Lost

This world is becoming uglier by the minute. Thieves, hypocrites and selfish people roam free, preying on the little people. It is scary.

 I swear to God I'll never forget the thief who stole my precious iPad. I pray that a miserable death awaits this perpetrator.  

Current Music: Maps - Maroon Five

Solus

Solus (L.) - Solo

Real life isn't like the movies. So when life's tragedy cuts you, the pain is very much real. And, being human, you bleed.

But you will heal, eventually, somehow. They say time is the greatest physician.

So in the meantime...grow up, soldier on.

All is not lost. There is still much to do.

Current Music: Don't Worry, Be Happy - Guy Sebastian
 

Intermission #51

A couple of self-reminders:

"No calamity befalls the earth or your own selves, but it is (pre-destined) in a Book before We bring it into being. Indeed it is easy for Allah.

"So that you may neither grieve on what has escaped you, nor over-exult on what He has given to you. And Allah does not love any self-admirer, over-proud" (Al-Hadid, 22-23)

Forgive me, dear God, for I am but human, who errs only too easily.

Intermission #50

And so I am down to - hopefully - my last week of working as a lowly labourer HO in this forsaken hospital.

Excited? Oh yes, so much. Anxious? Definitely.

And as for my transfer - it is still hanging in the air, uncertain. But I have hopes.

As for my current status, while it may be considered as uncertain, the best we could do is to put effort into it. It won't be easy, as many around me has cautioned me against it...but deep down, I know that it's best for me to leave before I turn...malignant.

And so...I resume my wait. Hopeful, but ever so caution, with prayers to The Almighty.

Current Music: Set Fire to the Rain - Adele

Intermission #49

How do you, pray enlighten me, make the most out of something when you don't have much to work with from the start?

I have been accused of being judgmental, but I know not its difference from drawing an inference as a guide to deal with people.

Environment shapes people, and there is no way am I staying put when all I have around me is un-professionalism.

Intermission #48

Maybe I should just leave.

Caught in an uncivilised working place that really should have been shut down or upgraded ages ago.

Caught in a bond that is just as uncertain as ever, despite how people may say otherwise.

But they say never make any decision when all you see is red.

So what do you when you're seeing darkness in your future?

Ideally speaking, we should turn to Him. But I seem to have lost my speech to pray.

But that's okay, right? He, the Omniscient, will still Understand these tears.

Sixth!

Done with O&G, finally. Thank God. Sick of everything there already.

And...as for Anaes, surprisingly, I'm not enjoying it as much as I hoped.

Frankly, I'm scared. Very, very scared.

Current Music: Let Me Love You - Ne-Yo

Obligatory New Year Post(?)

It's just another, run-of-the-mill day, to survive.

It just goes to show that while we are definitely growing older, to say that we are growing in wisdom and maturity is still up to interpretation.

Most things change, whether we like them to or not. And as for those that remain the same...well, they are too deeply ingrained that I wonder if there is ever hope for any improvement.

Just another one question out of many that I doubt I will ever find the answer to.

Current Music: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Intermission #44

I'm honestly getting too old for all this. Everything.

Too impatient with the wait. Too temperamental to tolerate the many quirks of people at work. Too lazy to just do it.

And way too attached to risk the loss.

Current Music: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Intermission #43

1. Perhaps it is time to take the plunge into the uncertain.

Testing the waters too long may have been an act of cowardice, but who can handle the thought of one's dreams collapsing?

Perhaps, in a way, it's already too late to back down.

2. I notice that I enjoy working when I go the extra mile voluntarily, not when people start demanding as if we are their personal attendants or something.

3. Roughly around 7 more weeks until Medical ends, iA. Praying that all will go well.

Also, my paranoia needs to stop intruding my subconscious and translating my dreams into nightmares.

Current Music: Hello - Karmin

Intermission #42

1. Yesterday was tiring, but worth it in the end.

Congrats, my dear sir, for exceeding my expectation not once, but twice over.

Congrats, dear self, for maintaining self-control.

2. Dear God, nephro ward is depressing. Not only because I'm the only one in the morning shift (why would an introvert like me feel lonely though?)...but because of the challenging veins and several patients yang banyak sangat cekadak, apa kata balik je la!!??

Cepat la habis, oh Medical! I can't take this no more...

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Intermission #41

I shouldn't let my work define my entire life. There's more to life than just work, after all.

I shouldn't let people get to me. People will be people anyway.

I shouldn't let my emotions get the best out of me, even when I probably have too much of them to begin with. Too much for this frail frame to handle.

I shouldn't get too involved in uncertain issues.

I should adhere to all the above mantra, because life is tough and what other option do we have other than to be tougher?

I still haven't grown up after all these years, have I?

Current Music: Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars

Intermission #39

"O you who are patient! Bear a little more, just a little more remains" ~ Ibn Qayyim

Dear God, it feels like there's still some way to go for me to finish this journey - my current posting for one thing, my entire role as a lowly house officer is another.

Especially when people I know are already a step above me.

I won't lie - there's slight awkwardness involved.

Dear God, I feel too much it'll probably be the downfall of me.

Buck up, self! Jangan nak emo sangat, boleh tak? Pfft~!

Current Music: Science & Faith - The Script

Intermission #38

1. Ramadhan is here again, Alhamdulillah.

Though there is some sadness in me knowing that my late grandfather is no longer around, both for the fasting and the incoming Syawal.

I try not to make a big deal out of sahur and breaking fast solo, but there is no helping it when I falter once in awhile.

Here's to praying that all will be well - my making good use of this Ramadhan, finishing my Surgical posting with a bang, among them.

Happy Ramadhan, people.

2. They say some things are better left unsaid.

But what if one never says something that another expects from him or her?

They say actions speak louder than words.

And that a smile is a universal language in its own right.

Am I being selfish if I were to ask for more?

Or maybe the signs were all there, but I'm just too careful, too negative to acknowledge them.

...because I'm just one dense ignoramus.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Compilations #17

1. Spare me the drama at work, please.

It's amazingly scary what stress can do to you, and what you in turn do unto others. Even I find myself sniping at those I find deserving - especially after I made the initial effort of being extra-civilised and yet received a disappointing response.

Sometimes it's just not worth the extra effort.

I can't afford to play nice all the way - not when people don't seem to appreciate it. Yes, I know it's supposed to be for God and all...but I am just human, liable to emotional breakdowns.

I try not to impart judgment on people...because deep down I realise that I might(?) be doing the same mistake if I were in their shoes.

2. There is a change in how I spend my money these days...and I'm kind of worried.

3. How do you define me? How do you see me in your eyes?

Maybe you don't know me that well. Or maybe I'm just too multi-faceted that you don't get to see a certain side of me that prefers to hide in the darkness, behind a pleasant face.

Or maybe I'm the one that's in error, blind to my own shortcomings.

4. I'm starting to understand - and emulate - my mother's occasional indifference(?) to patients' complaints.

...Good God, I really need to be done with housemanship and just get out of clinical work for good.

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Departure

I hate this distance.

My grandfather passed away yesterday, and I received the news when they were already twenty minutes into giving him CPR. No matter how I sped, I knew it was impossible to reach there for any last words.

There was a sense of hollowness in me during the entire day...even until now.

I pray that God will place him among His Blessed. Amiin.

Intermission #36

1. Kudos, Sir, for making me all jittery when all I want to do is be still.

I applaud you, Sir, for single-handedly inspiring my muses one moment and then killing the poetry that they wove in the next.

Lastly, I congratulate you for giving me a light of hope, however small it may be, and more reasons to smile and, ironically, torture myself - all at once.

2. Please, Dear God, let me finish Paediatrics soon.

3. Maybe I should just go back this weekend. On Friday, right after work, even just for one night.

Current Music: Always Be There - Maher Zain

Kotoba

Words are powerful.

Could this little fact, perhaps, be the reason why I immerse myself in linguistics and writing?

They say rumour spreads faster than a bushfire (...or something to that effect?). But what, pray tell, are words when they may not even represent the situation?

Maybe people see what I fail - or deny myself - to see.

Maybe people just jump too easily to conclusions.

Or maybe the simple fact remains: people just love to talk about people, whatever the topic may be.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

People Will Be People

1. After a certain point, one just couldn't give a damn as to what people think of oneself anymore.

I'll be frank here: ever since I entered nursery it feels as if my semi-depression has worsened. As such, there is a desperate need to actually run away from all the absurdities and hectic schedule by going back home.

Yes, my threshold for homesickness is reduced to two weeks. Previously during Ortho I could go up to three weeks.

Even a few MOs noted this change - which probably isn't saying much considering I'm more or less like an open book. You can tell that something is wrong...but even so some people misunderstood it.

So if I can't even hold a 'neutral' expression, what, pray tell, do you expect of me?

And so, whatever. Think what you want - all I know is that I'm not causing anybody trouble, and only He knows of my misery.

2. Two of those rare moments that I appreciated a baby in the nursery:

i) "Oh my God, so cute! Can I take him home and not return him to his mother?"

Colleague #1: "Can you put him down? I want to examine him..."

"You're just trying to pry him away from me..."

Colleague #1: "Okay, fine, then you examine him la..."

"On examination, baby is cute. Unable to proceed further."

ii) Still with the same baby,

Nurse: "Dr, dah habis ke belum? Saya nak pulangkan 'kat mak dia..."

"Kak, saya tak nak pulangkan, boleh tak? Comel sangat!"

"Boleh. Dr je la yang bawa balik, bagi dia susu..."

"Erkk, saya takde susu. Saya bagi Nescafe boleh tak?"

"Macam tu tak tidur la budak ni..."

3. I curse awfully a lot these days. The amount of curses that came out from my mouth in a day is more than a whole Ortho posting put together.

...Not exactly something to be proud of, I take it?


Current Music: Who Says - Selena Gomez

Nil

I have nothing to say.

Words fail me when things are swiveling away out of my grasp, just as reality seems so threatening that my imagination is on the verge of rejecting it in favour of an idealistic, rose-tainted world. When the surrounding entropy is too much even for me to handle. When I'm surrounded by morons who refuse to see reason, and refuse any cooperation just so we can increase our efficiency.

This is one of those times that I feel utterly embarrassed for my race.

A friend of mine would counter all my negative thoughts, insisting that I have what he called a "positive charisma" - whatever that is supposed to mean.

I still have yet to learn, that this fleeting world is insignificant, immaterial compared to the everlasting life in the Hereafter. This world is too trivial to be wasted by being in constant sadness.

...What does it say of me, as a Believer?

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People