Lost Souls

Psychiatry posting, if anything, makes me more introspective of myself and the world as a whole, which subsequently leaves me in somewhat greater despair.

How cruel the world can be to the unsuspecting, to the naive. To the weak, a line of never-ending and brutal conundrum fired. And so we realise the fragility of sanity, the value of that which calls us human.

Where is the meaning? I know how people take my maxim of "searching for the meaning of life" or for the "truth" as a joke but...well, let's just say that life is, essentially, a search and eventually a discovery of our own selves, and of Him.

I want to be stronger than this. Because the world doesn't become nicer just because you tell her to.

Oftentimes I reflect back what I'd like to achieve, what I'd like to say I've picked up over the years, what I can proudly say I have survived. And yet temptations lead me, blindfolded in ignorance, far and away. But the call of "greater purpose" occasionally calls, beckoning me back...

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

~ Emily Dickinson

Current Music: Forget You – Glee Cast Cover

Giving the Lie

A poem by Sir Walter Raleigh. Oh, he's just the fellow who introduced tobacco to the world England, and while I am unhappy with him for that, it is still tragic how he fell victim to the circumstances and how he met his end.

Perhaps this life, to some extent, is still full of lies.

"The Lie" - Sir Walter Raleigh

Go, soul, the body's guest,
….Upon a thankless arrant;
Fear not to touch the best;
….The truth shall be thy warrant:
….….Go, since I needs must die,
….….And give the world the lie.

Say to the court it glows
….And shines like rotten wood,
Say to the church it shows
….What's good, and doth no good:
….….If church and court reply,
….….Then give them both the lie.

Tell potentates, they live
….Acting, by others' action;
Not lov'd unless they give;
….Not strong, but by affection.
….….If potentates reply,
….….Give potentates the lie.

Tell men of high condition,
….That manage the estate,
Their purpose is ambition;
….Their practice only hate.
….….And if they once reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell them that brave it most,
….They beg for more by spending,
Who in their greatest cost
….Like nothing but commending.
….….And if they make reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell zeal it wants devotion;
….Tell love it is but lust;
Tell time it meets but motion;
….Tell flesh it is but dust:
….….And wish them not reply,
….….For thou must give the lie.

Tell age it daily wasteth;
….Tell honour how it alters;
Tell beauty how she blasteth;
….Tell favour how it falters:
….….And as they shall reply,
….….Give every one the lie.

Tell wit how much it wrangles
….In tickle points of niceness;
Tell wisdom she entangles
….Herself in over-wiseness:
….….And when they do reply,
….….Straight give them both the lie.

Tell physic of her boldness;
….Tell skill it is prevention;
Tell charity of coldness;
….Tell law it is contention:
….….And as they do reply,
….….So give them still the lie.

Tell fortune of her blindness;
….Tell nature of decay;
Tell friendship of unkindness;
….Tell justice of delay:
….….And if they will reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell arts they have no soundness,
….But vary by esteeming;
Tell schools they want profoundness,
….And stand too much on seeming.
….….If arts and schools reply,
….….Give arts and schools the lie.

Tell faith it's fled the city;
….Tell how the country erreth;
Tell manhood, shakes off pity;
….Tell virtue, least preferreth.
….….And if they do reply,
….….Spare not to give the lie.

So when thou hast, as I
….Commanded thee, done blabbing;
Because to give the lie
….Deserves no less than stabbing:
….….Stab at thee, he that will,
….….No stab thy soul can kill!


Current Music: How to Save A Life - The Fray

Out for Blood

My choice in literature is simple: Give me a good mystery, preferably murder, and tell it in a good way. Bonus points if there are puzzles that have double meanings and have some reference rooted in history. (And I was not impressed by The Woman in White, although I lost sleep over the book because I couldn't put the book down owing to the sentiment running along the lines of "Good God, will you just end and release me from this torture?!")

But the current fad is - wait for it - vampires. Those blood-sucking undead with (close to) human faces and fangs that elongate when necessary.

And yes, while I do not see vampires as my cup of tea, allow me to say this: I want my vampire stories to have essence, at least one credible plotline, and characters that are fleshed out well and don't make me feel like I'm reading some self-fulfillment fantasies of an abysmal kind of writer who don't deserve to get her/his book published in the first place.

Do I need to mention the title, the so-called saga? I think not. Some people will be out for my blood...and as if I don't have enough social life at stake here...

Another confession: I have never read Bram Stoker's Dracula before. I do know a bit on the person he was based on - Vlad Tepes a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler, a sadistic prince from Romania who took pleasure in dining in his garden among his victims impaled on sticks, like a forest of bodies. The closest(?) vampire book that I read was Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. I read that thick book in the dead of the night while my roommates were asleep, and I got goosebumps. But I did finish it after several months, and while the plot was relatively unremarkable and the writing occasionally deteriorated to mundane description of landscapes, at least the vampires there had no qualms about attacking people to achieve their ends. Did it feel like some sort of a history lesson? Yes, but at least it wasn't as bad as our secondary school syllabus.

And Vampire Knight just didn't strike a chord even after I gave it the three-episodes-trial. The humour fell flat, and some things were just too unbelievable to take seriously.

Despite my lack of affinity with the supernatural beings (be it fiction or in real life, let's pray it'll stay that way!), already I have two vampire-related stories to check out:

(1) Shiki
It's the most anticipated series for the summer season, and will be a long series at over 20 episodes. Hope it's not anything like Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, because that one I couldn't tolerate although it was deemed as one of the best horror series. Others deem it a must watch for those who liked Ghost Hound, a title which I've been wanting to see as well. Still, this will be only kept in view while I embark on an adventure that is the fifth year (gasp!) because I discovered with Durarara!! that it is more fun marathon-ing the episodes rather than wait weekly.

To be honest, the character design irks me somewhat. Does the pointy chin serve any purpose beyond aesthetics?

(2) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
A new novel. Yes, Lincoln as in one of the past presidents of the US. Yes, he hunted vampires. Yes, it's a work of fiction.
...I'll just wait for a paperback version.

Yes, I am aware that I have better things to read. Thank God Durarara!! and Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood are over.

...Until some other anime comes along. And one is already upon me. Begone, temptation!


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #7

1. Done with Radiology for now. My eyes hurt, my head spins. Making sense of a spectrum of gray is taking its toll on me...
Next, dermatology. Ack.

2. Case reports. Thank goodness they're done with.

3. Can't wait to go back next weekend. Got a call from the bookstore saying that Caleb Carr's The Alienist that I ordered one month ago has finally arrived. If I weren't at the hospital when I received the call I would've squealed like a fangirl on helium (or sugar rush, whichever is higher in frequency).
I did manage to finish Caleb Carr's Killing Time one week after purchasing the book (deliberate delay on my part), but God Knows that after I shut the back cover of the book, I had some bad aftertaste lingering in my buccal cavity. That's not to say that the book was _bad_ - on the contrary, it was well-written, and it highlighted one of the major concerns of this so-called information technology age - but maybe that's exactly it; It rings true to the current scenario, and I shudder when I realise that I could be playing right into the enemy's field, just the way they wanted me to. Tsk.

4. On a positive note, the so-called Book Fair - not many books to choose from, but I suppose I'm in no place to complain - did manage to provide me with three books that were awesome bargains. It just shows that there could be hidden gems among the, uh, not-so-worthwhile.
...So what if I still am only two-thirds through Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, and halfway through Simon Winchester's The Professor and The Madman?

5. Methinks I should widen my choice of reading materials. Sure, crime and mysteries are intriguing, but they highlight the dark sides of people - one that is willing to trample over others just to get their way, and to satisfy their selfish needs and greed.
...Somehow I can't imagine myself reading chick lits or Twilight romance stuff. I need more intricate plots, more complex characters, and story development that blows one's mind.
And I want Dan Simmon's Drood.
Writing is difficult. Which is why I haven't written much lately.

6. I'm all out for technology, but reading books the old-fashioned way still beats eBooks.
The same goes to academic books, alas.

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Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Naruto chapter 486 made me LOL (there's simply no other manner to describe it). Or rather, the reactions to that chapter... *snicker*

P/p/s: Am way behind Durarara!!...Maybe getting the DVD once it comes out would be a better option...

Deprivation

An amazing feat. No, I am not talking about my surviving forensic medicine posting in HKL last week (ooh, bodies, blood and putrefaction galore!) and the god-awful but bearable traffic jam (my record being stuck in a bumper-to-bumper jam: close to 1 hour 30 minutes)...but rather, two weeks without Internet connection, because Streamyx is in dire need of improving its customer service. That, or the cables at my home are calling out for a change.

Astoundingly, without the Net - which automatically means no new anime watched, no new manga chapters read, no online reading, no blogging, no FB (...), et al - some things were achieved. Three books were finished: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, The Fire by Katherine Neville (earning itself one of the best ever historical fiction this humble reader has had the pleasure to peruse!), and The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins (a good mystery, considering it was written in the mid 1800s - although it was no Sherlock Holmes material). I'm also awaiting my order - Caleb Carr's The Alienist, which I could expect to arrive in 2, 3 weeks. In the meantime, I'll comfort myself with The Alchemist and Outliers.

I have managed to not shop, partly because almost nothing managed to pique my interest.

Am presently on holiday in Perak, but tomorrow, by God's Will, we'll set off for Cameron Highlands. Strawberries, mmm...

Current Music: Ah, Putrefaction - Sherlock Holmes OST<--in the spirit of forensic medicine!

An Ode to THE One

A sentiment that I can only demonstrate through a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, which sums up everything nicely. Almost everything, that is.

How Do I Love Thee?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height<---(...yes, perfect dimensions!)
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight<--(haunting, even when out of sight...)
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise,
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

...Wait, no, scratch that line about death...for after death, there is no more use...

Source

Apple Inc. continues to make me squeal in delight, which I must assure you, is not an easy feat. I can't numerate the reasons I love Apple so, much less know where to begin.

Hello, Apple iPad, I hope to own you pretty soon if the opportunity ever materialises. Bamboo who?

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Now playing: Kamiya Hiroshi - Kurayami Shinjuu Soushisouai (Uta Nashi)
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Take note that this infatuation may or may not be permanent, as parameters such as memory (my own, not the tablet's), financial status and rationality - which only arrives at a later date, if at all - all influence the exact outcome in the future.

Doorbell

1. Days and nights, and its 2010 already! Is it just me or have I been too immersed with the past that the present is overlooked and the future forgotten?
Oh, well, happy 2010, people! Praying that whatever awaits us in this year is best suited for our cause and...meaning in life.
That aside, it means Ortho exams soon! *facepalm*

2. I doubt that I have any serious histrionic tendencies, but why do I get attention when and where I least want it? Argh.

3. Still indecisive about what case I should select for my fourth case write up.

4. Sherlock Holmes is epic. So epic that I see Avatar as secondary. The latter has mesmerising graphics even without the 3D feature, but Sherlock Holmes has intelligent story _and_ awesome action scenes. Compare the mystery to Avatar's a la Pocahontas-FernGully-hybrid story and any sane mind with genuine appreciation for story telling would know which to go for.
...then again, this Sherlock Holmes fangirl is already biased from the start.

Current Music: 21 Guns - Greenday featuring American Idiot Cast

P/s: Sherlock Holmes OST, me want!

Intermission #2

Undeniably, one of the most obvious changes after the sixth Prime Minister came into power is that I seldom read the topics pertaining to the nation in the newspapers nowadays, be it The Star or Utusan. Personally I prefer the former, because it's in English *cough*andlessbiasedinperspective*cough*.

Anyway. For those who have not been up to date - i.e. less than yours truly have been - the present issue is still the teaching of science and mathematics in English and, now as an added bonus, the issue of making a pass in English compulsory to earn a pass in SPM as a whole.

But this entry is not to expound on why I would support or condemn the move, or why I am a proponent of the English language because I seriously need to settle my forsaken case write up before engaging in another futile rant which probably won't make an ounce of positive change in the country's future. Or my own, for that matter.

Out of sheer boredom, and equipped with a sense of dread and a prayer, I opened today's copy of Utusan - perhaps my second time of reading the newspaper this month alone, which probably isn't saying much. Naturally, I skipped the nonsensical political melee...but my eyes caught one particular heading. More accurately, it was the layout of the content that sparked my interest, because it had something _other_ than party A criticising/thrashing/damning party B. It had poetry.

I can appreciate some form of literature, but the general rule in my books is simple: "English>>>Malay". Don't start saying how unpatriotic I am to make this statement. It is simply my preference, just like how one prefers black to white, for example. So it's one of my basic human rights. Just like I can say how I suffered reading through Bukit Kepong and Konserto Terakhir in my late secondary school years...although frankly reading The Pearl was also a bore chore...

Ahem.

Here is a copy of the poem...and I'll pass commenting on how I feel about it, because my sentiments towards my own race has always been - and forever will be - ambivalent at best. That still doesn't cloud my judgment...that this poem still carries a great weight of truth.

MELAYU - Usman Awang

Melayu itu orang yang bijaksana
Nakalnya bersulam jenaka
Budi bahasanya tidak terkira
Kurang ajarnya tetap santun
Jika menipu pun masih bersopan
Bila mengampu bijak beralas tangan.

Melayu itu berani jika bersalah
Kecut takut kerana benar,
Janji simpan di perut
Selalu pecah di mulut,
Biar mati adat
Jangan mati anak.

Melayu di tanah Semenanjung luas maknanya:
Jawa itu Melayu, Bugis itu Melayu
Banjar juga disebut Melayu, Minangkabau
memang Melayu,
Keturunan Acheh adalah Melayu,
Jakun dan Sakai asli Melayu,
Arab dan Pakistani, semua Melayu
Mamak dan Malbari serap ke Melayu
Malah mua'alaf bertakrif Melayu
(Setelah disunat anunya itu)

Dalam sejarahnya
Melayu itu pengembara lautan
Melorongkan jalur sejarah zaman
Begitu luas daerah sempadan
Sayangnya kini segala kehilangan

Melayu itu kaya falsafahnya
Kias kata bidal pusaka
Akar budi bersulamkan daya
Gedung akal laut bicara

Malangnya Melayu itu kuat bersorak
Terlalu ghairah pesta temasya
Sedangkan kampung telah tergadai
Sawah sejalur tinggal sejengkal
tanah sebidang mudah terjual

Meski telah memiliki telaga
Tangan masih memegang tali
Sedang orang mencapai timba.
Berbuahlah pisang tiga kali
Melayu itu masih bermimpi

Walaupun sudah mengenal universiti
Masih berdagang di rumah sendiri.
Berkelahi cara Melayu
Menikam dengan pantun
Menyanggah dengan senyum
Marahnya dengan diam
Merendah bukan menyembah
Meninggi bukan melonjak.

Watak Melayu menolak permusuhan
Setia dan sabar tiada sempadan
Tapi jika marah tak nampak telinga
Musuh dicari ke lubang cacing
Tak dapat tanduk telinga dijinjing
Maruah dan agama dihina jangan
Hebat amuknya tak kenal lawan

Berdamai cara Melayu indah sekali
Silaturrahim hati yang murni
Maaf diungkap senantiasa bersahut
Tangan diulur sentiasa bersambut
Luka pun tidak lagi berparut

Baiknya hati Melayu itu tak terbandingkan
Selagi yang ada sanggup diberikan
Sehingga tercipta sebuah kiasan:
"Dagang lalu nasi ditanakkan
Suami pulang lapar tak makan
Kera di hutan disusu-susukan
Anak di pangkuan mati kebuluran"

Bagaimanakah Melayu abad dua puluh satu
Masihkan tunduk tersipu-sipu?
Jangan takut melanggar pantang
Jika pantang menghalang kemajuan;
Jangan segan menentang larangan
Jika yakin kepada kebenaran;
Jangan malu mengucapkan keyakinan
Jika percaya kepada keadilan.

Jadilah bangsa yang bijaksana
Memegang tali memegang timba
Memiliki ekonomi mencipta budaya
Menjadi tuan di negara Merdeka
Current Music: Don't Say Lazy - Hikasa Yoko

Of Ships and Seas

Sometimes you just have to assume command of your life, because you're the navigator and that steering wheel has your name inscribed on it.

If one were to ask me how I view life in general, I'd say that it resembles more of the open sea than the typical road that we are used to. Remember Robert Frost's The Road not Taken?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

So why would I go for the "life is an open sea" concept?

Partly because the vast ocean holds more mysteries than an open road, and certainly deeper and more frightening.

Rightfully, you're in charge of where the ship is to go. And because the sea is wide open, your options are aplenty depending on your own potential and the own limitations that you have set for yourself.

Turning back to return to dry land is not really possible, because while you were away, things on land have changed by the virtue of time.

The strength of your ship is determined by the strength of your own person as a whole. There'll be the forces of nature to reckon with, and if you're unlucky, you'll meet a bunch of pirates who're only too keen to loot and damage you, leaving you helpless and miserable.

Screwing up means that your vessel is doomed, as undignified as the once-majestic Titanic that succumbed to an iceberg because of that thing we call "Pride". Sinking into the bottomless sea is the only way to go if you're too far from the shores, with no rescue team out to save you.

You're chained to that ship you're commandeering. No matter how many people you have onboard, those that claim to be with you through thick and thin, ultimately, there'll be enough lifeboats for everyone else but you. Because you're bonded to that ship, if it goes down, it takes you with it.

Eventually, it doesn't really matter if you know how to swim either.

Current Music: Garnet Moon - Shimatani Hitomi