Intermission #50

And so I am down to - hopefully - my last week of working as a lowly labourer HO in this forsaken hospital.

Excited? Oh yes, so much. Anxious? Definitely.

And as for my transfer - it is still hanging in the air, uncertain. But I have hopes.

As for my current status, while it may be considered as uncertain, the best we could do is to put effort into it. It won't be easy, as many around me has cautioned me against it...but deep down, I know that it's best for me to leave before I turn...malignant.

And so...I resume my wait. Hopeful, but ever so caution, with prayers to The Almighty.

Current Music: Set Fire to the Rain - Adele

Peri-MO-ship

At least one thing is becoming clearer to me: which department am I entering as a fresh MO.

Anaesthesia.

I suppose the reaction most people would get after his/her first choice is granted would be one of elation. As for me?

It was more of a shock.

Perhaps I still am in that state.

Am I ecstatic? More like relieved, sort of.

Am I sad? Sort of, since it means one helluva tag for 1 month straight. Goodbye any plan for a much needed post-HO-ship vacation.

Not to say that I'm not thankful to God.

And yet...reactions from those closest to me have been lacklustre at best.

Also, I have another painful decisions to make.

Yes, it hurts so bad.

I have a knack to spin things out of proportion just to stress myself out, do I not?

Current Music: Not to Love You - Ryan Tedder

Calm Before the Storm

Time-out.

A short break.

Pulling the brakes before heading - headfirst - into a new posting. Fifth posting. Obs & Gynae. This Sunday.

I am overwhelmed, though not in a positive sense of the word.

God, how I wish I have long finished this phase of working. I'm sick of working in an ancient hellhole with idiots running, administrating the place.

Too bloody long.

Would I say I am a more knowledgeable person now than, say, the fresh medical graduate of yore?

Hardly.

And here I am, wondering how on earth is it possible that I can think of everything and nothing, all at the same darn time.

Current Music: I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift

Compilations #17

1. Spare me the drama at work, please.

It's amazingly scary what stress can do to you, and what you in turn do unto others. Even I find myself sniping at those I find deserving - especially after I made the initial effort of being extra-civilised and yet received a disappointing response.

Sometimes it's just not worth the extra effort.

I can't afford to play nice all the way - not when people don't seem to appreciate it. Yes, I know it's supposed to be for God and all...but I am just human, liable to emotional breakdowns.

I try not to impart judgment on people...because deep down I realise that I might(?) be doing the same mistake if I were in their shoes.

2. There is a change in how I spend my money these days...and I'm kind of worried.

3. How do you define me? How do you see me in your eyes?

Maybe you don't know me that well. Or maybe I'm just too multi-faceted that you don't get to see a certain side of me that prefers to hide in the darkness, behind a pleasant face.

Or maybe I'm the one that's in error, blind to my own shortcomings.

4. I'm starting to understand - and emulate - my mother's occasional indifference(?) to patients' complaints.

...Good God, I really need to be done with housemanship and just get out of clinical work for good.

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Intermission #36

1. Kudos, Sir, for making me all jittery when all I want to do is be still.

I applaud you, Sir, for single-handedly inspiring my muses one moment and then killing the poetry that they wove in the next.

Lastly, I congratulate you for giving me a light of hope, however small it may be, and more reasons to smile and, ironically, torture myself - all at once.

2. Please, Dear God, let me finish Paediatrics soon.

3. Maybe I should just go back this weekend. On Friday, right after work, even just for one night.

Current Music: Always Be There - Maher Zain

Compilations #14

1. My limit, before my dreams all come crumbling down, is 3 to 4 days. Which is bad, since previously it took one week for my optimism to run out and leave me in the lurch.
I've got it bad, indeed.
I despise this feeling of dependence.
Somehow it's unfair if I'm the only one suffering here.
Somehow, I'm surprised that I'm still trying to desperately hang on - but on to what? God's Promises and His Justice?

2. Today, during the ward round...

MO 1: Mycoplasma infection can cause hemolytic anaemia, right?
MO 2: Yes, I think so.
Me: *nodding silently in agreement*
MO 1: Why're you shaking your head?
Me: I'm nodding. Yes, it causes hemolytic anaemia.
MO 1: *to other MOs around* This girl is smart. She knows things that I didn't know during my houseman years. *turns back me* What does parvovirus cause?
Me: *suddenly thinking of Slapped Cheek Disease* You mean the infection?
MO 1: No, what anaemia it causes.
Me: Sickle cell disease.
MO 1: …
Me: Ehh, aplastic anaemia!
MO 1: I only knew that when I became an MO! Are you going into Paediatrics later?
Me: No.
MO 1: Good, don't go into Paeds. You're going to make me look bad.
MO 3: If she enters Paeds, I'll be the first one to be kicked out…

Anyway, parvovirus infection can trigger sickle cell crisis, so I wasn't entirely wrong there...
I still think Paediatrics as meh. And I keep on forgetting to bring earplugs just to protect my ears from the children's screaming during bloodtaking...

3. Sometimes we need to remember to be thankful for the things that we already have, instead of chasing those that may or may not be out of our reach, but not necessarily the best for us. God alone Knows.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay

P/s: Blogging about the above conversation is not meant to be a brag...but perhaps to serve as something to boost my mood up in case it goes back to its gloomy shell. Besides...a part of me thinks it would be bragging if I were to put it on my FB wall...Pfft!

Intermission #35

I can't believe that I haven't updated for around two weeks.

Truth be told, I've been trying to make heads or tails of a lot of issues. A whole lot of them, that enumerating them down one by one would take some time. So I had to make do with trying to rein them in my head, but honestly, it hasn't been working well.

I'm done with Orthopaedics, currently am in Paediatrics. Completed 7 days of tagging which, truth be told, gave me little opportunity to actually learn stuff. Maybe that's just me - right after I'm done in the ward, I head home and collapse. I've never been one to actually study in the ward even from my student days - trust me, with crying children and fussy parents/aunts/grandparents/what-have-you, ward rounds three times daily, and colleagues who are prone to crack jokes...any effort of studying is futile.

Even the Net bores me these days. I haven't been following any anime lately, and the only show that I finished was UN-GO (which was awesome, but I digress). Even putting my thoughts into words proved to be no small feat. Whatever scenario I conjured in my mind seemed unfit to be shared to the rest of the virtual world. Any string of words is mercilessly axed before any coherence is met. Any faint image, further blurred.

I frankly am losing control of my thoughts, my imagination, and I'm scared.

I've always been afraid to dream of beautiful, cheerful things.

But there comes a time when dark, haunting nightmares gather around me, and I could only cower, alone, defenseless, and left to my despair.

When that sliver of hope appears, I'm still afraid to reach out for it, no matter how desperate I am.

Maybe it's retribution. Maybe it's His Trial for me. Maybe it's just me.

I'm losing a battle with myself. What now?

Current Music: Kimi ga Matteiru kara - Gackt Camui

At Intervals

At work, too many things occupy my thoughts...that the moment my shift ends, it's like everything comes crushing down. Sort of like being on high, then it goes down for no explicable reason...and it leaves you feeling helpless.

...But in my case, it's like the sudden release from work triggers a whole new myriad of thoughts that I usually had no control of.

And is it any wonder that I don't really get much rest even after work? Let's not even go into how people still called for me, asking for unreasonable, trivial things even when it's supposed to be my day off.

I hate the fact that I can't even control my own thoughts when they go overboard. I blame it on my irregular sleeping schedule, amongst other things...

Despite it all, I still pray that He will Open up the Path for me.

Current Music: How to Go (TV Ver.) - School Food Punishment

Status Quo

The idleness will be the death of me, but to be honest, it will be duly missed once it ceases its reign, and I enslave myself to a life of responsibilities and serving the people, all in the name of answering His Call.

At times I wonder what is it that I've got myself into; Abandoning my interests and what essentially made me, me…will it bode well in the end? Or rather - will I survive the journey itself? Or will I be torn asunder by the gravity of the job, the multiple facades of people, and these turbulent times? Will my sanity maintain its steadiness, or will it finally crack under pressure?

Through all these, I hope God is with me, though undeserving I may be. God Forbid.

I have been writing a lot, although truth be told, most of them still reside in my head rather than in any tangible form. I've been spamming my Tumblr like there's no tomorrow, and similarly, busy deleting spams that somehow made it into my mailbox. Out, damn'd spam[1]!

The truth still stands, strong as ever. Writing is what I do. Thus my thoughts continue to wonder, what am I to do?

The differences between Arts and Science, the two are like estranged brothers, as different as night and day. While Science revels in the unrevealing of mysteries and the unveiling of truths, the Arts seem to reign supreme in the unknown and the irrepressible. How many tragedies written in the past were driven by people unable to contain their rage and rabid desires any longer? How comedies could bring joy to an otherwise murky world?

The two coexist in my head, a jungle of unexplored territories, a garden of juvenile hope, a dungeon of human fallacies, a stretch of plane where imagination takes many forms in turn?

Not to say that I regret my education thus far. But perhaps the Arts has not been given enough recognition it truly deserves, which goes beyond the superficial looks and the temporary glitters and greedy glamour? Even now, as idleness accompany my days, as I seek to amuse myself with whatever shows the television offered me, oftentimes that I found myself frowning in rebuke and scoffing with scorn.

Perhaps the tragedy of the Arts is that it's all, "been there, done that". Every cliche imaginable has been recycled that the effect has been lost, replaced by disappointment. The all reaching media ensures that there is a continuous stock of things that would feed the public's hunger for the hedonistic. And so what was left, except looks?

The problem of paper thin plots and gaping plot-holes are covered up by actors and actresses that are only pretty faces but are unable to act to save their lives. Tone deaf singers without much practice and wide range of abilities only need to ensure on looks to get them by. There are also gimmicks and cheap publicity stunts  that they used to boost up their popularity.

We are easily satisfied with mediocrity, and we become thirsty for more.

It is this quest for beauty that the public unwittingly get trapped in. People are not beautiful enough, not thin enough - but what is there to say about one's attitude?

"You're perfect as you are", or "Never change", or "Just be yourself". Yup, I've seen a lot of them on Tumblr.

While I'm not against positive advices, I do caution their use in situations. Such advices mentioned above are definitely not for those in dire need of a change of attitude.

There is a stench of haughtiness of "I'm good enough", as in the case of "I do as I please". Whatever happened to the quest of becoming a better person each day? Isn't that what growing up is supposed to amount to?

What goes around comes around - some people call it karma, but it's just God's Decree.

I apologize if this post had somehow trod on someone's toes, but it needed to be said. I assure you that all the rumination that I've done over this post hasn't actually relieved my conscience.

Current Music: Sadame - X TV OST

[1] - Parodied from Shakespeare's original work. Here is the real thing - Macbeth Act 5, scene 1:

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then
'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and
afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our
pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to
have had so much blood in him?

Compilations #11

It feels...not good.

I have yet to discover the clear demarcation between 'ignoring' and 'denying'. Perhaps it's because my head is never good with such distinctions, especially when it comes to subjective matters.

Just like I can't seem to practise this 'optimism' that people preach.

I wonder if calling me a 'walking paradox' won't be off the mark...

2. It feels like a love-hate relationship.

Lately I've been disappointed for far too often. Too often, too much. The anime titles that they're churning out are becoming more and more - shall I say - derogatory in nature, although there are a few selected titles that make me look forward to them.

This doesn't stop me from following up via anime blogs though. Why do I continuously subject myself to such trifles?

Is it something worth bragging about if I can walk into an anime store and give a synopsis of at least 85% of the anime stuff that they have? And let's not even get me started on the seiyuu themselves...

3. But I am getting utterly frustrated with the manga Detective Conan. It's like a bunch of filler chapters over and over again, except that the cases are not enticing to say the least.

The kids are an annoying bunch...and I kind of wish that Ran will just drop dead already.

4. Bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored....bored.

5. And yet back then when classes were on I was still stuck with boredom. What on Earth is wrong with me?!

6. ...I probably have been watching a bit too many movies. Is it normal to not feeling excited about having watched Kung Fu Panda 2?

Or maybe I just can't get over the talking animals.

...Somewhere along the way in the cinema I wondered if it'll be considered racism to be having different animal species in a movie depicted differently.

7. ...I probably should have put a warning before I actually started typing this entry. The obligatory "turn away if you don't want to be plagued by my despair or something".

Too late though. I apologise.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

Intermission #24

This is it. Final Pro. Today - Monday the 23rd - until Wednesday the 25th.

Frankly, I don't know what to think and feel anymore. Just go through with it, as if I'm on autopilot or something. Argh.

For some reason I'm not as down as I thought I would be. Tired, very tired...but I thought I'd be in total despair by now.

Not to say that I did awesomely. Sigh. At this point, beggars can't be choosers.

All I know is, I'm almost halfway there...wherever 'there' may lead me. It's no secret though that I wish to graduate as soon as possible.

But I still pray for the best - for everyone and for my own self.

...Positive!Self, where have you been all these while!?

Current Music: Insya Allah - Maher Zain

Intermission #21

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for ((Allah)'s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (3:159)
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

1. I like to think that one of my fortes is sarcasm (Not exactly something worth bragging about, I agree...). Maybe it's just my way of letting it out without employing a loud tone of voice, but while I have many opportunities to put this into practice, I rarely do, for fear of:

• sounding like an arrogant know-it-all (...)
• accused of being rude (...some people tend to accuse more easily than the general population...)
• the listener not understanding the sarcasm, which kind of defeats the purpose. Dang.

Or, maybe, it's just my style of humour - which people don't always get, which sort of results in my unwillingness to mix around much. That, and that catering to people exhausts me greatly.
(On a somewhat unrelated note - I'm starting to think that 'humour' as an ego defense mechanism should not be put as a mature defense mechanism. It belittles the gravity of the situation - isn't that akin to denial itself?! And some people push the jokes a bit too far...it starts to get irritating. And offensive.)
Perhaps I should start becoming more silent. That way people may not misunderstand me much, it reduces the risk of inadvertently offending anyone else - and it probably helps in that what I say rarely bears any impact anyhow.
...Thank God for blogs though.

2. "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves" ~ Carl Gustav Jung.

If I appear to be colder and more labile these days, I apologise. It dawned on me that with some people it gets more difficult to tolerate them and their antics...and so I might have accidentally 'displaced' any displeasure I have towards them on some other poor innocent souls.
Or...it could be the stress. Now with regards to the time, one can only say "OMG Final Pro is just next month, OMG!!".

3. Avicenna's keyboard is acting up. The cursor appears in odd places and starts to insert the text I'm typing into other words. What the flipping heck, Apple!
Yeah. Time for a new laptop. A MacBook, no less. Sigh.

4. The manga Meitantei Conan is finally back on track - somewhat. It's about time too! Besides, I need more Okiya!

5. "The world is a crazy place. And sometimes that craziness infects us. Sometimes it makes us a little crazy too" ~ Anonymous (snagged from Tumblr)

I'm the kind who is in tune with my psyche and aims to achieve harmony with my surroundings. But with the...turbulent state of things, I can safely say that it's nigh impossible to achieve this task.
The heart can only take so much before breaking. Maybe because it's never meant to take up too much burden. But with the Internet, with the information overload (useless and useful data notwithstanding), it seems that ignorance is bliss after all, when applied correctly...

Maybe I should move away to someplace else, where people can act more rationally instead of just resorting to the excuse of "other people hexing others using supernatural means"...and the delusion that just because one has Google or the Internet in your laptop/computer/iPhone/PDA/tablet, you're as good as a specialist in that area.

...I wonder if such a place actually exists, or is it just an idealist's unattainable Utopia?

Current Music: Redemption - Gackt Camui

Detachment

To separate the brain from the heart

thinking from feeling

deduction from guesswork

logic from emotions

aims from hopes

facts from fiction

ideas from hunches

insights from instincts

wisdom from idiocy

need from lust

perspective from wishful thinking

will it disinter the strong

and entomb the weak,

living in us?

deny humanity,

repudiate our assets?

misuse our ability?

condescend our rank

to that of mere machines?

For in the end,

where will imagination be

wither will belief stand

will sympathy be ensconced

will there be a breath of inspiration

a flow of creativity

a second of euphoria

can we withstand

living in a milieu of destitude

living without a life?

For in the end,

to separate the brain from the heart

a move no different from

the physical divorcing the spiritual

the body isolating the soul.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2004.

Yes, you read that right. 2004. I dug this up from my old collection and decided that it deserves a better home.


Current Music: White Eyes - Gackt Camui

Blurry Eyes

So much emotion overload, I can hardly keep up. Perhaps that's how I feel perpetually drained out.

You know the feeling when your world is turned upside down? Will it be easier if it's you doing the turning yourself, by taking charge of things rather than allow yourself to be pushed against your own will?

I seriously don't know what is normal anymore. Maybe it doesn't really matter - not for now, at least.

Current Music: Blue Bird - Ikimonogatari

P/s: Title is from a song by the J-Rock band L'Arc~En~Ciel.

What's the Deal, y'all?

Warning: If you're looking for happy, then I'd advise refraining from reading this entry.

I was once scoffed at for keeping a blog.

Blogs are not, as I was told, the Islamic way of coping with things. There are other more acceptable ways of doing it, and while those were valid points, I was still stubborn with my stand but, being the pacifist that I am, I held my tongue instead of going into full scale debater mode.

Not out of fear of defeat, mind you, but more of tiredness. There are some things that, no matter how true they are to you, or how strong your conviction is, are not worth fighting and ruining relationships for. Thus, the peaceful middle way of agreeing to disagree.

I see blogging as a highly beneficial activity - otherwise I'd have terminated this blog and you, dear reader, would not have regularly updated sites to feed you with depressive thoughts as to how deplorable things are. It is a form of sublimation - which is a mature defense mechanism, whereby one responds to a negative feeling by channeling the negative energies to more productive ends, such as dabbling in writing or other aesthetics. Which would explain why most poets and writers of ye old days were conjuring up depressing poems and stuff that highlighted the forlornness of this transient life, the frailty of the human psyche.

There is some beauty in the broken, but to the one holding the burden...could the same be said?

Besides, blogging saves me the trouble of looking for people to confide in. Because, hey, everyone has his or her own problems, so it's not like they can actually take an extra load of problems, especially those that don't pertain to their daily lives or interests. See it as myself doing others a favour, will you!?

Occasionally I've toyed with the idea of dabbling into literature as a career, but seeing how difficult it is to cater to the public's whim - especially when it's not in tandem with one's own internal whims - I had to decide against it. (Naturally, my parents would never entertain such ambition!) Writing gives me the opportunity to dive deeper and learn more about myself - most of my entries were written freely, with not much planning or editing prior to the publishing. It's surprising how things actually unfold - oftentimes although I begin my entries with despair, the light of hope somehow slips through. The reverse also holds true though...

Compare this to while one is studying the cold hard facts. For example, the lists of clinical features of bronchial asthma. While you may relate the presentation with the pathology behind it, how far do you feel like you're learning more about yourself? Or, even worse - the mechanism of action of a, say, diuretic that acts to promote micturition...does that make you feel closer to your own kidney? Maybe not to yourself per se, but it sure gives some appreciation as to what the drug is doing to your patient, and you then share the joy when said patient's problems are ameliorated. But that's what a healthy human being should be doing, yes? To strive for the betterment of other people? Does this mean sacrificing one's own identity and positive perspective towards life as a whole?

Perhaps my problem is of different nature - the more I dive into the unknown territories within me, the more I seem to lose touch with the outside world, and hence a reduced threshold to accept the absurdities that the world throws at me.

It's derealisation, whereby I feel that I'm separated from the world around me. Like I'm outside looking in, forever not understanding the workings of the human mind other than my own.

So maybe...I am in the wrong course after all. Because my understanding of human beings has started to become so...ugly, that it's significantly different than that of mine ten years ago.

Or maybe the world is just going to the dogs. I mean, it's one of the signs of the end of the world after all...

Perhaps my personality type is at fault. While I started with idealism, it is easily crumbled, shaping into unspoken pessimism. Faith is so precariously fragile, that I become scared. My pacifist nature, people misuse and start to take advantage, almost like bullying me to do things that I'd rather not. It's everyone's responsibility, dangit, so why can't some people just behave accordingly instead of letting your fears take over you and get everyone else in trouble whereas we were initially ready to support you in your undertakings!? Are we not already adults!? How long do you expect to run?

And I know I've mentioned this before, but let me say it again: The maxim about fighting fire with water as the best option? I say this: bollocks.

Apparently it's impossible to knock some sense into some people using common courtesy and positive reinforcement. Childish much? Darn right.

And I'm so utterly, _utterly_ sick and tired of all this inane things that people - myself included - do without fail.

...

Judging by the state of things, I can't say that my future looks well. If things go on like this and I still can't handle things properly, I see only three possibilities:
i) I end up having mood disorders - be it major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder (God Forbid!)
ii) I end up writing poetry that have perpetually sad, depressive tones
iii) both of the above.

...Dear God, no.

Current Music: Kimi no Negai wo - Miyavi

Intermission #14

In which I realise that it's already December, which means that a lot of things are coming at me...soon. Gasp.

Source

Source

...Methinks I should just get meself a tumblr account if I'm just spamming this place with pictures. It's already too small for my ardent tirades and inexhaustible verbiage.

A Day in Hours

Oh God.

24.

Two dozens.

The number of hours in a day.

I feel so old. Maybe not in the sense of wrinkling foreheads or sagging cheeks or silvery white hair - at least, I hope not - but in that I start to worry about my health. All the stress I've been accumulating thus far is not something to be proud of, to be allowed to be retained in me to wreck havoc in unthinkable ways, everywhere and at any times.

And...I wonder if I act my age enough. Should I abandon my theatrical air and instead settle for a sombre one? Or should I shed that which is holding me down because - well, it's high time that I must break free?

Decisions, decisions. The only thing more difficult is to act upon it...or maybe not.

Sigh.

There's still a lot of things that I can't comprehend, can't tolerate, can't properly respond to.

Still a lot more that needs to be done.

In short, there's still a lot of change to be undertaken.

…Though I wonder if I'm already too late?


----------------
Now playing: Vertical Horizon - All of You
via FoxyTunes


P/s: What the heck am I doing spouting melancholic preoccupations on a day like this!? *facepalm*

Painfully Honest

So tired. Is this what 'burnout' feels like?

Things could be worse, though. I see the present as an exercise, a preparation for a potentially worse(?) future.

I asked myself a question once. A question that stemmed out of all the frustration that had been caged in me, the million dollar (possibly more) question that I fearfully realised that I had no answer to.

"Are you really happy?"

I stunned myself silence for several minutes, and then I was almost aware of the gush of blood that rushed through my cerebral circulation in an attempt for an honest response. Palpitations shook my heart against the ribs, and it felt as if I was given into tremors. The only sound I heard then was the sound of the fan above me, all noise but not as much efficient as I would like it to be.

Truth is unbearably bitter.

Then it dawned on me, as slowly as the rising sun but by no means as magnificent or illuminating: "Either way, you won't be happy. There'll always be something."

But Reason - wherever it exists within my person - was in time to reach out to me with a retort: "You're happiest as you are right now. Maybe not in the way it is normally believed what 'happiness' represents to the general population, but there is certainly no reason to believe that He has forsaken you."

Because some bits of my past are a testament to that - that God Works in miraculous ways; ways that one could never have imagined.

Perhaps happiness is when one doesn't compromise temporary joys to those that really, really matter. Saying things like "in the end, it doesn't really matter" really strains one own person in many different ways.

One thing is for sure: Resentment is like a cancer. It eats you up and leaves you worse for wear.

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Anti-climax

1. I don't want to sound haughty if I were to quote a certain fictional character saying "My mind rebels at stagnation"...But it does. Put up an awful row in my head too.

Why so? Because the rebellion doesn't end with the cessation of idleness. It intrudes into work as well. It's a feeling like you fail to move into higher gear when you and your car both know it just had to be done. It's frustrating to you and the other drivers, and it's damaging to your car in the long run. Oh, to yourself too, because of the stress that you develop will manifest as hypertension some day (Heaven forbid!).

2. Just a little bit more till the finishing line. It's already the last lap, and it doesn't really seem like I'm giving it my all...

3. I don't want to say "Things could have been better" in fear of sounding ungrateful, but after all this...the tiny voice in my head refuses to concur to just shake that darn feeling off.


----------------
Now playing: ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D - Complication
via FoxyTunes

P/s: I was just thinking the other day that one of the very few things that made me value Wordpress above Blogger is the former's allowing one to hide the rest of his/her blog entry behind a link, so that a post doesn't appear too lengthy. As it turns out, Blogger now supports this feature as well. So I went ahead and studied this page to see how it's done, and modified some of my old entries with it.
Of course, some entries are nicer to be spared from this treatment - it's easier to read everything in one page without having to open up another tab or leave the current page.

Compilations #9

1. Oxymoronic

Simply amazing.

How silence can convey more than words could. There's facial expressions, of course, and the glimpse of emotions that is finely entwined in those few yet curt words issued.

Like, one may be able to sense that something is up when one walks into a meeting room overtaken by silence, and the people within are muted for whatever reason. Those wearing their poker faces may prove to be a challenge, but then look at the surroundings - if people wouldn't talk, evidence would, in their own way.

Or when one can figure out something is afoot when two people who are close suddenly wouldn't even trade words.

Or when one whose verbose nature suddenly takes a total change.

You don't have to be a genius to decipher those descriptive, explanatory silence. Just a bit more perception, sensitivity and...humanity, really.

2. Norms and Imprisonment

Some habits are hard to break, regardless of whether or not there's insight on how destructive said habits could be.

For instance, nicotine in cigarette makes the person dependent on its very existence in his/her bodily system. The same goes for drugs. Without it being part of the subject, it doesn't feel right, doesn't feel whole.

Tolerance; The old doses just won't work anymore to achieve the same effect, the same amount of 'high'. Addiction; there will always be the want for more.

The smoker or IV drug user might know he - overgeneralisation of sex here, not because I'm a sexist - is slowly killing himself and, indirectly, those closest to him, but he could not help himself. His self-control is already weak, waning with every passing second and with subsequent dose of his unlawful brand of pleasure.

I'm not condoning this behaviour. It's repulsive, it's degrading. The unspeakable loss of humanity.

What of habits then?

Would you say it's something akin to drugs and nicotine? Does it deserve to have its own designated term, such as habitoholics, such as alcoholics with their alcoholism? Are we conditioned in a way that it is irreversible, or at the very least, any future editing or modification processes will be unduly met with strong resistance?

Why is it so hard to change even when we know it has to be done!?

3. Malpositioned

Is there an honourable place in today's world for a Jack of all trades but master in none?

We can't all be what we yearn to be. Not all dreams become reality. Some live their dreams, some keep on dreaming and just that...no more. It ends once we start our eternal slumber.

Then again, so do most things.

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