Lost

This world is becoming uglier by the minute. Thieves, hypocrites and selfish people roam free, preying on the little people. It is scary.

 I swear to God I'll never forget the thief who stole my precious iPad. I pray that a miserable death awaits this perpetrator.  

Current Music: Maps - Maroon Five

Intermission #47

1. It's like everything is telling me to leave this damned hospital.

Never mind that I might not be adequately equipped in terms of knowledge, skills or clinical judgment. Never mind that I'm leaving friends behind. Never mind that I'm stepping into unfamiliar grounds.

I just feel in my heart - with great conviction! - that this is not a place for me. I can't, for the life of me, see myself developing properly if I remain in this backwater place.

It's like all departments are hostile towards each other. There is no respect, no trust.

Let's not even get me started on how ancient the infrastructure, the facilities are.

And the mindset. Oh, God, let's not even go there!

Dear God, save me, for I am powerless to save myself.

2. Now that the elections are over, can we just move on?

So BN retains the government seat. Did they really cheat? Only God Knows. But they can't afford to be complacent anymore.

All I know is, I'm sick of racial politics, regardless of which side incited it. I'm sick of opening my FB newsfeed and seeing hate and accusations, back to back.

Everybody needs "UBAH". And I mean it as change for the better, no matter what your political ideologies or worldview.

...I don't know what to believe in anymore. It's easier to give up than to constantly seek for the truth, in today's graying world, where authenticity is difficult to ascertain, despite the many sources of information available at our disposal. Such irony!

How do you seek the truth when there is slander all around, when people deal in lies, and people act more emotionally than rationally?

Is ignorance bliss? I'm starting to think so.

So please, let's just put all this conflict aside. Stop acting childish. Man up and stop being such a sore loser. Remember that the helm of governance is actually an amanah, and God will question you in the Afterlife.

...And for God's sake, clean up all the flags and banners. They're an eyesore already!

Current Music: Taking Over Me - Lawson

Sixth!

Done with O&G, finally. Thank God. Sick of everything there already.

And...as for Anaes, surprisingly, I'm not enjoying it as much as I hoped.

Frankly, I'm scared. Very, very scared.

Current Music: Let Me Love You - Ne-Yo

Intermission #46

1. In almost every situation, there is a high chance that there will be one mood-maker; One whose mere presence gives what kind of atmosphere the rest of us will be in.

Generally in the ward, this role is filled in by the specialist. If s/he is irritable or just being a pain, then chances are the rest of the day is screwed.

Actually it doesn't really matter which department you're in, but here in O&G and Surgical, you can practically feel the tension growing in the air; so thick that you might need a chainsaw to cut it.

The point is, don't abuse your power. This includes the tendency to inflict some indirect psychological insult.

2. Yesterday at work, while my specialist was deep in thoughts thinking on what to do about a suspicious CTG tracing for one of the patients who was in labour, I was in my usual pose - right hand poised with my trusty pen in position, ready to jot down whatever he might have to say. Then he glanced at me, and just gave me an amused smile. He commented how us HO's are always writing down stuff.

I blinked cluelessly, stared once at my pen, recapped it and chucked it into my pocket.

"Ah, that's better," said he.

I gave a measly smile, and stared at my half-written entry.

Then he ambled next to me, whispering, "You know, house officers are not clerks. You're a doctor. Aku dulu pun tak suka clerking, tulis-tulis..."

And, surprising even myself, I blurted out, "Yes, actually I'm confused too."

He chuckled silently. "Don't be."

When he already left me, I just stared at the still unfinished entry.

Yes, I think I'm very much confused about my job description.

I think I'm so used to being a mak turut, merely following orders and running here and there, that I can't even develop my own thinking skills; instead finding myself being so scared of questioning authority blatantly, even when I know they're being unreasonable.

3. I kind of envy how some people are not afraid of speaking out when they see injustice. Maybe they have this air around them - what they say comes out as a constructive criticism, a mature observation of human fallacies.

And me? Maybe people just perceive my words, my opinions as childish complaints, nothing more.

4. I'm very tempted to leave this hospital once my time for MO-ship comes. Especially when the lab is being an absolute pain in the arse, because there's no way I can bear taking up Pathology - if the chance ever presents itself - when I absolutely resent their policies.

Current Music: Angel with A Shotgun - The Cab

P/s: I'm getting really lazy with titles, am I not? Pfft!

Obligatory New Year Post(?)

It's just another, run-of-the-mill day, to survive.

It just goes to show that while we are definitely growing older, to say that we are growing in wisdom and maturity is still up to interpretation.

Most things change, whether we like them to or not. And as for those that remain the same...well, they are too deeply ingrained that I wonder if there is ever hope for any improvement.

Just another one question out of many that I doubt I will ever find the answer to.

Current Music: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Intermission #41

I shouldn't let my work define my entire life. There's more to life than just work, after all.

I shouldn't let people get to me. People will be people anyway.

I shouldn't let my emotions get the best out of me, even when I probably have too much of them to begin with. Too much for this frail frame to handle.

I shouldn't get too involved in uncertain issues.

I should adhere to all the above mantra, because life is tough and what other option do we have other than to be tougher?

I still haven't grown up after all these years, have I?

Current Music: Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars

Upside Down

1. I'm astounded as to how ignorant I could be at times.

2. One reason why I chose this profession was because how I hated bureaucracy - the sense of being a "pak/mak turut" to your superiors because you're just a lowly kuli and so inexperienced and oh-so-styoopid.

Dear God, I didn't expect I could be more wrong. This is the epitome of bureaucracy.

Remember this rule?

(i) Your boss is always right.

(ii) If your boss is wrong, refer to rule number (i).

Yeah. My working environment is the perfect embodiment of this rule.

Which naturally brings us back to my point 1. Woe is me!

3. Perhaps rather than blowing your top and scolding us house officers (who are nothing but your cheap source of labour anyway), you MOs or specialists or whatnot's should just sit together and discuss among each other what each and everyone of you can request from each other, so that one department will not go and order bizarre and insane things from other departments.

It'd do a world of good rather than sitting together and complaining about us HOs. At least you'd probably understand each other better instead of condemning other departments for their so-called inefficiency or joblessness or whatever rubbish you can think of. Unless your egos are just too big to listen to other people.

What use is there in yakking at me when I'm only following orders?

And for the love of God don't bother asking me questions when you don't give me a chance to answer or give proper reasons.

And if you're just too high and mighty to entertain us HOs, then go yak at my superiors instead!

Honestly though. It feels as if all the higher ups do is complain about us rather than changing the hospital system or manner of management.

They're doing it wrong. But who are we to tell them that, hmm?

4. Don't think just because we're HOs, we have no idea what we're doing.

Oh wait, I forgot. We're your punching bag, your scapegoat, your black sheep. Getting scolded at for no good reason is apparently part of our job description.

...Pshaw! Is this what you call professionalism? Is there a need to make other people's lives more difficult than necessary?

5. I'm becoming less enthusiastic to join Pathology with each passing minute. Damn it.

6. God, when will this suffering end!?

I just hope I will not become like those that I now hate. Difficult, certainly, what with my own temper becoming more and more uncontrollable by the minute...

Current Music: Drive By - Train

Intermission #40

1. Getting real tired of all this crap, of this emotional roller coaster, and the unnecessary sources of stress.

I don't understand how some people can find even the smallest mistakes to point fingers at us lowly HOs.

How is it that people can find so much entertainment, so much sadistic joy in demeaning us the little people? Have they forgotten that they were once like us?

Or do they automatically judge us as incompetent just because we now subscribe to the shift system as opposed to their much demanding oncall system?

For all you know some of us lowly house officers are actually better than how they used to be back in those days in some aspects.

Of course there are those that are problematic, but what about the rest of us who work for real? Do all our hard work and energy go unnoticed?

Honestly, I don't enjoy my work anymore.

2. I can feel the distance growing between us, you who have risen above and I, still stuck in this gutter.

You who are having the time of your life, and I, struggling to find the small beacon of joy amidst all this despair.

You who have all the time on your hands, and I, always behind.

You who are in a crowd, while I, left deserted.

So forgive me for my inability to share your laughter, and - perhaps? - I shall forgive you for forsaking me.

Current Music: Hall of Fame - The Script featuring will.i.am

The Long and the Short of It

I'm making quite a name for myself as a no-nonsense, perpetually pissed off (senior) HO.

My scolding patients is not a new sight these days.

After 1 year in the system, I am already so severely disillusioned.

Is it that bad? Perhaps I exaggerate at times, but perhaps very few would argue with me if I say that the absurdities that this sorry excuse for a hospital dishes out to us house officers beats HTAA by a long, long shot.

Lab rules and protocols are moronic that I'm utterly embarrassed to adhere to their stupid system.

Patients boleh tahan jugak banyak cekadak diorang.

So called protocols and procedures retard our work.

Stupid CMEs are mostly a waste of time, when presenters obviously didn't put in much of an effort.

And for God's sake please stop calling me "Kak" already; I'm an effing doctor for crying out loud, stop telling me to change your IV drip!

And 2 years of HO-ship is too bloody long. Would I say that I'm learning? Hardly - most of my present knowledge I carried from my years as a medical student.

Four months of one posting is too long. What are we, cheap sources of labour!? Will all these insane levels of stress and overwhelming workload and lack of appreciation be worth it in the end?

I realise that the despair and disappointment in the general quality of HOs are not entirely fictional, but even so all this brouhaha is shedding light on an entirely wrong perspective. Even I occasionally facepalm at certain peers of mine, that at times I want nothing more than to fling my shoe in their direction.

I maintain that the higher ups should also share the blame, instead of making us the scapegoats just because we're the lowest in the hierarchy.

The working conditions could use a great deal of improvement. But what to do, the hospital is in poverty anyway.

The hospital is in near-shambles. The elevators are too damn slow, they give no meaning to "stat" anymore. As if the stupid procedures to enter the lab itself is not slowing things enough...

And don't even get me started on how stupid all this code asking business just to ask for blood.

I'm frankly surprised that the mortality rate of this hospital isn't any higher.

Screw everything, I'm outta here as soon as I can if I can help it.

Current Music: How to Go - School Food Punishment

Halfway There, Halfway Gone

"We often like to believe what we want to believe, often because the real facts challenge us too much. It is far easier to wallow in our prejudices than to seek out the truth in anything" ~ Marina Mahathir, The Star 30/08/2012.

1. Dear God, I can't believe that I'm already in Year Two of working.

I think of it as a mid-working life crisis. You know that you're long enough into the job that certain things are already second nature to you. You know enough people and are familiar with the procedures to get things done. You've worked long enough that you're already a familiar face to certain staffs.

And yet there are still things that still get to me.

How my stamina doesn't seem to have improved over the past year. How less tolerant I am to people - patients and relatives alike - who are bloody irritating. How pissed off I could get when my work is delayed no thanks to bureaucracy and the higher ups' ego and mood swings.

I like Medical because of the approach. But what I dislike about it is that it strikes me as a behavioural thing and thus, because of human fallacy and habits are just so hard to break, the process is endless.

Admissions are aplenty. Patients smell of cigarette smoke. Patients with psychiatric problems contributing to the chaos in the ward. And damn stupid elastoplasts that don't secure branulas properly should just rot in hell along with all the stupid, temperamental ECG machines.

This hospital is getting more and more idiotic.

2. The human factor in medicine is, as always, a great contributor to this love-hate (mostly hate, to be honest) I share with Medicine as a whole.

That is one reason why I shouldn't be allowed to practise clinical work.

But doing Pathology would mean abandoning the ward procedures, which previously actually took me some time to acquire.

Other specialties that I have considered include Anaesthesiology, Orthopaedics, Surgical and even ENT (I quote an MO of mine: "Easy no tension!").

Some people say I should worry about these options later. I say that I need something to look forward to, to work hard for.

All I know is, I need to get out of this damned hospital.

3. I feel old these few days. Maybe because a great number of fellow HOs in my current department are first posters, therefore are substantially younger (~2 years) than I am. Sometimes people mistook me for an MO - compounded by the fact that I prefer to roam around the ward without my white coat (I blame the global warming!).

A few people I already know are already MOs. I'm feeling some sort of delayed development here on my part.

4. Dang, esok keje lagi...

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Whence Shalt I Even Begin?

First of all - yes, I'm done with Surgical posting. There were a few hiccups every now and then - though I maintain that I am by no means guilty of most of them! - but the important thing is that I'm out of the torture chamber!

It's a good feeling. Praises be to Him, as He had definitely Eased me through it all. Especially since the department seems to be deteriorating with every passing minute, it's fortunate that I've already completed my four months' imprisonment. I want out of the madness, and not a minute too late!

Four months is a long time, no kidding. You know you're practically an ancient relic when your MOs start asking you if you're still in the department...because you've been with them for so long already. Pfft!

Would I say that I'm a better person after this experience? I truly doubt it. I remember getting frustrated and wondering if there was still justice in the world and fearing that my humanity will eventually be compromised in the process...or that I will evolve to become a replica of those that I despise.

My end of posting leave is approved, and I've been home for a few days. Alas, my sleeping pattern is as screwed as ever, and I spent most of my hours catching up with valuable Zzz's.

I'm just so bad at this.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

Temperamental

...I blame the hormones. And myself too, I guess. Because we have always been taught not to blame others, and nobody likes to be blamed for others' problems.

I know I'd feel that way. And I also know for a fact - here I sort of blame my ego, but whatever - that I absolutely hate it when people contradict me.

Maybe it's because I spend an insane amount of time cogitating, weighing options, coming up with conclusions, rewinding scenarios in my already messed up brain. And so when it struck me that people tend to jump to conclusions only after analysing a small slice of my life, my behaviours, I get irritated...and I snap.

The rebel within me awoke today...though not exactly in front of the right people.

Maybe I've been far too lenient all my life. In which I allowed people to make decisions despite the fact that I'm the one who will be suffering the consequences. I allowed people push me around. I allowed them to nag me even when all I want is for them to just drop the effing issue. I stayed around to get an earful of their lectures even when I know very well that they are just working on assumptions.

Perhaps my Surgical posting has made me extra impatient, in that I can tune out whatever I refuse to hear up until a certain point before I actually burst, instead of letting it go.

I don't even want to have opinions anymore. What good is there, when what I say, what I do, who I am don't matter in the least?

Current Music: Fix You - Coldplay

Compilations #18

1. I'm just so tired of everything.

Being constantly thrown into different wards just after I'm well adapting to one is starting to take its toll. And while the female ward can be relatively more peaceful than the male ward, in terms of drama it is anything but peaceful.

If I could just throw throw my hands up in frustration and just walk off to leave all this madness behind, I would. Because I can't take all this stupidity anymore. The hierarchy is too much. Certain people are just not professional enough. People are becoming more and more selfish. Patients demand too much, way beyond what we can provide. Oh, heck, the hospital's in a damned poverty, and the ECG machines should just burn in hell. Haemato lab people - some of them - are lazy (Pick up the phone, morons!) and so darned annoyingly rude.

Even my best is not good enough, my patience has seen better days, and nowadays all I want to do is to just lock myself away and cry myself to sleep.

At one point it feels like everything else is hopeless, and I can only depend on myself. But it just exhausts me entirely.

Lamenting to people is no good, but even complaining to God doesn't seem to bring much relief.

What do I do then?

Years from now, would I be able to look back at this moment in time and say that "Yes, I survived this hellhole, and I'm a better person because of it"?

2. I may not have good understanding of people as I thought.

That would explain why I can be so socially awkward at times. Why my social life is nonexistent. Why I am just so bad in maintaining friendships. Why I have very few friends that I feel like I can share my problems with without feeling so bad for burdening them.

...And why I'll most likely be forever alone.

...Damn, I feel more tears coming.

I need a break from all this...desperately.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

An Ending is Just A Beginning of Something Else

*If you are looking for happy stuff, please cease reading at once and look elsewhere. If you are looking for a glimpse of the darkness that has consumed me at the moment, then so be it; My advice, carry on with caution.

Done with 2 weeks of tagging in the Surgical Department, and honestly, I dislike it immensely.

Somehow the hospital always manages to throw one surprise after another - and not in a good way, I assure you. Just when I thought that the Paeds nursery actually runs on havoc alone, along comes 4-2 and somehow, suddenly nothing actually makes sense.

The passover system is stupid, hands down. We are not nurses, and honestly, we are burdened with enough unnecessary tasks as it is. And the rounds take too much time, leaving us with little time to get things done before the next rounds begin.

And it's horribly ridiculous when you have more MOs than HOs doing the rounds. At one point I just wanted to purse my lips and just do what we HOs essentially are - secretaries.

We are understaffed. How can we complete any of the ward work when we are expected to go for OT (one person for elective, one person for emergency operations), daycare, scope room, and the radiology department to go begging for urgent scans? 

Also, the schedule is crazy. There is no making sense when all you have in your hands and around you is insanity.

In whatever establishment, there needs to be a system. No matter how many times I have emphasised the fact that I thrive on entropy in the past, it no longer applies when there are just too many people in the picture. Hence there needs a good teamwork, a good sense of responsibility, a mutual feeling of "I've got your back".

Here, it's like people's negative qualities manifest only too easily. Everyone is too busy saving their own skin. We're too busy passing over things that the ward work is compromised.

I like to think that I'm not as negative as people make me out to be, so imagine my rage when I was accused of being too judgmental over people instead of trying to be more positive about the whole situation.

I frankly am quite tired of trying to look for a positive aspect when it's greatly overshadowed by the negative and the insanity.

And tomorrow...honestly, I'm scared to face tomorrow.

Can't today stay instead? Because today, after one week of torture...I savoured joy.

Current Music: Rolling in the Deep - Adele

People Will Be People

1. After a certain point, one just couldn't give a damn as to what people think of oneself anymore.

I'll be frank here: ever since I entered nursery it feels as if my semi-depression has worsened. As such, there is a desperate need to actually run away from all the absurdities and hectic schedule by going back home.

Yes, my threshold for homesickness is reduced to two weeks. Previously during Ortho I could go up to three weeks.

Even a few MOs noted this change - which probably isn't saying much considering I'm more or less like an open book. You can tell that something is wrong...but even so some people misunderstood it.

So if I can't even hold a 'neutral' expression, what, pray tell, do you expect of me?

And so, whatever. Think what you want - all I know is that I'm not causing anybody trouble, and only He knows of my misery.

2. Two of those rare moments that I appreciated a baby in the nursery:

i) "Oh my God, so cute! Can I take him home and not return him to his mother?"

Colleague #1: "Can you put him down? I want to examine him..."

"You're just trying to pry him away from me..."

Colleague #1: "Okay, fine, then you examine him la..."

"On examination, baby is cute. Unable to proceed further."

ii) Still with the same baby,

Nurse: "Dr, dah habis ke belum? Saya nak pulangkan 'kat mak dia..."

"Kak, saya tak nak pulangkan, boleh tak? Comel sangat!"

"Boleh. Dr je la yang bawa balik, bagi dia susu..."

"Erkk, saya takde susu. Saya bagi Nescafe boleh tak?"

"Macam tu tak tidur la budak ni..."

3. I curse awfully a lot these days. The amount of curses that came out from my mouth in a day is more than a whole Ortho posting put together.

...Not exactly something to be proud of, I take it?


Current Music: Who Says - Selena Gomez

Intermission #32

I can't take it anymore.

There has to be a limit to what kind of stupidity that the superiors are putting us into. If you want things to be done, how's about stop introducing stupid rules that restrict us in our job?

The breaking point is so near, it's like something is breaking in my chest, and I'm suffocating. Overwhelmed by all this rubbish that I'm in - against my own will, and yet still too powerless to do anything about this.

I'm starting to forget what happiness feels like. One thing for sure - even during my convocation I felt numb, apathetic.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain

Detrimental

As I go on in this working life, it's inevitable that I get exposed to - and am being forced to reckon with - various human traits that simply defies any simple classification. Mind you, not only from the patients and their relatives, but also from my peers and my superiors (whom I still can't call "Boss"...tsk tsk much?).

One thing that I always try to avoid is talking bad about people. It's not something I like to be done to me, but I suppose nobody can really stop people from talking, yeah? I try to avoid any conflict, and even try to avoid being roped into being a spectator for one. So imagine when someone commented about another's bad attitude/behaviour/etc to me? I just sighed and forced an understanding smile, trying to push out the thought if anyone actually said the same thing about me...and just went ahead with my work.

...Which makes me wonder why people accuse _me_ of being overly negative. Or does the fault lie with me for making myself vulnerable to unfair accusations from people? With all due respect, though, I believe I still have the right to let out some steam whenever I reach the limit. I guess that's why people complain after all? So I too should be able to complain when I absolutely feel like it...

And that pacifist voice in me? The voice is getting slower and slower with each passing day, as my patience grows thinner and my temper fuelling up.

It's ugly. It's ironic, how this supposedly noble profession is very much tainted. It's not all sparkles and glory. I guess whenever people are involved, the equation will always turn out to be more complicated to be understood, to be solved.

When I opt for silence - most of the time probably out of uncertainty on how to response rather than "I shall not dignify your remarks/jokes with an answer" - people say I'm in one of my mood swings. Excuse my saying this, but...what the hell?!

Isn't it ironic if it turns out that my profession of saving lives will be the exact thing that turned out to be, God Forbid, the death of me? I mean, all the stress and negative energy that I've accumulated (ever since med school itself?) must be putting a strain on my body and my general health...

Current Music: Hold Me - Savage Garden

Intermission #30

...If there is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand, it is people being uncivilised.

Since when is it cool to hit on random people? Especially when an example of said random person happens to be one stressed out, recently started houseman who was stuck doing discharge summaries as if she's actually a clerk and relatives nagging on when the deuce can their son/brother/etc get out of the ward?

It impedes on my professional front, which means that there is a real danger of my spite making itself known to the whole wide world.

So maybe I'm actually pissed off at something else or maybe even with myself, but whatever, and I'm starting to lose it, bit by bit.

Makes one wonder how long it'll take before I actually snap, yes?


...So maybe I'm actually pissed off because it's not the person I'd like to who's actually doing the wooing. Damn it, self, what the deuce is wrong with you!?

...Pardon the colourful language. It's the stress talking, I assure you.

Status Quo

The idleness will be the death of me, but to be honest, it will be duly missed once it ceases its reign, and I enslave myself to a life of responsibilities and serving the people, all in the name of answering His Call.

At times I wonder what is it that I've got myself into; Abandoning my interests and what essentially made me, me…will it bode well in the end? Or rather - will I survive the journey itself? Or will I be torn asunder by the gravity of the job, the multiple facades of people, and these turbulent times? Will my sanity maintain its steadiness, or will it finally crack under pressure?

Through all these, I hope God is with me, though undeserving I may be. God Forbid.

I have been writing a lot, although truth be told, most of them still reside in my head rather than in any tangible form. I've been spamming my Tumblr like there's no tomorrow, and similarly, busy deleting spams that somehow made it into my mailbox. Out, damn'd spam[1]!

The truth still stands, strong as ever. Writing is what I do. Thus my thoughts continue to wonder, what am I to do?

The differences between Arts and Science, the two are like estranged brothers, as different as night and day. While Science revels in the unrevealing of mysteries and the unveiling of truths, the Arts seem to reign supreme in the unknown and the irrepressible. How many tragedies written in the past were driven by people unable to contain their rage and rabid desires any longer? How comedies could bring joy to an otherwise murky world?

The two coexist in my head, a jungle of unexplored territories, a garden of juvenile hope, a dungeon of human fallacies, a stretch of plane where imagination takes many forms in turn?

Not to say that I regret my education thus far. But perhaps the Arts has not been given enough recognition it truly deserves, which goes beyond the superficial looks and the temporary glitters and greedy glamour? Even now, as idleness accompany my days, as I seek to amuse myself with whatever shows the television offered me, oftentimes that I found myself frowning in rebuke and scoffing with scorn.

Perhaps the tragedy of the Arts is that it's all, "been there, done that". Every cliche imaginable has been recycled that the effect has been lost, replaced by disappointment. The all reaching media ensures that there is a continuous stock of things that would feed the public's hunger for the hedonistic. And so what was left, except looks?

The problem of paper thin plots and gaping plot-holes are covered up by actors and actresses that are only pretty faces but are unable to act to save their lives. Tone deaf singers without much practice and wide range of abilities only need to ensure on looks to get them by. There are also gimmicks and cheap publicity stunts  that they used to boost up their popularity.

We are easily satisfied with mediocrity, and we become thirsty for more.

It is this quest for beauty that the public unwittingly get trapped in. People are not beautiful enough, not thin enough - but what is there to say about one's attitude?

"You're perfect as you are", or "Never change", or "Just be yourself". Yup, I've seen a lot of them on Tumblr.

While I'm not against positive advices, I do caution their use in situations. Such advices mentioned above are definitely not for those in dire need of a change of attitude.

There is a stench of haughtiness of "I'm good enough", as in the case of "I do as I please". Whatever happened to the quest of becoming a better person each day? Isn't that what growing up is supposed to amount to?

What goes around comes around - some people call it karma, but it's just God's Decree.

I apologize if this post had somehow trod on someone's toes, but it needed to be said. I assure you that all the rumination that I've done over this post hasn't actually relieved my conscience.

Current Music: Sadame - X TV OST

[1] - Parodied from Shakespeare's original work. Here is the real thing - Macbeth Act 5, scene 1:

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then
'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and
afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our
pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to
have had so much blood in him?

Compilations #11

It feels...not good.

I have yet to discover the clear demarcation between 'ignoring' and 'denying'. Perhaps it's because my head is never good with such distinctions, especially when it comes to subjective matters.

Just like I can't seem to practise this 'optimism' that people preach.

I wonder if calling me a 'walking paradox' won't be off the mark...

2. It feels like a love-hate relationship.

Lately I've been disappointed for far too often. Too often, too much. The anime titles that they're churning out are becoming more and more - shall I say - derogatory in nature, although there are a few selected titles that make me look forward to them.

This doesn't stop me from following up via anime blogs though. Why do I continuously subject myself to such trifles?

Is it something worth bragging about if I can walk into an anime store and give a synopsis of at least 85% of the anime stuff that they have? And let's not even get me started on the seiyuu themselves...

3. But I am getting utterly frustrated with the manga Detective Conan. It's like a bunch of filler chapters over and over again, except that the cases are not enticing to say the least.

The kids are an annoying bunch...and I kind of wish that Ran will just drop dead already.

4. Bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored....bored.

5. And yet back then when classes were on I was still stuck with boredom. What on Earth is wrong with me?!

6. ...I probably have been watching a bit too many movies. Is it normal to not feeling excited about having watched Kung Fu Panda 2?

Or maybe I just can't get over the talking animals.

...Somewhere along the way in the cinema I wondered if it'll be considered racism to be having different animal species in a movie depicted differently.

7. ...I probably should have put a warning before I actually started typing this entry. The obligatory "turn away if you don't want to be plagued by my despair or something".

Too late though. I apologise.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills