Smoky Grey

I have other obligations to see to, but this entry insists that I get down to it before I attend to other more pressing matters.

Things were relatively simple in the old days. We only had a problem of quantity - namely, the amount of information that we get. Now? It's not so much on the amount - unless some narrow-minded imbeciles decide that excessive-but-badly-misplaced censoring, restricted-and/or-fabricated-journalism *cough*mainstreammedia*cough*, and highly offensive blogs are the keys to successful rule and maintaining influence - but it's the quality that we should worry about.

Academically speaking, there're textbooks and journals and other literature. Some people frown upon simple search engines or online encyclopedia e.g. Wikipedia, eMedicine, and even Google (not Google Scholar, mind you). And that's just the serious issues.

Of course there are the unnecessary piece of information that we possibly could do without. The problem is to some, these information are their bread and butter, their daily requirement.

Now's not a problem of lack of information. Rather, it's the over-abundant and ambiguous information. If people in the past used to have to travel far and wide to seek for a teacher, now we're stuck having to confirm every bits and pieces of whatever data we have managed to procure so far before we can say anything.

One good thing about the Net is that everyone can contribute. The downside? Everyone can contribute whatever rubbish they have to say, if they feel like it.

And don't even get me started with the newspapers. I'm starting to think that the only worthwhile page in the paper would be the comics section.

I once advised a patient not to read the newspapers. Reason? She was hypertensive and I said (joked?) that reading tragic and gruesome news wouldn't exactly be safe for the heart. But yeah, we must know about other occurrences elsewhere - if only to realise that the world today is not as safe as we'd like to think.

Anyhow, the idea is this - the world, through my eyes, has never been more grey. I can't see the demarcation, and I only find out that I've transgressed the limits that the general public had dictated only after the act.

To some, reasons sound like excuses. Humility like stupidity, and over-confidence as an over-inflated ego.

We believe what we want to believe, most of the time. Blinded by prejudice won't really help improve things.

I want to believe that there is light at the end of this long, shadowy tunnel...but my torchlight's running out of battery and my limbs out of energy. The mind has started to take over, materialising evil trolls that appear to multiply in number.

I do wish I have a bazooka to shoot down all the stigma though. Only, I might end up blowing other things as well - like the foundation of the tunnel, which in the end would only bury me in too deep...

...where there will be no air, no light.

...No salvation.


Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liars

Painfully Honest

So tired. Is this what 'burnout' feels like?

Things could be worse, though. I see the present as an exercise, a preparation for a potentially worse(?) future.

I asked myself a question once. A question that stemmed out of all the frustration that had been caged in me, the million dollar (possibly more) question that I fearfully realised that I had no answer to.

"Are you really happy?"

I stunned myself silence for several minutes, and then I was almost aware of the gush of blood that rushed through my cerebral circulation in an attempt for an honest response. Palpitations shook my heart against the ribs, and it felt as if I was given into tremors. The only sound I heard then was the sound of the fan above me, all noise but not as much efficient as I would like it to be.

Truth is unbearably bitter.

Then it dawned on me, as slowly as the rising sun but by no means as magnificent or illuminating: "Either way, you won't be happy. There'll always be something."

But Reason - wherever it exists within my person - was in time to reach out to me with a retort: "You're happiest as you are right now. Maybe not in the way it is normally believed what 'happiness' represents to the general population, but there is certainly no reason to believe that He has forsaken you."

Because some bits of my past are a testament to that - that God Works in miraculous ways; ways that one could never have imagined.

Perhaps happiness is when one doesn't compromise temporary joys to those that really, really matter. Saying things like "in the end, it doesn't really matter" really strains one own person in many different ways.

One thing is for sure: Resentment is like a cancer. It eats you up and leaves you worse for wear.

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Intermission #12

This is getting way out of hand. I left for just over two weeks, only to come back and discover that they have taken over my domain!?

It would explain the allergic reaction.

This is unacceptable.

This means war, and I'm taking no prisoners.

...Why, oh WHY is our room suddenly being _dangerously_ infested with ants!?


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Made For You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Apparently ants are not so choosy nowadays, are they? That was my dinner that they conquered! *headdesk*

(No) Boundaries

"Responsibility is the price of greatness" ~ Winston Churchill

Perhaps you'd agree with me if I say that childhood ends when life ceases to appear as straightforward. Teenage years commence when one tends to exaggerate the level of such entanglements - "Nobody understands me! Screw you, world!" or "Look at me, the rebel without a cause!" - oftentimes due to seeing oneself as more adult than one truly is; some sort of an identity crisis, being caught between two phases.

As for adulthood, that's when you surrender to the fact that no, the world wouldn't stop being so difficult just because you told her to...and so you resolve to make the most out of it - press on despite the raging currents, rise above even when everything seems to bring you down.

Because our survival instincts know that we essentially don't have any other choice.

But we sometimes stop and wonder - "What if everything I've done so far was a mistake?"

Am I just complicating things, by questioning the validity of the status quo?

Some things in life need to be changed by one’s own hands. Others need to be accepted and tolerated as they are, and the remaining deserves no attention whatsoever.

Some things need to be done, others are optional, and the rest…they don’t matter, whatever their outcome may be.

Sometimes the demarcation is easy, other times difficult. But perhaps, the only thing more difficult than the latter is the initiative to truly act as what is needed of you. Treating unimportant matters as important, and vice versa, is akin to putting things not in their proper place. Yes, it is injustice.

Easier said than done, I confess.

We will falter at times, when the situation is most dire, or when we are simply exhausted beyond imagination. It is then that we just have to remember – there are always prayers, and there will always be Him, Who would Listen in His Own Way…even when the rest of the world turns a deaf ear and walks out on you.

Source

Current Music: Signal (Acoustic Version) - Kelun

Intermission #11

I scrutinize this blog's tag list and I am torn between laughing bitterly and heavy sighing. While it is by no means surprising, it is a cause of concern that does need rectifying.

Going by the frequency, the highest number of entries are those that revolve around med-life, people and anguish. Yes, this little corner in the www might just be a little too pessimistic for its own good.

That is not to say that I'm a full-blown pessimist bordering on suicidal thoughts (despite my frequent talks about jumping off buildings - God forgive me) and more-than-occasional anhedonia. But with negative feelings, there is a greater need to analyse and allow it to unfold - hence the blog entries.

The response to joy is easier - extend one's gratitude to God, don't let it get to your head, and carry on. There is less need to ruminate over it, with less drama involved.

There isn't much else to say. My hobbies are few. I'm losing interest in anime, and it's getting difficult trying to keep abreast with recent updates on my J-music fix. Books I rarely purchase these days - one reason is the sheer price and another is the need to focus on academic reading - so I mostly read online stuff. Politics has to be avoided - there's too much idiocy going on and it's no use getting so emotionally worked up over them. Wouldn't want to toe over the line of sensitive issues, would we? And I tell you there's a lot of that contributing to my brain activity...more than what should be permitted for normal functioning level.

I'm honestly running out of things to write about. Would it spell the end of my writing?

...Yeah, right. There'll always be something; Something...

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Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes