Frustration Knows My Name

This has proven to be too much.

I don't know why I'm so stressed out. Still trying to figure out the answer to that, and yet…in the process I unearth so many possible answers that, in the end, results in more depression and stress.

I'm not even sure if I can do this any longer. The dirty works of clerking cases (Answer my simple questions, don't take me round and round…I've no time and no patience), taking blood, filling up stupid notification forms (damn paperworks, I didn't sign up for secretarial work!), and parents who can't leave us alone (for the last time, stop asking me the things that the nurses are in charge of!), re-inserting branulas in kids who are prone to have them dislodged (it's unwise for me to do it in kids in whom I have had bad history/impression) and for God's sake stop crying already!

Difficult parents are another issue…which probably merit an entry of their own. But honestly, come on…if you want first class treatment, go to private!

There has to be a more efficient way to do things. It feels like we've been doing repetitive work, and it's not like re-writing those damn things actually give us better understanding of the patient. I mean, hello? After three, four patients who presented with the same complaints of fever, cough and runny nose…I've given up hope in trying  to remember! And people at the emergency department, please do us a huge favor and stop admitting cases that need no admissions in the first place! Do you know how much work it costs us, and how many discharge summaries are still pending!? And why must tracing lab results be such a hassle?

In any case…sure, it's easy for patients or their relatives to insist on their rights to be seen as "people with feelings". Shouldn't we, medical practitioners, be viewed the same way, seeing that we're also people with feelings? Or can it be said that just because "it's our job", it automatically negates us of our own rights to be respected and some space to actually get our job done?!

In summary, I'm still hating Paediatrics.

I don't know how much longer I can survive this. I mean, Surgical's going to be worse…and what chance do I have, when I can't even keep up right now?

…Or maybe I just hate the hospital. Yeah.

Current Music: Fix You - Coldplay

Compilations #14

1. My limit, before my dreams all come crumbling down, is 3 to 4 days. Which is bad, since previously it took one week for my optimism to run out and leave me in the lurch.
I've got it bad, indeed.
I despise this feeling of dependence.
Somehow it's unfair if I'm the only one suffering here.
Somehow, I'm surprised that I'm still trying to desperately hang on - but on to what? God's Promises and His Justice?

2. Today, during the ward round...

MO 1: Mycoplasma infection can cause hemolytic anaemia, right?
MO 2: Yes, I think so.
Me: *nodding silently in agreement*
MO 1: Why're you shaking your head?
Me: I'm nodding. Yes, it causes hemolytic anaemia.
MO 1: *to other MOs around* This girl is smart. She knows things that I didn't know during my houseman years. *turns back me* What does parvovirus cause?
Me: *suddenly thinking of Slapped Cheek Disease* You mean the infection?
MO 1: No, what anaemia it causes.
Me: Sickle cell disease.
MO 1: …
Me: Ehh, aplastic anaemia!
MO 1: I only knew that when I became an MO! Are you going into Paediatrics later?
Me: No.
MO 1: Good, don't go into Paeds. You're going to make me look bad.
MO 3: If she enters Paeds, I'll be the first one to be kicked out…

Anyway, parvovirus infection can trigger sickle cell crisis, so I wasn't entirely wrong there...
I still think Paediatrics as meh. And I keep on forgetting to bring earplugs just to protect my ears from the children's screaming during bloodtaking...

3. Sometimes we need to remember to be thankful for the things that we already have, instead of chasing those that may or may not be out of our reach, but not necessarily the best for us. God alone Knows.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay

P/s: Blogging about the above conversation is not meant to be a brag...but perhaps to serve as something to boost my mood up in case it goes back to its gloomy shell. Besides...a part of me thinks it would be bragging if I were to put it on my FB wall...Pfft!

Intermission #35

I can't believe that I haven't updated for around two weeks.

Truth be told, I've been trying to make heads or tails of a lot of issues. A whole lot of them, that enumerating them down one by one would take some time. So I had to make do with trying to rein them in my head, but honestly, it hasn't been working well.

I'm done with Orthopaedics, currently am in Paediatrics. Completed 7 days of tagging which, truth be told, gave me little opportunity to actually learn stuff. Maybe that's just me - right after I'm done in the ward, I head home and collapse. I've never been one to actually study in the ward even from my student days - trust me, with crying children and fussy parents/aunts/grandparents/what-have-you, ward rounds three times daily, and colleagues who are prone to crack jokes...any effort of studying is futile.

Even the Net bores me these days. I haven't been following any anime lately, and the only show that I finished was UN-GO (which was awesome, but I digress). Even putting my thoughts into words proved to be no small feat. Whatever scenario I conjured in my mind seemed unfit to be shared to the rest of the virtual world. Any string of words is mercilessly axed before any coherence is met. Any faint image, further blurred.

I frankly am losing control of my thoughts, my imagination, and I'm scared.

I've always been afraid to dream of beautiful, cheerful things.

But there comes a time when dark, haunting nightmares gather around me, and I could only cower, alone, defenseless, and left to my despair.

When that sliver of hope appears, I'm still afraid to reach out for it, no matter how desperate I am.

Maybe it's retribution. Maybe it's His Trial for me. Maybe it's just me.

I'm losing a battle with myself. What now?

Current Music: Kimi ga Matteiru kara - Gackt Camui