Defeated

1. I want to give up.

It's like I can't say or do anything without being judged, and my intentions being misunderstood.

Am I speaking in some alien language, and are my thoughts so out of this world?

Am I so insignificant that I can be trampled to the ground just like that?

Why does everything seem foreign to me all of a sudden?

I condemn myself enough, there is no need for anyone to share that luxury anymore. Especially when they know nothing.

...If only I could give up without compromising anything.

2. It's all a matter of time, is it not?

They say good things come to those who wait.

Others say that time and tide wait for no man.

Which principle should I subscribe to, pray tell?

Only time will tell.

...This is going nowhere, honestly. Dear God.

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People

Running the Gauntlet

"Don't wish it were easier, wish that you were better" - Jim Rohn

She was panting when she reached my side. I gave her a few minutes to catch her breath. It was fine - we were in no hurry after all.

"Tired?" I asked when her breathing pattern was restored, her rate normalising.

"Yes."

"...tired of what, specifically?"

She wrinkled her forehead, confused and perhaps, wary of me. "What, specifically, is your question?"

"Is your apparent tiredness stemming from exertion of running away, or are you tired of running away itself?"

"Ah. Good question." She paused to ponder. "You think?"

"I'd say it's both, although the former is more obvious than the latter. At least, by my standards."

"You're right. I am tired of all this running away - avoiding responsibilities, avoiding things just because they have a high probability to screw up. Running away from things when they don't agree with me, or when things are bound to become bad and ugly. Tired of all the panicking and hoping."

I nodded in agreement. "Life will screw you over."

"Quite true. Running won't exactly solve anything. The most it can provide you with is some temporary relief, before falling on your back, regardless if you've seen it coming from a mile away."

"And so...?"

"Well, I suppose to prevent life from screwing us over we'll just have to be well-prepared for it. I mean, sometimes we just have to give in to life, to what has been appointed to us. Stop asking 'why me?' when the world appears to go against you. Playing with 'what if' situations won't really help much to reduce your stress." She beamed at me.

"It's nice to see this paradigm shift in you."

"Yeah? I just hope it's not too late, and that it lasts properly...the heart can't take all the lashings coming its way, anyhow. Well, I'd better dash off..."

"What, where to?" I asked. "So soon? You're running again?"

"Yeah. There's no escape from the bad things in life, but I'd best start equipping myself with whatever is necessary for my survival. Besides, what option do I have but to run, when Time itself flies?" She winked, and was off again before I could say another word.

Indeed, tempus fugit. Regardless of where we stand, be it trapped in the past or anxiously anticipating the future, Time still moves forward.

Run on, until the curtain closes...and perhaps, one will be finally worthy of the applause that might follow.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

P/s: Crossposted here

P/p/s: "Running the gauntlet", according to the Oxford American dictionary, means to "go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal". Appropriate title is appropriate.
As a side note, this was supposed to be written in poetry form but...this fever is killing the words in my brain. Maybe some other day...

Demarcation

To me, any revelation is always greeted by at least three different sentiments: some joy, some indifference, and mostly fear. Because knowledge is power, and sometimes power can be abused, other times to be feared.

I've figured out at least some part of the answer to my "meaning of life". Hold your horses before you yell out "God and religion, obviously! Wake up, woman!" to me, because I assure you, while you are not wrong (very not wrong, in fact!), I must remind you that I have an inherent ability to complicate things beyond your imagination.

And allow me to present to you my findings, as I see fit:

Blurry is the line

as I see those things

as I think of others

The world you see

A splash of colours, celebrating life

And yet to me

I see a range of gray

More dark than white

With occasional blind spots

They say "Never lose hope"

But I miff, bittered

By the past, by these wounds

Another say, "No expectations,

no disappointment"

Here I tremor,

Not in seeing the error

Of my ways or thinking,

But in anger.

"What, pray tell!"

I yearn to counter

"Tell me how the two differ?

You put your thinking in the future,

I put anticipication in mine"

And so they, enraged, rebuke,

"Nay, you put pessimism!"

"Again, my good people,

where do they differ?

where do you draw the line?

"To anticipate what could go wrong,

surely you need some dark clouds.

Yet you accuse me of pessimism,

loathing it as if it were poison.

And I, if I could,

would say that your optimism,

is just your delusions, your blindness

blanking out those you wish not to see,

your denial."

But no, I have not the will

And so I smile weakly,

praying that the weakness is not my will,

"Here, alas, we part ways,

we agree to disagree.

For our past differ so greatly,

we may never see eye to eye,

but I implore you, as I pray I shan't,

to never lose Respect."

----
(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011

Current Music: Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

I Want to Believe

1. ...but there is an omnipresent black hole that sucks the living daylight from every sliver of light that flickers.

But the need to believe - this trust in God - wants to fight back. And so it struggles on, with whatever ounce of energy it has.

And, as always, my Ego self that is perpetually in the middle of a tug of war between the Superego and Id, will always swing to one side and then to the other. I'm getting dizzy from all the motion, sick of all the drama, and growing numb from all the uncertainty.

It's always the same darn thing over and over again, and really, when will this cycle end!? Haven't I learnt anything!?

2. ...It's pretty obvious that I'm trying to get in the mood for Psychiatry, is it not? Perhaps it's a means to drown the unpleasantness that I had to suffer through back then.

3. Bought a book that I've been searching for since roughly a week ago. The Sherlockian by Graham Moore. At this point in time I know I shouldn't be investing in more fictions, of all things, but lately it's getting hard to find joy in things that I used to have so much passion for. And so when the need to indulge comes, especially when it comes to those that rank high in my list of addictions, then there is simply no compromise.

Kind of like coffee too, come to think of it. There's the phase of need, then when it's not fulfilled the withdrawal symptoms come, and later on you'll find yourself drinking coffee just to maintain your physiological level at a basic functioning state. Otherwise the neurons get cranky, firing up in the areas that you least need activity in.

4. “The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live” ~ Joan Borysenko

...Lately I keep on getting killer questions, even _after_ the exams. Oh heck.

5. I was asked what my new year resolution would be. Then it struck me - with great horror! - how out of touch with time I've been lately, and that things are really coming at full speed, regardless whether I'm ready to play catch with it or am even prepared for a defense.
"What will be your 2011 resolution?"
'OMG it's really going to be next year soon! OMG!' "...to get skin hypertrophy." 'And it's not in the cancerous version, dear God...please, not that.'
"What?"
"...meaning to grow a thicker skin."

...Yeah. Maybe this numbness is a way of getting there. Perhaps it's not too impossible after all?

6. Why this? Because I can, and I need to lay off this blog for a bit. All the extra-lengthy posts gobbles up too much of my time, and it's probably easier opting for summaries and graphic representations instead.
Take note: Probably.
...Oh God.

Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry

This is, like, y'know, cool and stuff...

*cough* ...well, at least it is, by my standards, being a stickler for words and linguistics and the related. And I'm starting to be intrigued by this typography thing...ahh, the wonders of graphics and technology.




----------------
Now playing: The Classic Crime - Sing
via FoxyTunes

P/s: ...I miss Miyavi so bad. *sigh*

Open Season in the Mountains

There will often come a time when we are stripped of our personal protection gear, to be held hostage or as an open target for others - more often than not, those people whom we are inferior to, and almost automatically cower in fear due to this vulnerability felt in their mere presence - to open fire at us, at least in the form of words. I say words, because "verbal abuse" would be too over the top, with no reflection over the true situation and, decidedly, very much unjust especially if said words are most deserving to the recipient. God Forbid notwithstanding!

Clinical exams are one thing, viva is another. Speaking from past experience in third year - not much, but sufficient to quote to prove one's point - as one stood with the examiner, it felt as if the rest of the ward melted away to a state of nothingness; a mere backdrop, and whatever sound, movements and hustling about faded to make room for the one who would decide if the student before him/her was competent and knowledgeable enough to pass and move on to the next stage. Although one may be able to still stand properly and tread away with a normal gait, these are no helpful indicators of the nervousness that permeated throughout one's internal milieu; indeed, tachypnoea, diaphoresis, tremor, pre-hypertensive blood pressure readings, chest pain, headaches, aberrant patterns on ECG, and some other deviation from the accepted standard of normalcy within the medical field may very well manifest themselves.

A form of adrenaline rush that had never failed to knock one over regardless of his or her own preparation prior to the event.

More beyond this field of vision »

火焔

They say to never play with fire.

In its petite form, we admire the beauty it glowers with, the warmth it radiates. It's what keeps us warm and fuzzy on cold nights, the light that illuminates us in the dark, the symbol of celebration as fireworks light up the dark sky in dazzling colours.

Fire can turn into foe in but a split second, reducing to ashes everything that dares to stand in its way, evolving into wildfire as it devours its unsuspecting prey.


It rises to the sky, majestic yet menacing, and we are reminded that there are some things that we cannot fight empty-handedly.

It's painful when the flame licks your outreached finger. With no luck, a scar marks the place as an unwanted memento of the experience.

The burning doesn't last indefinitely. When air is exhausted, the chemistry runs out, and the now timid flame breathes no more.

It leaves despair even after it is gone, the memories vivid, the aftermath real. The lingering smoke, thick and gloomy, can still suffocate.

Do we pick up the pieces on the charred ground and start anew? Or do we leave everything behind, running towards another light? Will that light promise a better outcome?

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

...Looks like distancing is the solution. I wonder how long it'll be until I become famished and malnourished though...

Current Music: Sweet Dreams - Beyonce

In Juxtaposition

Perhaps, one of the keys to happiness in this life - one of which is utter devotion to God - is the ability to live in harmony.

By harmony, I'm not merely referring to our external milieu, i.e. Being kind to our parents, friends and neighbours, or being one with nature, or making sure that each of your piece of clothing blends well with each other and agrees with you as a person.

Yes, the harmony within. No state of unrest that is completely full-blown, mind-boggling, emotionally unsound, physically crippling, which promises nothing but misery and turmoil.

And yet we know that things are created in pairs, and thus they - and whatever springs from them - also exists in pairs. He and she, black against white, good versus evil, yin and yang, right and wrong, up and down, Newton’s Third Law of Motion, sympathetic and parasympathetic, matter and antimatter...

...Order and Chaos.

It's like a game of tug of war, with you smacked dab right in the middle, entwined in an intricate web of circumstances, rendering you helpless and scarred.

No matter how you yearn for peace and order, it will be torn by havoc. It is the law of entropy.

It consumes energy and takes time to restore order.

It doesn't take long and much to blow everything into oblivion. Especially when the end is near, with you no longer have anything to fight with, or to press forward.

At that time, defeat is imminent.

It's the same with people. The good reputation one has laboured day and night to achieve and maintain can be history after one minor but disastrous slip up.

...frankly, I've grown tired of this, but the rational part of me insists that I should discard the irrational thoughts and tendencies. It doesn't accept "the soul is willing, but the flesh is weak" excuse anymore.

Meanwhile, the never ending conflict builds up...and I've a feeling the climax will go off with a bang.

Of Hate and People...and Hating People

Despite the negative ambiance the title is supposed to carry, it's better to view this entry as a sarcastic view of life's many colours.

(i) People
You know the inherent tendency to develop change. Simple examples like how one's worldview changes with each passing episode of one's life.
I just realised that it's not necessarily change per se...
...it's the discovery.
Initially you know the person's one aspect of personality, and then the other...The latter of which may seem to be in direct contradiction with the first.
It's only when you contemplate more on the complexity of human behaviours that everything - if not most things - start to click into place.
So maybe it's more complicated than just blaming everything on people changing. It's when the situation changes, and the person just reacts to it...just not the way you had expected or wanted him/her to.
...It's hard to accept, but hey, that's just the way it is.
Like I like to say : Life's a discovery.

(ii) Hate
Generally speaking, people hate someone either because they are bugged by it, or because they think they're superior to it. Overlap between the two may occur.
But seeing how they respond, it's pretty easy to guess.
When they don't actually try to help you to alleviate a certain situation, it's kinda obvious that it's the superiority complex, if there exists such a thing.

(iii) Hating People
Although this is related to (ii), it's more personal.
I remember saying that I'd rather avoid conflicts...but when conflicts come to me, the debater in me is unleashed and all hell breaks loose.
So far I haven't reacted too badly, I think.
When I hate or dislike people, I try to find the reason. In most cases, I end up hating myself for hating the person, especially when I realise that I may not be a good enough person to start judging people and labelling them either 'likeable', 'tolerable to a certain extent' or 'despicable'.
Last night I could find no answer to this hate. Which led me to this certain feeling of relief.
I haven't had the enjoyment of hating someone for a long time. Especially when it's hate at first sight.
I'll remember the name, the face, and the words. Seriously though, I'd rather forget the words.
Still, the person is too grating to even deserve a space in my memory.

Yes, I know that this entry exposes the bitter side of me - A side that is writhing to get out and wreck turmoil to seek revenge.
So what am I to do now? Especially when I'm confronted with this abominable, haughty excuse of a *****?
Just give the thing a smile that wishes it an unbearably painful misery; A sadistic smile that is oblivious to whatever the thing has to say or do.
This will be one smile that is the most effortless of all.

Beyond Words

It's when Raya is around the corner that I cannot help but think: What exactly does it mean when somebody says sorry?
A) "I feel awful for being such an inconsiderate person in that I failed to pause and wonder if my next step would bring you immeasurable distress?"
B) "I regret for having caused you much grief, and will see to it that it shall not repeat in the future"
C) "I know I shouldn't have done it, but I had to (or, I just did). Now that I'm asking for forgiveness, it naturally follows that you should forgive me"
D) "I suppose I did make you feel sad/angry/annoyed/etc, but I can't remember any right now, so I'll just do this because it's tradition"
E) "Oh, heck, everyone's doing it. I'll just follow the crowd"

But I'd like to point out that whatever one's answer may be, in some (most?) cases it's easy to forgive but not easy to forget.

So what _does_ forgiveness actually mean?

A dictionary defines it as "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake".

I mean, it actually helps that forgive=/=forget, because otherwise, we'll be ignorant of the fact that it could happen some other time even after the negative emotions have long subsided. We'll just get mad all over again, and the whole process will repeat itself...until one party decides that he/she has had enough of it all.

Of course, some people never learn.

More beyond this field of vision »

Fe

Fe
the chemical element iron

Iron
1 a strong, hard magnetic silvery-gray metal, the chemical element of atomic number 26...

Irony
adj of or like iron
noun the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect
- a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result
---Oxford American Dictionary

And thus, from the above collation, Fe is the element to describe my life.
While my minitest II results is yet to be out, judging from my emotional state and how I responded to the paper in what could be one of the longest one hour of my life (possibly due to my lack of confident answers...), these are my laws lest history repeats itself (be it in exams or other matters) and pummel my subconscious self (and my self-esteem along with it) to subsea levels...
1. Don't _ever_ discuss _anything_ before the paper - Paranoia is bad news
2. Don't work _too_ hard - Over-exerting thyself leaves exhaustion for the real feat
3. Anticipate, but don't hope or play 'spot the question' - because when I try to become optimistic, reality falls on me like stone rain
4. Never expect others to conform to your expectations, nor should you hope for their sympathy - Trust me, it rarely works.
5. Let it go - If it is meant to be yours, then God will grant it for you
6. Give and take - It is true, but not necessarily in the simplest of ways
7. Avoid regret
8. Over-confidence is evil
9. Correct timing is imperative
10. Believe in Heaven

Current Music: Time's Scar