Solus

Solus (L.) - Solo

Real life isn't like the movies. So when life's tragedy cuts you, the pain is very much real. And, being human, you bleed.

But you will heal, eventually, somehow. They say time is the greatest physician.

So in the meantime...grow up, soldier on.

All is not lost. There is still much to do.

Current Music: Don't Worry, Be Happy - Guy Sebastian
 

All in Due Time

And so I completed my last shift as a lowly HO last night. Wasn't exactly a shift to be proud of - my health has not been tip-top lately to be honest - but at least it's over.

So rightfully I'll be an MO in less than a week's time. Excited? Sort of. Anxious, jittery? Definitely.

Not to mention that the department where I'll be floating in has been showing its ugly side lately. Is it my fault that I'm somewhat eager to just leave and start afresh in new territories (wherever it may be, but hopefully closer to home?).

So now all I can do is wait. Wait and pray for the best.

There's a saying I found online: Waiting patiently is easier than regretting tremendously.

Applies to most of life's situations, don't you think? Because jumping headlong into ugly situations, no thanks to one's emotions, is likely to cause more damage...which may end up becoming irreversible.

So as the Quran reminds all of us - be patient, ask Allah for His Forgiveness, and pray hard.

Current Music: Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Intermission #51

A couple of self-reminders:

"No calamity befalls the earth or your own selves, but it is (pre-destined) in a Book before We bring it into being. Indeed it is easy for Allah.

"So that you may neither grieve on what has escaped you, nor over-exult on what He has given to you. And Allah does not love any self-admirer, over-proud" (Al-Hadid, 22-23)

Forgive me, dear God, for I am but human, who errs only too easily.

Intermission #46

1. In almost every situation, there is a high chance that there will be one mood-maker; One whose mere presence gives what kind of atmosphere the rest of us will be in.

Generally in the ward, this role is filled in by the specialist. If s/he is irritable or just being a pain, then chances are the rest of the day is screwed.

Actually it doesn't really matter which department you're in, but here in O&G and Surgical, you can practically feel the tension growing in the air; so thick that you might need a chainsaw to cut it.

The point is, don't abuse your power. This includes the tendency to inflict some indirect psychological insult.

2. Yesterday at work, while my specialist was deep in thoughts thinking on what to do about a suspicious CTG tracing for one of the patients who was in labour, I was in my usual pose - right hand poised with my trusty pen in position, ready to jot down whatever he might have to say. Then he glanced at me, and just gave me an amused smile. He commented how us HO's are always writing down stuff.

I blinked cluelessly, stared once at my pen, recapped it and chucked it into my pocket.

"Ah, that's better," said he.

I gave a measly smile, and stared at my half-written entry.

Then he ambled next to me, whispering, "You know, house officers are not clerks. You're a doctor. Aku dulu pun tak suka clerking, tulis-tulis..."

And, surprising even myself, I blurted out, "Yes, actually I'm confused too."

He chuckled silently. "Don't be."

When he already left me, I just stared at the still unfinished entry.

Yes, I think I'm very much confused about my job description.

I think I'm so used to being a mak turut, merely following orders and running here and there, that I can't even develop my own thinking skills; instead finding myself being so scared of questioning authority blatantly, even when I know they're being unreasonable.

3. I kind of envy how some people are not afraid of speaking out when they see injustice. Maybe they have this air around them - what they say comes out as a constructive criticism, a mature observation of human fallacies.

And me? Maybe people just perceive my words, my opinions as childish complaints, nothing more.

4. I'm very tempted to leave this hospital once my time for MO-ship comes. Especially when the lab is being an absolute pain in the arse, because there's no way I can bear taking up Pathology - if the chance ever presents itself - when I absolutely resent their policies.

Current Music: Angel with A Shotgun - The Cab

P/s: I'm getting really lazy with titles, am I not? Pfft!

Compilations #19

1. Turnabout

On one fine night I was asked (read: ordered) to cover the haemato/onco ward for a day - a decision I made when I was barely awake, as I was already in my deep slumber. The next morning, with some sense of trepidation, I forced my way to the dilapidated ward instead of my usual route to my usual ward (High Dependency Ward).

Despite the reduced work load, I found myself missing HDW. And no amount of words could ever describe the relief I felt when I returned to HDW the following day.

I suppose some things just grow on you, despite your initial hatred - or indifference - towards them at first.

And some other things, after some twists of fate here and there, unexpected as they may be, can instantaneously trigger a complete change of reaction too.

I guess that's how life is meant to be, even after all these years of living. It is inevitable to judge and to be judged, but one must also be open to changes and be prepared to be challenged, be it physically or mentally and - mostly - spiritually.

We can't win them all. There will be some downsides...but at the end of the day all we can do is to estimate whether the positive aspects outweigh the negative, and if the former will all be worth the troubles of putting up with the latter.

2. Distance

Dear God, I can't take this anymore. But being too close for comfort has its own share of problems too.

Am I the only one who's hurting here?

Intermission #42

1. Yesterday was tiring, but worth it in the end.

Congrats, my dear sir, for exceeding my expectation not once, but twice over.

Congrats, dear self, for maintaining self-control.

2. Dear God, nephro ward is depressing. Not only because I'm the only one in the morning shift (why would an introvert like me feel lonely though?)...but because of the challenging veins and several patients yang banyak sangat cekadak, apa kata balik je la!!??

Cepat la habis, oh Medical! I can't take this no more...

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Defeated

1. I want to give up.

It's like I can't say or do anything without being judged, and my intentions being misunderstood.

Am I speaking in some alien language, and are my thoughts so out of this world?

Am I so insignificant that I can be trampled to the ground just like that?

Why does everything seem foreign to me all of a sudden?

I condemn myself enough, there is no need for anyone to share that luxury anymore. Especially when they know nothing.

...If only I could give up without compromising anything.

2. It's all a matter of time, is it not?

They say good things come to those who wait.

Others say that time and tide wait for no man.

Which principle should I subscribe to, pray tell?

Only time will tell.

...This is going nowhere, honestly. Dear God.

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People

Departure

I hate this distance.

My grandfather passed away yesterday, and I received the news when they were already twenty minutes into giving him CPR. No matter how I sped, I knew it was impossible to reach there for any last words.

There was a sense of hollowness in me during the entire day...even until now.

I pray that God will place him among His Blessed. Amiin.

In Which I Talk About the Same Darn Things

"Change your thoughts and you change your world" - Norman Vincent Peale

1. Alas, I lament for my failure as a narrator!

Is my life so monotonous that all I ever talk about is work? And my neverending regret for my inherent weakness to change myself and the world around me? And forget not my penchant to dramatise everything - surely there has to be a limit to what nonsense I get off on!

(If I'm not making any sense, blame it on my lack of sleep last night - all in the name of work!)

In some aspects, surgical is not too bad. Sure, there are those things that still irk me every now and then - such as the impossibility of finding for things when you need them (e.g. X-ray films and case sheets and even the...gel thingy) and how we keep on running out of things (We have too many admissions! Stop getting yourselves sick, people!) and how people still keep on thinking I'm a nurse (Dangit, what the heck is wrong with the world!?) and specialists demanding things that are close to impossible.

There are a few nurses that are helpful. Certain PPKs don't mind sending down the blood samples that I asked for. Certain nursing students didn't mind helping us to do ECGs. So yeah, maybe it's not too bad.

But it still hurts being pressurised by those on top.

We're still understaffed.

The system is still as abominable as ever - if not worse.

I lament for the health state of the general public, and their awareness.

I weep for my own state of being human.

...And I pray that I will not later on become like those I despise.

2. Have you any idea what you've done to me?

I am now a stranger to myself. All these feelings that I can't contain...I can't even pour them into a sonnet, a hymn.

...Then all the feelings manifest as gastritis. And so - foolish that I am! - I can only go, "Wait, what!?"


Current Music: Drive By - Train

Intermission #37

1. In a way, despite the prospect of greater trials and trouble ahead, I can't wait to get out of Paeds.

Allah Willing, I just have to go through two more working shifts - both are resus, but screw it, it's not like I have much control over the matter. Things could be worse so...here's to praying that I shall survive those two days!

I hate dealing with parents, full stop. Maybe not all - I'm not that heartless that I can afford to leave them with their anxieties - but for God's sake could they at least take a damn hint and see that we are busy with rounds and stop nagging us with questions such as but not limited to, "Bila anak saya boleh keluar?" or "Macam mana baby saya?" or "Kenapa kena amik darah lagi?".

Today at one point I wondered if the hospital's policy of nursery admission is too bloody all-encompassing that maybe we are having unnecessary admissions, all in the name of observation.

...And whose fault is it when the hospital resorts to drastic and effing ridiculous measures just to cut costs? One of which is by delaying our allowance, which is a tyrannical move, I tell you!

2. A precarious state.

In which uncertainty is certain. Dubious, and up to anyone's interpretation.

It could go either way...and I fear I may not be prepared for a bad end.

Yet, it had not blinded me entirely. Far from perfect, but at the same time, sounds rather too good to be true that I need to double check myself to make sure that I was not dreaming.

But am I compromising too much here?

Would testing the waters sink the boat to the bottom? Or will it bring us to greater heights?

Or am I singing a solo melody here?

Fear precludes me from finding out for real.

Current Music: Number One for Me - Maher Zain

Tough

They say tough times don't last, but tough people do.

I say, life gets tougher because it assumes you do too.

What do you do when everything falls apart, and you know that you're next in the line of fire?

What do you do when you know everything out there is screwing you up - some slowly and bit by bit, while others just knock you down even when your hands are up in the air in surrender - but you're just too powerless, too insignificant to actually bring about any wind of change?

What do you do when you can see how things are just so very wrong, but you cannot help but be enslaved by it because that's how just the effing system is and how some aspects in your environment is just so uncivilised that you start to lose hope in humanity itself?

What do you do when you're just so bloody tired of all this nonsense and you feel the urge to just scream out and somehow outdo all the babies' cries?

Would you run, even just for a little while, to escape all the stupidity that seems too eager to consume you in its tide?

I have lost my compassion...and I know it'll be tough regaining it.

I bloody hate the hospital.

"Then don't feel, just do!"

So I was told. But it just robs me of whatever joy I had left. Like a low-paid worker who does the same darn thing over and over again, with little to no room to improve him or herself.

And suppressing all this negative energy? It only delays the pain, as the comeback shows that it is capable of becoming even badder and more intimidating...and more crippling.

What is left to feel when you're too scared to feel joy and happiness, but too scared to feel pain and sorrow?

What do you do when your anger is so close to exploding, and yet there is no safe outlet anywhere?

What do you say when you have nobody to listen to your wails and bitter cries?

What do you do when you know the only thing you can do is to withdraw from people, and yet you're scared to be left alone with nothing but your gloomy and fearful thoughts?

What do you think about when your own thread of thoughts are full of disjointed things, as if there is a checkpoint in your head somewhere - perhaps your last glimmer of sanity? - that acts to cease those horrible monsters residing in your head before they take over and shut you down?

Monsters in my head. They're like parasites that suck whatever is left of me, and I am too weak to put up a fight.

What do you do when you look up to the Heavens and pray hard, but words just failed you and you just freeze there, knowing that despite the incoherence that punctuates your speech, God Knows what is it that you yearn to tell Him?
And so, these tears. And yet, with their release, my pain is not decreasing in the least.

I ask thee - what do you do when you have too many questions but the answers are nowhere in sight?

Rhetorical questions can be hard to answer, are they not?

Current Music: Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People

Compilations #15

1. Time, a great agent of Change.

But certain things are difficult to get rid of. My penchant for dramatisation, for instance - perhaps it's just how my humour is, how I roll.

Never listen to me after my night shift but before my morning cup of coffee; Whatever I babble on will either send you into fits of laughter or give you the urge to knock your head (not mine, I hope?) against the nearest wall.

2. I haven't been updating my writing blog much.

Perhaps it's because my focus has been shifted - towards work, and towards certain possibilities that I have long deemed as mere fiction, and yet still cannot help but to feel drawn to.

It's scary, isn't it, how small things can affect things in big, unimaginable ways?

I salute you, but at the same time I lament for my own weakness for being human.

3. Somehow I always manage to get myself stuck in weird and awkward situations. It's like I'm a natural magnet for this sort of thing.

The uncertainty thrills me for a short while, then it comes and knocks me down to my knees, and kills whatever light of hope I once had.

...I wonder how long will I be able to take this rigmarole before it completely exhausts me.

Current Music: Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

Intermission #35

I can't believe that I haven't updated for around two weeks.

Truth be told, I've been trying to make heads or tails of a lot of issues. A whole lot of them, that enumerating them down one by one would take some time. So I had to make do with trying to rein them in my head, but honestly, it hasn't been working well.

I'm done with Orthopaedics, currently am in Paediatrics. Completed 7 days of tagging which, truth be told, gave me little opportunity to actually learn stuff. Maybe that's just me - right after I'm done in the ward, I head home and collapse. I've never been one to actually study in the ward even from my student days - trust me, with crying children and fussy parents/aunts/grandparents/what-have-you, ward rounds three times daily, and colleagues who are prone to crack jokes...any effort of studying is futile.

Even the Net bores me these days. I haven't been following any anime lately, and the only show that I finished was UN-GO (which was awesome, but I digress). Even putting my thoughts into words proved to be no small feat. Whatever scenario I conjured in my mind seemed unfit to be shared to the rest of the virtual world. Any string of words is mercilessly axed before any coherence is met. Any faint image, further blurred.

I frankly am losing control of my thoughts, my imagination, and I'm scared.

I've always been afraid to dream of beautiful, cheerful things.

But there comes a time when dark, haunting nightmares gather around me, and I could only cower, alone, defenseless, and left to my despair.

When that sliver of hope appears, I'm still afraid to reach out for it, no matter how desperate I am.

Maybe it's retribution. Maybe it's His Trial for me. Maybe it's just me.

I'm losing a battle with myself. What now?

Current Music: Kimi ga Matteiru kara - Gackt Camui

Compilations #13

1. After a certain point, even the most patient of person might fall prey to the his or her own anger.
After a certain point, anything can turn 180 degrees.

2. What do you do when you want something so badly, but you're unsure if you're actually worthy of it? Or, heck, if it's supposed to be yours after all?

3. It's okay, isn't it, to not go for a dinner which I paid RM30 for? Let the money burn just like that...because I just don't feel like meeting people. Just because.
It's just money, after all.

4. I'm always going to be stuck in a roller coaster of emotions, aren't I? It's always one brief moment of happiness, followed by despair...
Is that how life is, generally speaking? Or am I thinking too much into it, allowing my emotions get the best out of me?

Current Music: Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner

At Intervals

At work, too many things occupy my thoughts...that the moment my shift ends, it's like everything comes crushing down. Sort of like being on high, then it goes down for no explicable reason...and it leaves you feeling helpless.

...But in my case, it's like the sudden release from work triggers a whole new myriad of thoughts that I usually had no control of.

And is it any wonder that I don't really get much rest even after work? Let's not even go into how people still called for me, asking for unreasonable, trivial things even when it's supposed to be my day off.

I hate the fact that I can't even control my own thoughts when they go overboard. I blame it on my irregular sleeping schedule, amongst other things...

Despite it all, I still pray that He will Open up the Path for me.

Current Music: How to Go (TV Ver.) - School Food Punishment

A Matter of Opinion

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails” ~ William Arthur Ward

Perhaps it just won't do to listen to people's opinions, but some would be quick to deny that. After all, working with people means there is no escape from people, yes? Even if we can stop people from talking (no small feat, surely!), no way we can change their opinions so easily. And, as most books would tell you, more often than not we are dealing with people as they are emotional creatures, rather than logical -  despite what my field of work might say on the matter.

But then again - are opinions actually manifestations of people judging people? I'm starting to think that they are the same...

Specialists and MOs remarked that I seemed depressed lately, making me more even more flustered than usual. While I appreciate(?) the concern(?), I'd rather not have it pointed out. It's my natural state of things, although I'm trying to do something about it. As one kind patient told me - in the end, all the stress accumulated at work won't actually be worth it if other aspects in one's life - health, social links, etc - become compromised in the process.

Fellow HOs teased that I was (am?) optimistic, and expressed their mock horror that my optimism is slowly being eroded. My response? I've never been an optimist, because my heart has been broken so many times.

...I'll just have to work hard, yes? As long as I know I'm doing what's right, it should be okay even if the world is against me, because God Knows better anyway...and what is this world but a sojourn, a minefield of trials and tribulations?

...This entry probably reflects my idealistic musings, but whatever. Having any conviction is just too much work these days.

Current Music: Love Love - Take That

Detrimental

As I go on in this working life, it's inevitable that I get exposed to - and am being forced to reckon with - various human traits that simply defies any simple classification. Mind you, not only from the patients and their relatives, but also from my peers and my superiors (whom I still can't call "Boss"...tsk tsk much?).

One thing that I always try to avoid is talking bad about people. It's not something I like to be done to me, but I suppose nobody can really stop people from talking, yeah? I try to avoid any conflict, and even try to avoid being roped into being a spectator for one. So imagine when someone commented about another's bad attitude/behaviour/etc to me? I just sighed and forced an understanding smile, trying to push out the thought if anyone actually said the same thing about me...and just went ahead with my work.

...Which makes me wonder why people accuse _me_ of being overly negative. Or does the fault lie with me for making myself vulnerable to unfair accusations from people? With all due respect, though, I believe I still have the right to let out some steam whenever I reach the limit. I guess that's why people complain after all? So I too should be able to complain when I absolutely feel like it...

And that pacifist voice in me? The voice is getting slower and slower with each passing day, as my patience grows thinner and my temper fuelling up.

It's ugly. It's ironic, how this supposedly noble profession is very much tainted. It's not all sparkles and glory. I guess whenever people are involved, the equation will always turn out to be more complicated to be understood, to be solved.

When I opt for silence - most of the time probably out of uncertainty on how to response rather than "I shall not dignify your remarks/jokes with an answer" - people say I'm in one of my mood swings. Excuse my saying this, but...what the hell?!

Isn't it ironic if it turns out that my profession of saving lives will be the exact thing that turned out to be, God Forbid, the death of me? I mean, all the stress and negative energy that I've accumulated (ever since med school itself?) must be putting a strain on my body and my general health...

Current Music: Hold Me - Savage Garden

Intermission #31

I tried, I really did.

Perhaps optimism is way beyond me. It's easier to ignore than to deny.

To climb is far more difficult than traveling in a flat, straight line. To descend, on the other hand...promises more misery, and a worse view of things to come.

I'm too young to feel this bad...but already old enough to know that idealism kills.

As mentioned before - there are no more tears. Numbness is starting to set in...and the only solution I can see is with Him.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain

Still Standing

Here I am, still relatively sane ('though probably that isn't saying much, considering I'm still so green in this working business...) and, surprisingly, kind of enjoying this tagging period.

But that's not the biggest surprise.

(Take note, people, because this is where I act all out-of-character that one may be compelled to accuse me of no longer being myself.) Here goes:

I am thankful that I went to UIA.

There, I said it.

Not to say that it's a perfect 10 in my books, but it's pretty close. And all the emotional trauma(?) and harsh words that HTAA had bombarded me with? Yeah, somehow it managed to toughen me up (so far, at least), that the current hospital I'm posted at is a welcoming change.

And need I go into the knowledge aspect? Not to say that I'm uberly awesome (haha, whut?), but at least I still have some rough idea on the whats and the whys. Other things just need time - and a lot of reading and refreshing.

So far Orthopaedic's pretty okay, but I have only followed one specialist's rounds so far, and there's a lot more to be seen and experienced. Then there's the bit about Ortho being the most relaxed posting compared to the rest, so it's good, right? I mean, this adapting business takes time, and what better to spend it in a posting that doesn't really demand much from you to begin with?

Those of you who are aware of my initial horror of being posted in Ortho (which went along the lines of "zOMGwhatonEarthwhyOrthoWHY!!!???") may now give me that knowing look and say, "I told you so!".

Regardless, at least I still got my raya break - probably more than I had hoped for, although the price is by no means small. I don't even know - better make the best of it, yes?

...And now, allow me to reminiscence on my experience in Ortho posting in my university student days while I wait for the night round.

Current Music: Seigi no Koe ga Kikoeru kai? - Hirata Hiroaki & Morita Masakazu

Compilations #12

1. So the issue now is - when shall we be called for work? (Called for induction, to be more accurate, but whatever - one thing leads to another!)
Personally, I don't really mind either way, but the issue that we're already late as it is still bites me. It's awfully unfair, and honestly, it's like the university never learn at all. Way to show your credibility, guys. As if we don't already hate you enough...
Or maybe I'm just the type who shows little enthusiasm. Paranoid much? Or is it something more?

2. Maybe I should stop thinking too much about writing. Lately it doesn't give me as much kick as it used to. Perhaps it's God's way of telling me, "Grow up, woman!" or something. Hmm...

3. These few days, I've been busy checking out some of the radio shows that Japanese VAs do. Despite the fact that I don't really understand a great deal of what they're saying - sort of enough, but I need more! - it still manages to make me grin like an idiot and burst out laughing like a maniac. They're having too much fun at their job, and their passion really shines through.
I'm sort of envious. Hoping that I can reach that level of passion for my job soon enough.
In any case, I can't be listening to the radio shows on my mp3 player in public. Wouldn't want people to stare at me strangely and wondering if I should be confined, away from supposedly sane people...

4. Also, I've been busy filling up documents - although probably 'busy' is such an undeserving overstatement. Every time, I can't figure out what to write under "Occupation".
It's like being stuck in between worlds, or something like that.

5. Dangit, country block!!

6. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was awesome. Needs more Draco though, or maybe that's just me...

Listening to: Bonus Track Intro ~Zenryaku Gake no Ue Yori Hizou Demo Ryuushutsu~ - Morita Masakazu, from Bleach B Station Volume 2