streak

The time for me to leave my life of comfort is nigh. Back to my torture chamber.
Confucius, in his Analects once said that "A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar". So it hit me straight in my face.
I've always thought that I'm different (read: abnormal), in that some general rules that apply to mankind is incompatible with me. I believe that one can still beat the odds when one's fully relaxed i.e. in comfort. I believe that when I'm not truly comfortable with the situation I'm in, it takes away my focus from the main problem at hand. And that will bring dire consequences.
The downside of that is...it leaves me static. Meaning, it puts a limit to my variables. Providing a certain code - I have to be in this state at this specific place in this certain state of mind to perform - practically limits my capabilities as a whole.
In the end, no matter what, I'm still restrained, by these inherent chains.
So what choice do I really have? Do what I can and pray for the best?
For now, maybe that's the only way.

On a brighter note...I need Hachimitsu to Clover @ Honey and Clover. Maybe, if it's meant to be, I'll just rent it or something. Plot-wise the story is typical but...the strongest point is the characters (yup, that's what the reviewers said, and I agree!). Morita Shinobu is simply _hilarious_! And the anime managed to bring a smile to me, even when I was utterly down, down, down...

And what have I 'achieved' during my 10 days of break? I could only remember allocating time for my depression episodes, sleep (sleep, and more sleep...), reading non-academic stuff, watching tv (animes! I'm in heaven on Earth!) and...yes, downloading like crazy! It's a pity I never got Laruku's Link MV (or...Yui's Life, just for the whim of it...), since megaupload is being such a pain. And Kotani Kinya sounded different in Blaze, compared to his earlier songs - I couldn't recognise him!
But all good things must come to an end. And so must this entry too (not that it actually passes as a 'good thing'...Really. In the future, I'll look back to my past and...I'll get humiliated all over again. Erk!).

Current Music: Arigatou - BON'z

err

When you make a decision, the only way for you to know if it's the correct one would be some time after the decision-making period. Like Robert Frost's The Road not Taken.
So have I totally screwed up my life just because I'm where I'm not supposed to be?
Not really. There's still space to put up a fight to retaliate. I mean, others are in a much more...screwed up situation.
...and as cliched as it may be, there's might be a silver lining in this cloud.
Next issue...I think my mind is starting to have a mind of its own. God. It's thinking of what I should _not_ be thinking. I mean, hey...I'm already giving insufficient time to think of purposeful matters and now...it's using my brain's glucose that is meant for academic purposes!
Maybe I've been exerting it too much in the past...three months. Never mind that I haven't stretched it to the limit (not even halfway...God, I've been spoiling it silly!) but still! It should be up and running whenever I need it to! It should be at my beck and call! It's _me_, for God's sake!
...Sigh.

Current Music: Falco - Shimatani Hitomi

Random

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

...Eh?
Anyway. Back to my manga-reading...I'll deal with my Anatomy post-exam revision later, once my mood returns. Right now it's on a journey around the world...Just to annoy the wits out of me.

Current Music: Answer - Glay feat. Himuro Kyousuke


P/S: Recently found out that Himuro Kyousuke and I share the same birthday. He's not Gackt but...Saa, now I'm talking nonsense. I think I'm starting to get obsessed with this music. Somebody pinch me.

Karma

"You can't think about things you want to change. Just be yourself" - Ethan Embry

Never, in my whole entire life, have I felt this degree of depression and worthlessness.
So it was my fault - to some extent. To say that things did not go my way isn't so far from the truth either.
That set me thinking.
Why were we taught to never blame others, but blame ourselves in any negative event?
Blaming oneself is depressing, and is a great way to pressurize oneself. Aren't we supposed to NOT be too hard on ourselves? I suppose that only counts in terms of being able to forgive yourself for your defects.
Never blame others...perhaps it serves as a tool to maintain your social networks. That is, if one is compelled to blame everyone and everything else and neglects his/her own role in said problem, then...I don't think he/she'll have that many friends, if any.
In conclusion, from what I am able to deduce from this so-called code...If you blame yourself, then there's a higher chance of mending/turning the tables, since we can only control ourselves and not anybody else.
(Of course, I must stress that in my case, it'll be difficult to change myself. There's a reason why I'm so hardheaded, and there's another reason why I fear change).
Back to my predicament.
For the first time. I have utterly screwed my exams that any fragment of chance for it to be un-screwed has been sucked up by cosmic-sized black holes into a Land of Nothingness.
Of course, I still pray for Good. Now that I have done my part (not entirely to the best of my 100% capabilities, but for an amateur...I'd say I deserve some forgiveness from myself and...those who are willing to forgive me), everything is up to God. Sure, it's predestined, but not knowing the future...While it can give one hope, one should also be prepared for the worst.
Would you say it's pessimism? I don't know. I prefer calling it being realistic.
What seems bad to you may, in truth, be the contrary as time goes by.
My God, I sound positive.
So now, even if people say I drown myself in angst, I shan't say anything to correct them. As long as I know that it gives me some benefit...I suppose there's no need for me to convince the entire cosmos.
What a way to go.

Shita

I'm feeling more down than usual. Obviously, like always, it has something to do with exams.
I don't know why I should be feeling this way. Unprepared, yes, but God has proven to me many times before that all I have to do (aside from work!) is to trust in Him.
And my brain refuses to remember things. Why? Has my soul been polluted far too much, rendering it inability to absorb anything that is good?
On the side note, today, I officially touched the cadaver, and organs. First organ touched: liver.
Being in this course made me appreciate my organs, and God's creations more than ever.

Hibi

August 31.

It's one of those days again. Days that I'd rather have as non-existent. Days that people celebrate without truly understanding or appreciating history.

Despite being unpatriotic in the least, I do understand history. I am thankful (to some extent, but thankful nonetheless) for some of the great things that happened to me here. But...to say that the present is truly in glory? I have my doubts, and am not hesitant to say so.

It is true that we are more developed now compared to once before - but let's just put it this way; Our mentality has not developed as rapidly as the materialistic aspect. Backward development? Perhaps.

Imagine: People behaving like they have no idea what 'humility' means! I do agree that people should dress decently in public, but the way some people go about trying enforce 'morality', it's just not right! That's how we get opponents to the notion, saying that it's transgressing basic human rights!

I, for one, don't really like it when outsiders dictate what I should wear (that is God's privilege over me, but He's no outsider!), and hence, I do have something against school uniforms. Given, it would mean that I know, inherently, what may be worn and what may not. It's as simple as that.

I am okay with individualism, as long as it doesn't try to condescend other individuals.

But my main complaint is not wholly on dress code. It's how people behave that really ticks me off.

We claim we're civilised. But during 'celebrations', so called, why do most of us degrade ourselves, lower than the level of animals? It's downright embarrassing and depressing, how I wish to just escape from this pathetic country and how weak I am to challenge the mainstream 'culture', if I may put it as such.

Personally, if they have no religion, I couldn't care less. But please! Forget not He Who hath Lordship over thee, and never shalt thou forget thyself!

And there's also this 'habit' of blaming others, or other cultures.

Some claim that it's the West who has contaminated our lifestyle. But did they pause and ponder about the real situation?

They have their own lifestyle, yes, as do we. But, our problem is that we are too quick to copy what is not really good, or those that are not meant to be for us. For instance, everybody knows that smoking is bad, health-wise or...whatever it is. But some people do it because it's 'cool' and the need to be 'accepted'. Take note: I'm not only referring to cigarettes, per se, since there are also local...addictive that are a big no-no. Caffeine is not included, though.

And, we are bad drivers. We're not sporting enough, nor are we concerned about other people's safety on the road. And I'm willing to bet that the West are better drivers than we are. Is it because they were the ones who came up with automobiles in the first place? It's anybody's guess.

Politics. Our current political pattern, quoting a lecturer, is not designed for unity. The government comes up with a notion, and the opposition has to oppose. It's not beneficial for anyone if two sides, supposedly representing the same mass, are arguing. Whatever happened to 'work towards a common goal, forget our differences'?
Education. Again, we're copying what is not suitable for us. We're learning too much, yet it doesn't really shape the human within us. It's just food for brain, but isn't it supposed to supply our conscious as well? The system is too exam-oriented, that students abhor exams rather than enjoy it (ie. treating it as a positive challenge). We're becoming too worried about scoring instead of paying enough attention for us to enhance our skills.

It's absurd, how what we were taught does not really apply in real life. Could one say that, after all it's said and done, it's just a waste of time?

Current Music: We are One Tonight - Switchfoot