I Want to Believe

1. ...but there is an omnipresent black hole that sucks the living daylight from every sliver of light that flickers.

But the need to believe - this trust in God - wants to fight back. And so it struggles on, with whatever ounce of energy it has.

And, as always, my Ego self that is perpetually in the middle of a tug of war between the Superego and Id, will always swing to one side and then to the other. I'm getting dizzy from all the motion, sick of all the drama, and growing numb from all the uncertainty.

It's always the same darn thing over and over again, and really, when will this cycle end!? Haven't I learnt anything!?

2. ...It's pretty obvious that I'm trying to get in the mood for Psychiatry, is it not? Perhaps it's a means to drown the unpleasantness that I had to suffer through back then.

3. Bought a book that I've been searching for since roughly a week ago. The Sherlockian by Graham Moore. At this point in time I know I shouldn't be investing in more fictions, of all things, but lately it's getting hard to find joy in things that I used to have so much passion for. And so when the need to indulge comes, especially when it comes to those that rank high in my list of addictions, then there is simply no compromise.

Kind of like coffee too, come to think of it. There's the phase of need, then when it's not fulfilled the withdrawal symptoms come, and later on you'll find yourself drinking coffee just to maintain your physiological level at a basic functioning state. Otherwise the neurons get cranky, firing up in the areas that you least need activity in.

4. “The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live” ~ Joan Borysenko

...Lately I keep on getting killer questions, even _after_ the exams. Oh heck.

5. I was asked what my new year resolution would be. Then it struck me - with great horror! - how out of touch with time I've been lately, and that things are really coming at full speed, regardless whether I'm ready to play catch with it or am even prepared for a defense.
"What will be your 2011 resolution?"
'OMG it's really going to be next year soon! OMG!' "...to get skin hypertrophy." 'And it's not in the cancerous version, dear God...please, not that.'
"What?"
"...meaning to grow a thicker skin."

...Yeah. Maybe this numbness is a way of getting there. Perhaps it's not too impossible after all?

6. Why this? Because I can, and I need to lay off this blog for a bit. All the extra-lengthy posts gobbles up too much of my time, and it's probably easier opting for summaries and graphic representations instead.
Take note: Probably.
...Oh God.

Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry

Zetsubou-shita!

Keyword of the day: Despair.

And no, I don't think it's delusional for me to think so. In fact, to be able to still engage myself in decent conversations in addition to the fact that Prof Sani (who joined Prof. A to take my short case this morning) remarked that my smiling meant that I did well in my long case, which is false, by the way, would mean that I might be having some mood incongruity. But today itself I had more than enough of thought blocks and depressive mood and...I'm starting to think that taking a neutral stand by responding "Whatever" is possibly the best one, given my current condition.

Am I even making sense here? Argh.

As a side note, I'm sort of looking forward to Psychiatric posting - to be there as a student, of course, not a patient! And when I say "looking forward" to it, I am _not_ talking about the clinical aspect.

Current Music: One in A Million - Bosson

About Time

We interrupt your usual program to broadcast this obligatory pre-exam panic-infused entry by one final year medical student who really should've got the hang of exams by now but no...things are rarely that simple for her.

Confound it.

It's amazing how the more pressed for time you are, the more unexpected things happen to take exactly that away, and replaces in its void a mix of dread, regret, fear and frustration. At more things than one, which really doesn't really help at all when all I need is some decent perspective, and some serenity.

It's also amazing how everything that one has read before can be easily swept away when one is overwhelmed by...well, anything, I suppose. I can't speak for everyone. Besides, my brain isn't what it used to be. Is this the effect of aging!? Or could it be depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder or just plain bad memory? Or is my heart already too corrupt that it has lost its ability to absorb knowledge?

Revision weeks, how I miss thee.

...Right. Carry on with your business, people.


Current Music: Coming to Terms - Carolina Liar

Limbo of Lingos

I thought I had a firm grasp on reading.

That was before I came face to face with the wall of words, lingos and terminologies that are destined to mess with my head.

Barely five minutes into this thing we're supposed to prepare - a seminar on Journal Presentation - and already my head is reeling like an unending roller coaster ride.

Maybe the main problem is I don't get a single idea of how it's supposed to be, and so the what does not follow. Or maybe it's the other way around - oh God, I have no idea. At all. I'm just overwhelmed by the influx of massive data that my brain wants to hit the 'pause' button - only that it's nowhere to be found.

Should I just let my right brain take over the ride? In that case there's a great danger of this journal literature review turning into a literature review of another sort - in which fiction reigns supreme and my imagination runs wild.

Is it possible to choke from reading too much? I mean, as of now, there are seven tabs on journals that are open. SEVEN! You can't even count that with one hand!

...

I need a break from all this.

Current Music: Say (All I Need) - OneRepublic

Intermission #14

In which I realise that it's already December, which means that a lot of things are coming at me...soon. Gasp.

Source

Source

...Methinks I should just get meself a tumblr account if I'm just spamming this place with pictures. It's already too small for my ardent tirades and inexhaustible verbiage.

Giving the Lie

A poem by Sir Walter Raleigh. Oh, he's just the fellow who introduced tobacco to the world England, and while I am unhappy with him for that, it is still tragic how he fell victim to the circumstances and how he met his end.

Perhaps this life, to some extent, is still full of lies.

"The Lie" - Sir Walter Raleigh

Go, soul, the body's guest,
….Upon a thankless arrant;
Fear not to touch the best;
….The truth shall be thy warrant:
….….Go, since I needs must die,
….….And give the world the lie.

Say to the court it glows
….And shines like rotten wood,
Say to the church it shows
….What's good, and doth no good:
….….If church and court reply,
….….Then give them both the lie.

Tell potentates, they live
….Acting, by others' action;
Not lov'd unless they give;
….Not strong, but by affection.
….….If potentates reply,
….….Give potentates the lie.

Tell men of high condition,
….That manage the estate,
Their purpose is ambition;
….Their practice only hate.
….….And if they once reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell them that brave it most,
….They beg for more by spending,
Who in their greatest cost
….Like nothing but commending.
….….And if they make reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell zeal it wants devotion;
….Tell love it is but lust;
Tell time it meets but motion;
….Tell flesh it is but dust:
….….And wish them not reply,
….….For thou must give the lie.

Tell age it daily wasteth;
….Tell honour how it alters;
Tell beauty how she blasteth;
….Tell favour how it falters:
….….And as they shall reply,
….….Give every one the lie.

Tell wit how much it wrangles
….In tickle points of niceness;
Tell wisdom she entangles
….Herself in over-wiseness:
….….And when they do reply,
….….Straight give them both the lie.

Tell physic of her boldness;
….Tell skill it is prevention;
Tell charity of coldness;
….Tell law it is contention:
….….And as they do reply,
….….So give them still the lie.

Tell fortune of her blindness;
….Tell nature of decay;
Tell friendship of unkindness;
….Tell justice of delay:
….….And if they will reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell arts they have no soundness,
….But vary by esteeming;
Tell schools they want profoundness,
….And stand too much on seeming.
….….If arts and schools reply,
….….Give arts and schools the lie.

Tell faith it's fled the city;
….Tell how the country erreth;
Tell manhood, shakes off pity;
….Tell virtue, least preferreth.
….….And if they do reply,
….….Spare not to give the lie.

So when thou hast, as I
….Commanded thee, done blabbing;
Because to give the lie
….Deserves no less than stabbing:
….….Stab at thee, he that will,
….….No stab thy soul can kill!


Current Music: How to Save A Life - The Fray