Intermission #36

1. Kudos, Sir, for making me all jittery when all I want to do is be still.

I applaud you, Sir, for single-handedly inspiring my muses one moment and then killing the poetry that they wove in the next.

Lastly, I congratulate you for giving me a light of hope, however small it may be, and more reasons to smile and, ironically, torture myself - all at once.

2. Please, Dear God, let me finish Paediatrics soon.

3. Maybe I should just go back this weekend. On Friday, right after work, even just for one night.

Current Music: Always Be There - Maher Zain

And Now, For Something Relatively New

1. ...On second thought, maybe it ain't all new.

I'll be frank. At work, last week was bad on so many levels. I realise that I'm just not cut out for neonatal resuscitation stuff, and couple that with loads of cases, I'd say that it was hell to go through. Yes, including the fact that on the night prior to said resus I would be having nightmares. Nightmares, I tell you!

So yeah, I'm not into emergency stuff. It's not good for my poor little heart.

This week has been a breath of fresh air. Yeah, so I got stuck with being the Head of the shift for several times, but hey, anything is better than being the one in charge of Resus. There were a couple of dramas ("Why did you guys steal one of our p.m. people!? You guys have enough people already!" or "Why the heck am I Head again suddenly? Why me!?" or "Dude, why do we have so many premature babies and twins? What the heck is O&G doing? What the heck have the Melaka people been doing!?") and stuff, but...well, at least I'm still alive and kicking. And vigorous with good respiratory effort and muscle tone and...uhhh, yeah.

Last week I was in pieces. This week...somehow, I recovered. The trip back home last weekend helped greatly...and then some.

2. ...I am already defeated, but if it means eventually winning a bigger game, then it's fine with me. More than fine, in fact.

But only if I'm not going down alone.

3. Fact: I hate working in the nursery during weekends. For so many reasons that I don't bother making a list anymore.

4. Off day tomorrow, yay! Maybe it's high time to spring clean my room...and shop for a pair of shoes. Again.

Current Music: Without You - David Guetta featuring Usher

P/s: Karniza, dude, terharu to see the pics in your blog entry! Missing you guys and the good ol' university days already...

Kotoba

Words are powerful.

Could this little fact, perhaps, be the reason why I immerse myself in linguistics and writing?

They say rumour spreads faster than a bushfire (...or something to that effect?). But what, pray tell, are words when they may not even represent the situation?

Maybe people see what I fail - or deny myself - to see.

Maybe people just jump too easily to conclusions.

Or maybe the simple fact remains: people just love to talk about people, whatever the topic may be.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

People Will Be People

1. After a certain point, one just couldn't give a damn as to what people think of oneself anymore.

I'll be frank here: ever since I entered nursery it feels as if my semi-depression has worsened. As such, there is a desperate need to actually run away from all the absurdities and hectic schedule by going back home.

Yes, my threshold for homesickness is reduced to two weeks. Previously during Ortho I could go up to three weeks.

Even a few MOs noted this change - which probably isn't saying much considering I'm more or less like an open book. You can tell that something is wrong...but even so some people misunderstood it.

So if I can't even hold a 'neutral' expression, what, pray tell, do you expect of me?

And so, whatever. Think what you want - all I know is that I'm not causing anybody trouble, and only He knows of my misery.

2. Two of those rare moments that I appreciated a baby in the nursery:

i) "Oh my God, so cute! Can I take him home and not return him to his mother?"

Colleague #1: "Can you put him down? I want to examine him..."

"You're just trying to pry him away from me..."

Colleague #1: "Okay, fine, then you examine him la..."

"On examination, baby is cute. Unable to proceed further."

ii) Still with the same baby,

Nurse: "Dr, dah habis ke belum? Saya nak pulangkan 'kat mak dia..."

"Kak, saya tak nak pulangkan, boleh tak? Comel sangat!"

"Boleh. Dr je la yang bawa balik, bagi dia susu..."

"Erkk, saya takde susu. Saya bagi Nescafe boleh tak?"

"Macam tu tak tidur la budak ni..."

3. I curse awfully a lot these days. The amount of curses that came out from my mouth in a day is more than a whole Ortho posting put together.

...Not exactly something to be proud of, I take it?


Current Music: Who Says - Selena Gomez

Nil

I have nothing to say.

Words fail me when things are swiveling away out of my grasp, just as reality seems so threatening that my imagination is on the verge of rejecting it in favour of an idealistic, rose-tainted world. When the surrounding entropy is too much even for me to handle. When I'm surrounded by morons who refuse to see reason, and refuse any cooperation just so we can increase our efficiency.

This is one of those times that I feel utterly embarrassed for my race.

A friend of mine would counter all my negative thoughts, insisting that I have what he called a "positive charisma" - whatever that is supposed to mean.

I still have yet to learn, that this fleeting world is insignificant, immaterial compared to the everlasting life in the Hereafter. This world is too trivial to be wasted by being in constant sadness.

...What does it say of me, as a Believer?

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People

Tough

They say tough times don't last, but tough people do.

I say, life gets tougher because it assumes you do too.

What do you do when everything falls apart, and you know that you're next in the line of fire?

What do you do when you know everything out there is screwing you up - some slowly and bit by bit, while others just knock you down even when your hands are up in the air in surrender - but you're just too powerless, too insignificant to actually bring about any wind of change?

What do you do when you can see how things are just so very wrong, but you cannot help but be enslaved by it because that's how just the effing system is and how some aspects in your environment is just so uncivilised that you start to lose hope in humanity itself?

What do you do when you're just so bloody tired of all this nonsense and you feel the urge to just scream out and somehow outdo all the babies' cries?

Would you run, even just for a little while, to escape all the stupidity that seems too eager to consume you in its tide?

I have lost my compassion...and I know it'll be tough regaining it.

I bloody hate the hospital.

"Then don't feel, just do!"

So I was told. But it just robs me of whatever joy I had left. Like a low-paid worker who does the same darn thing over and over again, with little to no room to improve him or herself.

And suppressing all this negative energy? It only delays the pain, as the comeback shows that it is capable of becoming even badder and more intimidating...and more crippling.

What is left to feel when you're too scared to feel joy and happiness, but too scared to feel pain and sorrow?

What do you do when your anger is so close to exploding, and yet there is no safe outlet anywhere?

What do you say when you have nobody to listen to your wails and bitter cries?

What do you do when you know the only thing you can do is to withdraw from people, and yet you're scared to be left alone with nothing but your gloomy and fearful thoughts?

What do you think about when your own thread of thoughts are full of disjointed things, as if there is a checkpoint in your head somewhere - perhaps your last glimmer of sanity? - that acts to cease those horrible monsters residing in your head before they take over and shut you down?

Monsters in my head. They're like parasites that suck whatever is left of me, and I am too weak to put up a fight.

What do you do when you look up to the Heavens and pray hard, but words just failed you and you just freeze there, knowing that despite the incoherence that punctuates your speech, God Knows what is it that you yearn to tell Him?
And so, these tears. And yet, with their release, my pain is not decreasing in the least.

I ask thee - what do you do when you have too many questions but the answers are nowhere in sight?

Rhetorical questions can be hard to answer, are they not?

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People