Compilations #17

1. Spare me the drama at work, please.

It's amazingly scary what stress can do to you, and what you in turn do unto others. Even I find myself sniping at those I find deserving - especially after I made the initial effort of being extra-civilised and yet received a disappointing response.

Sometimes it's just not worth the extra effort.

I can't afford to play nice all the way - not when people don't seem to appreciate it. Yes, I know it's supposed to be for God and all...but I am just human, liable to emotional breakdowns.

I try not to impart judgment on people...because deep down I realise that I might(?) be doing the same mistake if I were in their shoes.

2. There is a change in how I spend my money these days...and I'm kind of worried.

3. How do you define me? How do you see me in your eyes?

Maybe you don't know me that well. Or maybe I'm just too multi-faceted that you don't get to see a certain side of me that prefers to hide in the darkness, behind a pleasant face.

Or maybe I'm the one that's in error, blind to my own shortcomings.

4. I'm starting to understand - and emulate - my mother's occasional indifference(?) to patients' complaints.

...Good God, I really need to be done with housemanship and just get out of clinical work for good.

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Departure

I hate this distance.

My grandfather passed away yesterday, and I received the news when they were already twenty minutes into giving him CPR. No matter how I sped, I knew it was impossible to reach there for any last words.

There was a sense of hollowness in me during the entire day...even until now.

I pray that God will place him among His Blessed. Amiin.

Compilations #16

1. I have just lost whatever ounce of respect I once had, however negligible it was to begin with.

This may prove to be problematic in the long run.

Is this just my larger-than-life ego speaking? Or does it stem from my disappointment in those I call my superiors?

2. How is it possible to maintain one's niyyah and selflessness - keikhlasan - at work, when it feels like everything is working against you?

Dear God, let not every effort of mine be in vain in Thy Eyes.

3. Which is worse - no system or bad system? I honestly can't tell anymore.

I can't take all the stupidity around me.

4. Dunia dah terbalik...

5. Sometimes I think we don't match. We, who come from two different worlds, with different temperaments and whims.

But every time I hear your voice, my heart makes a little leap like a young puppy, and against my will a smile breaks through the iron facade that I put up.

When our eyes meet, a small part of me can't help feeling that I may not be good enough for you, and wonder what is it that you see in me, a simple girl with a disjointed view of the world. And so I tear my eyes away - reluctantly! - because I don't wish for you to see the sadness that threaten to show itself with each passing time.

Somehow I have a feeling that you know what you've done to me.

...Stop making me fall harder, darn you!

Also...I kinda hate that I'm missing you more than I should.

...I'm so bad at this sort of things, am I not?

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

In Which I Talk About the Same Darn Things

"Change your thoughts and you change your world" - Norman Vincent Peale

1. Alas, I lament for my failure as a narrator!

Is my life so monotonous that all I ever talk about is work? And my neverending regret for my inherent weakness to change myself and the world around me? And forget not my penchant to dramatise everything - surely there has to be a limit to what nonsense I get off on!

(If I'm not making any sense, blame it on my lack of sleep last night - all in the name of work!)

In some aspects, surgical is not too bad. Sure, there are those things that still irk me every now and then - such as the impossibility of finding for things when you need them (e.g. X-ray films and case sheets and even the...gel thingy) and how we keep on running out of things (We have too many admissions! Stop getting yourselves sick, people!) and how people still keep on thinking I'm a nurse (Dangit, what the heck is wrong with the world!?) and specialists demanding things that are close to impossible.

There are a few nurses that are helpful. Certain PPKs don't mind sending down the blood samples that I asked for. Certain nursing students didn't mind helping us to do ECGs. So yeah, maybe it's not too bad.

But it still hurts being pressurised by those on top.

We're still understaffed.

The system is still as abominable as ever - if not worse.

I lament for the health state of the general public, and their awareness.

I weep for my own state of being human.

...And I pray that I will not later on become like those I despise.

2. Have you any idea what you've done to me?

I am now a stranger to myself. All these feelings that I can't contain...I can't even pour them into a sonnet, a hymn.

...Then all the feelings manifest as gastritis. And so - foolish that I am! - I can only go, "Wait, what!?"


Current Music: Drive By - Train

An Ending is Just A Beginning of Something Else

*If you are looking for happy stuff, please cease reading at once and look elsewhere. If you are looking for a glimpse of the darkness that has consumed me at the moment, then so be it; My advice, carry on with caution.

Done with 2 weeks of tagging in the Surgical Department, and honestly, I dislike it immensely.

Somehow the hospital always manages to throw one surprise after another - and not in a good way, I assure you. Just when I thought that the Paeds nursery actually runs on havoc alone, along comes 4-2 and somehow, suddenly nothing actually makes sense.

The passover system is stupid, hands down. We are not nurses, and honestly, we are burdened with enough unnecessary tasks as it is. And the rounds take too much time, leaving us with little time to get things done before the next rounds begin.

And it's horribly ridiculous when you have more MOs than HOs doing the rounds. At one point I just wanted to purse my lips and just do what we HOs essentially are - secretaries.

We are understaffed. How can we complete any of the ward work when we are expected to go for OT (one person for elective, one person for emergency operations), daycare, scope room, and the radiology department to go begging for urgent scans? 

Also, the schedule is crazy. There is no making sense when all you have in your hands and around you is insanity.

In whatever establishment, there needs to be a system. No matter how many times I have emphasised the fact that I thrive on entropy in the past, it no longer applies when there are just too many people in the picture. Hence there needs a good teamwork, a good sense of responsibility, a mutual feeling of "I've got your back".

Here, it's like people's negative qualities manifest only too easily. Everyone is too busy saving their own skin. We're too busy passing over things that the ward work is compromised.

I like to think that I'm not as negative as people make me out to be, so imagine my rage when I was accused of being too judgmental over people instead of trying to be more positive about the whole situation.

I frankly am quite tired of trying to look for a positive aspect when it's greatly overshadowed by the negative and the insanity.

And tomorrow...honestly, I'm scared to face tomorrow.

Can't today stay instead? Because today, after one week of torture...I savoured joy.

Current Music: Rolling in the Deep - Adele