Glimpsing What is Yet to Come

They say the future is unknown, and is better left that way.

My wheels of thought were set in motion when a patient complained to me how a new H.O. did not manage to set in a branula for her, and I refrained myself from admitting that I myself have failed several times (countless, in the case of venepuncture, before my so-called curse was lifted...), for the sake of my own reputation. I felt sorry for both parties - the patient and the doctor - but what was I to do? Sure, we learn from mistakes, yet contrariwise, it's not right to have patients endure sufferings as a result of being unwilling guinea pigs.

Frankly, I don't feel much to be proud of when I don the white coat, perhaps overwhelmed by a sense of a humungous responsibility on my frail shoulders. Worse, I encounter a sense of panic when student nurses, patients - and even some of the nurses themselves - refer to me as "Doctor".

Sure, one may say it's a form of prayer...But I just felt uneasy. Like a bitter taste in my mouth, a heavy weight on my chest.

Dr. Azam from O&G once said that the only good feeling one gets when one enters medicine as a full-pledged doctor is from knowing that one has made his/her parents proud of her. How true; I remember how my mother's tone was laced with an unmistakable, although tiny, hint of pride when she introduced me as a medical student to her friends. Whereas I would, in fact, feel embarrassed when people ask me about what I study.

There is no denying that during housemanship, one is in for what could be the closest thing to hell on Earth.

As Henry Rollins put it so aptly, "Life will not break your heart. It'll crush it."

So yes, I do feel painful pangs of guilt and horror when I see H.O.s running around, deprived of sleep and time for themselves, and yet still getting berated. Such energy, such dedication, such perseverance!

It doesn't take clairvoyance to tell how my life is going to be in a few years, whether it's about housemanship or final pro, and if I'll manage to finish medical school without any hiccup. Will being intellectually prepared be enough to reduce some of the burden?

Mental preparation and physical strength are high in the to-have list as well.

Current Music: The Delicious☆Tomato Song - Namikawa Daisuke

P/s: And, true to my nature as an impulsive decision-maker, I decided just this morning that I'd rather spend this weekend at home. Will be driving back tomorrow afternoon. Godspeed.

P/p/s: BUONO~!!!!11