What's the Deal, y'all?

Warning: If you're looking for happy, then I'd advise refraining from reading this entry.

I was once scoffed at for keeping a blog.

Blogs are not, as I was told, the Islamic way of coping with things. There are other more acceptable ways of doing it, and while those were valid points, I was still stubborn with my stand but, being the pacifist that I am, I held my tongue instead of going into full scale debater mode.

Not out of fear of defeat, mind you, but more of tiredness. There are some things that, no matter how true they are to you, or how strong your conviction is, are not worth fighting and ruining relationships for. Thus, the peaceful middle way of agreeing to disagree.

I see blogging as a highly beneficial activity - otherwise I'd have terminated this blog and you, dear reader, would not have regularly updated sites to feed you with depressive thoughts as to how deplorable things are. It is a form of sublimation - which is a mature defense mechanism, whereby one responds to a negative feeling by channeling the negative energies to more productive ends, such as dabbling in writing or other aesthetics. Which would explain why most poets and writers of ye old days were conjuring up depressing poems and stuff that highlighted the forlornness of this transient life, the frailty of the human psyche.

There is some beauty in the broken, but to the one holding the burden...could the same be said?

Besides, blogging saves me the trouble of looking for people to confide in. Because, hey, everyone has his or her own problems, so it's not like they can actually take an extra load of problems, especially those that don't pertain to their daily lives or interests. See it as myself doing others a favour, will you!?

Occasionally I've toyed with the idea of dabbling into literature as a career, but seeing how difficult it is to cater to the public's whim - especially when it's not in tandem with one's own internal whims - I had to decide against it. (Naturally, my parents would never entertain such ambition!) Writing gives me the opportunity to dive deeper and learn more about myself - most of my entries were written freely, with not much planning or editing prior to the publishing. It's surprising how things actually unfold - oftentimes although I begin my entries with despair, the light of hope somehow slips through. The reverse also holds true though...

Compare this to while one is studying the cold hard facts. For example, the lists of clinical features of bronchial asthma. While you may relate the presentation with the pathology behind it, how far do you feel like you're learning more about yourself? Or, even worse - the mechanism of action of a, say, diuretic that acts to promote micturition...does that make you feel closer to your own kidney? Maybe not to yourself per se, but it sure gives some appreciation as to what the drug is doing to your patient, and you then share the joy when said patient's problems are ameliorated. But that's what a healthy human being should be doing, yes? To strive for the betterment of other people? Does this mean sacrificing one's own identity and positive perspective towards life as a whole?

Perhaps my problem is of different nature - the more I dive into the unknown territories within me, the more I seem to lose touch with the outside world, and hence a reduced threshold to accept the absurdities that the world throws at me.

It's derealisation, whereby I feel that I'm separated from the world around me. Like I'm outside looking in, forever not understanding the workings of the human mind other than my own.

So maybe...I am in the wrong course after all. Because my understanding of human beings has started to become so...ugly, that it's significantly different than that of mine ten years ago.

Or maybe the world is just going to the dogs. I mean, it's one of the signs of the end of the world after all...

Perhaps my personality type is at fault. While I started with idealism, it is easily crumbled, shaping into unspoken pessimism. Faith is so precariously fragile, that I become scared. My pacifist nature, people misuse and start to take advantage, almost like bullying me to do things that I'd rather not. It's everyone's responsibility, dangit, so why can't some people just behave accordingly instead of letting your fears take over you and get everyone else in trouble whereas we were initially ready to support you in your undertakings!? Are we not already adults!? How long do you expect to run?

And I know I've mentioned this before, but let me say it again: The maxim about fighting fire with water as the best option? I say this: bollocks.

Apparently it's impossible to knock some sense into some people using common courtesy and positive reinforcement. Childish much? Darn right.

And I'm so utterly, _utterly_ sick and tired of all this inane things that people - myself included - do without fail.

...

Judging by the state of things, I can't say that my future looks well. If things go on like this and I still can't handle things properly, I see only three possibilities:
i) I end up having mood disorders - be it major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder (God Forbid!)
ii) I end up writing poetry that have perpetually sad, depressive tones
iii) both of the above.

...Dear God, no.

Current Music: Kimi no Negai wo - Miyavi

Intermission #11

I scrutinize this blog's tag list and I am torn between laughing bitterly and heavy sighing. While it is by no means surprising, it is a cause of concern that does need rectifying.

Going by the frequency, the highest number of entries are those that revolve around med-life, people and anguish. Yes, this little corner in the www might just be a little too pessimistic for its own good.

That is not to say that I'm a full-blown pessimist bordering on suicidal thoughts (despite my frequent talks about jumping off buildings - God forgive me) and more-than-occasional anhedonia. But with negative feelings, there is a greater need to analyse and allow it to unfold - hence the blog entries.

The response to joy is easier - extend one's gratitude to God, don't let it get to your head, and carry on. There is less need to ruminate over it, with less drama involved.

There isn't much else to say. My hobbies are few. I'm losing interest in anime, and it's getting difficult trying to keep abreast with recent updates on my J-music fix. Books I rarely purchase these days - one reason is the sheer price and another is the need to focus on academic reading - so I mostly read online stuff. Politics has to be avoided - there's too much idiocy going on and it's no use getting so emotionally worked up over them. Wouldn't want to toe over the line of sensitive issues, would we? And I tell you there's a lot of that contributing to my brain activity...more than what should be permitted for normal functioning level.

I'm honestly running out of things to write about. Would it spell the end of my writing?

...Yeah, right. There'll always be something; Something...

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Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes

Anti-climax

1. I don't want to sound haughty if I were to quote a certain fictional character saying "My mind rebels at stagnation"...But it does. Put up an awful row in my head too.

Why so? Because the rebellion doesn't end with the cessation of idleness. It intrudes into work as well. It's a feeling like you fail to move into higher gear when you and your car both know it just had to be done. It's frustrating to you and the other drivers, and it's damaging to your car in the long run. Oh, to yourself too, because of the stress that you develop will manifest as hypertension some day (Heaven forbid!).

2. Just a little bit more till the finishing line. It's already the last lap, and it doesn't really seem like I'm giving it my all...

3. I don't want to say "Things could have been better" in fear of sounding ungrateful, but after all this...the tiny voice in my head refuses to concur to just shake that darn feeling off.


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Now playing: ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D - Complication
via FoxyTunes

P/s: I was just thinking the other day that one of the very few things that made me value Wordpress above Blogger is the former's allowing one to hide the rest of his/her blog entry behind a link, so that a post doesn't appear too lengthy. As it turns out, Blogger now supports this feature as well. So I went ahead and studied this page to see how it's done, and modified some of my old entries with it.
Of course, some entries are nicer to be spared from this treatment - it's easier to read everything in one page without having to open up another tab or leave the current page.

Where Between the Two Extremes?

Alternative title: When advertisements get me thinking - seriously.

I rarely watch television. There's a wider selection of watchable, readable materials available online and searching the WWW beats browsing the television schedule or waiting for your show to air.

Also, advertisements. Pop-ups are more annoying than television ads I suppose, but I pay more attention to the latter - which really isn't saying much though - and few of them are actually capable to force some sort of a thinking hat on my head. Take, for instance, a certain Mountain Dew ad.

Notice that tiny caption at the lower right corner? It took my third scrutiny to figure what it says. First time: I caught sight of the action onscreen and turned away. Second: the stunts sent me thinking, 'Wait, aren't they supposed to warn the public not to reproduce such dangerous acts?' Third: 'Oh, wait, they actually did...'
Fourth, after hearing my companion's remark that the advertisement portrayed the stunt in a light that could mislead the viewer that one could get away with only minor injuries, my thoughts then retorted that some people could be overestimating themselves in terms of their professional abilities. My other companion, on the other hand, said that those stunts were probably fabricated by means of graphic programs and such.

Imagine, for instance, if someone didn't notice the warning. Or, the size of the font was not strong enough to leave an impression that those death-defying acts are more of pure lunacy instead of one heroic display?

To some, the two might be one and the same. Not in this case, it isn't.

Compare the Mountain Dew ad to that of Ridsect. Usually the ad would begin with 'Attention, this is a mosquito insecticide advertisement' done in huge white fonts with a black background, then the scene would shift to someone being harassed by those noisy flying nuisance. Until now I don't see why the warning is necessary - there are mosquitoes, mosquitoes terrorising a household, mosquitoes getting doused by the spray administered by one who doesn't really need to be a sharpshooter, mosquitoes falling down, murdered in the name of protecting one's loved ones. Yup, pretty straightforward piece of message there, folks.

In life sometimes our attention is diverted elsewhere, to things that are more intriguing, fascinating and...profitable. For instance, the prospect of accumulating more money is more appealing to the general public than of donating a substantial amount to charity. Or, in simpler examples, movies that feature out-of-this-world CG animations or beautiful airheads who cannot act to save their lives to cover for shallow stories that have otherwise very little to sell. (I'm thinking of Avatar here...and those numerous shows/events that rely on scantily clad women - even men too, come to think of it - that gladly allow themselves to be degraded to mere objectification of sex...)

That's the sign that the End - be it the world's or our own wellbeing, our morality - is approaching, fast.

Back to the ads. What does it take to hold your attention? Would it be one that is small in comparison to the bigger (and more constant) picture? Or a message that is simple, clear enough but temporary?

I myself couldn't give a definite answer. I do appreciate subtlety and metaphors, but I know that the dangers of being swept away by those aesthetics are very much real in my case. And, as anyone could tell, the nature of my blog itself - imbued with double meanings, imageries and, at other times, overshadowed by obscurities - shows that I view writing as an art in which effort is a rule. For me, finishing much less looking for fictional novels can be a tedious task to bask in!

But those wake-up calls are needed too. It's like an alarm clock that rescues you from those nightmares that tease your imminent rise from bed.

In life's lessons, perhaps simplicity would drive the point home; even so our lack of memory may eventually make a detour to other if not similar mistakes. Art, meanwhile, celebrates the glorious marriage of stark simplicity and knotty intricacies. But in dealing with people - who themselves, for better or for worse, are a motley bunch with individual quirks and touchiness - there're no hard and fast rules.

...Ah, such is the world we live in. Otherwise we'd be long dead bored from uniformity and predictability, and offended by bluntness; or utterly confused by dubiety, put off by complexities, and hypertensive from all the stress of trying to make sense of things that twist our logic.


Current Music: Falling Down - Oasis

P/s: Not affiliated with the brands mentioned above. Merely used them to prove a point...

A Passing Moment

So Boss-dude said that my blog is apparently full of complaints. But hey, it ain't false, so I'm not complaining.
Insert smiley face here.
Am currently thanking God for my pass in the previous clinical exam, despite it all. It's pretty sad, that I could only see the beauty of Internal Medicine when I'm now in Obstetrics & Gynaecology.
Of course, an even greater challenge awaits me in this world. Where the gift of life seems so beautiful, so is the reality that surrounds this joy.
But it's still to early for me to say more.
Still, allow me to say this, for my future reminder at least - We should always be prepared for disappointment, and from there, be patient.
I'll continue this later, if it's God's Will. Right now I've to read up on the anatomy of female perineum.
God help me.

Current Music: XTC - Psychic Lover

Kyo wa...

Happy Birthday Gackt Camui~! A bit late, but saa...
I really should write something. A so-called inspiration has been stuck in my brain but it doesn't seem to want to be transferred on to paper...
I think I might have otitis media, as an extension from my 'fever'. So that means I'm not in the mood to blog at the moment.
I realise that the font size and fonts in this page is too inconsistent. I might do something about it - in my future entries - by trying to stick to one. Perhaps it's training to instill some sort of self-discipline?
...Maybe I should do something about the layout too...

Current Music: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
This song is the opening of the anime of the same name, and it has a haunting feel to it. I actually tried watching a couple of episodes, but other than Hoshi Souichirou, nothing else managed to make me want to continue it. The mystery feel is not intriguing at all...I want back the 2++ hours that I spent watching it! I might as well stick to Gintama! Even if it does affect my IQ level in one way or another...