The nth Wake-Up Call

Summarising how I've been feeling lately: An absolute wreck.

Because, as cliched as it sounds, my race tends to forget, as do I.

It's nothing new, really, so there's not much fuss that people usually make. I mean, lecturers pointing out to students how seriously lacking they are in knowledge happens regularly, and being positive about it all means that we are to take it as a challenge, as a stepping stone towards self-improvement.

Last week - or was it the week before? - we had two classes on two consecutive days with Mr. Kyaw. Despite the apparent laughter that graced the sessions, we should have known that we were in deep trouble. I mean, hey, breast malignancy and menstrual cycle and anatomy of the axillae are all related, yes? On the next day, we were taken for a short case - neurology, his forte, his "territory" as he put it. Then he started asking about sinuses and layers of the epidermis and...well, we were pwned, and I was left wondering whether I had some sort of Alzheimer's that made me go selectively demented in forgetting only those related to Medicine.

Yesterday we had another session with Mr. Prabhu. He started with how we must not compare our achievements among ourselves - but to look at other medical schools. Imminent globalisation sets the stage for "survival of the fittest", where incompetent doctors might be (like in a reality show) eliminated to make way for the more capable.

What made me go weak was when he said, "Out of ten of you, one will stop doing medicine completely. Only three will become specialists...These days, becoming a mere GP might not be enough."

And about medicine, "You must know everything about anything"; Anything here refers to everything under the sun...This was when he was talking about the definition of gaiter and cavalry. Oh, and when he said to me "You look disappointed" and to the rest, "Don't be so disappointed" when we failed to elaborate on venous ulcers and varicose veins, that almost ripped my conscience to shreds. Because I know that he cared - he was ecstatic about teaching us, and yet it was us who had disappointed him.

I saw him this afternoon, smiled at him and he responded by raising his hand...and yesterday's drama unfolded in my mind, making me feel bad again.

Yesterday afternoon, it was Mr. Zailani's turn. He practically grilled us - saying that we did not know the basics. And how we must not say things that we know nothing of. He also later on said "Don't be depressed. Take it as a challenge" ...but the fact that we had two episodes of wake-up calls on the same day was too much - an overdose - for my psyche.

This morning we heard Mr. Shapiee...who said that by doing things without prior thinking is akin to being kufur to the gift of the 'aql. There was something in his eyes that made me feel awfully miserable.

I had barely recovered from yesterday, and receiving a third dose this morning was practically toxic to me. If I had gotten a fourth, I would probably have jumped off a building or something...

It was time, anyway. Time to be awakened, for the bitter truth to be shoved down our throats...

...that reality bites. Hard.

Current Music: Sakihokoru Hana no You ni ~Neo Visualizm~ - Miyavi

Here and There

Am presently home. Am not looking forward to going to campus tomorrow evening. Who actually does, anyway? The weekend feels too short, shorter than usual...

...Shall I say that I need to come home a bit more often? A change of air is always good. Just what a doctor would order, yes? Tsk.

Have been having tonsillopharyngitis more often lately. Shall I blame it on pollution? Or on global warming? (Due to some odd pathophysiologic response, I would sneeze more in hot environments compared to cold ones...) But announcing this little fact out loud may be unwise...With the H1N1 out wrecking havoc around, some people who I am not too keen to meet might be out to get me as well, to lock me up in isolation in the name of quarantine...Heaven forbid.
Sigh. Feeling under the weather when I'm supposed to be savouring my time at home really takes the cake.

Internet connection at home is giving me headaches.

...It's hard to believe that next week is my seventh week in Surgical posting, and yet it doesn't feel like I've learnt much. Don't get me wrong - I do like surgery although the uni's OT get-up is seriously giving "tasteless, hideously ugly" a whole new meaning but less stress and less stringent rulings upon us poor souls would be really cool and helpful.

...The sufferings are different from what Paediatrics had offered me back then. Oh heck, all four postings have different sets of sufferings in store...

Nonetheless, there's no other way to go other than forward.

Current Music: Kekkonshiki no Uta - Miyavi

停止

Yui says "Halt, in the name of all that is Holy!"

In life, you just have to know when to stop.

Time goes on, and as do you, with your daily undertakings. The problem arises when the two are not in tandem with each other. That is, you fall behind Time because of any delay of some sort, be it procrastination, slowness, attention deficit disorder, or a combination of them.

They say one thing leads to another.

Why is it that my search - or rather, practically every single thing I do lately - only managed to haul me further away from what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be?

Guilt alone is powerless to put an end to all this nonsense. Because the 'dot' that is representing the 'full stop' is too small, that the most it could ever achieve is probably cause me to stumble a bit...but my misguided disobedience will quickly catch my step, and I continue forward, straying away from my greater goals as if nothing had happened...

...Forward, walking deeper into that sinful realm of shallow and temporary fulfillment. Shallow, but still capable of drowning those who allow themselves to be taken in without struggle.

The point of no return is nigh.

Ambition,
Thy flame hast dimmed, and I am without lustre,
no light, no direction, no vigour,
Return my being to where I once stood
before the currents had swept me aside,
before everything else slips out of reach,
before Regret takes me over.

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2009

Current Music: Under the Darkness - Kamui Gakupo, Kaito & Kagamine Len

Random Updates #1

It's obvious from all the recent #'s that I'm starting to get lazy to come up with creative and perhaps more accurate titles for my entries, but my thoughts nowadays are voluble, leaning more to the content than the heading.

Besides, given the correct settings, some may agree that I am by no means one of few words. As my train of thoughts rarely stop at the proper stations given the overwhelming gush of my standpoint concerning my everyday scenario, it leaves little time for me to carefully re-analyse them, what more to summarize when it obviously is impossible to.

Is it any wonder that I always have troubles summarizing my case presentations, that whatever I blurted out as a summary, it came out sounding more like a synopsis?

Anyway. After a brief research made possible because my case write up is finally completed on anime offerings for Summer 2009 which stretches from June to August, here is my first draft on what caught my interest:
1. APH Season 2 - Because season one is pure win, and I need more Arthur Kirkland. Make the episodes longer, please~!
2. Umineko no Naku Koro ni - People getting mysteriously murdered. Yesh! Although...what is up with the title? When the Seagulls Cry? EH?!
3. Zan Sayonara Zetsubo Sensei - Pessimists unite!

So, yeah. That should be enough.

By the way, why would anyone bother making an anime version of Winter Sonata??

Current Music: Taking Back My Love - Enrique Eglesias feat. Ciara

Compilations #1

First off, the obligatory warning that what will follow may not be pretty.

Being in this course has given me a lot of chance to observe people, at their worst and at best. The list may be short, but rest assured that it is by no means exhaustive because my personal views can be dynamic, as new developments set in and new conclusions are drawn.
Secondly, I am absolutely not going to point fingers at anybody in particular. These are over-generalised statements that may not apply to some.
Thirdly, I pray that I will be proven wrong. A pessimist's not too keen to see humanity eroded to a point of no return, despite it all.
Here we go. Brace yourselves, or escape now while there's still time!

1. Doctors - more specifically, housemen - are not as grand as we once thought. They work like crazy, exposing themselves to various health threats from the risk of needle-pricks to tuberculosis, and still the public demands too much.

2. Some people have this amazing ability to spot others' mistakes and condemn them only too easily. Superiority complex, ka? Delusional, ka?

3. Never expect to be repaid by kindness. Do it for Him, not for anyone else.

4. Manners are close to extinction. I've always wondered why the government had to promote something that sounded like "Budi bahasa budaya kita" ("Good manners are our way"...or something) in the first place. Aye, it's that bad.

5. The "Malaysia Boleh!" spirit is wrongly used.

6. We are drawn to nice people, so why can't we act nicely as well? Screw vanity.

7. Some people despise to be wrong, even if they are. As such, don't bother correcting them. Let them drown in their ignorance for their refusal to see the light. As the saying goes, "biarkan Si Luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya".

8. Not everything about the Eastern culture is good, period. Likewise, not everything that originated from the West is bad.

9. There's always something to learn from everyone. Follow the good ones for they serve as examples, while from the bad, avoid repeating them. At least you're well aware of the negative sentiments that can erupt from the feeling of being treated like an insignificant part of the world.

10. Sometimes, don't expect people to do great things when they ignore the little things. My personal opinion that I derived from years of observation: What is so difficult in trying to hold the elevator doors open while other people enter or exit? Is it so amusing to see people getting sandwiched between the elevator doors?

I do hope there will be no continuation to this.

My apologies once more, and I hope that the above doesn't degrade my reputation in thy eyes in any way possible.

Current Music: Owakare no Uta - SID

Of Ships and Seas

Sometimes you just have to assume command of your life, because you're the navigator and that steering wheel has your name inscribed on it.

If one were to ask me how I view life in general, I'd say that it resembles more of the open sea than the typical road that we are used to. Remember Robert Frost's The Road not Taken?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

So why would I go for the "life is an open sea" concept?

Partly because the vast ocean holds more mysteries than an open road, and certainly deeper and more frightening.

Rightfully, you're in charge of where the ship is to go. And because the sea is wide open, your options are aplenty depending on your own potential and the own limitations that you have set for yourself.

Turning back to return to dry land is not really possible, because while you were away, things on land have changed by the virtue of time.

The strength of your ship is determined by the strength of your own person as a whole. There'll be the forces of nature to reckon with, and if you're unlucky, you'll meet a bunch of pirates who're only too keen to loot and damage you, leaving you helpless and miserable.

Screwing up means that your vessel is doomed, as undignified as the once-majestic Titanic that succumbed to an iceberg because of that thing we call "Pride". Sinking into the bottomless sea is the only way to go if you're too far from the shores, with no rescue team out to save you.

You're chained to that ship you're commandeering. No matter how many people you have onboard, those that claim to be with you through thick and thin, ultimately, there'll be enough lifeboats for everyone else but you. Because you're bonded to that ship, if it goes down, it takes you with it.

Eventually, it doesn't really matter if you know how to swim either.

Current Music: Garnet Moon - Shimatani Hitomi