Countdown to Horror #1

It's not too far from the truth if I were to say that this entry shall be an extension of some sort to the previous babble entry.

This is where my rant shall begin. Those who have no confidence to sit and read it through is advised to take cover, or more wisely, seek for an escape route. Remember, your decision right now may affect you for a some time down the road.

Staying? Then brace yourself for utter boredom what is coming next: My continuation of rants pertaining to my Surgical posting.

Am presently trying to transfer my first drafts of clerking sheets into the Proper!Clerking book. And then I was made to admit to myself the cold hard facts: that the history that I took was by no means top-notch. Some questions were not put forward at the time, and even those that were answered were seriously lacking.

If it wasn't because I just took note that the lecturer who goes around checking clerking books will be taking my group for a class this Monday itself, I would have put off updating the book.

I just hope something bad is not waiting for us - me and my pitiful book - when the fateful day comes along and imposes on us. My paranoia is going totally out of control now, and what I need now is focus!

Lesson to self: Forget about first and even second drafts next time.

Yay for short entry. Now I shall return to my confounded clerking sheets...

Current Music: The Delicious☆Tomato Song - Namikawa Daisuke<--Yesh, the song doesn't make sense...at least it lifts up my mood, even just a little bit. P/s: CHIGIIII~!!!!11

I have erred.

I was never renowned for my decision-making skills. That's what I get for being too emotionally instinctively driven. So much for "not wanting my brains to rust before the start of what would potentially be the ultimate horror of my third year in medical school". Pooh-pooh.

Why, oh why, did the reason in me made me choose to go back to campus today instead of tomorrow? I was suffering in this massive heat, drenched in what could be buckets of perspiration, even when I wasn't doing anything that could remotely constitute as an exercise!

Global warming is evil.

Is it okay if I laze off tonight and just start getting serious tomorrow...or the day after?

Yes, one of the codes (they called it "Rules of Thumb") that I was made to memorise in Form 3 (in verbatim, "Procrastination is the thief of time") is back to haunt me, but what good is it when one is not at one's optimal potential to function, to work?

My centre of decision-making then came up with a verdict of its own: Fine, do whatever you feel like doing.

So I'll wait. But for how long? How much time do I have until Impatience and Reality start to reel me in to knock some sense into me to get the idea that I need to move on into my thick head and stubborn cardium?

Should I still wait for a feeble ember of hope of it ever returning, after what I aimed for had deserted me?

Current Music: Before the Worst - The Script

締切の前に

On Friday we had an Islamic Input session entitled "Aging". While most of the content escaped me, I did remember vaguely those that arrested my attention, even if it was just momentary.

1. At age 40, our nervous system matures.

This simple statement was then followed by "So if we want to learn new skills, we'd better do so before we turn 40". Yes, so maturing means that it's at its peak and therefore is unable to equip new skills as easily as before.

When I heard and realized that this fact has hit me squarely in the face, my mind was immediately flooded with those ambitions that I had hoped to fulfill one day. Turns out that I don't have much time before the deadline, considering that the list is endless. Yes, such is human ambition, unlimited while being ignorant to human limitations.

Seeing from another point of view, this basically puts the signboard that says "Time is Running Out" in spotlights topped with neon flashlights. Will they be enough to keep my head in the game?

Indulging in my little enjoyments that I call hobby come at a price, because I always find myself drowning too far down, that it takes a lot of effort to resurface and leave my comfort zone to march to the battlefield.

2. Our negative behaviours become emphasized at old age.

So I'd better get rid of the qualities that I'd rather not keep. The last thing I want is to become widely known as an old grouch who complains incessantly like a broken record.

3. Don't become demented when you grow old.

Trust me, nobody in their right mind would want to undergo that.
It's bad enough that you lose your physical strength. Having retained some intellectual capabilities and acumen should be nice things to fall back to. Wouldn't want to be reduced to a mere burden after a life of independence and splendor, would we? Of course, life has its ups-and-downs, but the way to do it is to delay the irreversible process of descent...before Death comes a'knockin' when it is time.

Current Music: Uso - SID

P/s: The song is the first ending of Full Metal Alchemist : Brotherhood. While I do consider myself a SID fan occasionally (Monokuro no Kisu from Kuroshitsuji is another noteworthy piece), I am not amused to see that the vocalist was rather lip-syncing in the promotional video.
Translations by csakuras.

Uso

ano hi mita sora
akane iro na sora wo
nee kimi wa oboete imasuka
yakusoku chigiri
shoka no kaze ga tsutsumu
futari yorisotta

muri na egao no ura
nobita kage wo kakumau
dakara kizukanu furi
saisei wo erabu

table no ue no
furuenai shirase
machitsuzukete
kuuhaku no yoru mo
kuru hazu no nai asa mo
zenbu wakattetanda

ano hi mita sora
akane iro na sora wo
nee kimi wa wasureta no deshou
yakusoku chigiri
shoka no kaze ni kieta
futari modorenai

oto mo iro mo ondo mo
hanbun ni natta kono heya
kyou mo chirakashite wa
yure tsukare nemuru

jouzu ni damashite ne
uso wa kirai de suki
kimi no kotoba
imagoro ni natte
kimochi wa itai hodo
dakara bokura sayonara

itsuka mata ne to
te wo furiatta kedo
mou au koto wa nai no deshou
saigo no uso wa
yasashii uso deshita
wasurenai

ano hi mita sora
akane iro na sora wo
nee itsuka omoidasu deshou
hatasenakatta yakusoku wo idaite
futari arukidasu


English Translation: Lie

The sky we saw that day
the dark red sky
Hey, do you remember it?
Pledging a promise
The early summer breeze wrapping around us
We stand close together

Behind forced smiles
we hide a stretching shadow
That's why, while pretending obliviousness
we choose rebirth

Waiting for
the unshakeable news
on the table top
Both empty nights
and mornings that should not arrive
We understood it all

The sky we saw that day
that dark red sky
Hey, haven't you forgotten it?
Pledging a promise
Disappearing into the early summer breeze
We cannot return

Sound and color and temperature
have been cut in halves in this room
Cluttering it again today
Trembling, tiring, and going to sleep

Deceive us well
We hate and love lies
Your words
Now that it's this time
these feelings are painful
That's why we say goodbye

We waved our hands
saying see you again someday
But we will probably never meet again
The last lie
was a tender lie
We'll never forget

The sky we saw that day
that dark red sky
Hey, you'll remember it someday
Embracing the promise we couldn't fulfill
We start walking.

Glimpsing What is Yet to Come

They say the future is unknown, and is better left that way.

My wheels of thought were set in motion when a patient complained to me how a new H.O. did not manage to set in a branula for her, and I refrained myself from admitting that I myself have failed several times (countless, in the case of venepuncture, before my so-called curse was lifted...), for the sake of my own reputation. I felt sorry for both parties - the patient and the doctor - but what was I to do? Sure, we learn from mistakes, yet contrariwise, it's not right to have patients endure sufferings as a result of being unwilling guinea pigs.

Frankly, I don't feel much to be proud of when I don the white coat, perhaps overwhelmed by a sense of a humungous responsibility on my frail shoulders. Worse, I encounter a sense of panic when student nurses, patients - and even some of the nurses themselves - refer to me as "Doctor".

Sure, one may say it's a form of prayer...But I just felt uneasy. Like a bitter taste in my mouth, a heavy weight on my chest.

Dr. Azam from O&G once said that the only good feeling one gets when one enters medicine as a full-pledged doctor is from knowing that one has made his/her parents proud of her. How true; I remember how my mother's tone was laced with an unmistakable, although tiny, hint of pride when she introduced me as a medical student to her friends. Whereas I would, in fact, feel embarrassed when people ask me about what I study.

There is no denying that during housemanship, one is in for what could be the closest thing to hell on Earth.

As Henry Rollins put it so aptly, "Life will not break your heart. It'll crush it."

So yes, I do feel painful pangs of guilt and horror when I see H.O.s running around, deprived of sleep and time for themselves, and yet still getting berated. Such energy, such dedication, such perseverance!

It doesn't take clairvoyance to tell how my life is going to be in a few years, whether it's about housemanship or final pro, and if I'll manage to finish medical school without any hiccup. Will being intellectually prepared be enough to reduce some of the burden?

Mental preparation and physical strength are high in the to-have list as well.

Current Music: The Delicious☆Tomato Song - Namikawa Daisuke

P/s: And, true to my nature as an impulsive decision-maker, I decided just this morning that I'd rather spend this weekend at home. Will be driving back tomorrow afternoon. Godspeed.

P/p/s: BUONO~!!!!11

惡

This entry can't be too long, because I seriously need to curb my unhealthy addiction to the Net.

I had to present a case this morning to Mr. P. Let's just say that it went well; better than I had expected, although I probably did not do as good as I had hoped to. What I'd like to highlight here is how he said that the teaching environment in the ward is "a necessary evil".

One thing that I had trouble with was how I viewed us medical students as meddlesome. That is, we had to impose ourselves on the patients, squeeze their history out of them including (read: especially) hush-hush issues (*cough*sexualpromiscuity*cough*intravenousdruguse*cough*), and use up their time in the ward, where one may say that they deserve all the rest they can get. But no, they had to have their sleep interrupted when we had to clerk and examine them, and the feeling of being an object of display and/or experiment for our viewing pleasure may be condescending to some if not many people. And visitors might find it irritating when they see us taking up the attention of their relative/friend/whoever-it-is-they're-visiting instead of the latter appreciating their good will to come and visit.

Maybe I should start correcting my perception.

Sure, I could be evil for intruding on their privacy. On the other hand, the greater evil would be not learning properly by stupidly passing up this opportunity to really polish my social and clinical skills for use in the future, where lives are on the line and my MBBS, if I ever procure one (God Help me!), at stake.

One or two bad eggs should not stop me from doing this. Who are they compared to the Almighty, whom I should dedicate my life and passion to?

Current Music: Mirage - AAA

Of Art, Its Appreciation & Composition

"What strikes me is the fact that in our society, art has become something which is only related to objects, and not to individuals, or to life" ~ Michel Foucault

I remember the time when the Government suddenly decided to implement an idea that is not _half_ as drastic as teaching Science & Maths in English - introducing a literature component in both of the main languages taught in my school. I must have been 14 or 15 at the time, because I did not learn about this revolutionary topic until I was 16, and because said topic was absent in my syllabus prior to that.

I had no complaints about learning literature. I can appreciate some form of art, although what I enjoy may be unacceptable to others (examples include my choice of anime and songs). To each his own, people say. Some artworks are called as such because of their abstract nature, some long-winded, which invites several interpretation and thus, several angles of aesthetics.

What I like about art is that there is freedom, where you don't have to recreate it as it is.

Whether the audience will accept it or not is another matter. What's important is that you are able to produce a result that you yourself are proud of, one that you can find a sense of achievement and joy in. What makes this concept an oxymoron is when I adamantly admit to disliking the subjects of art, essay and literature during my schooling days because they took away the liberty of artistic impulse.

Some may find it odd - I, one who would rather avoid conflicts, am actually a silent rebel who despises authority and limitations. Ha-ha.

...Is that the source of my problems which gives me a truckload of stress that should last me a lifetime?

The way I see it, the internal conflict of what-self-wants-against-what-authority-dictates can only be resolved by finding a common ground, the same aim. Unfortunately this doesn't put a total end to the said conflict, because to reach the same destination, there are at times, several means of doing it.

Still, I remember frowning upon seeing a different interpretation of a literature study we did compared to my own take on the issue. I let it go, to the extent that I forgot what _was_ the issue in the first place.

More beyond this field of vision »

Lesson of the Day...With A Bit of History

...Never read numerous political articles in succession, despite the harmless air they seemed to have. The reason? I succumbed to a unilateral, throbbing headache around four hours later.

...Or, it could have been because I kept myself glued to the computer screen, watching anime (and enjoying it!) right after I was done with the magazine?

History serves another purpose other than teaching us what to avoid - Please don't remind me by saying that history is to instill a sense of patriotism, because it doesn't work on me even after all these years - and that is for us to poke fun at it, all in the name of good humour.

I'd love to quote a comment I found on Youtube about nationalisme, although I'm not sure if it's legal to quote it without permission (since I'm too lazy to ask, whee!); "Nationalism makes relative but not absolute gains". In other words, it's the power that pushes a nation forward, to succeed. As such, when there is a problem of "Self before the rest" in the name of one's country, there's no escaping the possibility of getting involved - or, rather, clashing - with another, especially when history is thrown in the mix. Because history is, essentially, something that has happened that thus, is beyond change. What can be done, instead, is to manipulate the interpretation of the entire story. It's a classic example of "There is only one history/truth, but many versions of it".

And because we won't be who, what and how we are today if it was not because of history, it's quite hard to blame history entirely for all it's worth. I don't know if you've noticed it before, but many major turning points in history involves tyrannical if not egoistical rulers, and plenty of bloodshed. We can rightfully say, "Oh, they lived in the age of ignorance! Like England's King Henry who couldn't bear a male successor, he wrongfully divorced his wife to marry another, and yet when the latter still gave him no son, he accused her of multiple adultery and had her beheaded! But we all know that the sex of the child is determined by whether or not Y chromosome is present, and that should be coming from the father!", but people back then did not know that. What was important to King Henry was that he needed a son. Likewise, Shi Huang Di of China did not care about the massive killings he had ordered just for him to expand his empire and for his Great Wall. Oh, and while we're at it, we must never forget about Hitler and his Holocaust, because now Israel is doing the same to Palestine. Justified terrorism, ka?

Shouldn't we be horrified that it's essentially the evil megalomaniacs who managed to change the course of the world?

So yes, history will continue to haunt us because as long as we allow the inherent selfishness within us to command ourselves, we're destined to repeat history. I suppose one may say it defines humans - that we fight for what we believe is right, and if it so happens that we think it's right if we strip away the right of others in the name of misplaced right of self, it's maddeningly unacceptable.

But amidst it all, there is often the wish to emerge as the "good guy" in every story. So, for argument's sake, a country that went on massive imperialisme, forcing every other country into submission would attempt to justify it. In history books, this is manifested as a clever series of wordplay, or by a simple case of "lies of omission".

Studying history with only the hard facts will be boring. Devoid of humanity? Perhaps. Difficult to remember? God, yes!

Let's not forget that we may be manipulated, in that our thoughts are orchestrated to follow a certain pattern. How we view the world is partly shaped by the media - namely, newspapers, television shows, history, and perhaps even by fictional works.

What do we do in this age of overflowing information? Well, for starters, we must not accept things unconditionally. Just because Politician A is criticising Politician B, it doesn't mean that Politician B is in the wrong. Remember that there is such a thing as the pot calling the kettle black.

Another thing is, that we must learn to question. Even question authority when time calls for it, and do it ethically. Perhaps the young standing up against the old may not be part of what they say "Eastern culture", but for the sake of a healthy debate for the greater good, I say "WHY NOT!?" There is no infallibility in human traits!

...I didn't expect this entry would be this long. I sense a comic strip coming along...if I feel like drawing one.

Oh, wait. Now I know why I had that god-awful headache. I've been thinking too much about things that won't be able to be changed in the near future.


Current Music: World is Mine - Hatsune Miku

P/s: Suddenly I am reminded of one of my favourite quotes, one by Peter Ustinov; "To arrive at the truth, the German adds, the Frenchman subtracts, and the Englishman changes the topic."

P/p/s: PASTAAAA~!!!!11

Say what?

I took the "handwriting personality" quiz on gURL.com
		my handwriting personality is... jocular jotter Your self-confidence and ability to laugh at yourself (you know you're a big dork but you like it) attract lots of admirers and once in a while you get in trouble for being too over-the-top. Read more... What does your handwriting reveal about you?

...I really need to stop spending so much time on the Net. My blog entries are starting to evolve into something that is uncharacteristically...odd.

Sigh.

Current Music: Pierrot - B'z

Imminent Valediction

Somehow I don't think my Xda II is going to make it anymore.
With the demise of the charger, the battery is as good as gone, and I doubt there's going to be any chance of resurrection later on...especially given the age. There's a lifespan for everything on this Earth, and it's nearing its time.
A few of my Word documents get corrupted lately, and there was the problem of hard resetting too often. And it gets really irritating when the phone was acting up - when something as simple as ending a call could fail, you know things will start going downhill.
Does this justify the need for a new one? As long as it can support several medical programs, read and edit Word documents and read PDF files, I'm good.
...Samsung Omnia, I'm looking at you. Glaring at you, because you're going to cost me a bomb.

Current Music: Bird - Seki Tomokazu

I.N.F.P.

Current Music: Fill Me In - Craig David

Obscurity & Ambiguity

There's a very thin line separating naivety and downright stupidity.
Likewise, the borders between passionate discussion and aggressive dissertation is too fine for one's vision.

As for silence...there's too many interpretation for it.
The classic take on silence is to agree. This is extremely apparent in cases where matters of the heart is involved.
Another, it may mean, "I have nothing better to say."
Thirdly, for those who think rather highly of themselves, "You are not worthy of my words".
Fourthly, a more respectable way - by which I mean better self-control - of saying "ZOMG I'm PWNed!!"
Lastly, which is most of the time the definition of my answer of silence, is "I'm angry. I'm not saying anything because you won't like it if I do in my present state."

Current Music: The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script

Achievement of the Day!

Heads up, this blog just had a makeover, and now is back with a new look!

Finally, something new that I just dabbled with which doesn't result in an epic fail! There's still hope left for me!

Okay, together now, everybody say...BANZAI!!

paeds over for now. probably.

So...my end-block exam for paediatric posting was last Tuesday...three days ago. It could have been worse, I suppose, but at this point in time, when it's all said and done, we can only leave everything up to Him.

But I seriously would rather not repeating the block. So let's hope it's not going to happen.

Perhaps I should start setting aims on what to achieve during each break. Sure, it's a short one, but it'd make one's life more meaningful than to just let time slip pass you like a visiting breath of wind...

Curbing my desire to shop is one thing. Now is seriously not a good time to spend, what with the economic recession and all...

...Could you tell that my mood is a bit off? I suspect it has something to do with the new PM's entering the office today.

Couple that to my inability to tolerate the infernal weather, would they justify my intention of hopefully migrating outside the country?

Considering the term "global warning" itself, obviously there's no definite escape from the intolerable heat.

...Maybe I should start changing the blog's layout.

Current Music: Donten - Does