Unrest

My head is not a pretty place to live in right now, especially since I barely have time (Final Pro exams next month OMG!!!111) to even entertain the notions that keep on making waves in my thoughts, but then I realise that I've not written for some time and...well, I get cranky once I skip blogging. Yes, so that's why I need to get it all out now to focus on the things that really matter (OMGFinalProOMG!!!111).

A couple of weeks ago my group posted in Internal Medicine had a session with Dr. M. Before starting he asked us to form a circle, and start introducing ourselves on several points: name, where we came from, our secondary school, favourite food and book, and what we aspired to be when we were but kindergarten schoolkids.

For my favourite book, I answered it as Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, a book that basically talked about the role of little things in success. And, surprise, luck plays a pivotal point! Who was it who said that "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation"? That person could not have been more accurate. There was another quote that specifically said the percentage of luck and perspiration, but I can't recall that one right off the bat. Regardless, sufficient to say, the book made me depressed.

Yes, my favourite book happens to compound my depression. Masochistic much? Tsk!

Outliers happened to be the second book by Gladwell that I read. The first was Blink, but perhaps I read it when I was too young that I can't really say the book made much impression on me. But I do remember one point: the role of the subconscious self.

Then I came across a webpage that talked about Gladwell's most recent book, What the Dog Saw. According to him, there are two methods of learning, the implicit and the explicit. The explicit deals with details and is done consciously, while implicit is more subconscious, like figuring out a pattern and - to some extent - skills. Some actions such as playing an instrument or acting are better suited to be done using the implicit learning.

The problem happens when the explicit takes over, which can occur when the brain takes over while we are under stress. There was a study done by Sam Glucksberg in which two groups were given the task to complete in a given time, but only one was given a reward, a financial intensive. As it turned out, this group finished later than the other.

I suppose that's why I tend to zone out at times, paying no heed to other stimuli around and within me while I perform certain things, like during the exams or even when people cross-question me when it comes to academics. Some may even accuse me of recklessness. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it has got me this far and...I'd like to think that it's just how my brain works. Maybe it became this way after all the depressing things that I run into, or how the education system has moulded my thinking methods, or even my years of gaming (which probably is done more intuitive than anything else I do).

Perhaps it will be better with time and experience. Yet I pray that I can count on it to get me out of a fix.

God Help me. God Help us all.

Current Music: Time's Scar - Chrono Cross OST

Running the Gauntlet

"Don't wish it were easier, wish that you were better" - Jim Rohn

She was panting when she reached my side. I gave her a few minutes to catch her breath. It was fine - we were in no hurry after all.

"Tired?" I asked when her breathing pattern was restored, her rate normalising.

"Yes."

"...tired of what, specifically?"

She wrinkled her forehead, confused and perhaps, wary of me. "What, specifically, is your question?"

"Is your apparent tiredness stemming from exertion of running away, or are you tired of running away itself?"

"Ah. Good question." She paused to ponder. "You think?"

"I'd say it's both, although the former is more obvious than the latter. At least, by my standards."

"You're right. I am tired of all this running away - avoiding responsibilities, avoiding things just because they have a high probability to screw up. Running away from things when they don't agree with me, or when things are bound to become bad and ugly. Tired of all the panicking and hoping."

I nodded in agreement. "Life will screw you over."

"Quite true. Running won't exactly solve anything. The most it can provide you with is some temporary relief, before falling on your back, regardless if you've seen it coming from a mile away."

"And so...?"

"Well, I suppose to prevent life from screwing us over we'll just have to be well-prepared for it. I mean, sometimes we just have to give in to life, to what has been appointed to us. Stop asking 'why me?' when the world appears to go against you. Playing with 'what if' situations won't really help much to reduce your stress." She beamed at me.

"It's nice to see this paradigm shift in you."

"Yeah? I just hope it's not too late, and that it lasts properly...the heart can't take all the lashings coming its way, anyhow. Well, I'd better dash off..."

"What, where to?" I asked. "So soon? You're running again?"

"Yeah. There's no escape from the bad things in life, but I'd best start equipping myself with whatever is necessary for my survival. Besides, what option do I have but to run, when Time itself flies?" She winked, and was off again before I could say another word.

Indeed, tempus fugit. Regardless of where we stand, be it trapped in the past or anxiously anticipating the future, Time still moves forward.

Run on, until the curtain closes...and perhaps, one will be finally worthy of the applause that might follow.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

P/s: Crossposted here

P/p/s: "Running the gauntlet", according to the Oxford American dictionary, means to "go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal". Appropriate title is appropriate.
As a side note, this was supposed to be written in poetry form but...this fever is killing the words in my brain. Maybe some other day...

Intermission #19

They say never let fear take over.

I don't know if it's just some ironic coincidence, but I seem to recall that this is not the first time that my exams happen to take place at a time when trouble is brewing at another part of the world. Some time before it was the tsunami, then there was also the flood...and now, the genocide in Libya, and my exams are in three days' time.

It was during clinic with a lecturer yesterday when he brought up the issue, which I shamefully displayed my ignorance on the issue. Dr. U was saying how a bit of depression is good - I quote, "depressed people have better reality testing" and "those people who never had an episode of depression have high tendency to become overconfident" and they might terrorise other people, "like what Gadaffi is doing".

So there. Meanwhile, here I am, getting all jittery and depressed for the coming exams, and in an attempt to allay those uneasy feelings, I try to be thankful that the situation wasn't any worse...and I started thinking how bad things are for other people.

Needless to say, out of that exercise...I get more depressed.

Yeah, it backfired.

God Help Us all.

Current Music: No Moral (TV Size) - Itou Kanako

Blurry Eyes

So much emotion overload, I can hardly keep up. Perhaps that's how I feel perpetually drained out.

You know the feeling when your world is turned upside down? Will it be easier if it's you doing the turning yourself, by taking charge of things rather than allow yourself to be pushed against your own will?

I seriously don't know what is normal anymore. Maybe it doesn't really matter - not for now, at least.

Current Music: Blue Bird - Ikimonogatari

P/s: Title is from a song by the J-Rock band L'Arc~En~Ciel.

Intermission #18

1. Dear God, words cannot describe how I hate the hot weather so. It's crazy - just before the CNY break I was shivering from the cold weather, as it was the rainy season. And now...the brightness of the sun causes my head to throb, and I get irritable quite easily.

Perhaps one day I should get my thyroid status checked...

But yeah. Too hot, that I almost can't sleep at night, which then causes me to sleep in the daytime. Pfft. What a way to wreck my sleeping schedule.

2. There are things that I get afraid of somewhat too easily. People may say it's displaced - could this baseless fears be paranoia?

3. Psychiatry is starting to give me some emotional strain. It's tiring - it's like one can hardly get a straight conversation with a patient, and almost each session with the lecturer played out like a game; I had no idea if I was being analysed, and was somewhat thrown offtrack when a lecturer asked me if I was depressed when I couldn't give an answer satisfactorily.

But I wonder, how it would be like to see people through their eyes. To be able to delve into people's personalities just by observing their facial expressions and listening to their words...

Part of me thinks it'll be a burden. Sometimes ignorance could be bliss, and sometimes knowledge can be deadly.

...And thus, I realise that Psychiatry is not really for me...as a serious profession.

Current Music: 「夢」 ～ムゲンノカナタ～ (TV Ver.) - ViViD

About Time

We interrupt your usual program to broadcast this obligatory pre-exam panic-infused entry by one final year medical student who really should've got the hang of exams by now but no...things are rarely that simple for her.

Confound it.

It's amazing how the more pressed for time you are, the more unexpected things happen to take exactly that away, and replaces in its void a mix of dread, regret, fear and frustration. At more things than one, which really doesn't really help at all when all I need is some decent perspective, and some serenity.

It's also amazing how everything that one has read before can be easily swept away when one is overwhelmed by...well, anything, I suppose. I can't speak for everyone. Besides, my brain isn't what it used to be. Is this the effect of aging!? Or could it be depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder or just plain bad memory? Or is my heart already too corrupt that it has lost its ability to absorb knowledge?

Revision weeks, how I miss thee.

...Right. Carry on with your business, people.


Current Music: Coming to Terms - Carolina Liar

Even When All Seems Lost...

Even when the nights seem darkest,
even when everything else fails,
even when doubt consumes all...

Image from here; Poster generated from Keepcalm-O-Matic

Current Music: Made for You - OneRepublic

It's always the same when the time comes, that we should've known by now

Except that we rarely do. Maybe it's the defense mechanism kicking in - trying to suppress the unpleasant memories of the unpleasant experiences in favour of more joyful ones.

Except that it comes with a price - we fail to learn from our mistakes.

Right. That still doesn't change the fact that we have our exams on Monday, befitting the end of the block.

Dear God. What with the full schedule in the past few days, I had some minor disorientation to time. One time I was quite absent-minded, such as applying shampoo _twice_ instead of the conditioner after the shampoo. Quite a waste of good shampoo too, tsk tsk. Kept on forgetting my car keys, only noticing it after I exited my room. Went to class yesterday without my watch, and I felt lost without it. Oh, and should I even mention the arrhythmia I felt during two of my classes this week?

The stress is making people irritable. God Forbid, it might just be worse when the Final Pro is around the corner...

I still hate Nelson with a passion. I think it's one of those things that makes my interest in Paediatrics impossible to nurture.

...God help us all. Please.


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Typos. Argh.

Intermission #10

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress" ~ Bruce Barton

1. Good grief. How I miss the revision weeks we once enjoyed before we became fifth year students...without it, time is speeding beyond the speed of light and I am left scrambled for whatever pieces I could gather.

In O&G, it felt like most of my time was spent trying to look for procedures, waiting for deliveries and timing pregnant ladies' contractions (...). That, and the innumerable nights that I lost sleep, making my biological clock more chaotic than ever. And my brain - my poor brain is starting to rebel against me.

I don't know. That's just how things are. Who am I to say anything else?

2. Sometimes I do wish some people would mind others. We live in a community, don't we? Then, for the love of God, please treat public property like one and stop hogging it like it's personal property. *cringe*

3. No more. If I start rambling further...who knows what my caffeine-deprived, sleepy brain would say next? Perhaps those things I'll forever regret...

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Now playing: Maroon Five - Misery
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #8

Aaand...we're back to having uncreative titles. *headdesk*

1. Dear mind, stop being irrational. For God's sake please stay relevant to our current task. Kthx.

2. Something is so wrong. It calls for reformation, but something is holding it back...
So much for "History being the best teacher"; In the end it depends on one's own discipline and memory.

3. At times even having options would prove to be puzzling. It's like the more alternatives we have at our disposal, the greater the stress in figuring out which of them would be the best choice to go for...
Or maybe that's just me.

4. Maybe I'm just so deprived from my anime kicks that I'm starting to _not_ make sense. And here I thought I'd finally be able to move on for good...


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Now playing: Savage Garden - The Animal Song
via FoxyTunes

With Eyes Wide Open and Closed Shut

"The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing" ~ Publilius Syrus

1. Tomorrow will be the day for Ophthalmology's OSCE, whose end would effectively signal the beginning of revision week and hence the advent of end of block exam for us in the Specialised posting. Which means the time to leave Fourth Year would be around the corner. Inevitable, surely, but most definitely nigh.
Better start studying for real, then.

2. E-logbook is nearly complete. Fundus book is almost there. Now it just leaves studying, hmm...

3. Because it's exam season, here's a link to a collection of humorous answers students gave in several exam questions. They managed to give me a well-deserving LOL, even when I should be miserable with my own soon-to-come exams...

4. One weakness of mine is that I can't seem to let it go. It's already way back in the past, so why can't I just turn away as if it has never happened? Or, as if it's too insignificant to be brought along to the present much less the future?
I don't like it one bit.

5. ...I think I need a break. I may not deserve one, but at this point, necessity overrules qualification.

6. Some decisions don't have to be done on the spot. Sometimes it's best to wait and see before making the next move...


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Now playing: Savage Garden - I Want You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: In conjunction with Ophthalmology, here's a link listing some hadiths on lacrimation and some, err, secular quotes pertaining to eyes.
It just goes to show that I can look for religious sayings too.

Open Season in the Mountains

There will often come a time when we are stripped of our personal protection gear, to be held hostage or as an open target for others - more often than not, those people whom we are inferior to, and almost automatically cower in fear due to this vulnerability felt in their mere presence - to open fire at us, at least in the form of words. I say words, because "verbal abuse" would be too over the top, with no reflection over the true situation and, decidedly, very much unjust especially if said words are most deserving to the recipient. God Forbid notwithstanding!

Clinical exams are one thing, viva is another. Speaking from past experience in third year - not much, but sufficient to quote to prove one's point - as one stood with the examiner, it felt as if the rest of the ward melted away to a state of nothingness; a mere backdrop, and whatever sound, movements and hustling about faded to make room for the one who would decide if the student before him/her was competent and knowledgeable enough to pass and move on to the next stage. Although one may be able to still stand properly and tread away with a normal gait, these are no helpful indicators of the nervousness that permeated throughout one's internal milieu; indeed, tachypnoea, diaphoresis, tremor, pre-hypertensive blood pressure readings, chest pain, headaches, aberrant patterns on ECG, and some other deviation from the accepted standard of normalcy within the medical field may very well manifest themselves.

A form of adrenaline rush that had never failed to knock one over regardless of his or her own preparation prior to the event.

More beyond this field of vision »

Intermission #3

It's that time again. It is just around the corner, ready to pounce on us once its time has arrived.

Exams are, indubitably, necessary. An evil necessity. Its basic function is to assess how good/capable/credible you are, and whether you've been doing what you're supposed to do and not just fooling around.

Of course, it also strikes fear into the very hearts of those who are liable and/or vulnerable. It reminds us that we, essentially, at God's Mercy (especially when we're talking about clinical years, where luck plays a bigger role) and what we could only do is to prepare for the worst.

It is the wake-up call, and there is no other lifeline to save you.

...Despair and regrets, begone already!

Current Music: Kimi ni Negai wo - Miyavi

Numb

One of the things that I fear the most is near. The first test, in which most people - as can be seen from the past batches - will fail.

I can see myself as one of them. While I do hope it's merely a groundless paranoia, part of me is certain of it. The question is, will I be able to take it?

My pessimism is, decidedly, more beneficial than my being positive. In a way, it prepares oneself for the worst, though the risk of getting high blood pressure or heart attack is not exactly what I have in mind, now in the future.

Speaking of health problems, the problem-based learning that they have here is not exactly as fun as I had thought. For one thing, it depends too much to the 'facilitator' (the lecturer who is present) in terms of giving out the marks. The problem comes when there's some sort of communication failure - ie. the facilitator did not specify beforehand what s/he wants exactly, or in what manner is the presentation to be like - and when the facilitator expects too much from us.
For the love of God, this is only our first block. We're still fresh and blur. And we're not really as smart as you think we are. Yet, at least.

I'm destined for mediocrity.

I can't seem to keep my focus. While this was the same problem I faced before, now it has worsened. Too many things are bothering me, all at the same time. And the fact that other people could study - and they happened to be very informed of what they read - bothered me as well.

Perhaps I'm the only one who hasn't adapted to my surroundings. I've always seen myself as a rigid person, taking such a long time to change, to familiarise, to blend in with the new ambience. Will time allow it, then? Or will it suck me, turning me upside down and voila! Say hello to Failure, who'll be accompanying me until the end of time.

I'm not myself anymore. I hardly knew myself then, and now...it's like a total stranger has taken over my mind, body and soul. Perhaps the real me was never fated for medical school.

Disappointment is tough, but hey, you know it's coming. Best be prepared for it.