Intermission #38

1. Ramadhan is here again, Alhamdulillah.

Though there is some sadness in me knowing that my late grandfather is no longer around, both for the fasting and the incoming Syawal.

I try not to make a big deal out of sahur and breaking fast solo, but there is no helping it when I falter once in awhile.

Here's to praying that all will be well - my making good use of this Ramadhan, finishing my Surgical posting with a bang, among them.

Happy Ramadhan, people.

2. They say some things are better left unsaid.

But what if one never says something that another expects from him or her?

They say actions speak louder than words.

And that a smile is a universal language in its own right.

Am I being selfish if I were to ask for more?

Or maybe the signs were all there, but I'm just too careful, too negative to acknowledge them.

...because I'm just one dense ignoramus.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Clash of Postulations

The world today is not the same as before. Different generations act and respond differently.

I don't know if my realistic (read: pessimistic) standpoint is to blame, but I seem to think that things are more complicated than they appear to be. As in, there are aspects that are just beyond our control, that the outcome is not as simple as either A or B. My parents, on the other hand, equipped with their own life experiences, tend to think that their views are right - or, more right than mine, whatever that is supposed to mean.

Yes, occasionally there will be debates in the house. In a way I do appreciate the fact that they let me voice out what I think (despite my feeble hopes of emerging as the champion, pfft!), rather than telling me to just shut my mouth and nod reluctantly to whatever they were saying.

They make the wrong comparisons.

I tend to get emotional because they don't seem to see the reason behind my arguments.

They say that all that I have come to know - and adore - will bring me nowhere but towards a disastrous end.

I say that time is not my side - yet. Is it not the Holy Quran that said that man is ever hasty? ["Dan memang manusia bersifat tergesa-gesa" (17:11)]

At the end of the day their skepticism placed me in doubt...and I get bitter all over again.

Bitter and grieved.


Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Nil

I have nothing to say.

Words fail me when things are swiveling away out of my grasp, just as reality seems so threatening that my imagination is on the verge of rejecting it in favour of an idealistic, rose-tainted world. When the surrounding entropy is too much even for me to handle. When I'm surrounded by morons who refuse to see reason, and refuse any cooperation just so we can increase our efficiency.

This is one of those times that I feel utterly embarrassed for my race.

A friend of mine would counter all my negative thoughts, insisting that I have what he called a "positive charisma" - whatever that is supposed to mean.

I still have yet to learn, that this fleeting world is insignificant, immaterial compared to the everlasting life in the Hereafter. This world is too trivial to be wasted by being in constant sadness.

...What does it say of me, as a Believer?

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People

Intermission #27

1. So it's here again - the holy month, Ramadhan. Hope it will be an opportunity to increase our piety to Allah and our humanity to our fellow humans. Also...do more good deeds!

2. The yearbook finally arrived! Let's just say that I'm ecstatic, and it's done really well. Kudos to the team!

3. Asking out of curiosity, anyone using Google+ so far?

4. Just how much apparent to us is the Truth?

Current Music: Saraba - Kinmokusei

Intermission #21

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for ((Allah)'s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (3:159)
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

1. I like to think that one of my fortes is sarcasm (Not exactly something worth bragging about, I agree...). Maybe it's just my way of letting it out without employing a loud tone of voice, but while I have many opportunities to put this into practice, I rarely do, for fear of:

• sounding like an arrogant know-it-all (...)
• accused of being rude (...some people tend to accuse more easily than the general population...)
• the listener not understanding the sarcasm, which kind of defeats the purpose. Dang.

Or, maybe, it's just my style of humour - which people don't always get, which sort of results in my unwillingness to mix around much. That, and that catering to people exhausts me greatly.
(On a somewhat unrelated note - I'm starting to think that 'humour' as an ego defense mechanism should not be put as a mature defense mechanism. It belittles the gravity of the situation - isn't that akin to denial itself?! And some people push the jokes a bit too far...it starts to get irritating. And offensive.)
Perhaps I should start becoming more silent. That way people may not misunderstand me much, it reduces the risk of inadvertently offending anyone else - and it probably helps in that what I say rarely bears any impact anyhow.
...Thank God for blogs though.

2. "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves" ~ Carl Gustav Jung.

If I appear to be colder and more labile these days, I apologise. It dawned on me that with some people it gets more difficult to tolerate them and their antics...and so I might have accidentally 'displaced' any displeasure I have towards them on some other poor innocent souls.
Or...it could be the stress. Now with regards to the time, one can only say "OMG Final Pro is just next month, OMG!!".

3. Avicenna's keyboard is acting up. The cursor appears in odd places and starts to insert the text I'm typing into other words. What the flipping heck, Apple!
Yeah. Time for a new laptop. A MacBook, no less. Sigh.

4. The manga Meitantei Conan is finally back on track - somewhat. It's about time too! Besides, I need more Okiya!

5. "The world is a crazy place. And sometimes that craziness infects us. Sometimes it makes us a little crazy too" ~ Anonymous (snagged from Tumblr)

I'm the kind who is in tune with my psyche and aims to achieve harmony with my surroundings. But with the...turbulent state of things, I can safely say that it's nigh impossible to achieve this task.
The heart can only take so much before breaking. Maybe because it's never meant to take up too much burden. But with the Internet, with the information overload (useless and useful data notwithstanding), it seems that ignorance is bliss after all, when applied correctly...

Maybe I should move away to someplace else, where people can act more rationally instead of just resorting to the excuse of "other people hexing others using supernatural means"...and the delusion that just because one has Google or the Internet in your laptop/computer/iPhone/PDA/tablet, you're as good as a specialist in that area.

...I wonder if such a place actually exists, or is it just an idealist's unattainable Utopia?

Current Music: Redemption - Gackt Camui

Gaia

They came again, this time bigger and badder than ever; the devastating earthquake-tsunami combo.

This time, they hit Japan.

That's how Nature reminds us how she can just snap and shows us mere humans that she could be overpowering once she powers up and starts being unpredictable, while God Reminds us that we are still tiny, tiny specks of living things that should not get too full of ourselves, and to always remember who we are, where we come from and where we will undeniably go from here.

Also, never forget to be thankful for what we have. I'll just leave this here for your perusal.

Current Music: Last Song - Gackt Camui

Even When All Seems Lost...

Even when the nights seem darkest,
even when everything else fails,
even when doubt consumes all...

Image from here; Poster generated from Keepcalm-O-Matic

Current Music: Made for You - OneRepublic

I Can (Not) Advance

Title is based on that of the new Evangelion movie, Evangelion 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance.

Penalise me, if you must, for beginning this entry with an all too depressing note, but let it end there. It's a balance that I must have, the inevitable phase that I go through after a period of positive outlook in life. I was rebuked for taking on this blanket statement, and because I can be such a hard-headed ignoramus, I took my argument no further. Delusions I must not indulge myself in, and being lost in a tsunami of raging emotions is never an option. Life is too short for us to be morose, or so I was told, but we are also advocated to always stay true to ourselves.

Perhaps there will be those who will agree with me when I say that no other postings highlights the concept of God's provisions better than Obstetrics and Gynaecology. There's simply no telling what will happen, much less when. Or to whom. Or who will be there to seize it.

I'm in despair. Time is quickly running out, and my energy limited.

I want to believe (even though I can't) amidst the situation I am in. I want to look up at the open skies, but the mud I trudge on sinks me deep.

I don't want to lose hope in the shifaa' - the panacea - that God has given.

I just want to believe that there's something for everyone. And that in the end, it _does_ really matter.

"And He giveth you of all that ye ask for. But if ye count the favours of Allah, never will ye be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude" (14:34) (Source).

Source

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Now playing: Hans Zimmer - Panic, Sheer Bloody Panic
via FoxyTunes

Lest We Forget

"Sungguh, Allah tidak akan menzalimi seseorang walaupun sebesar zarah, dan jika ada kebajikan (sekecil zarah), nescaya Allah akan melipat gandakannya dan memberikan pahala yang besar dari sisi-Nya" (4:40)

"Dan orang yang beriman serta mengerjakan kebajikan, Kami tidak akan membebani seseorang melainkan menurut kesanggupannya. Mereka itulah penghuni syurga; mereka kekal di dalamnya" (7:42)

It's something that, despite our encounter day in and day out, we can't seem to hold on to staunchly. Because it's always easier to see yourself as a victim instead of one who's given the chance by Him to improve yourself.

...On a lighter note, BBC will be airing their new series - Sherlock - this Sunday. Do want! And why is it that good shows that I'm dying to watch are popping up when I have more important things to attend to!?

Modern day Sherlock Holmes. I personally prefer the Victorian era but no matter.

And moustache-less!Watson will need some time getting used to...

With Eyes Wide Open and Closed Shut

"The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing" ~ Publilius Syrus

1. Tomorrow will be the day for Ophthalmology's OSCE, whose end would effectively signal the beginning of revision week and hence the advent of end of block exam for us in the Specialised posting. Which means the time to leave Fourth Year would be around the corner. Inevitable, surely, but most definitely nigh.
Better start studying for real, then.

2. E-logbook is nearly complete. Fundus book is almost there. Now it just leaves studying, hmm...

3. Because it's exam season, here's a link to a collection of humorous answers students gave in several exam questions. They managed to give me a well-deserving LOL, even when I should be miserable with my own soon-to-come exams...

4. One weakness of mine is that I can't seem to let it go. It's already way back in the past, so why can't I just turn away as if it has never happened? Or, as if it's too insignificant to be brought along to the present much less the future?
I don't like it one bit.

5. ...I think I need a break. I may not deserve one, but at this point, necessity overrules qualification.

6. Some decisions don't have to be done on the spot. Sometimes it's best to wait and see before making the next move...


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Now playing: Savage Garden - I Want You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: In conjunction with Ophthalmology, here's a link listing some hadiths on lacrimation and some, err, secular quotes pertaining to eyes.
It just goes to show that I can look for religious sayings too.

Versus

Every once in awhile, we are unfortunate enough to encounter people who are ineffably impossible.

Impossible because there's no pleasing them. They're trapped in their own delusions that they're always right and that others are downright wrong. Their flawed voice of reason is strong, perhaps outdone only by their stubbornness.

Most of these people are, from my observation, the aged. The kind of old guys talking loudly about nothings, smoking one cigarette stick after another, blowing stinking cigarette smoke from their nostrils like an insufferable exhaust of a decrepit automobile, unaware of the end that it is heading to. Or old shrews who go around like a fussy headmistress with obsessive-compulsive disorder, shaking fingers at the smallest of trivials and blowing their top like kettles on high when things don't go the way they had dictated.

Because some people are so narrow in their thinking capacity that when something goes slightly off, they're the first ones to point it out as a blasphemy - although it could have actually been another view which is not entirely unacceptable...

...or a necessary evil that could not be avoided.

Case in point: Last week I was tasked to perform venepuncture in this one old...fella, prepared with a slight reminder from a few housemen - "Pak cik tu susah sikit. Kalau tak dapat sekali, tak payah cuba lagi". When I realized who the patient in question was, I figured what the doctors meant by "difficult"; it wasn't the veins that would pose as a challenge to this hapless adventurer, but the fellow's personality. It didn't take much observational skill to note that this fellow might be of the inconsiderate type, with his radio on loudly and his manner of speaking and even of lying on his bed. (...I'm guessing now the identity may not be a secret anymore to my fellow ward-mates at the time?)

With whatever hope for a smooth procedure out of the nearby sliding doors, I approached the bed and told him the usual stuff. As I started to tie the 'tourniquet' just above his left elbow, he rambled about how students shouldn't be taking blood and it's a doctor's job and how the government shouldn't allow it and how he would've gone elsewhere if it weren't because of for what-reason-I-couldn't-be-bothered-at-the-time...to another patient, who apparently agreed with him.

I maintained a deaf ear throughout, focusing my eyes on the needle and the vein, my lips pursed tight, muting my tongue from uttering a single word of rebuttal, and confining my debater mode within the deepest depths of my being.

There was the temptation of deliberately keeping the needle poking him in longer, just to punish him with intolerable pain for that erroneous mindset, his incurable ego and his godforsaken tongue, or maybe just screw up so that he'll be treated to another dose of needle puncture more tormenting than my own - but there was this angelic voice of reason somewhere in my head (where have you been all this while!?) insisted that no, I must not resort to mindless violence or cheap revenge, professional people don't stoop to the level of ignorant imbeciles, besides shouldn't this be seen as an opportunity to prove that we medical students, who are scoffed at unjustly, are also at least as capable as the doctors when it comes to a simple procedure like venepuncture!

Cough. Pardon for the momentary idealistic intermission that slipped through...

So yes, I succeeded, thank dear God for that, smiling at the blood in the syringe as it was transferred into the plain bottle, not one minute meeting the eyes of the fellow (take that, ha!).

But, underneath the calm(?) facade, while the blood flowed impeccably into the tube, there was another battle raging in the chambers of my conscience; my debater part was slowly breaking free, keen to take control of my Broca's speech area, to deliver a parting speech. My conscience pleaded for a reconsideration, I was left indecisive. Then that voice of reason reminded me that it would be unwise to pick a fight right there and then, and that some people can never change when we use words, logical or no.

So I collected the things and left him.

The doctor asked whether I got the blood - was that anxiety that I heard? - and I nodded, telling her that "...pak cik tu ada la bising skit tapi" and briefly on what he had said. She asked why had I not responded, to which I said, "Tak pe la, takut gaduh nanti..."

Just to express it out, here is what I would have said if I had gone into debater mode:

"Pak cik ada cucu tak? Dia jalan umur berapa? Selalunya budak-budak mula jalan satu tahun...Pak cik rasa salah ke kalau dia dah start belajar jalan sebelum umur dia satu tahun?

"Macam medical student la kan...kalau tak start ambil darah sekarang, nanti bila jadi doktor tak tahu ambil darah, kan ke susah? Orang ramai expect doktor-doktor tahu ambil darah...benda macam ni bukannya boleh tahu tetiba je. Nanti pak cik jugak yang susah. Tu je la. Terima kasih eh pak cik..." End with a super sweet smile that in truth wishes for all the greatest evil in the world.

The point is: People can be unreasonable. The media and the public demand too much that it gets impossible to accomplish, yet they are quick to give judgment and to penalize. In the process of defending what they see is their right, some people get stepped on and the rest becomes the scapegoat.

They forget that things can go wrong. Wishing that things do not go wrong won't nullify this 100%.

I might be wrong to have thought of the above with my own brand of malice and holier-than-thou attitude. It borders on unprofessionalism, but really, nowadays in reality, fighting water with fire works only a few times. Fighting fire with fire might prolong the issue, but hey, you might end up somewhere, right?

Is it wrong to counter acid with alkali? Because it's called neutralisation, and neutral is good in such situations, don't you think?

...I hope to God I won't ever become one bitter harridan as I grow older...

Current Music: Live Like We're Dying - Kris Allen

Come and Go

Some come while others go. Similarly like the passing time - when the present is here, the past is left behind, and future slips in eventually.

In other words: With Ramadhan leaving us and the arrival of Syawal, Happy 'Eid, people. My sincere apologies for my mistakes, deliberate ones or no. May God bless y'all.

Short entry is short - for a very good reason. Am probably going to turn in early, in preparation for a busy and hectic(?) day tomorrow.

Note to self: Go easy on the food...because some of them are a big no-no for very good reasons...

Current Music: Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas

Family Medicine: Not-So Final Impressions...and Then Some

Undoubtedly, nobody would argue if I were to say that Family Medicine is an eye-opener.

People coming from different walks of life, each with his or her own story to tell. Some live dreadfully tragic lives that we never could have imagined plausible on this Earth. A handful may even have stories that could give Hollywood directors a run for their money.

But being posted in a government hospital and government clinic, more often than not we students encounter those ranging from the middle class and below.

Occasionally what we have the chance of witnessing is not a pretty sight.

More beyond this field of vision »