Fe

Fe
the chemical element iron

Iron
1 a strong, hard magnetic silvery-gray metal, the chemical element of atomic number 26...

Irony
adj of or like iron
noun the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect
- a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result
---Oxford American Dictionary

And thus, from the above collation, Fe is the element to describe my life.
While my minitest II results is yet to be out, judging from my emotional state and how I responded to the paper in what could be one of the longest one hour of my life (possibly due to my lack of confident answers...), these are my laws lest history repeats itself (be it in exams or other matters) and pummel my subconscious self (and my self-esteem along with it) to subsea levels...
1. Don't _ever_ discuss _anything_ before the paper - Paranoia is bad news
2. Don't work _too_ hard - Over-exerting thyself leaves exhaustion for the real feat
3. Anticipate, but don't hope or play 'spot the question' - because when I try to become optimistic, reality falls on me like stone rain
4. Never expect others to conform to your expectations, nor should you hope for their sympathy - Trust me, it rarely works.
5. Let it go - If it is meant to be yours, then God will grant it for you
6. Give and take - It is true, but not necessarily in the simplest of ways
7. Avoid regret
8. Over-confidence is evil
9. Correct timing is imperative
10. Believe in Heaven

Current Music: Time's Scar

How Normal is Normal?

Got a psychological case for our PBL for this week. A case of a drug-abuser (or, if you'd rather have a 'milder' description of it, call it 'substance abuser'...) who was caught committing multiple crimes and, as it turned out, is actually anti-social.
The fact that I could not reach the diagnosis early (aside from the fact that we learnt too little of psychology to _see_ it as a personality disorder...and name it with unbeatable accuracy) is that I saw it as normal.

Yes, to my perception, beating up one's own mother and stealing her jewelry for money (to buy drugs and alcohol) is perfectly normal, as far as criminal minds go.

That is to say, people with strong superego and subdued id should not go beat their mothers and take their belongings, whether they're wealthy or not.

I blame my utter inhuman take on humans on the news and crappy dramas.

Take it this way: Revenge is perfectly normal. Take old Cantonese movies for example (no offence, please! Some of them are really entertaining compared to sappy soap operas...). One plot that comes to mind (although, I wonder if it was really from a Cantonese movie/drama...) is how a student seeks to avenge his master's death. Yup, and as the show proceeds, you, as the audience, are slowly hypnotised to support this noble cause of the hero's. Forget about forgiveness.

No, I'm not exhibiting any anti-social tendencies!

I admit that I'm so sick of the human race. Well, not humans per se, but more to their stupidity and lack of conscience. I mean, okay, so they say emotions develop first (since the cerebrum - our thinking sphere, so to speak...develops later than our hindbrain) but that's still no reason for humans to act merely by following their emotions!

So why on Earth am I in this course? One that is supposed to be for the greater good of the people?

Truth is, I don't know. I like doing people-related stuff, but I dislike a good deal of people. I find close relationships to be rather suffocating, but still, my innate predisposition (...rather, it's in almost everyone) calls out for socialising. When I say relationship, I'm not only narrowing it down to non-platonic ones, mind you. Why else would you think I find Friendster absolutely restraining?

I still take risks. I still go against what I should not be doing. Is that the rebel in me trying to take control?

They say medical students are most susceptible to mental or personality disorders. It's common to have one or two from a batch of students coming down with a disorder in the course of their studies or, even, way after graduating. I suppose all this stress is bottled up and just when you can't take it anymore, it explodes like the Krakatao.

People are people. They do things for their own benefit, just like you for your own. And when I rebel against something, it's usually because I see that my rights are being violated.

Then again, everyone wants his or her own rights, forgetting the responsibility that comes with it.

But partially, it's human! See the Iraqis...They want to kick the intruders out because it's their country. They saw that enough damage has been done, so why don't the army just pack up and leave before they bomb the country to bits and pieces?

Simple answer. The invaders want the country itself.

Taking it on a more universal level, it's human to want something in return for a good deed one has done for others. Yeah, there's God's pleasure to be content with but please, seriously...We rarely feel content without wanting something good that we can see/feel immediately in return.

In other words...If you give someone something, you expect to get something that's worth the same value at one point or another.

Maybe it's just me. I believe in justice...but I guess my timing is all wrong. God is Just.

Compared to His, ours is nothing.

We can't always have our way. This ain't Heaven, for God's sake.

Current Music: The Meaning of Peace - BoA & Koda Kumi

Whee, going back for the weekend. Need to go shopping for several stuff (which are, however trivial they may seem to appear, essential for my current condition and, unfortunately, are not available in this measly part of the world). I wonder if I'll get to watch Death Note - knowing my high standards, I might end up feeling disappointed. I actually did with Da Vinci Code (perhaps, being me, the highest enjoyment was because it was a book rather than in the form of a movie).
And I need to get off of this Bleach marathon! I watched five (or was it six? I lost count...) episodes last night, four on the night before, and four before that.
Funnily, I can actually tolerate Inoue more than Haruno Sakura of Naruto, despite her assets being more of a fanservice than Sakura can ever be/achieve. And I'm actually okay with the idea of IshidaxInoue...!

Anyway, a checklist on the songs that I need to get:
1. Houki boushi (Bleach 3rd ED)
2. Arigatou (I might get the name wrong, but it's Bleach 2nd ED)
3. D-technolife (tv-version)

Moreover, I wish a messy, most painful, most undignified, most tortuous death to virus/trojans/worms/spywares/other malicious programmes on the globe, and on the Net.
I'm using the computer in one of the computer labs in campus, and it just detected a worm called VB.AGQ. Thank Heavens I didn't plug Mika in.

conflict

I've always regarded myself as a hadharah, since more often than not, I always find most badhawah mindset too absurd, too conservative for my tastes.

While it is probably true that religion can never stand in a hadharah society, in today's reality, human development as a whole might have it difficult in a badhawah society.

If we're too stringent in our lives, we will never learn to adapt. We won't have any qualms about following the norms blindly, rather than experiment. Empirically, we learn through trial and error.

Perhaps, it's a matter of trust.

Logically speaking, hadharah society lacks trust in comparison to badhawah.

In that case, I'd say the problem right now is that we're hadharah only in terms of material and emotions, but as far as reason is concerned, it's still in badhawah state.
First world facilities with third world thinking, huh? In the end, it's the third world thinking that will put the brake in the first world facilities, which will subsequently result in halting our progression. We then regress, going from third world to fourth world. De-civilisation, and from there...back to the Stone Ages.

(Maybe, symbolically speaking, we're already in the Stone Ages, seeing that our ego, our adamance, our obsessiveness with doing things our way even though it's not a hundred-percent foolproof, et al. are already harder than stone...)

True, although things thus far have been smooth, there's no guarantee that it'll be so forever.

Likewise, it's true that any drastic change that one tries to apply to the situation will only aggravate the entire story.

Who knows? One's act of correcting might, in fact, cause the exact opposite that nobody wanted.

So, being human, we act. Although, depending on our logic or our feelings, it still boils down to what kind of personality do we have in the first place.

It is said that behaviours may change, but personality is firmly rooted. Since I've only had barely over a month of psychology lectures, that is all I can say in fear I err too badly.

Don't expect people to change too easily over a short period of time. In essence, it's still the same person you deal with, and you're still you.

Just when you thought that you're broken free of the chains, they tighten around your limbs, your neck. You're suffocating, but you can't cry out for help. No one's around to help you anyway, even if they want to. Bruises all over. Then your vision of the world around you dims, and before you knew it, it's pitch black. Just before that, you're no longer sure if you'll wake up later, or if you're still breathing at all.

It's scary, isn't it? Reality bites.

Current Music: Hachimitsu - Spitz

reality

I usually don't really bother with personality tests, but when said test is set by psychologists, then you know it's time to sit up straight and listen up.

And as an INFP (which only represents 1%), at first it was hard to digest. I mean, despite the fact that I follow my feelings and intuition more often than I would care to admit it, to think that I rarely think (relative to employing my gut feelings) is enough to send me into doubts. Whether I can pull everything off without royally screwing things way too much.

But they say that relying on feelings isn't scientific enough. Understandable, since the scientific community insists on hard core facts rather than "I have a feeling that...".

Of course, the bit about INFPs possibly having an "unhappy childhood" made me ponder and recall the past.

I wouldn't say that it was unhappy, but say what you will, I'm more inclined to remember the shadows rather than the delights. Perhaps I have been to critical of myself from the start, so I am who I am today because of my past.

Of course, it is said that personalities can change. I suppose we'll have to see it for ourselves to really understand the reality of ourselves.

sukoshi

It is said that business is a noble profession. Now? Not all of them.
Focusing on clean businesses (likewise, I'll not be referring to liquors and other irreligious commodities), we as the consumers respect the fact that those who participate in this form of dealings need to make money (aye, aye, that axiom of money makes the world go 'round comes to mind) but we, as consumers, have equal rights on our own money, and how we choose to spend it (of course, as long as we follow His Commands in spending...). But!
Charging me an unreasonable price is unforgivable. And don't give me that rubbish about chickens being damn expensive - especially when I'm referring to my freaking meagre amount of rice.
I hate interacting with close-minded people.

Current Music: Kaze ni Natte - Moriyama Naotarou

P/s: Thank God for His unparalleled Generosity. I passed the exam - even though I had screwed it...So there is Hope, perhaps.
But this is no excuse for me to lax around, of course. It'll get tougher as my life goes on so...Saa! New strategies, new artilleries, new soldiers for new battles!
Banzai.

P/p/s: Yosh! Got Laruku's Link and Yui's Life in the end!

streak

The time for me to leave my life of comfort is nigh. Back to my torture chamber.
Confucius, in his Analects once said that "A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar". So it hit me straight in my face.
I've always thought that I'm different (read: abnormal), in that some general rules that apply to mankind is incompatible with me. I believe that one can still beat the odds when one's fully relaxed i.e. in comfort. I believe that when I'm not truly comfortable with the situation I'm in, it takes away my focus from the main problem at hand. And that will bring dire consequences.
The downside of that is...it leaves me static. Meaning, it puts a limit to my variables. Providing a certain code - I have to be in this state at this specific place in this certain state of mind to perform - practically limits my capabilities as a whole.
In the end, no matter what, I'm still restrained, by these inherent chains.
So what choice do I really have? Do what I can and pray for the best?
For now, maybe that's the only way.

On a brighter note...I need Hachimitsu to Clover @ Honey and Clover. Maybe, if it's meant to be, I'll just rent it or something. Plot-wise the story is typical but...the strongest point is the characters (yup, that's what the reviewers said, and I agree!). Morita Shinobu is simply _hilarious_! And the anime managed to bring a smile to me, even when I was utterly down, down, down...

And what have I 'achieved' during my 10 days of break? I could only remember allocating time for my depression episodes, sleep (sleep, and more sleep...), reading non-academic stuff, watching tv (animes! I'm in heaven on Earth!) and...yes, downloading like crazy! It's a pity I never got Laruku's Link MV (or...Yui's Life, just for the whim of it...), since megaupload is being such a pain. And Kotani Kinya sounded different in Blaze, compared to his earlier songs - I couldn't recognise him!
But all good things must come to an end. And so must this entry too (not that it actually passes as a 'good thing'...Really. In the future, I'll look back to my past and...I'll get humiliated all over again. Erk!).

Current Music: Arigatou - BON'z

err

When you make a decision, the only way for you to know if it's the correct one would be some time after the decision-making period. Like Robert Frost's The Road not Taken.
So have I totally screwed up my life just because I'm where I'm not supposed to be?
Not really. There's still space to put up a fight to retaliate. I mean, others are in a much more...screwed up situation.
...and as cliched as it may be, there's might be a silver lining in this cloud.
Next issue...I think my mind is starting to have a mind of its own. God. It's thinking of what I should _not_ be thinking. I mean, hey...I'm already giving insufficient time to think of purposeful matters and now...it's using my brain's glucose that is meant for academic purposes!
Maybe I've been exerting it too much in the past...three months. Never mind that I haven't stretched it to the limit (not even halfway...God, I've been spoiling it silly!) but still! It should be up and running whenever I need it to! It should be at my beck and call! It's _me_, for God's sake!
...Sigh.

Current Music: Falco - Shimatani Hitomi

Random

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

...Eh?
Anyway. Back to my manga-reading...I'll deal with my Anatomy post-exam revision later, once my mood returns. Right now it's on a journey around the world...Just to annoy the wits out of me.

Current Music: Answer - Glay feat. Himuro Kyousuke


P/S: Recently found out that Himuro Kyousuke and I share the same birthday. He's not Gackt but...Saa, now I'm talking nonsense. I think I'm starting to get obsessed with this music. Somebody pinch me.

Karma

"You can't think about things you want to change. Just be yourself" - Ethan Embry

Never, in my whole entire life, have I felt this degree of depression and worthlessness.
So it was my fault - to some extent. To say that things did not go my way isn't so far from the truth either.
That set me thinking.
Why were we taught to never blame others, but blame ourselves in any negative event?
Blaming oneself is depressing, and is a great way to pressurize oneself. Aren't we supposed to NOT be too hard on ourselves? I suppose that only counts in terms of being able to forgive yourself for your defects.
Never blame others...perhaps it serves as a tool to maintain your social networks. That is, if one is compelled to blame everyone and everything else and neglects his/her own role in said problem, then...I don't think he/she'll have that many friends, if any.
In conclusion, from what I am able to deduce from this so-called code...If you blame yourself, then there's a higher chance of mending/turning the tables, since we can only control ourselves and not anybody else.
(Of course, I must stress that in my case, it'll be difficult to change myself. There's a reason why I'm so hardheaded, and there's another reason why I fear change).
Back to my predicament.
For the first time. I have utterly screwed my exams that any fragment of chance for it to be un-screwed has been sucked up by cosmic-sized black holes into a Land of Nothingness.
Of course, I still pray for Good. Now that I have done my part (not entirely to the best of my 100% capabilities, but for an amateur...I'd say I deserve some forgiveness from myself and...those who are willing to forgive me), everything is up to God. Sure, it's predestined, but not knowing the future...While it can give one hope, one should also be prepared for the worst.
Would you say it's pessimism? I don't know. I prefer calling it being realistic.
What seems bad to you may, in truth, be the contrary as time goes by.
My God, I sound positive.
So now, even if people say I drown myself in angst, I shan't say anything to correct them. As long as I know that it gives me some benefit...I suppose there's no need for me to convince the entire cosmos.
What a way to go.

Shita

I'm feeling more down than usual. Obviously, like always, it has something to do with exams.
I don't know why I should be feeling this way. Unprepared, yes, but God has proven to me many times before that all I have to do (aside from work!) is to trust in Him.
And my brain refuses to remember things. Why? Has my soul been polluted far too much, rendering it inability to absorb anything that is good?
On the side note, today, I officially touched the cadaver, and organs. First organ touched: liver.
Being in this course made me appreciate my organs, and God's creations more than ever.

Hibi

August 31.

It's one of those days again. Days that I'd rather have as non-existent. Days that people celebrate without truly understanding or appreciating history.

Despite being unpatriotic in the least, I do understand history. I am thankful (to some extent, but thankful nonetheless) for some of the great things that happened to me here. But...to say that the present is truly in glory? I have my doubts, and am not hesitant to say so.

It is true that we are more developed now compared to once before - but let's just put it this way; Our mentality has not developed as rapidly as the materialistic aspect. Backward development? Perhaps.

Imagine: People behaving like they have no idea what 'humility' means! I do agree that people should dress decently in public, but the way some people go about trying enforce 'morality', it's just not right! That's how we get opponents to the notion, saying that it's transgressing basic human rights!

I, for one, don't really like it when outsiders dictate what I should wear (that is God's privilege over me, but He's no outsider!), and hence, I do have something against school uniforms. Given, it would mean that I know, inherently, what may be worn and what may not. It's as simple as that.

I am okay with individualism, as long as it doesn't try to condescend other individuals.

But my main complaint is not wholly on dress code. It's how people behave that really ticks me off.

We claim we're civilised. But during 'celebrations', so called, why do most of us degrade ourselves, lower than the level of animals? It's downright embarrassing and depressing, how I wish to just escape from this pathetic country and how weak I am to challenge the mainstream 'culture', if I may put it as such.

Personally, if they have no religion, I couldn't care less. But please! Forget not He Who hath Lordship over thee, and never shalt thou forget thyself!

And there's also this 'habit' of blaming others, or other cultures.

Some claim that it's the West who has contaminated our lifestyle. But did they pause and ponder about the real situation?

They have their own lifestyle, yes, as do we. But, our problem is that we are too quick to copy what is not really good, or those that are not meant to be for us. For instance, everybody knows that smoking is bad, health-wise or...whatever it is. But some people do it because it's 'cool' and the need to be 'accepted'. Take note: I'm not only referring to cigarettes, per se, since there are also local...addictive that are a big no-no. Caffeine is not included, though.

And, we are bad drivers. We're not sporting enough, nor are we concerned about other people's safety on the road. And I'm willing to bet that the West are better drivers than we are. Is it because they were the ones who came up with automobiles in the first place? It's anybody's guess.

Politics. Our current political pattern, quoting a lecturer, is not designed for unity. The government comes up with a notion, and the opposition has to oppose. It's not beneficial for anyone if two sides, supposedly representing the same mass, are arguing. Whatever happened to 'work towards a common goal, forget our differences'?
Education. Again, we're copying what is not suitable for us. We're learning too much, yet it doesn't really shape the human within us. It's just food for brain, but isn't it supposed to supply our conscious as well? The system is too exam-oriented, that students abhor exams rather than enjoy it (ie. treating it as a positive challenge). We're becoming too worried about scoring instead of paying enough attention for us to enhance our skills.

It's absurd, how what we were taught does not really apply in real life. Could one say that, after all it's said and done, it's just a waste of time?

Current Music: We are One Tonight - Switchfoot

Renascence

It's like I've finally seen the light, now that I'm aware of the error of my ways.

Although, it would seem too farfetched if I were to say that it was a total rebirth on my part. I have, in fact, realised it long ago - but I'd say that it is only recently that I've mustered enough courage to...experiment.

Of course, I'm not saying that I'm changing my style as a whole. More accurately, one may say that I'm in the beginning of the transition state.

Never mind that this whole change is somewhat late. Better late than never, in any case.

I can't say that I'm confident that it will work out - perhaps it will. For one thing, it'll make me stop taking things too lightly and letting me subconscious self do all the work without my own assistance (Perhaps that's why she has been rebellious of late...).

Habits are difficult to break. It means letting go of what I used to feel comfortable with, what I felt _used_ to. But at least, I'm trying.

Get a grip. One will never know everything. The least one can aim for is as much as his/her brain is able to take, as long as there's stamina, as long as Father Time is smiling upon him/her, with blessings from the Powers that Be.
It's a leap into the dark, and out of my comfort zone.

Current Music: Keep Tryin' - Utada Hikaru

Merci

As the Japanese proverb goes, even a paper has two sides.
So allow me to begin by extending my 'heartfelt' gratitude.
To my university, which I will not mention its name here, thank you for giving me the chance to be in the course of my dreams.
Thank you for giving me the avenue to search for my true meaning of life.
Thank you providing me with a comfortable little corner I can call my own.
Thank you for introducing me to my batch.
Thank you for giving me a freezing cold lecture hall. (I like cold temperatures!)
Thank you for the new experience.

But.

Thank you for making me hike virtually everyday.
Thank you for managing to make studying less interesting, and more tormenting.
Thank you for making me surrounded by scary people.
Thank you for isolating me from civilisation.
Thank you for complicating things beyond perspective.
Thank you for making my life more difficult that it had to be.
Thank you for denying my rights as a human being.
Thank you for making me a worse person, instead of a better one.
Thank you for stripping me away from what I held dear.
Thank you for sucking my parents' money.
Thank you for deteriorating my health as a whole.
Thank you for helping me mess up my life and myself.
Thank you for changing me, to the extent that now I am foreign even to myself.

Interesting. The negatives outweigh the positives by a long shot. Is the future worth the present?

Current Music: Killing Me - L`Arc~En~Ciel

Shinjitsu

I present here two lines: "The truth will set you free" and "Truth is bitter". Take your pick.

Of course, this would depend on what kind of 'truth' are we speaking of. Usually one would go to the ultimate pain just to hide awful truths so...I'd have to go for the second. And no, I don't think it's only the pessimist of me speaking when I said that.

Setting oneself free...perhaps it's true when it concerns God. Before the 'freedom', one still has to go through the bitterness of it all

"You still don't trust in Him, do you?"

It's not just a question of trust. It's about me, whether I can actually pass this so-called test. Even if I were to 'score', how will it affect the rest of my future? I mean, all this stress is doing injustice to my physical and emotional health - is the transient moment of euphoria in this world worth all the trouble and pain I had to go through?

We all know the answer to that: "You're here for the life after this one".
There, I'm tongue-tied. But we're on a bridge that connects this life to the Afterlife, yes? If my bridge is burnt before I was to actually cross, what is my option?

I still have to make sure my bridge is strong enough to withhold the pressure and forces (external or internal) imposed on it. Perhaps we're too concerned with the beginning and the end, that we bothered less about the intermediate. Life is a journey, and we know where our _real_ destination once we breathe our last breath.
It's about maintenance too.

Current Music: Travelling - Utada Hikaru

Namae

Sometimes hearing my name being called is enough to embarrass me. While it has no negative connotation associated to it, but...the fact that I can never live up to the 'positivity' of my name is truly...depressing.
I'm only the personification of the physical solidity aspect, nothing more.
It's bad enough that I tend to argue with anything that I find wrong (no matter how trifling it may be), but now...I even argue with myself. It's a cause for concern, how it contributes to my indecisiveness.
And the fact that I'm rebuking myself...and accusing myself of being too...vile is just too unbearable at this point.
So why is it so damn hard to just be positive for once?
From last night's conversation, I can only answer in this way: Because life's not a fairy tale. Be realistic, and reality is depressing. Like I said, "Welcome to the real world"...where only the strong will survive - then oppress the weak.
But I don't intend to go into political issues - or the administrations, for that matter. Perhaps there will come a time when...I can slaughter them as much as they deserve to be slaughtered.
I know my priorities. I know what kind of obstacles lie ahead and within me - so what is stopping me from racing forward?
"You're your own worst enemy".
It's an axiom that there are some things that one cannot change - one can only change oneself. The problem is...habits are hard to break.
The hardest point is always in the beginning. Come to think of it, I have never actually been in the beginning. I'm still far from the starting line.
And I'm no runner.
It's scary, to feel that I can't even control myself properly. What am I left with?

Current Music: D-technolife - UVERworld

Onaji

Frankly speaking, I'm out of things to say.
I realise that day by day, the same thoughts cross my mind - no need to repeat them here - and yes, my emotions crumble due to the same darn things all over again.
I'm sick of it. It just proves how weak I truly am.
Perhaps this is His way of strengthening me up, shaping me into a better person?
(Merely by hearing a positive voice in my head is scaring me. No kidding. Usually I wouldn't bother too much).
The future is anybody's guess.

Okane

'Is there anything better than to be longing for something, when you know it is within reach?' - Greta Grabo

I don't see myself as a shopaholic. Really, I kid thee not. But as an average shopper, I still feel anguish when I see price tags at the mall.

One may argue: You're paying for the quality, so it's okay to pay big bucks for it. But let's face it, not all pricey stuff are good in terms of quality, and likewise, not all pricey stuff are actually worth the money at all.

I wonder what power do brands have that they manage to impact our psychology. A shirt for over one hundred bucks? Surely the manufacturers are joking!

And yes, I'm starting to be wary of sales. While it is refreshing to see 50% off or even 70% off, but don't you ever wonder if they had, in fact, raised the price prior to the sale, that in the end, despite the so-called sale, you're still paying for...say, not too far away from the original price?

I mean, it's bad enough to have heard that some food supplement manufacturers have been somewhat...vile in the case of those who stretch the truth - lying on the food labels.

So what _can_ we trust nowadays?

For one thing, I think it's acceptable to say that the world today, as we know it, is moving towards destruction, no thanks to humans who are too greedy in searching for material wealth in that they deceive others.

Money is becoming our first priority. Let's be realistic here - without money, one can hardly survive. Heck, to even lead a life without the luxury would be quite hard.

Temptations. Need I say more?

I'm sorry for spending. I don't think I overdid it, because...well, let's just say that the rational part of me kept my head in the vicious game of shopping.

All these bickerings within me is starting to be a pain. I do wish it won't be too damaging for my emotional and psychological health.

Otherwise...well, best not go into it.

Tsuzuku

"Just remember - when you think all is lost, the future remains" - Dr. Robert H. Goddard

The past doesn't always reflect the future. My glory days are over - for now, at least.

Like I said before, I'm still lost. At certain times, it feels like I can't go on any longer.

So please, I do hope that they won't make it harder than it already is. I'm a different person now, no thanks to this new environment I'm stranded in.

Do I have the will to carry on? I doubt it.

If only...

kaeru!

"The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can't learn anything from being perfect" - Adam Osborne

Today I should be on my way home, just so that I can spend the weekend there. Hey, despite my screwing my mini test (not royally, praises be to God for that) but I still can't help feeling rather disappointment.

But I should be rather unaffected by such sentiments. How many times have I encountered disappointment, and how many times I've told myself that if it is for the better future, then I wouldn't mind screwing the present - as long as the damage is not too great, rendering the future nothing more than a faraway dream.

Never mind. There's always another chance for revenge.

Praying to God for a safe journey home. Perhaps there, I'll regain myself - only to lose her again after a while.

Life is a discovery.

Numb

One of the things that I fear the most is near. The first test, in which most people - as can be seen from the past batches - will fail.

I can see myself as one of them. While I do hope it's merely a groundless paranoia, part of me is certain of it. The question is, will I be able to take it?

My pessimism is, decidedly, more beneficial than my being positive. In a way, it prepares oneself for the worst, though the risk of getting high blood pressure or heart attack is not exactly what I have in mind, now in the future.

Speaking of health problems, the problem-based learning that they have here is not exactly as fun as I had thought. For one thing, it depends too much to the 'facilitator' (the lecturer who is present) in terms of giving out the marks. The problem comes when there's some sort of communication failure - ie. the facilitator did not specify beforehand what s/he wants exactly, or in what manner is the presentation to be like - and when the facilitator expects too much from us.
For the love of God, this is only our first block. We're still fresh and blur. And we're not really as smart as you think we are. Yet, at least.

I'm destined for mediocrity.

I can't seem to keep my focus. While this was the same problem I faced before, now it has worsened. Too many things are bothering me, all at the same time. And the fact that other people could study - and they happened to be very informed of what they read - bothered me as well.

Perhaps I'm the only one who hasn't adapted to my surroundings. I've always seen myself as a rigid person, taking such a long time to change, to familiarise, to blend in with the new ambience. Will time allow it, then? Or will it suck me, turning me upside down and voila! Say hello to Failure, who'll be accompanying me until the end of time.

I'm not myself anymore. I hardly knew myself then, and now...it's like a total stranger has taken over my mind, body and soul. Perhaps the real me was never fated for medical school.

Disappointment is tough, but hey, you know it's coming. Best be prepared for it.

Head On

"If there was nothing wrong in the world, there wouldn't be anything for us to do" - George Bernard Shaw

So I have been guilty of many things. I realise that by complaining, it makes me sound like a spoilt brat, but hey, what else is there to do when one is subjected to such injustice?

I'm starting to dislike this place. It manages to make things more...annoying for us. There was one day when we had to go for a bloody dull seminar on consumerisme just because it's compulsory. While it is true that it won't make much different after all if I were there or not, but let's face it - responsibility is pain. They make you do what you don't want to do - which is quite like describing life in general, especially if one is governed by autocratic rules and rulers. It's a question of responsibility - your being absent shows that you've some sort of an attitude problem, and yes, that itself is enough to show how unfit you are for medicine.

But there's also the question of human rights - student rights. As a student, I'm to study. To me, I'm no student of this university - I'm just a student of medicine. So that means I study for the knowledge, not for the university. As such, I have aversion in fulfilling all (perhaps most) the extra tasks they drop on my frail little shoulders. Who cares what the seminar was talking about? The speakers were utterly dull, irritating (honestly, it took all my self control not to go out there and launch a debate there and then...) and so, so unprofessional.

Find some other people to yak to, for God's sake. My books were calling me, yet I've wasted my whole day. I tried to be positive about it, really, but there's no way I can lie to myself.

Studies are another. Honestly speaking, I love reading the books. If I had the time and energy, I would read more. I would delightedly open several books just for one topic but hey! Let's be realistic. There's no time. It's not like during my matrix time, when I could gleefully read and reread the textbook. Now it's all rush, rush and rush. The things we've to learn are interesting (mostly) too, but when the time factor is involved, one can't help but to just...give up on it all. I've no problem at all with books, seriously, but what good are books when we can't read because of Father Time?

And I think Anatomy is just not for me. Heck, sheer memorising is not for me. I don't think it's the right way to stimulate one's intelligence and brain capacity. The cadaver class didn't really help either, since there wasn't any good view long enough to make sure that whatever enters my brain stays there. The formaline stench was hellish - the sight of death was, at first, nerving. And one cadaver for 30 people? Absurd. Fifteen is good enough. And that's not even talking about how the girls and guys are to distance themselves from each other and all...

Honestly, some people make other people's lives more miserable than it should be.
I can't seem to treat humans as mere cells and organisms. I keep on thinking about the soul - the unseen.

Speaking of cells, I keep on falling asleep during Histology class. I don't think it's my fault (it's beyond my control! If only I can control it, turn it on and off whenever and wherever appropriate...ah, bliss) and it's not the lecturer's fault either.

I have a big issue with some teaching methods. If one remembers history, one would say that all the big imams of the past had stern teachers. As for me (call me weak if you must, there's no use denying reality) I beg to differ with this attitude on behalf of the teachers or...people in the teaching business. Just because they know more than us students doesn't grant them the right to...speak (or berate) us if we erred. It's human to err. Teachers were students too once upon a time, so they think they should re-apply the teaching methods their own teachers of the past applied to us too?
Where is common sense? Perhaps the word common should be dropped from common sense, since it's not so common anymore. At least, it's not common here.

The authoritative have no common sense. If we need any information to be filled in their forms, why couldn't they have informed us in advance on what kind of info the forms require - or at least , if one already has it, to bring it over? Not everybody's parent(s) is at home to check. Normal people don't go memorising numbers like tax accounts into their head - there are much better things to remember!

All this emotional torture is seriously frizzing up my hair, and possibly giving me high blood pressure too. I wonder if I could sue this evil breed of...creatures.
Some people are immensely annoying, you'd wish they'd just vanish from the face of the earth, and your memory of their existence with it.

My focus has long gone with the wind.

Can I survive here? Barely one month and my motivation is already below sea level. Stay for another five freaking years...I don't know if my sanity is still intact by then.

Survival seems so incredibly impossible.

Medical students are human beings too. Don't push us as if we're not.

Where is civilisation when I need it?

If only five years would speed pass by me without my losing my balance.

crushed

I really can't seem to get it. NO matter how many times I told myself, I can't seem to not hope.

Trying to look at it from a positive angle is rather tiring. Sure, we're all in the same boat, but I don's want to be in that particular boat.

Can I say that I'm still waiting for my ship to come in?

It doesn't look like this ride will be very smooth, and there's no good place for me to stop without losing anything.

I can say that it's meant to be that way, so what can I do to change that?

Perhaps I'm not that powerless to change my fate, somehow or the other. I have to learn how to focus.

Au Revoir

"One of the most important lessons that experience teaches is that, on the whole, success depends more upon character than upon either intellect or fortune" ~ William Edward Hartpole Lecky

It's very depressing. It's like my heart is beating way too fast for the rest of my body to handle - the ribcage might even fall off (God forbid!), and my chest is throbbing incessantly.

Leaving the comfort zone proves to be too much.

Does that mean I'm way too pampered all this while, that my subconscious self refuses - absolutely - be part from it?

Then again, perhaps this transition is too much. You're talking about a whole new set of lifestyle - which may prove to be damaging at first, be it to my physical, mental or emotional states - and yes, I'm adamant to change mine. To each his own - don't force on to others without their own consent.

It doesn't help either if I despise it all.

It's getting hard to discard my thoughts or preconceived notions at will lately. Perhaps it has something to do with necessity; i.e. only when the situation calls for it, then they are turned off, so to speak.

Habituation. Beginning is hard.

I don't want to go. I have to go. My whole future depends on it. And it's time I tweak my own settings further, so that it will succumb to me instead of the other way around. Although, one may argue, the two are mutual - forfeiting one means the other will fall crumbling eventually.

Hating the arrangement is still okay, I guess.

Perhaps, in truth, I fear to change them. So far I've managed well, so what if changing my tunes means a descend to failure?

This is why I can't be a researcher. I don't dare to experiment with new things. If it ain't broken, why fix it?

The countdown is nearing its end...

The soul is willing, but the flesh is weak.

My God. Why do I busy myself with trifles?

And yes, I am well aware that I'm talking incoherently. Celebrate my tangled threads of thoughts!

Current Music: Ophelia - L`Arc~En~Ciel

Mendoukusai

I wonder what will happen when one day, Apple manages to give Microsoft a run for its money. Sure, some programs aren't supported by Mac (my CLIE for PC is a good example - then again we can safely say that CLIE has become obsolete as we speak) but let's face it, Windows grow troublesome with age.

Take this PC, for instance. I can cook instant noodles and finish it by the time the PC is ready to be handled.

One's patience grows thin too, you know.

Remember how the old telephones look like? The one that requires you to turn -thingy just so you dial? It makes you wait while it rewinds. Make me use it, and I'll dump the item in the nearest trash can faster than you can ever stop me.

Tsk tsk.

Current Music: Ignited - T.M. Revolution

Outbreak

To those virus authors (not forgetting any malicious code authors, be it trojans, spywares, etc), I wish them a miserable life, full of pain and sufferings.

It is unforgivable, making innocent people wince in unease.

Now that Avicenna is in the house...hopefully he'll be a more formidable opponent against those villains

Poor Nao.

Kuruma

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of being yourself" ~ Anna Quindlen

Too fast.

The world is moving too fast, with time speeding exponentially. It grabs you when you least expect it, hoisting you along for a wild, wild ride.

On this highroad, there's no speeding ticket. Traffic rarely impedes the motion. The only hope of stopping is to run out of gas, but it's a permanent stop. Until the next road is laid down before you. The scenarios that you observe as you move are getting more and more out of human control. Even if you try to rectify it, you can't. You'll get washed away, and who knows if you can survive.

So I can only stay in this car and look on helplessly. The seatbelt is too tight, but unbuckling it is by no means wise.

Not only do I feel desolated, now I'm nauseated as well.

I think I'm getting sick.

Current Music: A New Day Has Come - Celine Dion

Mushiro

Life would be much, much better if no such thing as "That's your problem, not mine" in our minds.

Humanity has never been more forgotten. It makes one wonder where has the sentiment of "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" gone to? Isn't that what life is about; helping one another (regardless of one's background, etc) to make this world a better place? So that our daily lives will be much smoother?

"Your problem, not mine" sums up the speaker's personality nicely: Selfish, arrogant.

Not everyone faces the same darn things. Sure, the older ones would have said that they had indeed, in the distant past. But times are changing.

Your past is not necessarily my present. And our present times are different.

Systems are established to make processes run smoother. But a system that makes everyone's life a living hell should be thrown aside, abolished for the sake of mankind.

Trying to come up with a system as a solution is not easy. One must be able to anticipate the un-anticipated, having a forecast of every single possibility that may come across. And usually, systems, being god-awfully rigid, are not easily changed.

Another thing is tradition. Perhaps it is our inherent tendency to make things more complicated than they actually are. It's enough having limits we are never to transgress...so why on earth do we have to add more 'rules' to it? Going against tradition is the best way of being labelled as an infidel.

If only I could not care less about how people/society think about me. Would that mean I would be going against my innate disposition? Is it wrong to fight the current if it's only sending you to self-destruction?

Though we, being the ones stuck with following those confounded rubbish they call system and whatnots, are too impotent to fight for our basic human rights. We're living in a world where power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Could someone...anyone tell me where's the exit?

Current Music: Illuminati - Malice Mizer

Yuusenken

In retrospect, perhaps the ideology that is postmodernism is not entirely false. (Although, the onion bit is enough to send me laughing to the nearest asylum...)

They claim there is no Truth. That's simply because they haven't found it yet. Or, even if they had, I doubt they had paid enough attention to see that Truth is staring right back at them.

But the fact about relativism bothers me a bit.

The problem with relativism is that it is quite true. We're all different. Just because two people are blood-siblings it doesn't guarantee that they can see eye to eye. What's important thing to someone may not be as important to the next person.

Your priority list and mine may not even resemble each other in the most remote sense possible.

Usually, we base our priority list according to our desires. That is, to fulfil what the heart calls out for easily makes the top 10 in the list.

Then, one may ask, what is the problem?

Nothing new, that's for sure. We have this faculty of desire that is always thirsty for more, although it knows that what it wants is not going to keep my attention for long. The 'high' acquired after the said 'thirst' is 'quenched' is usually short-lived, since the said faculty is now hunting for something new.

Progress (that is, as time goes by...) brings more things for us to hunger for. Take technology for instance; All those gadgets. Laptops, PDAs, mobile phones, and the list is endless. The past introduced us to cordless phones - which were sizable! - and the present shoves all the latest designs and new, additional capabilities, all compacted in one.

But these things don't really last for long. Once consumed by Time, the battery's performance would start to deteriorate. Scratches here and there start to appear for no apparent reason. And then you find yourself wishing for more, and a newer replacement.

And thus, the line bordering need and desire blurs.

Current Music: She Is - Clazziquai

Shortage

I am appalled with the degree of my ignorance and stupidity.

It is perfectly understandable that the time factor is lacking - in addition to my own limited memory and perhaps, initiative - so one can hardly learn everything that the heart desires.

Some things take ages to understand, and aeons to master; especially it involves a truckload of memorisation and an ocean-depth understanding. And if it is necessary to learn an entirely new jargon, that doesn't make sense at all if one were to use it in one's daily conversation.

So I've to consult one who's erudite in the matter. It's relieving, to a certain point, to hear my own unconscious self admitting to my weaknesses!

Current Music: Shizuku - Okuda Miwako

Grief

Decidedly, regret is one of the worst feelings ever.

To feel remorse for what happened in the past (the keyword here is past), with the knowledge that what had been done could never be reversed (Father Time just doesn't work that way, unfortunately). Worse, if one was in fact capable of avoiding the said occurence from happening at that time.

In other words, it was an opportunity wasted, and as a result, something else gets wasted as well as a byproduct.

Aye, the wheels of fate turn, as they should.

We rarely seek consultation from our intellect, especially when the ever sinister greed that resides within is in reign, taking control.

Perhaps it's because there's an inherent voice - somewhere within, and I suspect that its address is not very far from that of Greed's - that keeps its incessant whisper that implies Hope. Even if the hope is no more than a glimmer from the glass disguised as a gem.

To sum everything up, I am a blundering imbecile who never ceases to astound herself with her remarkable inability to learn from her past mistakes.

Touché.

Current Music: Dakishimeru - BoA

Chikara

It's a sad, sad world we live in. Where injustice and tyranny reign supreme, the weak get oppressed only too easily, when the unlearned are the ones in power.

This materialistic world, where anything goes.

To some extent, it is vexing.

We know what is wrong with this world, and yet there's nothing we can do. At least, not the ones that would yield immediate results, and the problem is, time is a factor which is lacking.

Sure, we can voice out our opinions but get real; Nobody would listen. We would be dismissed as ones who are in the dark about such matters, and so, our words do not count.

So as the drama plays, we can only play our parts without questioning the logic behind it all. Just do what we're supposed to do and leave the bloody corrupted morons to decide what happens to us.

While we struggle with our own demonic desires and try to endure the passing days, they flaunt their powers wrongly, on the excuse of "for the sake of the greater good". It's terribly horrendous.

That day, a documentary declared that we are not superior to animals.

For the love of all that is holy! Doesn't the presence of a brain that is capable of bringing our kind out of ignorance once upon a time (in the distant course of history) count anymore?

What is the purpose of building a highly-intellectual, massively productive civilisation only to crumble it all to mere dusts and start from the beginning? A waste of time, energy and intellect!

We might as well be a laughing-stock of other species, since going round and round is the only thing we truly specialise in.

Current Music: River - Tatsuya Ishii

Tabun

Classic case: A blank paper, save for a black dot right in the middle. Present it to someone, ask for his/her observation, and in nine cases out of ten, the person will be more inclined to state the black dot.

Conclusion: Human mind is more perceptible to defects, that the good qualities are usually negated.

Makes sense. It reflects the current reality.

But while we are prone to anger only too easily, perhaps it is not that bad that God has crafted us in such a way.
We should be well aware of our shortcomings, accept them, and work on eradicating it. We are rarely concerned with our own problematic conscience or habits, but oh! We jump at the immediate moment someone else errs. Is it a way to convince ourselves that we are better than the said person?

What is it with trying to emerge the champion in anything we do, anyway? It is only a clear manifestation of the vanity within us.

God created us with differences. What we have, perhaps others lack, and vice versa. In the end, this business of trying to outdo people seems pointless and a mere stress-inducer.

But competitions are not all bad. By no means. It serves as a catalyst for us to improve ourselves, by being more aware of our errors in the past, and strive further to achieve something greater. It is only when one plays dirty that he has succumbed to the evils of competition, and the evils of his own soul, by following his desire.

But back to our own defects.

Life is a journey of self-discovery. We live to learn. We find out things that, perhaps, has never occurred to us before in the past as time goes by. And yes, life gets tougher, so it doesn't help in the least if we are static in that we remain too unaffected by the waves of change around us. It is okay if you find something has changed drastically in the span of merely a day or two.

Adapt to change. Resisting it is only suicidal.

Current Music:Reason - Tamaki Nami

Inceptio

This is the beginning. Alas, one can never be sure how the end will be.

One thing leads to another, and so forth. The future is depends on how one utilises the present, and the past, to some extent.Here's to the incoming days of labour and, I pray, joy amidst it all. Cheers.

Current Music: Be My Love - Clazziquai feat. Lee Seung Yul