Gone

"I am lost without my Boswell" ~ Sherlock Holmes

At one point, it just disappeared.

God Knows how and when. Maybe not when...because I probably would not be so wrong if I were to put the date as around 1.5 years ago, when I took that leap forward into a new stage in this arena of life. In what is progress to others, it may be almost contrary in my own case.

As to the how...maybe I lost it, or maybe it's lost on me...Or maybe it was ripped away from my possession. It's kind of a slow process, nibbling on me little by little without even a sound to call attention upon its mischievous but all too devastating criminal activities...And I only started to be cognisant of the after-effects when the damage was overwhelmingly massive, that any hope of repair and thus return to the pre-morbid state is only a dream that is too difficult even to pursue.

It is beyond my recognition, much less my acceptance.

I had not the faintest idea that it would come to this. Like a nightmare that came true, except that the nightmare was actually forgotten prior to this.

This noxious bitterness, this repulsive amorality, this suicidal pessimism.

I rarely lose things, despite my lamentable (to some) habits. Yet the very things that I yearn to leave behind refuse to let go of me, to set me free from their evil clutches.

But one thing is for sure: I need to reclaim the things that I have lost, and time has not been kind to me.

While I wander aimlessly in the pitch darkness, time flies full speed ahead.

Tempus fugit.

----------------
Now playing: L'Arc~en~Ciel - Kaze ni Kienai de
via FoxyTunes

*insert incoherent sounds here*

1. My seminar is totally screwing me up in more ways than one. Don't disturb me in my sleep, I beg of thee!

2. Sometimes, one has to know when to stop after saying something wrong. The probability that the next words would only worsen the situation is close to 100% - especially if one is not known for waddling his or her way out in the past.

3. Just zip it. It's as simple as that.

4. If I'm not making any sense, then blame it on this seminar. And that I'm still wide awake even at 1.48am because it's the _only_ time the Internet is accessible owing to reduced traffic. Argh. *headdesk*

5. ...Methinks I'm going to miss Dermatology when it ends.

----------------
Now playing: Owl City - Fireflies
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #7

1. Done with Radiology for now. My eyes hurt, my head spins. Making sense of a spectrum of gray is taking its toll on me...
Next, dermatology. Ack.

2. Case reports. Thank goodness they're done with.

3. Can't wait to go back next weekend. Got a call from the bookstore saying that Caleb Carr's The Alienist that I ordered one month ago has finally arrived. If I weren't at the hospital when I received the call I would've squealed like a fangirl on helium (or sugar rush, whichever is higher in frequency).
I did manage to finish Caleb Carr's Killing Time one week after purchasing the book (deliberate delay on my part), but God Knows that after I shut the back cover of the book, I had some bad aftertaste lingering in my buccal cavity. That's not to say that the book was _bad_ - on the contrary, it was well-written, and it highlighted one of the major concerns of this so-called information technology age - but maybe that's exactly it; It rings true to the current scenario, and I shudder when I realise that I could be playing right into the enemy's field, just the way they wanted me to. Tsk.

4. On a positive note, the so-called Book Fair - not many books to choose from, but I suppose I'm in no place to complain - did manage to provide me with three books that were awesome bargains. It just shows that there could be hidden gems among the, uh, not-so-worthwhile.
...So what if I still am only two-thirds through Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, and halfway through Simon Winchester's The Professor and The Madman?

5. Methinks I should widen my choice of reading materials. Sure, crime and mysteries are intriguing, but they highlight the dark sides of people - one that is willing to trample over others just to get their way, and to satisfy their selfish needs and greed.
...Somehow I can't imagine myself reading chick lits or Twilight romance stuff. I need more intricate plots, more complex characters, and story development that blows one's mind.
And I want Dan Simmon's Drood.
Writing is difficult. Which is why I haven't written much lately.

6. I'm all out for technology, but reading books the old-fashioned way still beats eBooks.
The same goes to academic books, alas.

----------------
Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Naruto chapter 486 made me LOL (there's simply no other manner to describe it). Or rather, the reactions to that chapter... *snicker*

P/p/s: Am way behind Durarara!!...Maybe getting the DVD once it comes out would be a better option...

We All Falter - Albeit In Our Own Ways

It hurts.

It feels like you are stripped off from every single strand of thread that was, until mere moments ago, gracefully and proudly shielding your sense of self and dignity. And now, as you stood bare with your knees giving away, the weaknesses that you had tried only too hard to shelter from the knowledge of the rest of the world now fully highlighted and clamoured on, deemed as the very last things you've thought of them as - having taken the taxing measures to prevent them from devolving into sheer ugliness and sin that tarnish your soul and stain your reputation - and yet...

There was no defense to set up. Time did not allow such procedure, such luxury. Would I say that everything conspired against me for that faux pas I was too stupid to have overlooked during its process of conception? Even my second line of defense failed me - perhaps it was tiredness, or even the necessity to simply leave the scene - and before my mind could fully recognize the trouble that had surrounded me out of the blue, and how deep was the depths of despair that had swallowed me whole without warning, the damage was already done. The boat had left the coast, I could not bring it back.

A well-meant apology, would it suffice? Would it erase the bleak episode completely, and allow redemption to shine through, despite the fact that good will alone is powerless to nullify any despicable misconducts that had managed to seep through insidiously?

Or am I doomed to let the unappeasable, ever-gluttonous regret feast away on my trembling conscience, the remnants of my own person?

----------------
Now playing: Craig David feat. Sting - Rise & Fall
via FoxyTunes

P/s:
O Muse, thy insistence on theatricals knows no bounds!
If it could be directed towards the completion of my case reports,
How heartening it would prove to be!

Vacant Thoughts

1. "A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor" ~ Victor Hugo

"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything" ~ Floyd Dell

Idleness, akin to drugs,
Crawls discreetly, permeating,
In one's veins and nerves,
Filling out.

It weighs us down,
Blunts the mind,
And dims the soul.

~ (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010

2. That is not to say that the current block - Specialised posting, more specifically, Radiology - is like a walk in a park.
In fact, putting Radiology in perspective; It's seeing the world in black and white, and in between. But you still get more, from "a stack of coins", "bird's beak" or "bat's wings"...
Bored of the monochromes? Just add colour - in this case, dyes.

3. Anaesthesiology. Nice.
...Yet my case reports are still pending.

4. The weather's killing me. It's too hot to do anything, and I don't have to get a proper workout to deceive myself regarding my physical activities!

5. It seems that I have taken a backseat in my hobby, i.e. instead of writing, of late I've been compelled to take on the role of a reader...But who am I to complain, when I have high-quality reading materials at my disposal?

----------------
Now playing: Matsushita Yuuya - Trust Me
via FoxyTunes