Intermission #22

1. Today was...I don't what how to describe it. Surreal, yes, but I've used the word before in the same setting so...ah, screw it. Yes, it was surreal, but it's good that it's finally over. The last end block exam before Final Pro ended for me this morning.

And it was...meh. There's no other word for it, so it should do for now. Or maybe my brain is too lazy to think right now. Brainfreeze much?

2. There's always something to be thankful for, no matter what - I need to remind myself of this obvious fact every now and then. Also, there's always something that we can count on...

Life will be much easier if I could actually stop over-analysing stuff. I think my imagination is too active for my own good. Channel some of those energy to the Memory section, will you? Pfft.

3. As a side note...zOMG WHY is my knowledge on neurology so MEH!?

Current Music: More - Usher

Just the Way Things are

Royally screwed beyond redemption, but things didn't get worse - thank God for that! That is a one-line summary of how my Psychiatry clinical exam went.

Perhaps I was destined to screw up from the beginning. The moment the patient walked into the room, I had a temporary lapse of thinking. As if my thoughts were taken over by a void so empty, so dark, and it swallowed me whole.

But somehow I pulled myself back out of that hellhole, only to fall back into it around ten minutes later.

And when the patient started crying in front of me, I figured I was doomed.

The history that I got was so pathetically scant that I almost felt embarrassed to present. So my diagnosis, I based on the Mental State Examination rather than the history.

Do I blame the patient? At one point, yes, and I'm not even embarrassed to admit this. I'd say it was human to be in despair, given my state at the time, and really...did I have any choice in the first place?

Do I feel regret for not knowing the case even though she has been warded since two weeks ago? Not really, no. Regretting would mean blaming myself - and blaming my fate, I suppose - so that's the last thing I need for now.

Maybe life'll be easier to tread on when you just find within you, that willingness to accept whatever God has Given you.

I just wonder if my 'acceptance' appears to be more of 'forlorn'.

Maybe it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.


Current Music: Main Theme - Zombie Loan OST 

P/s: I'm still sad that Psychiatry is over, although frankly, it's probably more than I can take...

I Want to Believe

1. ...but there is an omnipresent black hole that sucks the living daylight from every sliver of light that flickers.

But the need to believe - this trust in God - wants to fight back. And so it struggles on, with whatever ounce of energy it has.

And, as always, my Ego self that is perpetually in the middle of a tug of war between the Superego and Id, will always swing to one side and then to the other. I'm getting dizzy from all the motion, sick of all the drama, and growing numb from all the uncertainty.

It's always the same darn thing over and over again, and really, when will this cycle end!? Haven't I learnt anything!?

2. ...It's pretty obvious that I'm trying to get in the mood for Psychiatry, is it not? Perhaps it's a means to drown the unpleasantness that I had to suffer through back then.

3. Bought a book that I've been searching for since roughly a week ago. The Sherlockian by Graham Moore. At this point in time I know I shouldn't be investing in more fictions, of all things, but lately it's getting hard to find joy in things that I used to have so much passion for. And so when the need to indulge comes, especially when it comes to those that rank high in my list of addictions, then there is simply no compromise.

Kind of like coffee too, come to think of it. There's the phase of need, then when it's not fulfilled the withdrawal symptoms come, and later on you'll find yourself drinking coffee just to maintain your physiological level at a basic functioning state. Otherwise the neurons get cranky, firing up in the areas that you least need activity in.

4. “The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live” ~ Joan Borysenko

...Lately I keep on getting killer questions, even _after_ the exams. Oh heck.

5. I was asked what my new year resolution would be. Then it struck me - with great horror! - how out of touch with time I've been lately, and that things are really coming at full speed, regardless whether I'm ready to play catch with it or am even prepared for a defense.
"What will be your 2011 resolution?"
'OMG it's really going to be next year soon! OMG!' "...to get skin hypertrophy." 'And it's not in the cancerous version, dear God...please, not that.'
"What?"
"...meaning to grow a thicker skin."

...Yeah. Maybe this numbness is a way of getting there. Perhaps it's not too impossible after all?

6. Why this? Because I can, and I need to lay off this blog for a bit. All the extra-lengthy posts gobbles up too much of my time, and it's probably easier opting for summaries and graphic representations instead.
Take note: Probably.
...Oh God.

Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry

Zetsubou-shita!

Keyword of the day: Despair.

And no, I don't think it's delusional for me to think so. In fact, to be able to still engage myself in decent conversations in addition to the fact that Prof Sani (who joined Prof. A to take my short case this morning) remarked that my smiling meant that I did well in my long case, which is false, by the way, would mean that I might be having some mood incongruity. But today itself I had more than enough of thought blocks and depressive mood and...I'm starting to think that taking a neutral stand by responding "Whatever" is possibly the best one, given my current condition.

Am I even making sense here? Argh.

As a side note, I'm sort of looking forward to Psychiatric posting - to be there as a student, of course, not a patient! And when I say "looking forward" to it, I am _not_ talking about the clinical aspect.

Current Music: One in A Million - Bosson

Broken

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.” ~ Stanley Lindquist

I used to be naive. Too naive for my own good.

The world, through my eyes, is too cruel. My rose-tinted glasses had shattered in its wake, and the shards pierce deep and painfully into my soles. Each step becomes more painful than the one before.

The knowledge doesn't make the journey any less painful. Despite the preparation, there will always be something - a weak point that will be the downfall of everything else. Like cotton candy torn to bits by a machine-gun gone amok. Or a small hole that will eventually be ripped open, wider and wider, that soon an entire forest of elephants could go through the opening.

I don't like being the target. A punching bag for hits of all sorts. When you have no artillery at your disposal for your defense - or, heck, even a brick wall - then all you can do is stand still, as still as whatever left of your dignity allows you, and take it all in your stride.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But this...this is poisoning slowly, that by the time the damage is beyond repair, I'd probably be in a vegetative state, or, simply put, have long snapped.


God Forbid though.

...That is all. For now.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

The Simple(r) Life

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

What if everything that you have ever known or thought that you believed in whole-heartedly - was in fact wrong? Would you say that you were tricked by those delusions? Or would you say that they spawned from ignorance, and now you are freed from those lies - only that you're already leaping across a huge chasm; falling into it means being swallowed alive with no hope raising above and seeing the light, while reaching the other side means facing the great unknown, the indomitable evil within and outside, brutes who are only too eager to bring you down?

Maybe my thinking is a bit too radical, too alien for this part of the world, this community I'm living in. How I came to the realisation that I feel more comfortable working alone compared to dealing with people of all sorts was a shock. I've never thought I'd have this kind of predicament before - whatever happened to the me of yore, who was able to freely achieve things that the current me is still finding the courage to?

And yet when my old friends remarked that I "haven't changed a bit", part of me just wanted to laugh bitterly. Oh, if only they knew...

I missed those days that I did not have to worry about trifles, and how Chance never appeared to me like a looming spectre, eager to grasp me in his claws and tear me apart, and how Uncertainty never laughed at my fumbling in a B-grade sitcom.

If I could go back in time to see the younger version of me, I would engage her in a long, long talk. One that probably would convert her to the current me a bit sooner, but probably would save her the trouble in the long run.

But no! There is no way to turn back the clock. Gone are those days when we could laugh easily and look forward to a brighter, more promising day ahead. In retrospect, those problems that we faced as children were tantamount to nothing - entirely insignificant - to those that we face now. Perhaps the same will ring true when our future self puts our current self in juxtaposition.

It's irreversible. Why is it that we can't seem to learn!?

We only have the Past as our teacher, the Present as our arsenals, and the Future as our spoils of war, a trophy that embodied the blood and tears that we had put into. And we put ourselves - perhaps so much more! - at stake in this great battle.

Ah, the power of belief...so influential, yet so incorrigible.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Moral of the Story?

1. Good grief.
As long as we are humans, there will almost be that probability that we _will_ fail to learn. No matter how many times the scenario is played from the beginning, there is still that nasty, stubborn stain in you that keeps clicking the replay button in you, which then resulted in the same response.

So much for conditioning. It's more of a masochism! Or a dysfunctional adoption of running on Guilt rather than being motivated by Rewards.

How flawed.

...And why is it that the urge to digress always comes at the most inopportune and inappropriate moment!? Only to be replaced by Indolence once a moment of idleness sets in? *headdesk*

2. As much as I heart Specialised Posting with all my heart and soul - not so for Radiology, but I'll let it slide for now - I'd much rather do Elective posting. Seriously!
Not going to ramble about the exam because...well, it's not good for my tender(?) heart.

3. Am really considering trying out Kaichou wa Maid-sama! because...well, simply because. Even if it's shoujo. Or the lead's a tsundere. Or all the bubbles and sparkles.

4. How to Train Your Dragon OST. A superb collection...also because of the bagpipes. Yes, I like bagpipes...ever since Gackt's Oasis.

Current Music: Wounded - How to Train Your Dragon OST

Orthopaedics: Final Impressions

Because the mind - mine, at least - is rarely as idle as the physical body, it is only now I can put my thoughts on this virtual paper, mainly on Orthopaedics as a whole. Partly also because a few others have done the same, and there is no harm in jumping on the bandwagon...

So. MCQ was like a migraine attack, One Best Answer some sort of retribution, PMP was a breath of rather suffocating air, clinical exams was...is there a single English word or expression that incorporates the notion of what-have-I-learnt-all-this-while-oh-God-is-there-no-hope-for-me-at-all?

If anything, the finals had made me doubt whatever beads of knowledge that I have gathered during the course of this posting. Practically everything, from the site of pin insertion for skeletal traction, the antibiotic regime, and if I belong where I am.

But! One of the beauties of medicine is that we more often than not learn more than what is enumerated in the syllabus. It's not just about the disease - one must always treat the patient as a whole.

The ward is a good place to observe human behaviour, be it patients, visitors, doctors and fellow peers. When one is ill, that's when one either puts down all his or her defenses and pretences, and resolves to whatever solution - although the aptness of said solution may be subjected to debate *cough* - that guarantees escape from the predicament...which actually includes utter despair and surrender to whatever Fate has in store. Upon the infliction of pain, some would have no qualms to simply throw one's sense of self-reserve; others might even view this an opportunity throw their weight around.

And yet it is this same problem that can bring out the worst in people. I suppose in that aspect one would be forgiven in thinking that being in the wards would be no different from, say, driving on the road.

Yes, the wards, where one can see a spectrum of human behaviour, from the very good to the unbelievably bad.

More beyond this field of vision »

Intermission #5

Oh my.

The break has actually ended! And despite my intention to read up on anatomy in hopes to prepare for orthopaedics...well, it didn't work much. Alas. But that was expected, considering that I was mentally unprepared to shoulder the task, with too much thinking on other trifles taking up too much of my time. That, and mending a broken heart ('coz biostats hates me. No kidding.).

Yeah, so much anticipation, mostly negative, for the impending posting. Haven't been to the hospital for _ages_, it'll take some time getting used to it again...

...And trying (in vain?) to find a safe and proper parking space. Yeah.

Oh God. *facepalm*

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Now playing: Sting - If I Ever Lose my Faith in You
via FoxyTunes

Year 3: My Epilogue

Am home after 3 months of struggling mostly against lethargy and laziness in Surgery. I suppose I got fortunate - I mean, it seemed so, but really, who knows?

Looking back, Y3 isn't all bad. I mean, my posting-mates turn out to be awesome in their own way, and we did share good and bad times and scoldings from the lecturers together. God, I hope my posting-mates in Y4 will be _at least_ as awesome you guys!

Zooming in on my closest posting buddies: 'Izzah, Izatul & Nazhiyah. Thank you for everything. I value our weekly ritual of lunching out every Friday, in which I've always looked forward to our chats on heavy issues - from politics, global warming, the Malay dilemma, politics, Internet stuff, more politics, and...uh, the many expressions of gastric ulcers (from angry-looking to LOLWUT!? religious-looking gastric ulcers on OGDS?).

Why so much on politics? Because Malaysian political arena is always in a state of unrest - where there's always at least _one_ controversial issue or a series of accusations that heats up not just the Parliament, but the media and the tables at our local mamak stalls as well.

The last so-called meeting we held was in KP's Pizza Hut on Friday, June 12th. The minutes of the discussion basically revolved around the current problems that are the oh-too-liberal Sisters in Islam (SIS), exams, the aforementioned gastric ulcers (...really, now), more on politics (PAS and BN, I'm looking at you guys. Can't you make my newspaper-reading a calmer and more pleasant experience?), and how the services at the restaurant totally failed, and how we were thinking of _not_ paying for the service charges.



I'd like to pray that we'll be posted together again, if that's okay? Miyavi'll miss 'Izzah, and I'll miss our almost-daily mandatory(?) dialogue on politics and whatnots. Teehee.

Oh. The cheery mood of this entry overrides my present post-examination blues episode.
Now I'm off to do some catching up with my anime stuff-u.

Current Music: Crawl - Veltpunch

P/s: If you're wondering how the Pizza Hut episode ended - We left a message written at the back of a paper relaying our unhappiness with the services on our table, and we complained at the cashier to justify our unwillingness to pay for the service charges. Come on, now...we waited over 40 minutes for our pizzas, just because there was only one functioning oven (since last week!?), and nobody bothered to inform us that the orders will take some time? And walking away while someone is talking to you is a huge no-no, whoever and wherever you are... (Take that, rude waitress!)

P/p/s: To be continued in Part 2. Someday.

Looking Back

Considering the time span between the present and the last time I wrote an entry for this blog, a lot has happened.
Now, I am at home and despite the time (1.22 a.m.), I am still more than half-awake, no thanks to a glass of iced nescafe and another glass of mocha smoothie, and with ample time and idleness, it allows me the opportunity to just...think back.
Let's proceed systematically, for once.

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i. First Professional Exam
Date: May 12 - May 14
I figured that I'd be off the wall during the two weeks of revision period prior to this huge event. I mean, we are talking about covering two years' worth of lectures and stuff, compressed into an oh-too-short duration on a mere 14 days, and that's before we subtract all the little yet important activities that one does as a normal, sane human being - eating, sleeping and napping, procrastination, periods of emotional upheaval and negative vibes, and, as one with limited focusing ability, goofing around.
Yes, I remember going out at least three times, spending an average of three hours minimum at a shopping mall, shopping for things that are not exactly in my high priority nor urgent list. Though, buying food to nibble on and for dinner (ah, the memory of heating sausages and crab fillets come to mind effortlessly) does constitute as a normal activity...one imperative for survival and health.
So, as usual, there were hints dropped by the lecturers - one reminded us many a time NOT to ask her again pertaining this matter - as well as our usual practice; that is to say, targeting and...interpreting dreams.
This latter act is, I must confess, one that I engage in, although not without a pinch of salt. Given the fact that it did prove to be useful in the past, it's like a guide courtesy of my instincts, which most of the time is pretty helpful. One prime example is when I dreamt of Dr. Imad in Y1B3, and sure enough, an essay on Hepatitis viruses came out. Then in second year, a dream of Dr. Saxena dictated another essay on pharmacology; of Dr. Emad was on embryology (Development of the female genital tract)...Yep, I know they were long shots to begin with but hey, one's gotta start somewhere.
Just before my Y2B4 (Neuromuscular block) finals, I dreamt of Dr. San San telling me "Ascending tract" over and over again, but not narrowing it down when I specifically asked which one. Of course, Dr. Saxena also made his appearance (which is pretty logical, seeing how hardworking he is). So, when the questions did come by, I was kinda shocked - pharmacology because a tip I received from my classmates actually came out (drugs in epilepsy, hmmm...I seriously thought RA would be asked) and, instead of ascending tracts, Dr. Emad's corticospinal tract (i.e. descending tract) came out!
Being a little optimistic, I reasoned that my instincts were actually pointing towards Pro questions.
But no...Instead, we got repeated questions.

Essay - Cardiac Cycle (which was asked in Y2B1), Anti-diabetics & OHAs (Y2B3), and the one question that was a lil surprising: Streptococci & the medical conditions that they cause. Something like that. This paper also marked a change in my pattern of answering; instead of answering the essays according to their order i.e. their numbering, I skipped question two, going straight for question three once I was done with question one. So I broke one of my personal rules...Sigh.

Short Notes - Uhm. Killer. Getting shocked five times, one for each question, is never good. Inguinal canal (came out once in the past Pro question, but I didn't expect it would make a reappearance!), Biosynthesis of thyroid hormones (exact question in Y2B3...but my answer this time around was worse than back then, mainly because I only glanced at the topic at the last minute...), Congenital toxoplasmosis (not too surprising, but I had expected hookworms or ascariasis or hepatic amoebiasis...), Spinal shock & its recovery (Ha? It was asked as an essay in Y2B4, but now...I didn't remember as much...), and for our Islamic Input...Controlling anger as taught by the Prophet S.A.W. Yup yup. Killer questions.

OSPE - One thing I'm thankful for is that my group was the first to go, which means more time for any last minute preparation for the next paper (said last minute preparation contains, for the most part, an extended afternoon nap...). So...quite a few immunology questions (Ha? A sterilisation technique? Didn't remember much, and the word "autoclave" was completely MIA in my head...), histopathology slides, ovarian cyst (what, AGAIN!? Wasn't this, like, the third time already? ...Not that there was any improvement in my answer even after all that...Tsk tsk), one question about the leg muscle Flexor Digitorum Longus (instead of digitorum, I got confused between digitalis and digiti...Needless to say, since I spent significantly more time with my pharmacology notes, I went for digitalis. Unforgivable, since drugs are way off...I suppose answering 'digiti' - which refers to the fingers of the hand - would make more sense...), one question about anti-lipid agents (I read it already, but I couldn't remember! *tugs hair*), and...many more. Snakes didn't come out at all...Tch. Oh, and another blunder: I forgot how to spell Sarcoptes scabiei.

PBQ - I figured it would be Dr. Naznin's...Peptic ulcer, probably, since it is common and, despite it already being asked in Y2B2's PBQ and PBL, there was still a chance of a repeat question, given the nature of the questions in the essay and short notes papers. Or, Heaven forbid, cancer...Seriously, we had at least two cancer cases already for our PBQ (cervical cancer in Y1B2, lung cancer in Y2B1) and countless in our PBL sessions (oesophageal cancer...). What came out? Hypovolaemic shock due to spleen rupture (reminiscent of a PBL case in Y1B1 and PBQ in the same block, except that the spleen was uninvolved...). Yeah. Histo of the involved organ? Uhm, didn't remember much...Wound healing? Yeah, so Dr. Naznin did say that it was important during our revision class...

MCQ - Where to begin...If short notes was a killer, this was like some sort of divine punishment. For starters, the questions were new, 99.8%. The first question - what I like to call the mood setter - set the wheels in motion by asking, of all things, about the female pelvis (I forgot, despite reading it up a few times!), then another question had to ask about purine metabolism (Yup, read it too, despite half-heartedly...). Yeah, so it was like Y2B1 Minitest I all over again - it was the time when we had close to 100% new questions, and only 20 people passed the paper...
The problem with MCQs is that, being the final paper, means that we, the students, were already exhausted by then. The night before the paper was filled with light if not futile attempts at revising, because the attack of "I wanna go home already!" had started to amplify.

Outcome - Three candidates for Viva Voce for distinction, two of which got it. None for borderline Viva, and likewise, zero failure! Thank Heavens! Quoting Dr. Naznin, we're 40% doctors already! Third year, here we come!

ii. Preclinical Years Recapitulated
It was fun, in spite of the obstacles. The doctors, I hope I'll never forget how fun the lectures were...and the feasts that we had. Really, from the breaking of fast and Raya feasts and our appreciation lunch...It's a fresh sight, seeing how the lecturers reveal a little more human aspect, and not merely the lecturer with his/her powerpoint plus lectures mode.
Still, one conclusion would be that we humans are easily motivated by food...
Cough.
Then comes the issue of how our batch be labelled as the troublesome batch. Decidedly, in academics, we may not be too mad...But when it comes to discipline, let's just say that there's plenty of room for improvement. And, Minitest I in Y2B1...the lecturers had to have a meeting to discuss the unbelievable drop in our achievement. Also, after an essay in Y2B2 on Drugs in Inflammatory Bowel Disease, I expect they had another meeting for that (Dude, seriously? IBD isn't that common in this part of the world...).
So, yeah. We're something...let's just leave it at that. And we seem to force the doctors to hold meetings that discuss about us...Are we craving for attention or something?

iii. Miyavi Bu-Jae Chiaki
If it sounds like a mixed-up name conjured from a random machine, it's not. It's actually the name for our new car, which is under joined ownership of my sister and me. It's a black Myvi...and no, we didn't want black in the first place ('coz black is too ubiquitous, and silver rules), and I didn't want Myvi, although a small voice in me said that the probability of the new car being one is too high to be overlooked.
It turned out that practically everyone in the family loves him (yes, the two of us decided that the car's a 'he'...Don't ask) but I was less than enthusiastic...
Not too aesthetically pleasing, but hey, I rarely get to make the final call anyway...I'll work for my own car, then...

iv. Break
One and a half months before we officially enter third year as clinical students. Sure, it sounds long (it's the longest break we'll ever have as medical students...) but if I don't make proper use of my time, it'll seem as if it had gone by that it'd shove itself right into my face when it's finally over.
My plans are these, not in any particular order:

1. Cooking and baking - Does it seem that I've finally embraced the feminine passion within me? Will it actually become a reality?

2. Learning Adobe Photoshop - Well, I do get requests of drawing comic strips once in awhile, so why not make it really manga-like? One needs to develop the creative brain too...
Plus, I need to finish another comic strip for MSC's DVD, and I owe someone (who has been waiting patiently for it) a Natsumi of Taiho! Shichauzo drawing.

3. Galileo - A J-drama featuring Fukuyama Masaharu as the brilliant but eccentric Physics lecturer, and Shibasaki Kou as a determined detective, who solve cases. Add a bit of Numbers, a tinge of CSI, and a spoonful of mysteries...
So far I've downloaded four episodes. There're six more to go. Frankly I thought I'd give up on J-dramas for good, since Nodame Cantabile had practically raised my expectations and appreciation level sky-high...that I might never enjoy another J-drama (or any show for that matter) in this life as much as I enjoyed Nodame anymore.
So the drama has rekindled my adoration for Fukuyama Masaharu, whom I last saw in Beauty or the Beast.
Which reminds me...Why is it so hard to find (Not So) Perfect Love nowadays!?

4. Anime - I am guilty in that I tend to spend money to buy anime but only watching it halfway (perhaps less than that...), if at all. Example, Tactics , Peacemaker Kurogane, Honey & Clover II, Saiunkoku Monogatari Season I, to name a few, fall under the category of "To Complete" a.k.a "When are you gonna finish this one, you fickle minded woman?!" and Full Metal Alchemist, Saiyuki Reload, Nodame Cantabile (Anime), Code Geass: Lelouch no Rebellion, etc are unfortunately under "To Begin" a.k.a "Have you forgotten about us, scatterbrain of a woman?!". Bleach, Naruto Shippuuden , Tennis no Ouji-sama are just too long and draggy, they're considered "Dropped" for the time being (Actually, I'm thinking of categorising Code Geass: Lelouch no Rebellion under this category as well, since I feel nothing for the characters and am not so curious about its second season...).
What's the worst thing? Apparently I have this knack of expanding my anime collection rather than finishing them properly. I'm looking for One Piece, impatiently waiting for Gintama, containing my curiosity towards D.Gray-man, Shounen Onmyouji, Saiunkoku Monogatari Season II (despite suddenly developing a slight distaste towards the female lead, hence the laziness in actually continuing Season I)...
It's unfortunate that money is the limiting factor in this equation.

5. Manga Scanlations - Anxiously waiting for the next update of 07 Ghost and Volume 62. If finding the scans were easy, I'd like to find more Meitantei Conanof Samurai Deeper Kyo, Gintama (for the heck of it), Saiyuki, Kingdom Hearts, Spiral, etc...
Greedy, greedy. Guilty of greed, Your Honour.

6. Studies - It's a sad fact, isn't it, that this is numbered 6...which means that it struck me later than all the previous things enumerated. So, perhaps now it's time to concentrate on polishing what I've learnt plus reading up a bit on the clinical aspects and physical examinations...
On a side note, I should've bought Hutchinson's rather than Talley & O'Connor...

7. Keyboard - The musical instrument, not the one you type with. It's my dream to at least know how to play one musical instrument, although I know my parents would object to this...

8. Japanese language

9. English language - You wouldn't believe how my English has been impaired over the years I'm in Uni. Oh, the irony! Sad, isn't it? I used to write and read a lot, and now I'm reduced to just an average speaker. Not that I'm aiming to be the best debater or speaker but still...This is a life-long thing!

10. Polishing up my driving - 'Coz driving in Kuantan takes much more skill, gut and mental preparation than in PJ, enough said...

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So that's it for now. Although all the caffeine still wrecks havoc in my brain, my prefrontal area emphasizes that it's time to actually get some sleep. Or at least, endeavour to. I wouldn't want to spend an entire Sunday afternoon sleeping. It'd be a great waste, worthy of a whole week of repentance.

Note to self: Nasi lemak as breakfast is a huge no-no, unless you plan to sleep for a huge chunk of the day. The same goes for roti canai...

Current Music: Kiss shite - KOH+ (Theme for Galileo. I adore the ending sequence!)
Current Book: Kafka on the Shore - Murakami Haruki

Aftermath

So we had our first mini test two weeks ago. It was a horrible, horrible one hour of my life.

Maybe I didn't study enough. Maybe I studied too much (in one way exhausting myself before the real deal). Maybe I took it for granted (I mean, hey, our ninth mini test. One is bound to get desensitized to the horror of mini tests sooner or later...).

The lecturers are now questioning us: Was the paper _that_ difficult?

One lecturer even expressed that he was upset with us within five minutes of entering the lecture hall.

This goes to show that the number of failed candidates must be, in one word, overwhelming. History repeats itself (I heard that the same thing happened to the previous batch, ie our immediate seniors). I guess they did a second round of markings, etc etc to verify the the meagre assumption that something must be wrong.

Obviously it points directly to us. Or the paper, if you happen to be one stubborn student who refuses to admit his/her mistake.

The paper was tough. Either that, or I really, really was not myself. I mean, that one hour was awfully fast - I barely had enough time to think things over.

I studied, and I'm sure others did to (albeit with various enthusiasm and efficacy) but the paper was a shock to us. Plenty of clinical questions (which are actually quite okay once you're given ample time to reflect) and most questions fell in the gray area.

As I like to say, the world is neither black nor white. It's gray.

But mini tests only recognise three answers: True, False, or Blank (otherwise dubbed as "I don't know or not sure and am too cowardly to even hazard a guess lest it deducts a true answer - that is, assuming that I have one in the first place - so I'll just leave the question unanswered and my question paper white").

In mini tests, it's not just about answering the paper. It's about calculating risks (if you're a risk taker, or simply, if you've no choice at all for the reason that any answers that you are confident with may not be enough to earn you a "Pass" status). It's also about budgeting. It's also about time-planning.

Sadly, I failed in all aspects.

Honestly, I enjoyed this block. Physio, haemato - and heck, maybe a lil bit of anatomy... - were all enjoyable (but still, tiring! They should do something about the distance between college and lecture halls). The clinical elements were rewarding; they give you a sense of 'satiety', making you realise that you are actually learning for something more, something higher than mere mini tests or end block exams or maybe even first professional exam. This block is a nice change from the previous one, in which we were bombarded with anatomy (LOTS of anatomy...), epidemiology, public health, biostats, etc.

So I wasn't too depressed when I performed moderately (read: miserably, by my standards) in Y1B4.

Back to the current dilemma.

One can hardly imagine how tremendous this failure could be. I mean, the way lecturers were lamenting, it must mean something that is on a grand scale that even if all of us were to then get credited with distinctions at the end of the block, we would not be able to compensate for this dark episode in our life as medical students?

Some say the results would be out tomorrow. I don't feel like checking. Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

But I am ready to kick aside my record of "Zero-fails in Mini Tests"...if it promises a brighter future ahead.

But we're supposed to work to make our future brighter.

At the rate I'm going right now, I can't even see where I'm heading to. So far I could only remember exams, lectures, tests, and more lectures. It doesn't feel like I could apply what I've learnt thus far to make it as a career once I graduate.

Who to blame? I'm sure I'm not the only one deserving a wallop for this.

This week feels long. Classes are full. I want to go home so badly.

I need fresher air to clear my mind and my head.

And some more Japanese songs to boost up. For now, I'll just go and grab something that could remotely constitute as dinner.

Title-less. Again.

So my exams ended two days ago. Nothing much to comment, except that it was full of surprises - Dude, I thought there would be at least 90% anatomy questions but no... - and, yeah, depression on my part.

Personally, there would be more sadness had my conjuncture been correct (Anatomy hates me, I tell you! It's out to get me! Call the cops!), since I barely managed to squeeze some credible answer once I was confronted with the evil anatomy questions.

Anyhow.

Planning to spend one week (plus-plus?) here before going off home for the break. I mean, it goes without saying that I'm productive without the Wifi connection at home (here, I cycled all the way to the lecture building just to get this darn free Internet access), and it's actually rather fun scrolling through old lectures (provided you can get pass the dreadful Oh-God-why-can't-I-remember-a-thing-about-this-It-has-been-a-mere-less-than
-one-year-OMG-my-memory-is-failing-me-does-that-automatically-make-me-at-risk-of
-getting-Alzheimer's phase...or, the less severe Why-does-nothing-ever-makes-sense-What-on-Earth-was-I-doing-in-class-back-then-
and-how-on-Earth-did-I-manage-to-pass-the-exam? (Of course, for that final question, the most elementary explanation would be: 'Coz they didn't ask you that in the exam. Duh!).

Yes, I am well aware that I am acting OTT but hey, give me some room to let out some of my OCC-ness.

Completed around 80% of the very vigorous spring cleaning on my room, and God! I was surprised to see so much junk lying around. Think of all the poor trees that sacrificed their lives just to become paper, and how did I waste paper? By scribbling incoherent stuff and drawing random caricatures...

One needs to allow one's 'creativity streak' to roam around freely once in awhile, but surely not at the expense of tainting (or, in the case of trees, balding) Mother Nature.

So how do I sum up Y1B4? Loads of emotional roller coaster rides, a little fun here and there (Remember the geriatric seminar? Yup, we pulled it off, thankfully! Cheers, people!), formaline stenches (...cadavers, enough said), etc.

And I'm still me.

Now, the ideal concept of getting through life is to, at the end of the day, emerge as a better person. Have I achieved that? Nope. I still think I'm the old me, with nothing much to be proud of in terms of positive change e.g. perspective in life and all that philosophical stuff (does that mean I'm actually in the wrong course in pursuing a profession? I know at least one person who would say I would be better off as a politician...).

But, maybe, just maybe, at my tender age of 20+, it's still to early to prospect how my life will take its course, say, fifteen years from now (although it's no secret that I hope it'd be somewhere in a certain another Asian country...although maybe Europe won't be too bad, assuming I have some degree of qualifications, credentials and capabilities to secure my spot in either place) since life's surprises catch you at the most unpredictable times.

...End of thoughts of the future. Start present.

Mika-chan...is ailing. I think she's really approaching her time. Mac can't detect her (be it Avicenna or this particular eMac), and for some strange reason, Windows states her properties as 100% used despite the fact that she has zero files stored in her! I got someone to format her a few weeks back, and this is how she turns out?

Somehow, I'm too embarrassed to show up at the IT department, asking them to check up on Mika-chan. Again. They'll label me as the-kid-who's-too-paranoid-over-her-thumbdrive.

Anyhow. I'd best get back to my room. It's nearly afternoon, and I'm still wondering if I should get lunch, just get an afternoon nap, or just...study. Ha ha.

kaeru!

"The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can't learn anything from being perfect" - Adam Osborne

Today I should be on my way home, just so that I can spend the weekend there. Hey, despite my screwing my mini test (not royally, praises be to God for that) but I still can't help feeling rather disappointment.

But I should be rather unaffected by such sentiments. How many times have I encountered disappointment, and how many times I've told myself that if it is for the better future, then I wouldn't mind screwing the present - as long as the damage is not too great, rendering the future nothing more than a faraway dream.

Never mind. There's always another chance for revenge.

Praying to God for a safe journey home. Perhaps there, I'll regain myself - only to lose her again after a while.

Life is a discovery.