Compilations #16

1. I have just lost whatever ounce of respect I once had, however negligible it was to begin with.

This may prove to be problematic in the long run.

Is this just my larger-than-life ego speaking? Or does it stem from my disappointment in those I call my superiors?

2. How is it possible to maintain one's niyyah and selflessness - keikhlasan - at work, when it feels like everything is working against you?

Dear God, let not every effort of mine be in vain in Thy Eyes.

3. Which is worse - no system or bad system? I honestly can't tell anymore.

I can't take all the stupidity around me.

4. Dunia dah terbalik...

5. Sometimes I think we don't match. We, who come from two different worlds, with different temperaments and whims.

But every time I hear your voice, my heart makes a little leap like a young puppy, and against my will a smile breaks through the iron facade that I put up.

When our eyes meet, a small part of me can't help feeling that I may not be good enough for you, and wonder what is it that you see in me, a simple girl with a disjointed view of the world. And so I tear my eyes away - reluctantly! - because I don't wish for you to see the sadness that threaten to show itself with each passing time.

Somehow I have a feeling that you know what you've done to me.

...Stop making me fall harder, darn you!

Also...I kinda hate that I'm missing you more than I should.

...I'm so bad at this sort of things, am I not?

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Intoxicated

Could this be a bipolar disorder in the making?

How does one maintain one's faith, one's optimism in something that is so incredible, so incomprehensible, so subjective to human knowledge? Is it enough to have intuition alone in the mere act of realizing it as what it is? In the face of adversity, how does one remain steadfast in one's aim?

All this is so new to me, and yet the pain - the pain is something that I'm familiar to, no thanks to my past 'experiences'. Take note, in this context familiar does not mean 'being accustomed to'...

It's difficult to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, lest I lose touch with reality, when I get swept off my feet with every little thing.

I hate this feeling. But if I were to be honest to myself, it's a thrill that I find myself craving for more. Is this why drug addicts find it difficult to give up their source of pleasure?

Dear God, I sound like a raging lunatic on a high, I'm starting to scare myself.

They say that one will fall as one learns to walk. But here I am, taken high up in the sky (not entirely without my consent, I must confess), but I'm too scared that I will fall, if it comes to that.

It might break me in more ways than one.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

Status Quo

The idleness will be the death of me, but to be honest, it will be duly missed once it ceases its reign, and I enslave myself to a life of responsibilities and serving the people, all in the name of answering His Call.

At times I wonder what is it that I've got myself into; Abandoning my interests and what essentially made me, me…will it bode well in the end? Or rather - will I survive the journey itself? Or will I be torn asunder by the gravity of the job, the multiple facades of people, and these turbulent times? Will my sanity maintain its steadiness, or will it finally crack under pressure?

Through all these, I hope God is with me, though undeserving I may be. God Forbid.

I have been writing a lot, although truth be told, most of them still reside in my head rather than in any tangible form. I've been spamming my Tumblr like there's no tomorrow, and similarly, busy deleting spams that somehow made it into my mailbox. Out, damn'd spam[1]!

The truth still stands, strong as ever. Writing is what I do. Thus my thoughts continue to wonder, what am I to do?

The differences between Arts and Science, the two are like estranged brothers, as different as night and day. While Science revels in the unrevealing of mysteries and the unveiling of truths, the Arts seem to reign supreme in the unknown and the irrepressible. How many tragedies written in the past were driven by people unable to contain their rage and rabid desires any longer? How comedies could bring joy to an otherwise murky world?

The two coexist in my head, a jungle of unexplored territories, a garden of juvenile hope, a dungeon of human fallacies, a stretch of plane where imagination takes many forms in turn?

Not to say that I regret my education thus far. But perhaps the Arts has not been given enough recognition it truly deserves, which goes beyond the superficial looks and the temporary glitters and greedy glamour? Even now, as idleness accompany my days, as I seek to amuse myself with whatever shows the television offered me, oftentimes that I found myself frowning in rebuke and scoffing with scorn.

Perhaps the tragedy of the Arts is that it's all, "been there, done that". Every cliche imaginable has been recycled that the effect has been lost, replaced by disappointment. The all reaching media ensures that there is a continuous stock of things that would feed the public's hunger for the hedonistic. And so what was left, except looks?

The problem of paper thin plots and gaping plot-holes are covered up by actors and actresses that are only pretty faces but are unable to act to save their lives. Tone deaf singers without much practice and wide range of abilities only need to ensure on looks to get them by. There are also gimmicks and cheap publicity stunts  that they used to boost up their popularity.

We are easily satisfied with mediocrity, and we become thirsty for more.

It is this quest for beauty that the public unwittingly get trapped in. People are not beautiful enough, not thin enough - but what is there to say about one's attitude?

"You're perfect as you are", or "Never change", or "Just be yourself". Yup, I've seen a lot of them on Tumblr.

While I'm not against positive advices, I do caution their use in situations. Such advices mentioned above are definitely not for those in dire need of a change of attitude.

There is a stench of haughtiness of "I'm good enough", as in the case of "I do as I please". Whatever happened to the quest of becoming a better person each day? Isn't that what growing up is supposed to amount to?

What goes around comes around - some people call it karma, but it's just God's Decree.

I apologize if this post had somehow trod on someone's toes, but it needed to be said. I assure you that all the rumination that I've done over this post hasn't actually relieved my conscience.

Current Music: Sadame - X TV OST

[1] - Parodied from Shakespeare's original work. Here is the real thing - Macbeth Act 5, scene 1:

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then
'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and
afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our
pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to
have had so much blood in him?

Lost Souls

Psychiatry posting, if anything, makes me more introspective of myself and the world as a whole, which subsequently leaves me in somewhat greater despair.

How cruel the world can be to the unsuspecting, to the naive. To the weak, a line of never-ending and brutal conundrum fired. And so we realise the fragility of sanity, the value of that which calls us human.

Where is the meaning? I know how people take my maxim of "searching for the meaning of life" or for the "truth" as a joke but...well, let's just say that life is, essentially, a search and eventually a discovery of our own selves, and of Him.

I want to be stronger than this. Because the world doesn't become nicer just because you tell her to.

Oftentimes I reflect back what I'd like to achieve, what I'd like to say I've picked up over the years, what I can proudly say I have survived. And yet temptations lead me, blindfolded in ignorance, far and away. But the call of "greater purpose" occasionally calls, beckoning me back...

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

~ Emily Dickinson

Current Music: Forget You – Glee Cast Cover

Baggage

She stares ahead of her, eyes bobbing from left to right then to left again, at the crowd milling about before her. Her bag lies nearby, but she makes no move to assert her claim over it.

"You should keep an eye on that, you know," I murmur. Hopefully it does not come out as too bossy for her tastes.

She is momentarily taken by surprise. She pulls it closer to her side; whether out of following my advice or out of suspicion as to what I could possibly be up to, it is difficult to tell.

"Fascinating, isn't it?" I ask.

"You think so?" she says, hesitant.

"Isn't it?" I repeat myself. "Here we are, in possibly one of the best sites to observe the general public as they are. Everyone has his or her luggage - some have more than the other - and they have a place to go. Except, perhaps..." I nod in one direction, where a young child stands, lost, glancing around her, looking as if she's going to burst into tears any moment now, "...those who are still uncertain of their path in life, still dependent on other people."

My companion looks relieved when the little girl rejoins her parents, and the trio disappear from view, joining the crowd.

"Where are you heading?" I ask conversationally.

She glances at her ticket. "I don't know for sure."

"No?"

She holds the item up for my benefit. Aside from certain details as the time and place to board, it is as good as empty.

"That doesn't look right," I remark, raising an eyebrow.

"It doesn't," she agrees monotonously.

After the pause, I hazard a question, "But you know where you want to go to, don't you?"

She scrunches her face, her forehead now wrinkling in cogitation. "Yes." She meets my eyes, her grip on the ticket tightening. "Very much so."

"Great. You know what to do, then."

She nods.

"And what it takes to get there."

"Quite so."

"There will be necessary sacrifices along the way. Naturally."

"Naturally," she echoes. She however uncaps her pen and begins jotting something down on her ticket. With that done, she pockets it away. She then unzips her bag, and begins taking out several things, one by one. Noticing my enquiring gaze, she explains simply, "There are things that we should just leave behind us, aren't there?"

"Yes. But they might come back to you, somehow. Some do that, you know. Kind of like...nightmares."

"They might, but for now, they're not needed." She pauses. "Or, rather, I don't need them. I know it for a fact. If they ever come back, I'll just rinse and repeat." When I get to my feet, she makes it her point to ask, "You're leaving already?"

"Yes."

"But you--" From the way she eyes my empty hands, it is enough a hint as to what she is getting at. "You already have everything you need?" she asks tentatively. And - if I may say so myself - doubtfully.

I manage a small smile. "Yes." Taking the first few steps away from her, I motion a wave. "I'll see you when you get there."

It takes her a couple of moments to reply, and I am already some distance from her. But from the determination in her voice as she yells out "It's a promise!", I probably have nothing much to worry about.

---

Work of fiction (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010.

Current Music: Everything is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack

Soredemo Chikyuu wa Mawatteiru

Even so, the Earth continues to spin. Title is based on the Shaft anime, Soredemo Machi wa Mawatteiru.

Everybody's watches, even though they may differ by up to ten minutes or more despite being in the same time zone, generally run in the same speed. One second on your watch should be of the same duration on mine.

Nonetheless this doesn't mean that our brains work at the same speed. Brains and physicals...basically everything else.

We each face different things in life. No matter how we find ourselves in the same situation, your perspective differ from mine. Experiences may be the same, but what we get from it, how it eventually shapes up, could mean a world of differences.

Time brings changes. Changes that could be good to some or to most, but damaging to the rest.

Sometimes we forget that we are adults. Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in revert us back to our former selves. Former ugly selves, ones that we thought we had vanquished aeons ago.

Regardless, I respect how people have their own demons - inner or outer demons - to face and to conquer. So I make it my business to not trouble people beyond what is necessary. Which probably makes me a tad dysfunctional, but what else is new?

I've long given up expectations, which explains why I tend to approach things with little to no enthusiasm, except in very select cases. This method has served me well...until things became worse than what I had anticipated.

I wanted to blame my lack of foresight, but I can't. Because there's no way of doing it without instigating a whole new load of angst, one which I'd probably could never handle for the life of me.

Playing hide and seek doesn't seem to work. It always finds me, most of the time at the most undesirable moment and company. While I'm busy juggling with life's challenges and all this emotional baggage, people move on and tend to assume that I'd be all right with _everything_ they decide on - even when their verdict affects me enormously.

I'm sick of hiding behind pleasantries when there is no justification for it. My rights need to be fought for, and nobody else is going to do it for me. It's probably not in their job description anyway.

It's a futile battle, but I can't go down without a fight. A civilised fight, at least to the best of my capabilities. If there is no space for a win-win situation, then so be it. But no way am I going to be satisfied with loss, because I've been compromising enough for far too long.

The game is on.

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Now playing: Carolina Liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For
via FoxyTunes

Broken

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.” ~ Stanley Lindquist

I used to be naive. Too naive for my own good.

The world, through my eyes, is too cruel. My rose-tinted glasses had shattered in its wake, and the shards pierce deep and painfully into my soles. Each step becomes more painful than the one before.

The knowledge doesn't make the journey any less painful. Despite the preparation, there will always be something - a weak point that will be the downfall of everything else. Like cotton candy torn to bits by a machine-gun gone amok. Or a small hole that will eventually be ripped open, wider and wider, that soon an entire forest of elephants could go through the opening.

I don't like being the target. A punching bag for hits of all sorts. When you have no artillery at your disposal for your defense - or, heck, even a brick wall - then all you can do is stand still, as still as whatever left of your dignity allows you, and take it all in your stride.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But this...this is poisoning slowly, that by the time the damage is beyond repair, I'd probably be in a vegetative state, or, simply put, have long snapped.


God Forbid though.

...That is all. For now.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Smoky Grey

I have other obligations to see to, but this entry insists that I get down to it before I attend to other more pressing matters.

Things were relatively simple in the old days. We only had a problem of quantity - namely, the amount of information that we get. Now? It's not so much on the amount - unless some narrow-minded imbeciles decide that excessive-but-badly-misplaced censoring, restricted-and/or-fabricated-journalism *cough*mainstreammedia*cough*, and highly offensive blogs are the keys to successful rule and maintaining influence - but it's the quality that we should worry about.

Academically speaking, there're textbooks and journals and other literature. Some people frown upon simple search engines or online encyclopedia e.g. Wikipedia, eMedicine, and even Google (not Google Scholar, mind you). And that's just the serious issues.

Of course there are the unnecessary piece of information that we possibly could do without. The problem is to some, these information are their bread and butter, their daily requirement.

Now's not a problem of lack of information. Rather, it's the over-abundant and ambiguous information. If people in the past used to have to travel far and wide to seek for a teacher, now we're stuck having to confirm every bits and pieces of whatever data we have managed to procure so far before we can say anything.

One good thing about the Net is that everyone can contribute. The downside? Everyone can contribute whatever rubbish they have to say, if they feel like it.

And don't even get me started with the newspapers. I'm starting to think that the only worthwhile page in the paper would be the comics section.

I once advised a patient not to read the newspapers. Reason? She was hypertensive and I said (joked?) that reading tragic and gruesome news wouldn't exactly be safe for the heart. But yeah, we must know about other occurrences elsewhere - if only to realise that the world today is not as safe as we'd like to think.

Anyhow, the idea is this - the world, through my eyes, has never been more grey. I can't see the demarcation, and I only find out that I've transgressed the limits that the general public had dictated only after the act.

To some, reasons sound like excuses. Humility like stupidity, and over-confidence as an over-inflated ego.

We believe what we want to believe, most of the time. Blinded by prejudice won't really help improve things.

I want to believe that there is light at the end of this long, shadowy tunnel...but my torchlight's running out of battery and my limbs out of energy. The mind has started to take over, materialising evil trolls that appear to multiply in number.

I do wish I have a bazooka to shoot down all the stigma though. Only, I might end up blowing other things as well - like the foundation of the tunnel, which in the end would only bury me in too deep...

...where there will be no air, no light.

...No salvation.


Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liars

The Simple(r) Life

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

What if everything that you have ever known or thought that you believed in whole-heartedly - was in fact wrong? Would you say that you were tricked by those delusions? Or would you say that they spawned from ignorance, and now you are freed from those lies - only that you're already leaping across a huge chasm; falling into it means being swallowed alive with no hope raising above and seeing the light, while reaching the other side means facing the great unknown, the indomitable evil within and outside, brutes who are only too eager to bring you down?

Maybe my thinking is a bit too radical, too alien for this part of the world, this community I'm living in. How I came to the realisation that I feel more comfortable working alone compared to dealing with people of all sorts was a shock. I've never thought I'd have this kind of predicament before - whatever happened to the me of yore, who was able to freely achieve things that the current me is still finding the courage to?

And yet when my old friends remarked that I "haven't changed a bit", part of me just wanted to laugh bitterly. Oh, if only they knew...

I missed those days that I did not have to worry about trifles, and how Chance never appeared to me like a looming spectre, eager to grasp me in his claws and tear me apart, and how Uncertainty never laughed at my fumbling in a B-grade sitcom.

If I could go back in time to see the younger version of me, I would engage her in a long, long talk. One that probably would convert her to the current me a bit sooner, but probably would save her the trouble in the long run.

But no! There is no way to turn back the clock. Gone are those days when we could laugh easily and look forward to a brighter, more promising day ahead. In retrospect, those problems that we faced as children were tantamount to nothing - entirely insignificant - to those that we face now. Perhaps the same will ring true when our future self puts our current self in juxtaposition.

It's irreversible. Why is it that we can't seem to learn!?

We only have the Past as our teacher, the Present as our arsenals, and the Future as our spoils of war, a trophy that embodied the blood and tears that we had put into. And we put ourselves - perhaps so much more! - at stake in this great battle.

Ah, the power of belief...so influential, yet so incorrigible.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Relatively Speaking...

Some things are just beyond me.

I recall a conversation I had once with a good friend of mine during secondary school, in which I remarked that I'd consider Einstein to be more ingenious if he could put his explanations in simpler terms. She replied that it's because he was such an unparalleled genius that his thinking exceeds that of an average person's, hence the capability to think of things that we the little people could never think of.

Well, I _was_ a young, unmindful teenager back then. Maybe I was at fault for not bothering to find a simpler explanation for his Theory of Relativity. But never mind - my physics-depraved mind no longer swings that way after having four years stripped away from that privilege.

Everybody moves at his or her own pace. Keeping up with them can be tough - not to say that social networks make it easier. I mean, my FB is just like a Touch-and-Go sensor - I go online and only if I feel like it (which is rare, tbh) I sign in, then I sign out. Call me a bad friend, whatever, but the truth is, there's too many things for me to read there. God Knows if it's my short attention span, but I'd be honest to you - I just can't catch up. May I blame the time lapse?

Some people move too fast for me, some people just dropped out of communication. So does yours truly.

Is it okay to lag behind in certain aspects? Some are racing like their lives depend on it, some are taking a stroll to just enjoy the view. No matter how it may appear to you, I like having things to my rhythm - it feels like it would agree more to how nature and fate would eventually unfold themselves, to open up to my comprehension and wait for my appropriate (or inappropriate?) response.

But I dream a dream that will forever be unfulfilled. Because the Earth travels in her own speed, her own direction - and the pace in some places is established by superiors who probably are not worth the dime they're paid.

I do wish people would understand this entire "personalised rhythm". Of course, we can't forever demand things to be the way we want them to be. Perhaps adults work around this by either a) taking the initiative to make change or progress, or b) just keep their mouths shut and move on. It's the brats who complain, isn't it? Or so they say.

But I quote a line in a book by Will Thomas that I find suitable to retort to a certain opinion people have with this meagre bundle of pixels in the vast number of other webpages on this virtual landscape; "Complaining is the only civilised form of regress".

Naturally, there will only be chaos if everyone instills his or her own brand of direction and speed - because such an effect would only bring disorder.

Why is it that there's no proper traffic light to regulate the traffic in one's life?

How does one live when he is powerless amidst the Present, yet intimidated by the Past and fearful of the Future?


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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Anti-climax

1. I don't want to sound haughty if I were to quote a certain fictional character saying "My mind rebels at stagnation"...But it does. Put up an awful row in my head too.

Why so? Because the rebellion doesn't end with the cessation of idleness. It intrudes into work as well. It's a feeling like you fail to move into higher gear when you and your car both know it just had to be done. It's frustrating to you and the other drivers, and it's damaging to your car in the long run. Oh, to yourself too, because of the stress that you develop will manifest as hypertension some day (Heaven forbid!).

2. Just a little bit more till the finishing line. It's already the last lap, and it doesn't really seem like I'm giving it my all...

3. I don't want to say "Things could have been better" in fear of sounding ungrateful, but after all this...the tiny voice in my head refuses to concur to just shake that darn feeling off.


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Now playing: ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D - Complication
via FoxyTunes

P/s: I was just thinking the other day that one of the very few things that made me value Wordpress above Blogger is the former's allowing one to hide the rest of his/her blog entry behind a link, so that a post doesn't appear too lengthy. As it turns out, Blogger now supports this feature as well. So I went ahead and studied this page to see how it's done, and modified some of my old entries with it.
Of course, some entries are nicer to be spared from this treatment - it's easier to read everything in one page without having to open up another tab or leave the current page.

Where Between the Two Extremes?

Alternative title: When advertisements get me thinking - seriously.

I rarely watch television. There's a wider selection of watchable, readable materials available online and searching the WWW beats browsing the television schedule or waiting for your show to air.

Also, advertisements. Pop-ups are more annoying than television ads I suppose, but I pay more attention to the latter - which really isn't saying much though - and few of them are actually capable to force some sort of a thinking hat on my head. Take, for instance, a certain Mountain Dew ad.

Notice that tiny caption at the lower right corner? It took my third scrutiny to figure what it says. First time: I caught sight of the action onscreen and turned away. Second: the stunts sent me thinking, 'Wait, aren't they supposed to warn the public not to reproduce such dangerous acts?' Third: 'Oh, wait, they actually did...'
Fourth, after hearing my companion's remark that the advertisement portrayed the stunt in a light that could mislead the viewer that one could get away with only minor injuries, my thoughts then retorted that some people could be overestimating themselves in terms of their professional abilities. My other companion, on the other hand, said that those stunts were probably fabricated by means of graphic programs and such.

Imagine, for instance, if someone didn't notice the warning. Or, the size of the font was not strong enough to leave an impression that those death-defying acts are more of pure lunacy instead of one heroic display?

To some, the two might be one and the same. Not in this case, it isn't.

Compare the Mountain Dew ad to that of Ridsect. Usually the ad would begin with 'Attention, this is a mosquito insecticide advertisement' done in huge white fonts with a black background, then the scene would shift to someone being harassed by those noisy flying nuisance. Until now I don't see why the warning is necessary - there are mosquitoes, mosquitoes terrorising a household, mosquitoes getting doused by the spray administered by one who doesn't really need to be a sharpshooter, mosquitoes falling down, murdered in the name of protecting one's loved ones. Yup, pretty straightforward piece of message there, folks.

In life sometimes our attention is diverted elsewhere, to things that are more intriguing, fascinating and...profitable. For instance, the prospect of accumulating more money is more appealing to the general public than of donating a substantial amount to charity. Or, in simpler examples, movies that feature out-of-this-world CG animations or beautiful airheads who cannot act to save their lives to cover for shallow stories that have otherwise very little to sell. (I'm thinking of Avatar here...and those numerous shows/events that rely on scantily clad women - even men too, come to think of it - that gladly allow themselves to be degraded to mere objectification of sex...)

That's the sign that the End - be it the world's or our own wellbeing, our morality - is approaching, fast.

Back to the ads. What does it take to hold your attention? Would it be one that is small in comparison to the bigger (and more constant) picture? Or a message that is simple, clear enough but temporary?

I myself couldn't give a definite answer. I do appreciate subtlety and metaphors, but I know that the dangers of being swept away by those aesthetics are very much real in my case. And, as anyone could tell, the nature of my blog itself - imbued with double meanings, imageries and, at other times, overshadowed by obscurities - shows that I view writing as an art in which effort is a rule. For me, finishing much less looking for fictional novels can be a tedious task to bask in!

But those wake-up calls are needed too. It's like an alarm clock that rescues you from those nightmares that tease your imminent rise from bed.

In life's lessons, perhaps simplicity would drive the point home; even so our lack of memory may eventually make a detour to other if not similar mistakes. Art, meanwhile, celebrates the glorious marriage of stark simplicity and knotty intricacies. But in dealing with people - who themselves, for better or for worse, are a motley bunch with individual quirks and touchiness - there're no hard and fast rules.

...Ah, such is the world we live in. Otherwise we'd be long dead bored from uniformity and predictability, and offended by bluntness; or utterly confused by dubiety, put off by complexities, and hypertensive from all the stress of trying to make sense of things that twist our logic.


Current Music: Falling Down - Oasis

P/s: Not affiliated with the brands mentioned above. Merely used them to prove a point...

Compilations #9

1. Oxymoronic

Simply amazing.

How silence can convey more than words could. There's facial expressions, of course, and the glimpse of emotions that is finely entwined in those few yet curt words issued.

Like, one may be able to sense that something is up when one walks into a meeting room overtaken by silence, and the people within are muted for whatever reason. Those wearing their poker faces may prove to be a challenge, but then look at the surroundings - if people wouldn't talk, evidence would, in their own way.

Or when one can figure out something is afoot when two people who are close suddenly wouldn't even trade words.

Or when one whose verbose nature suddenly takes a total change.

You don't have to be a genius to decipher those descriptive, explanatory silence. Just a bit more perception, sensitivity and...humanity, really.

2. Norms and Imprisonment

Some habits are hard to break, regardless of whether or not there's insight on how destructive said habits could be.

For instance, nicotine in cigarette makes the person dependent on its very existence in his/her bodily system. The same goes for drugs. Without it being part of the subject, it doesn't feel right, doesn't feel whole.

Tolerance; The old doses just won't work anymore to achieve the same effect, the same amount of 'high'. Addiction; there will always be the want for more.

The smoker or IV drug user might know he - overgeneralisation of sex here, not because I'm a sexist - is slowly killing himself and, indirectly, those closest to him, but he could not help himself. His self-control is already weak, waning with every passing second and with subsequent dose of his unlawful brand of pleasure.

I'm not condoning this behaviour. It's repulsive, it's degrading. The unspeakable loss of humanity.

What of habits then?

Would you say it's something akin to drugs and nicotine? Does it deserve to have its own designated term, such as habitoholics, such as alcoholics with their alcoholism? Are we conditioned in a way that it is irreversible, or at the very least, any future editing or modification processes will be unduly met with strong resistance?

Why is it so hard to change even when we know it has to be done!?

3. Malpositioned

Is there an honourable place in today's world for a Jack of all trades but master in none?

We can't all be what we yearn to be. Not all dreams become reality. Some live their dreams, some keep on dreaming and just that...no more. It ends once we start our eternal slumber.

Then again, so do most things.

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Now playing: OneRepublic - Made For You
via FoxyTunes

In Retrospect

Once upon a time, we heard a tale, which I shall translate here for your reading pleasure.

A young man uses his motorbike to go to work and to return home. Such is his daily routine...and because material things in this life don't last forever, one unfortunate day, he finds his motorbike in disrepair.

The narrator of this tale later enjoined us listeners to imagine how the young man must have felt at the time. One audience answered "Depressed" - or something to that effect - and the narrator rebutted with "Half-dead" (in verbatim, "Separuh mati!").

At the time, shallow that I was - or maybe just dead bored - I agreed. But after what happened yesterday, when my feathers were ruffled more than twice in rapid succession and my sleep disturbed (crankiness ensued), I had to ponder back...

...because sometimes we minorities don't get enough voice that we deserve.

More beyond this field of vision »

We All Falter - Albeit In Our Own Ways

It hurts.

It feels like you are stripped off from every single strand of thread that was, until mere moments ago, gracefully and proudly shielding your sense of self and dignity. And now, as you stood bare with your knees giving away, the weaknesses that you had tried only too hard to shelter from the knowledge of the rest of the world now fully highlighted and clamoured on, deemed as the very last things you've thought of them as - having taken the taxing measures to prevent them from devolving into sheer ugliness and sin that tarnish your soul and stain your reputation - and yet...

There was no defense to set up. Time did not allow such procedure, such luxury. Would I say that everything conspired against me for that faux pas I was too stupid to have overlooked during its process of conception? Even my second line of defense failed me - perhaps it was tiredness, or even the necessity to simply leave the scene - and before my mind could fully recognize the trouble that had surrounded me out of the blue, and how deep was the depths of despair that had swallowed me whole without warning, the damage was already done. The boat had left the coast, I could not bring it back.

A well-meant apology, would it suffice? Would it erase the bleak episode completely, and allow redemption to shine through, despite the fact that good will alone is powerless to nullify any despicable misconducts that had managed to seep through insidiously?

Or am I doomed to let the unappeasable, ever-gluttonous regret feast away on my trembling conscience, the remnants of my own person?

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Now playing: Craig David feat. Sting - Rise & Fall
via FoxyTunes

P/s:
O Muse, thy insistence on theatricals knows no bounds!
If it could be directed towards the completion of my case reports,
How heartening it would prove to be!

Vacant Thoughts

1. "A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor" ~ Victor Hugo

"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything" ~ Floyd Dell

Idleness, akin to drugs,
Crawls discreetly, permeating,
In one's veins and nerves,
Filling out.

It weighs us down,
Blunts the mind,
And dims the soul.

~ (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010

2. That is not to say that the current block - Specialised posting, more specifically, Radiology - is like a walk in a park.
In fact, putting Radiology in perspective; It's seeing the world in black and white, and in between. But you still get more, from "a stack of coins", "bird's beak" or "bat's wings"...
Bored of the monochromes? Just add colour - in this case, dyes.

3. Anaesthesiology. Nice.
...Yet my case reports are still pending.

4. The weather's killing me. It's too hot to do anything, and I don't have to get a proper workout to deceive myself regarding my physical activities!

5. It seems that I have taken a backseat in my hobby, i.e. instead of writing, of late I've been compelled to take on the role of a reader...But who am I to complain, when I have high-quality reading materials at my disposal?

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Now playing: Matsushita Yuuya - Trust Me
via FoxyTunes

Open Season in the Mountains

There will often come a time when we are stripped of our personal protection gear, to be held hostage or as an open target for others - more often than not, those people whom we are inferior to, and almost automatically cower in fear due to this vulnerability felt in their mere presence - to open fire at us, at least in the form of words. I say words, because "verbal abuse" would be too over the top, with no reflection over the true situation and, decidedly, very much unjust especially if said words are most deserving to the recipient. God Forbid notwithstanding!

Clinical exams are one thing, viva is another. Speaking from past experience in third year - not much, but sufficient to quote to prove one's point - as one stood with the examiner, it felt as if the rest of the ward melted away to a state of nothingness; a mere backdrop, and whatever sound, movements and hustling about faded to make room for the one who would decide if the student before him/her was competent and knowledgeable enough to pass and move on to the next stage. Although one may be able to still stand properly and tread away with a normal gait, these are no helpful indicators of the nervousness that permeated throughout one's internal milieu; indeed, tachypnoea, diaphoresis, tremor, pre-hypertensive blood pressure readings, chest pain, headaches, aberrant patterns on ECG, and some other deviation from the accepted standard of normalcy within the medical field may very well manifest themselves.

A form of adrenaline rush that had never failed to knock one over regardless of his or her own preparation prior to the event.

More beyond this field of vision »

Tunnel Vision

"The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance - and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning" - Oprah Winfrey

Source

We're blessed with stereoscopic vision as opposed to panoramic; the former enables one to gauge depth and distance at the expense of reduced field of vision.

Combine this anatomical advantage with the outstanding capabilities of the grey cells - plus guidance from God - we're supposed to be fully equipped to face the challenges the world has to offer, whatever form it may be. In an ideal world, or at least in theory.

It's like as I grow older and my eyes opening wider to take in the surroundings, the cruel world surfaces little by little, each discovery more shocking and disturbing than the previous. At times I shudder to think what sort of bleak future awaits mankind down the road. Or if I can see any future at all. Is it there in the first place?

The integral factor in this is focus. No matter how overwhelming things can be, the rule is keeping your eyes on what is truly important, what shines above the rest, and those that help in self-improvement and in securing a brighter future.

Maybe a little "figurative tunnel vision" is good. It keeps those troublesome diversions out of sight, so that the more significant aims become the highlight of the show.

Of course, there's still the danger of being narrow-minded instead...

Current Music: You Don't Miss Your Water ('Til the Well Runs Dry) - Craig David

P/s: Two differential diagnoses for bilateral temporal hemianopia are pituitary adenoma and craniopharyngioma.

Beating A Hasty Retreat

"When defeat is inevitable, it is wisest to yield" ~ Quintilian

There are times that test our credibility and integrity as who we are.

There are times that the Hard and Awful Truth comes and pulls us back from the dreams that we lull in, to knock some sense into our already thick skull, that we are still essentially powerless over things, and that without proper preparation and dear God's Grace, we are reduced to meek, sitting targets on the vast battlefield, alive but until when? When things turn against you, would you have enough strength and willpower to push forward, despite your zero arsenal?

Is lost hope recoverable? Or do we allow it to sink into oblivion forever?

Current Music: Marukaite Chikyuu (HRE Version) - Konno Jun

火焔

They say to never play with fire.

In its petite form, we admire the beauty it glowers with, the warmth it radiates. It's what keeps us warm and fuzzy on cold nights, the light that illuminates us in the dark, the symbol of celebration as fireworks light up the dark sky in dazzling colours.

Fire can turn into foe in but a split second, reducing to ashes everything that dares to stand in its way, evolving into wildfire as it devours its unsuspecting prey.


It rises to the sky, majestic yet menacing, and we are reminded that there are some things that we cannot fight empty-handedly.

It's painful when the flame licks your outreached finger. With no luck, a scar marks the place as an unwanted memento of the experience.

The burning doesn't last indefinitely. When air is exhausted, the chemistry runs out, and the now timid flame breathes no more.

It leaves despair even after it is gone, the memories vivid, the aftermath real. The lingering smoke, thick and gloomy, can still suffocate.

Do we pick up the pieces on the charred ground and start anew? Or do we leave everything behind, running towards another light? Will that light promise a better outcome?

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

...Looks like distancing is the solution. I wonder how long it'll be until I become famished and malnourished though...

Current Music: Sweet Dreams - Beyonce