Halfway There, Halfway Gone

"We often like to believe what we want to believe, often because the real facts challenge us too much. It is far easier to wallow in our prejudices than to seek out the truth in anything" ~ Marina Mahathir, The Star 30/08/2012.

1. Dear God, I can't believe that I'm already in Year Two of working.

I think of it as a mid-working life crisis. You know that you're long enough into the job that certain things are already second nature to you. You know enough people and are familiar with the procedures to get things done. You've worked long enough that you're already a familiar face to certain staffs.

And yet there are still things that still get to me.

How my stamina doesn't seem to have improved over the past year. How less tolerant I am to people - patients and relatives alike - who are bloody irritating. How pissed off I could get when my work is delayed no thanks to bureaucracy and the higher ups' ego and mood swings.

I like Medical because of the approach. But what I dislike about it is that it strikes me as a behavioural thing and thus, because of human fallacy and habits are just so hard to break, the process is endless.

Admissions are aplenty. Patients smell of cigarette smoke. Patients with psychiatric problems contributing to the chaos in the ward. And damn stupid elastoplasts that don't secure branulas properly should just rot in hell along with all the stupid, temperamental ECG machines.

This hospital is getting more and more idiotic.

2. The human factor in medicine is, as always, a great contributor to this love-hate (mostly hate, to be honest) I share with Medicine as a whole.

That is one reason why I shouldn't be allowed to practise clinical work.

But doing Pathology would mean abandoning the ward procedures, which previously actually took me some time to acquire.

Other specialties that I have considered include Anaesthesiology, Orthopaedics, Surgical and even ENT (I quote an MO of mine: "Easy no tension!").

Some people say I should worry about these options later. I say that I need something to look forward to, to work hard for.

All I know is, I need to get out of this damned hospital.

3. I feel old these few days. Maybe because a great number of fellow HOs in my current department are first posters, therefore are substantially younger (~2 years) than I am. Sometimes people mistook me for an MO - compounded by the fact that I prefer to roam around the ward without my white coat (I blame the global warming!).

A few people I already know are already MOs. I'm feeling some sort of delayed development here on my part.

4. Dang, esok keje lagi...

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Whence Shalt I Even Begin?

First of all - yes, I'm done with Surgical posting. There were a few hiccups every now and then - though I maintain that I am by no means guilty of most of them! - but the important thing is that I'm out of the torture chamber!

It's a good feeling. Praises be to Him, as He had definitely Eased me through it all. Especially since the department seems to be deteriorating with every passing minute, it's fortunate that I've already completed my four months' imprisonment. I want out of the madness, and not a minute too late!

Four months is a long time, no kidding. You know you're practically an ancient relic when your MOs start asking you if you're still in the department...because you've been with them for so long already. Pfft!

Would I say that I'm a better person after this experience? I truly doubt it. I remember getting frustrated and wondering if there was still justice in the world and fearing that my humanity will eventually be compromised in the process...or that I will evolve to become a replica of those that I despise.

My end of posting leave is approved, and I've been home for a few days. Alas, my sleeping pattern is as screwed as ever, and I spent most of my hours catching up with valuable Zzz's.

I'm just so bad at this.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy