Halfway There, Halfway Gone

"We often like to believe what we want to believe, often because the real facts challenge us too much. It is far easier to wallow in our prejudices than to seek out the truth in anything" ~ Marina Mahathir, The Star 30/08/2012.

1. Dear God, I can't believe that I'm already in Year Two of working.

I think of it as a mid-working life crisis. You know that you're long enough into the job that certain things are already second nature to you. You know enough people and are familiar with the procedures to get things done. You've worked long enough that you're already a familiar face to certain staffs.

And yet there are still things that still get to me.

How my stamina doesn't seem to have improved over the past year. How less tolerant I am to people - patients and relatives alike - who are bloody irritating. How pissed off I could get when my work is delayed no thanks to bureaucracy and the higher ups' ego and mood swings.

I like Medical because of the approach. But what I dislike about it is that it strikes me as a behavioural thing and thus, because of human fallacy and habits are just so hard to break, the process is endless.

Admissions are aplenty. Patients smell of cigarette smoke. Patients with psychiatric problems contributing to the chaos in the ward. And damn stupid elastoplasts that don't secure branulas properly should just rot in hell along with all the stupid, temperamental ECG machines.

This hospital is getting more and more idiotic.

2. The human factor in medicine is, as always, a great contributor to this love-hate (mostly hate, to be honest) I share with Medicine as a whole.

That is one reason why I shouldn't be allowed to practise clinical work.

But doing Pathology would mean abandoning the ward procedures, which previously actually took me some time to acquire.

Other specialties that I have considered include Anaesthesiology, Orthopaedics, Surgical and even ENT (I quote an MO of mine: "Easy no tension!").

Some people say I should worry about these options later. I say that I need something to look forward to, to work hard for.

All I know is, I need to get out of this damned hospital.

3. I feel old these few days. Maybe because a great number of fellow HOs in my current department are first posters, therefore are substantially younger (~2 years) than I am. Sometimes people mistook me for an MO - compounded by the fact that I prefer to roam around the ward without my white coat (I blame the global warming!).

A few people I already know are already MOs. I'm feeling some sort of delayed development here on my part.

4. Dang, esok keje lagi...

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Compilations #17

1. Spare me the drama at work, please.

It's amazingly scary what stress can do to you, and what you in turn do unto others. Even I find myself sniping at those I find deserving - especially after I made the initial effort of being extra-civilised and yet received a disappointing response.

Sometimes it's just not worth the extra effort.

I can't afford to play nice all the way - not when people don't seem to appreciate it. Yes, I know it's supposed to be for God and all...but I am just human, liable to emotional breakdowns.

I try not to impart judgment on people...because deep down I realise that I might(?) be doing the same mistake if I were in their shoes.

2. There is a change in how I spend my money these days...and I'm kind of worried.

3. How do you define me? How do you see me in your eyes?

Maybe you don't know me that well. Or maybe I'm just too multi-faceted that you don't get to see a certain side of me that prefers to hide in the darkness, behind a pleasant face.

Or maybe I'm the one that's in error, blind to my own shortcomings.

4. I'm starting to understand - and emulate - my mother's occasional indifference(?) to patients' complaints.

...Good God, I really need to be done with housemanship and just get out of clinical work for good.

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Detrimental

As I go on in this working life, it's inevitable that I get exposed to - and am being forced to reckon with - various human traits that simply defies any simple classification. Mind you, not only from the patients and their relatives, but also from my peers and my superiors (whom I still can't call "Boss"...tsk tsk much?).

One thing that I always try to avoid is talking bad about people. It's not something I like to be done to me, but I suppose nobody can really stop people from talking, yeah? I try to avoid any conflict, and even try to avoid being roped into being a spectator for one. So imagine when someone commented about another's bad attitude/behaviour/etc to me? I just sighed and forced an understanding smile, trying to push out the thought if anyone actually said the same thing about me...and just went ahead with my work.

...Which makes me wonder why people accuse _me_ of being overly negative. Or does the fault lie with me for making myself vulnerable to unfair accusations from people? With all due respect, though, I believe I still have the right to let out some steam whenever I reach the limit. I guess that's why people complain after all? So I too should be able to complain when I absolutely feel like it...

And that pacifist voice in me? The voice is getting slower and slower with each passing day, as my patience grows thinner and my temper fuelling up.

It's ugly. It's ironic, how this supposedly noble profession is very much tainted. It's not all sparkles and glory. I guess whenever people are involved, the equation will always turn out to be more complicated to be understood, to be solved.

When I opt for silence - most of the time probably out of uncertainty on how to response rather than "I shall not dignify your remarks/jokes with an answer" - people say I'm in one of my mood swings. Excuse my saying this, but...what the hell?!

Isn't it ironic if it turns out that my profession of saving lives will be the exact thing that turned out to be, God Forbid, the death of me? I mean, all the stress and negative energy that I've accumulated (ever since med school itself?) must be putting a strain on my body and my general health...

Current Music: Hold Me - Savage Garden

Intermission #21

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for ((Allah)'s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (3:159)
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

1. I like to think that one of my fortes is sarcasm (Not exactly something worth bragging about, I agree...). Maybe it's just my way of letting it out without employing a loud tone of voice, but while I have many opportunities to put this into practice, I rarely do, for fear of:

• sounding like an arrogant know-it-all (...)
• accused of being rude (...some people tend to accuse more easily than the general population...)
• the listener not understanding the sarcasm, which kind of defeats the purpose. Dang.

Or, maybe, it's just my style of humour - which people don't always get, which sort of results in my unwillingness to mix around much. That, and that catering to people exhausts me greatly.
(On a somewhat unrelated note - I'm starting to think that 'humour' as an ego defense mechanism should not be put as a mature defense mechanism. It belittles the gravity of the situation - isn't that akin to denial itself?! And some people push the jokes a bit too far...it starts to get irritating. And offensive.)
Perhaps I should start becoming more silent. That way people may not misunderstand me much, it reduces the risk of inadvertently offending anyone else - and it probably helps in that what I say rarely bears any impact anyhow.
...Thank God for blogs though.

2. "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves" ~ Carl Gustav Jung.

If I appear to be colder and more labile these days, I apologise. It dawned on me that with some people it gets more difficult to tolerate them and their antics...and so I might have accidentally 'displaced' any displeasure I have towards them on some other poor innocent souls.
Or...it could be the stress. Now with regards to the time, one can only say "OMG Final Pro is just next month, OMG!!".

3. Avicenna's keyboard is acting up. The cursor appears in odd places and starts to insert the text I'm typing into other words. What the flipping heck, Apple!
Yeah. Time for a new laptop. A MacBook, no less. Sigh.

4. The manga Meitantei Conan is finally back on track - somewhat. It's about time too! Besides, I need more Okiya!

5. "The world is a crazy place. And sometimes that craziness infects us. Sometimes it makes us a little crazy too" ~ Anonymous (snagged from Tumblr)

I'm the kind who is in tune with my psyche and aims to achieve harmony with my surroundings. But with the...turbulent state of things, I can safely say that it's nigh impossible to achieve this task.
The heart can only take so much before breaking. Maybe because it's never meant to take up too much burden. But with the Internet, with the information overload (useless and useful data notwithstanding), it seems that ignorance is bliss after all, when applied correctly...

Maybe I should move away to someplace else, where people can act more rationally instead of just resorting to the excuse of "other people hexing others using supernatural means"...and the delusion that just because one has Google or the Internet in your laptop/computer/iPhone/PDA/tablet, you're as good as a specialist in that area.

...I wonder if such a place actually exists, or is it just an idealist's unattainable Utopia?

Current Music: Redemption - Gackt Camui

Intermission #20

So tired, that I can't even think of a proper title for this entry. Pfft.

Sleeping schedule is screwed haywire, and my energy is depleting at an alarming rate that by the time the day ends all I want is to return to familiar territory and just let go, even though I know extremely well that time is not exactly on my side...

But I suppose the most important things are that (a) I do enjoy the posting so far, and (b) I'm learning things.

It's good to have achievable goals, at any rate. An idealist still needs to return to Earth and back to reality, after all - lest one develops psychosis upon failure to do so.

At least there are fewer things that bug me for now...at least, in terms of numbers, but definitely not in term of magnitude (zomg-major-exams-soon-omg!!!111).

But people do strange things when they lost control of themselves. Some people ingest things they'll probably regret later on (if they ever regain their senses, that is), other people channel their bad moods into more productive outcomes, while I...I blog, I suppose. It helps me to feel closer to myself, realising that I'm still in touch with me despite my inability to comprehend others. Because I've realised it's futile to expect too much from people - sometimes it suffocates me, other times it leaves me miserable.

I'm over-thinking things again. No wonder I get so tired so easily.

Making sense of things is hard. But trying to respond to things without them being scrutinised and judged...I'd say that is harder. Maybe some things are just not meant to make _any_ sense in the first place...

But what am I supposed to do when I can't even accept them, and yet rejection is akin to rejecting reality itself?

Current Music: Kimi no Kirei ni Kizuiteokure -  Sambomaster

P/s: Desperate people do desperate things at desperate times for desperate reasons. It seems that it's getting more and more difficult to escape the clutches of the Net, what with my perpetual blog-writing and visiting, Tumblr and...a certain other social network site (No, it ain't Facebook - I'm kind of over it by now...).
And it goes on and on and on...

What's the Deal, y'all?

Warning: If you're looking for happy, then I'd advise refraining from reading this entry.

I was once scoffed at for keeping a blog.

Blogs are not, as I was told, the Islamic way of coping with things. There are other more acceptable ways of doing it, and while those were valid points, I was still stubborn with my stand but, being the pacifist that I am, I held my tongue instead of going into full scale debater mode.

Not out of fear of defeat, mind you, but more of tiredness. There are some things that, no matter how true they are to you, or how strong your conviction is, are not worth fighting and ruining relationships for. Thus, the peaceful middle way of agreeing to disagree.

I see blogging as a highly beneficial activity - otherwise I'd have terminated this blog and you, dear reader, would not have regularly updated sites to feed you with depressive thoughts as to how deplorable things are. It is a form of sublimation - which is a mature defense mechanism, whereby one responds to a negative feeling by channeling the negative energies to more productive ends, such as dabbling in writing or other aesthetics. Which would explain why most poets and writers of ye old days were conjuring up depressing poems and stuff that highlighted the forlornness of this transient life, the frailty of the human psyche.

There is some beauty in the broken, but to the one holding the burden...could the same be said?

Besides, blogging saves me the trouble of looking for people to confide in. Because, hey, everyone has his or her own problems, so it's not like they can actually take an extra load of problems, especially those that don't pertain to their daily lives or interests. See it as myself doing others a favour, will you!?

Occasionally I've toyed with the idea of dabbling into literature as a career, but seeing how difficult it is to cater to the public's whim - especially when it's not in tandem with one's own internal whims - I had to decide against it. (Naturally, my parents would never entertain such ambition!) Writing gives me the opportunity to dive deeper and learn more about myself - most of my entries were written freely, with not much planning or editing prior to the publishing. It's surprising how things actually unfold - oftentimes although I begin my entries with despair, the light of hope somehow slips through. The reverse also holds true though...

Compare this to while one is studying the cold hard facts. For example, the lists of clinical features of bronchial asthma. While you may relate the presentation with the pathology behind it, how far do you feel like you're learning more about yourself? Or, even worse - the mechanism of action of a, say, diuretic that acts to promote micturition...does that make you feel closer to your own kidney? Maybe not to yourself per se, but it sure gives some appreciation as to what the drug is doing to your patient, and you then share the joy when said patient's problems are ameliorated. But that's what a healthy human being should be doing, yes? To strive for the betterment of other people? Does this mean sacrificing one's own identity and positive perspective towards life as a whole?

Perhaps my problem is of different nature - the more I dive into the unknown territories within me, the more I seem to lose touch with the outside world, and hence a reduced threshold to accept the absurdities that the world throws at me.

It's derealisation, whereby I feel that I'm separated from the world around me. Like I'm outside looking in, forever not understanding the workings of the human mind other than my own.

So maybe...I am in the wrong course after all. Because my understanding of human beings has started to become so...ugly, that it's significantly different than that of mine ten years ago.

Or maybe the world is just going to the dogs. I mean, it's one of the signs of the end of the world after all...

Perhaps my personality type is at fault. While I started with idealism, it is easily crumbled, shaping into unspoken pessimism. Faith is so precariously fragile, that I become scared. My pacifist nature, people misuse and start to take advantage, almost like bullying me to do things that I'd rather not. It's everyone's responsibility, dangit, so why can't some people just behave accordingly instead of letting your fears take over you and get everyone else in trouble whereas we were initially ready to support you in your undertakings!? Are we not already adults!? How long do you expect to run?

And I know I've mentioned this before, but let me say it again: The maxim about fighting fire with water as the best option? I say this: bollocks.

Apparently it's impossible to knock some sense into some people using common courtesy and positive reinforcement. Childish much? Darn right.

And I'm so utterly, _utterly_ sick and tired of all this inane things that people - myself included - do without fail.

...

Judging by the state of things, I can't say that my future looks well. If things go on like this and I still can't handle things properly, I see only three possibilities:
i) I end up having mood disorders - be it major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder (God Forbid!)
ii) I end up writing poetry that have perpetually sad, depressive tones
iii) both of the above.

...Dear God, no.

Current Music: Kimi no Negai wo - Miyavi

Epiphany

1. Suddenly everything makes sense. I can't exactly explain how, but it does. Every aspect of the issue is explained.
But there is a catch. This is one situation where knowing the problem and identifying the major defect doesn't make the solution any easier.
...I can try one way, but to say if it will work the way I'd like it to...it's difficult to even hazard a guess. Especially when it's beyond my control - like most of the things in the world anyway.

2. Psychiatry posting continues to both intrigue and scare me, and it has only been three days!

3. Psychiatry just gives me a whole new way of interpreting the old maxim of "mind over matter", and not necessary in a positive light.

4. Some things just don't work. Or maybe it's just me, or maybe...there's no way of circumventing it.

5. And so the Internet connection continues to be so pathetic. Seeing it as a sign from God that I need to cut down on my Internet visits - would it be an ego defense mechanism of rationalisation at work, or would it be a delusion of reference?

Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liar

Zetsubou-shita! Part 2

Wherein the real gravity of the situation becomes tangible, weighing me down. And suddenly the anxiety comes to haunt me wherever I go, in whatever I do.

It's not just pertaining to one thing, mind you, but in a lot of matters that I've already lost count and really, at this point, the number doesn't matter anymore!

About Time

We interrupt your usual program to broadcast this obligatory pre-exam panic-infused entry by one final year medical student who really should've got the hang of exams by now but no...things are rarely that simple for her.

Confound it.

It's amazing how the more pressed for time you are, the more unexpected things happen to take exactly that away, and replaces in its void a mix of dread, regret, fear and frustration. At more things than one, which really doesn't really help at all when all I need is some decent perspective, and some serenity.

It's also amazing how everything that one has read before can be easily swept away when one is overwhelmed by...well, anything, I suppose. I can't speak for everyone. Besides, my brain isn't what it used to be. Is this the effect of aging!? Or could it be depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder or just plain bad memory? Or is my heart already too corrupt that it has lost its ability to absorb knowledge?

Revision weeks, how I miss thee.

...Right. Carry on with your business, people.


Current Music: Coming to Terms - Carolina Liar

Limbo of Lingos

I thought I had a firm grasp on reading.

That was before I came face to face with the wall of words, lingos and terminologies that are destined to mess with my head.

Barely five minutes into this thing we're supposed to prepare - a seminar on Journal Presentation - and already my head is reeling like an unending roller coaster ride.

Maybe the main problem is I don't get a single idea of how it's supposed to be, and so the what does not follow. Or maybe it's the other way around - oh God, I have no idea. At all. I'm just overwhelmed by the influx of massive data that my brain wants to hit the 'pause' button - only that it's nowhere to be found.

Should I just let my right brain take over the ride? In that case there's a great danger of this journal literature review turning into a literature review of another sort - in which fiction reigns supreme and my imagination runs wild.

Is it possible to choke from reading too much? I mean, as of now, there are seven tabs on journals that are open. SEVEN! You can't even count that with one hand!

...

I need a break from all this.

Current Music: Say (All I Need) - OneRepublic

It's always the same when the time comes, that we should've known by now

Except that we rarely do. Maybe it's the defense mechanism kicking in - trying to suppress the unpleasant memories of the unpleasant experiences in favour of more joyful ones.

Except that it comes with a price - we fail to learn from our mistakes.

Right. That still doesn't change the fact that we have our exams on Monday, befitting the end of the block.

Dear God. What with the full schedule in the past few days, I had some minor disorientation to time. One time I was quite absent-minded, such as applying shampoo _twice_ instead of the conditioner after the shampoo. Quite a waste of good shampoo too, tsk tsk. Kept on forgetting my car keys, only noticing it after I exited my room. Went to class yesterday without my watch, and I felt lost without it. Oh, and should I even mention the arrhythmia I felt during two of my classes this week?

The stress is making people irritable. God Forbid, it might just be worse when the Final Pro is around the corner...

I still hate Nelson with a passion. I think it's one of those things that makes my interest in Paediatrics impossible to nurture.

...God help us all. Please.


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Typos. Argh.

The Simple(r) Life

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

What if everything that you have ever known or thought that you believed in whole-heartedly - was in fact wrong? Would you say that you were tricked by those delusions? Or would you say that they spawned from ignorance, and now you are freed from those lies - only that you're already leaping across a huge chasm; falling into it means being swallowed alive with no hope raising above and seeing the light, while reaching the other side means facing the great unknown, the indomitable evil within and outside, brutes who are only too eager to bring you down?

Maybe my thinking is a bit too radical, too alien for this part of the world, this community I'm living in. How I came to the realisation that I feel more comfortable working alone compared to dealing with people of all sorts was a shock. I've never thought I'd have this kind of predicament before - whatever happened to the me of yore, who was able to freely achieve things that the current me is still finding the courage to?

And yet when my old friends remarked that I "haven't changed a bit", part of me just wanted to laugh bitterly. Oh, if only they knew...

I missed those days that I did not have to worry about trifles, and how Chance never appeared to me like a looming spectre, eager to grasp me in his claws and tear me apart, and how Uncertainty never laughed at my fumbling in a B-grade sitcom.

If I could go back in time to see the younger version of me, I would engage her in a long, long talk. One that probably would convert her to the current me a bit sooner, but probably would save her the trouble in the long run.

But no! There is no way to turn back the clock. Gone are those days when we could laugh easily and look forward to a brighter, more promising day ahead. In retrospect, those problems that we faced as children were tantamount to nothing - entirely insignificant - to those that we face now. Perhaps the same will ring true when our future self puts our current self in juxtaposition.

It's irreversible. Why is it that we can't seem to learn!?

We only have the Past as our teacher, the Present as our arsenals, and the Future as our spoils of war, a trophy that embodied the blood and tears that we had put into. And we put ourselves - perhaps so much more! - at stake in this great battle.

Ah, the power of belief...so influential, yet so incorrigible.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #10

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress" ~ Bruce Barton

1. Good grief. How I miss the revision weeks we once enjoyed before we became fifth year students...without it, time is speeding beyond the speed of light and I am left scrambled for whatever pieces I could gather.

In O&G, it felt like most of my time was spent trying to look for procedures, waiting for deliveries and timing pregnant ladies' contractions (...). That, and the innumerable nights that I lost sleep, making my biological clock more chaotic than ever. And my brain - my poor brain is starting to rebel against me.

I don't know. That's just how things are. Who am I to say anything else?

2. Sometimes I do wish some people would mind others. We live in a community, don't we? Then, for the love of God, please treat public property like one and stop hogging it like it's personal property. *cringe*

3. No more. If I start rambling further...who knows what my caffeine-deprived, sleepy brain would say next? Perhaps those things I'll forever regret...

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Now playing: Maroon Five - Misery
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #9

Less than half a week more until I step into campus as a fifth year student. And, as my instinct has correctly hinted for the past 2, 3 weeks...Obstetrics & Gynaecology would be one of the earlier postings I've to conquer. Turned out that O&G is the first one that comes my way. Of course, it appears that my attempt at optimism does nothing to quell this state of unrest.

Oh dear.

*Cringe*

Massive writer's block. It's killing the words in my brain and muting my tongue. Maybe it's because of some bad writing that masquerades as literature when it's actually nothing more than a pile of endless drivel that deserves the paper-shredding machine treatment, then thrown into some toxic cesspool far away from human civilisation.

This issue of postings and fifth year stuff needs to be carefully digested before I can get myself back together.

Note to roommate: If you ever, in this academic year, catch me banging my head against a wall or engaging in other acts that endangers my well-being and makes you question the state of my sanity, feel free to intervene for the greater good. Thank you.


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Now playing: Oasis - Falling Down
via FoxyTunes

P/s: I need to find another spot in the Net to hang out in. Lately the issues are about races and stuff, and that doesn't make yours truly one happy camper. Thank God there's still some voice of reason in this world.

Compilations #8

1. The irony. I'm bored but I'm not exactly _ecstatic_ to start my elective posting next week. Perhaps I have been over-indulging that whatever studious mood I once had had been dampened. Not good, not good indeed.

2. I'm getting a bit too paranoid. It's sad that we can no longer perform charity for others without a certain inkling tingling. Like some sort of a radar for frauds or those with ulterior and evil motives. It's sad, because it feels as if we're having bad preconceived ideas as to a person's character - even though s/he is the complete opposite.
Given the kind of world we live in, of course it doesn't hurt to be extra careful. But still! Why must humans sink so low? And since when?

3. I need to stop buying novels. Seriously. I am so disappointed in Dante's Numbers, and Cocaine Blues just reeks of Mary Sue.
Maybe it's a sign that I should instead focus on some academic reading...

4. Note to self: More pain ahead. Get ready with Band-Aids and other therapeutic measures.

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Now playing: Barenaked Ladies - The Big Bang Theory Theme Song
via FoxyTunes

With Eyes Wide Open and Closed Shut

"The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing" ~ Publilius Syrus

1. Tomorrow will be the day for Ophthalmology's OSCE, whose end would effectively signal the beginning of revision week and hence the advent of end of block exam for us in the Specialised posting. Which means the time to leave Fourth Year would be around the corner. Inevitable, surely, but most definitely nigh.
Better start studying for real, then.

2. E-logbook is nearly complete. Fundus book is almost there. Now it just leaves studying, hmm...

3. Because it's exam season, here's a link to a collection of humorous answers students gave in several exam questions. They managed to give me a well-deserving LOL, even when I should be miserable with my own soon-to-come exams...

4. One weakness of mine is that I can't seem to let it go. It's already way back in the past, so why can't I just turn away as if it has never happened? Or, as if it's too insignificant to be brought along to the present much less the future?
I don't like it one bit.

5. ...I think I need a break. I may not deserve one, but at this point, necessity overrules qualification.

6. Some decisions don't have to be done on the spot. Sometimes it's best to wait and see before making the next move...


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Now playing: Savage Garden - I Want You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: In conjunction with Ophthalmology, here's a link listing some hadiths on lacrimation and some, err, secular quotes pertaining to eyes.
It just goes to show that I can look for religious sayings too.

Compilations #7

Uncreative title is uncreative. My mind's a cluttered library, that the best entry I could come up with is no more than numbered paragraphs on different matters.

1. One branch of knowledge that never fails to fascinate me has always been language and etymology. So I was trying to concoct a proper title for my e-logbook when I decided to see what possible words could replace "student"...and I found that the word "student" traces back to Latin's studere, which is related to studium, which means "painstaking application" (Source: Oxford American Dictionary).
What does this mean? That the road a student must tread upon is littered with pain (or sources of them).
Aye. Whoever said life would be easy?

2. The weather has been a bit kinder of late. Thank God. I'm still praying for rain, though...

3. It's true that people can change. But whether it's for the better or for the worse...well, I'd like to know the variables to do the formula.

4. Why do we lament over the things that we do not possess? Is it too difficult to churn out those that we already have the luxury of owning to their fullest potential, putting our utmost faith in God that He Knows when the time is right to bestow us with some of the things that we presently lack?

5. Oh dear. We're already in our tenth week!? So that means we'll just a few months away from fifth year!

6. Do not cross the line. The line is there - whether or not one can see it, it is still there. It may not be humongous in size or brightly fluorescent for one to see with the naked eye, but at least have enough sense - or common courtesy - to not go overboard.
We all have our limits. We try to stretch out the threshold, so for the love of God let's not make each others' tasks more difficult than they already are.

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Now playing: Savage Garden - To The Moon And Back
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Clinic again tomorrow. Oh my God. *headdesk* Still, it's worth noting that perhaps Ophthalmology won't descend to become my least favourite Specialised posting. Or my _least_ favourite posting, for that matter...

Compilations #6

1. With the first week of Ophthalmology in the past, things are heating up. Clinic day on Monday, and already I'm anticipating the worst. Best thing to prevent this would be to prepare myself with facts and knowledge...
Good thing that yesterday's presentations were over with. Now to get down to proper studying...

2. Call me unwise, but I've managed to procure yet another novel - David Hewson's Dante's Numbers - to satisfy my thirst for fiction. At the rate I'm going, I would be able to establish some sort of a library or something...
And The Alienist is beautiful. I'm not even halfway done, but God, it's so worth the money I put into!

3. I do read something else than mystery/murder novels, of course. Motivational books I like as well (Never mind that I was somewhat offended when a salesperson suggested that I checked out another rack of motivational books, but that is irrelevant), although quite few of them are well-written enough for me to appreciate - or for them to give an impact that it'd actually manage to change my life in some way. But I do like Dale Carnegie's works.
In summary of what I've read so far: We worry because we are confused. We are confused because we don't have enough facts. We don't have enough facts because those that we have collected are inadequate, influenced perhaps by emotions and our own biases.
As said by Thomas Edison, "There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the labour of thinking".
And, by Andre Maurois, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us into a rage".

Beautiful, and true.

The lesson? If I want to survive in this challenging world of medicine, for God's sake be objective.

Current Music: So Beautiful - Darren Hayes

P/s: ...Perhaps being busy in Ophthalmology has one advantage. I quote: The worried person must lose himself in action, lest he wither in despair.
Anyhow, here's a link for anyone who's up for online Ophthalmology reading. Or even this, I guess.

P/p/s: If I'm not updating this blog regularly, it's because I'm busy with another pseudoblog, i.e. Ophthalmology's e-logbook.

P/p/p/s: What is this sudden infatuation with Savage Garden!? Not too long ago it was with OneRepublic...Tsk tsk.

Gone

"I am lost without my Boswell" ~ Sherlock Holmes

At one point, it just disappeared.

God Knows how and when. Maybe not when...because I probably would not be so wrong if I were to put the date as around 1.5 years ago, when I took that leap forward into a new stage in this arena of life. In what is progress to others, it may be almost contrary in my own case.

As to the how...maybe I lost it, or maybe it's lost on me...Or maybe it was ripped away from my possession. It's kind of a slow process, nibbling on me little by little without even a sound to call attention upon its mischievous but all too devastating criminal activities...And I only started to be cognisant of the after-effects when the damage was overwhelmingly massive, that any hope of repair and thus return to the pre-morbid state is only a dream that is too difficult even to pursue.

It is beyond my recognition, much less my acceptance.

I had not the faintest idea that it would come to this. Like a nightmare that came true, except that the nightmare was actually forgotten prior to this.

This noxious bitterness, this repulsive amorality, this suicidal pessimism.

I rarely lose things, despite my lamentable (to some) habits. Yet the very things that I yearn to leave behind refuse to let go of me, to set me free from their evil clutches.

But one thing is for sure: I need to reclaim the things that I have lost, and time has not been kind to me.

While I wander aimlessly in the pitch darkness, time flies full speed ahead.

Tempus fugit.

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Now playing: L'Arc~en~Ciel - Kaze ni Kienai de
via FoxyTunes

*insert incoherent sounds here*

1. My seminar is totally screwing me up in more ways than one. Don't disturb me in my sleep, I beg of thee!

2. Sometimes, one has to know when to stop after saying something wrong. The probability that the next words would only worsen the situation is close to 100% - especially if one is not known for waddling his or her way out in the past.

3. Just zip it. It's as simple as that.

4. If I'm not making any sense, then blame it on this seminar. And that I'm still wide awake even at 1.48am because it's the _only_ time the Internet is accessible owing to reduced traffic. Argh. *headdesk*

5. ...Methinks I'm going to miss Dermatology when it ends.

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Now playing: Owl City - Fireflies
via FoxyTunes