I Want to Believe

1. ...but there is an omnipresent black hole that sucks the living daylight from every sliver of light that flickers.

But the need to believe - this trust in God - wants to fight back. And so it struggles on, with whatever ounce of energy it has.

And, as always, my Ego self that is perpetually in the middle of a tug of war between the Superego and Id, will always swing to one side and then to the other. I'm getting dizzy from all the motion, sick of all the drama, and growing numb from all the uncertainty.

It's always the same darn thing over and over again, and really, when will this cycle end!? Haven't I learnt anything!?

2. ...It's pretty obvious that I'm trying to get in the mood for Psychiatry, is it not? Perhaps it's a means to drown the unpleasantness that I had to suffer through back then.

3. Bought a book that I've been searching for since roughly a week ago. The Sherlockian by Graham Moore. At this point in time I know I shouldn't be investing in more fictions, of all things, but lately it's getting hard to find joy in things that I used to have so much passion for. And so when the need to indulge comes, especially when it comes to those that rank high in my list of addictions, then there is simply no compromise.

Kind of like coffee too, come to think of it. There's the phase of need, then when it's not fulfilled the withdrawal symptoms come, and later on you'll find yourself drinking coffee just to maintain your physiological level at a basic functioning state. Otherwise the neurons get cranky, firing up in the areas that you least need activity in.

4. “The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live” ~ Joan Borysenko

...Lately I keep on getting killer questions, even _after_ the exams. Oh heck.

5. I was asked what my new year resolution would be. Then it struck me - with great horror! - how out of touch with time I've been lately, and that things are really coming at full speed, regardless whether I'm ready to play catch with it or am even prepared for a defense.
"What will be your 2011 resolution?"
'OMG it's really going to be next year soon! OMG!' "...to get skin hypertrophy." 'And it's not in the cancerous version, dear God...please, not that.'
"What?"
"...meaning to grow a thicker skin."

...Yeah. Maybe this numbness is a way of getting there. Perhaps it's not too impossible after all?

6. Why this? Because I can, and I need to lay off this blog for a bit. All the extra-lengthy posts gobbles up too much of my time, and it's probably easier opting for summaries and graphic representations instead.
Take note: Probably.
...Oh God.

Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry

Zetsubou-shita!

Keyword of the day: Despair.

And no, I don't think it's delusional for me to think so. In fact, to be able to still engage myself in decent conversations in addition to the fact that Prof Sani (who joined Prof. A to take my short case this morning) remarked that my smiling meant that I did well in my long case, which is false, by the way, would mean that I might be having some mood incongruity. But today itself I had more than enough of thought blocks and depressive mood and...I'm starting to think that taking a neutral stand by responding "Whatever" is possibly the best one, given my current condition.

Am I even making sense here? Argh.

As a side note, I'm sort of looking forward to Psychiatric posting - to be there as a student, of course, not a patient! And when I say "looking forward" to it, I am _not_ talking about the clinical aspect.

Current Music: One in A Million - Bosson

About Time

We interrupt your usual program to broadcast this obligatory pre-exam panic-infused entry by one final year medical student who really should've got the hang of exams by now but no...things are rarely that simple for her.

Confound it.

It's amazing how the more pressed for time you are, the more unexpected things happen to take exactly that away, and replaces in its void a mix of dread, regret, fear and frustration. At more things than one, which really doesn't really help at all when all I need is some decent perspective, and some serenity.

It's also amazing how everything that one has read before can be easily swept away when one is overwhelmed by...well, anything, I suppose. I can't speak for everyone. Besides, my brain isn't what it used to be. Is this the effect of aging!? Or could it be depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder or just plain bad memory? Or is my heart already too corrupt that it has lost its ability to absorb knowledge?

Revision weeks, how I miss thee.

...Right. Carry on with your business, people.


Current Music: Coming to Terms - Carolina Liar

Limbo of Lingos

I thought I had a firm grasp on reading.

That was before I came face to face with the wall of words, lingos and terminologies that are destined to mess with my head.

Barely five minutes into this thing we're supposed to prepare - a seminar on Journal Presentation - and already my head is reeling like an unending roller coaster ride.

Maybe the main problem is I don't get a single idea of how it's supposed to be, and so the what does not follow. Or maybe it's the other way around - oh God, I have no idea. At all. I'm just overwhelmed by the influx of massive data that my brain wants to hit the 'pause' button - only that it's nowhere to be found.

Should I just let my right brain take over the ride? In that case there's a great danger of this journal literature review turning into a literature review of another sort - in which fiction reigns supreme and my imagination runs wild.

Is it possible to choke from reading too much? I mean, as of now, there are seven tabs on journals that are open. SEVEN! You can't even count that with one hand!

...

I need a break from all this.

Current Music: Say (All I Need) - OneRepublic

Intermission #14

In which I realise that it's already December, which means that a lot of things are coming at me...soon. Gasp.

Source

Source

...Methinks I should just get meself a tumblr account if I'm just spamming this place with pictures. It's already too small for my ardent tirades and inexhaustible verbiage.

Giving the Lie

A poem by Sir Walter Raleigh. Oh, he's just the fellow who introduced tobacco to the world England, and while I am unhappy with him for that, it is still tragic how he fell victim to the circumstances and how he met his end.

Perhaps this life, to some extent, is still full of lies.

"The Lie" - Sir Walter Raleigh

Go, soul, the body's guest,
….Upon a thankless arrant;
Fear not to touch the best;
….The truth shall be thy warrant:
….….Go, since I needs must die,
….….And give the world the lie.

Say to the court it glows
….And shines like rotten wood,
Say to the church it shows
….What's good, and doth no good:
….….If church and court reply,
….….Then give them both the lie.

Tell potentates, they live
….Acting, by others' action;
Not lov'd unless they give;
….Not strong, but by affection.
….….If potentates reply,
….….Give potentates the lie.

Tell men of high condition,
….That manage the estate,
Their purpose is ambition;
….Their practice only hate.
….….And if they once reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell them that brave it most,
….They beg for more by spending,
Who in their greatest cost
….Like nothing but commending.
….….And if they make reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell zeal it wants devotion;
….Tell love it is but lust;
Tell time it meets but motion;
….Tell flesh it is but dust:
….….And wish them not reply,
….….For thou must give the lie.

Tell age it daily wasteth;
….Tell honour how it alters;
Tell beauty how she blasteth;
….Tell favour how it falters:
….….And as they shall reply,
….….Give every one the lie.

Tell wit how much it wrangles
….In tickle points of niceness;
Tell wisdom she entangles
….Herself in over-wiseness:
….….And when they do reply,
….….Straight give them both the lie.

Tell physic of her boldness;
….Tell skill it is prevention;
Tell charity of coldness;
….Tell law it is contention:
….….And as they do reply,
….….So give them still the lie.

Tell fortune of her blindness;
….Tell nature of decay;
Tell friendship of unkindness;
….Tell justice of delay:
….….And if they will reply,
….….Then give them all the lie.

Tell arts they have no soundness,
….But vary by esteeming;
Tell schools they want profoundness,
….And stand too much on seeming.
….….If arts and schools reply,
….….Give arts and schools the lie.

Tell faith it's fled the city;
….Tell how the country erreth;
Tell manhood, shakes off pity;
….Tell virtue, least preferreth.
….….And if they do reply,
….….Spare not to give the lie.

So when thou hast, as I
….Commanded thee, done blabbing;
Because to give the lie
….Deserves no less than stabbing:
….….Stab at thee, he that will,
….….No stab thy soul can kill!


Current Music: How to Save A Life - The Fray

Baggage

She stares ahead of her, eyes bobbing from left to right then to left again, at the crowd milling about before her. Her bag lies nearby, but she makes no move to assert her claim over it.

"You should keep an eye on that, you know," I murmur. Hopefully it does not come out as too bossy for her tastes.

She is momentarily taken by surprise. She pulls it closer to her side; whether out of following my advice or out of suspicion as to what I could possibly be up to, it is difficult to tell.

"Fascinating, isn't it?" I ask.

"You think so?" she says, hesitant.

"Isn't it?" I repeat myself. "Here we are, in possibly one of the best sites to observe the general public as they are. Everyone has his or her luggage - some have more than the other - and they have a place to go. Except, perhaps..." I nod in one direction, where a young child stands, lost, glancing around her, looking as if she's going to burst into tears any moment now, "...those who are still uncertain of their path in life, still dependent on other people."

My companion looks relieved when the little girl rejoins her parents, and the trio disappear from view, joining the crowd.

"Where are you heading?" I ask conversationally.

She glances at her ticket. "I don't know for sure."

"No?"

She holds the item up for my benefit. Aside from certain details as the time and place to board, it is as good as empty.

"That doesn't look right," I remark, raising an eyebrow.

"It doesn't," she agrees monotonously.

After the pause, I hazard a question, "But you know where you want to go to, don't you?"

She scrunches her face, her forehead now wrinkling in cogitation. "Yes." She meets my eyes, her grip on the ticket tightening. "Very much so."

"Great. You know what to do, then."

She nods.

"And what it takes to get there."

"Quite so."

"There will be necessary sacrifices along the way. Naturally."

"Naturally," she echoes. She however uncaps her pen and begins jotting something down on her ticket. With that done, she pockets it away. She then unzips her bag, and begins taking out several things, one by one. Noticing my enquiring gaze, she explains simply, "There are things that we should just leave behind us, aren't there?"

"Yes. But they might come back to you, somehow. Some do that, you know. Kind of like...nightmares."

"They might, but for now, they're not needed." She pauses. "Or, rather, I don't need them. I know it for a fact. If they ever come back, I'll just rinse and repeat." When I get to my feet, she makes it her point to ask, "You're leaving already?"

"Yes."

"But you--" From the way she eyes my empty hands, it is enough a hint as to what she is getting at. "You already have everything you need?" she asks tentatively. And - if I may say so myself - doubtfully.

I manage a small smile. "Yes." Taking the first few steps away from her, I motion a wave. "I'll see you when you get there."

It takes her a couple of moments to reply, and I am already some distance from her. But from the determination in her voice as she yells out "It's a promise!", I probably have nothing much to worry about.

---

Work of fiction (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010.

Current Music: Everything is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack

Even When All Seems Lost...

Even when the nights seem darkest,
even when everything else fails,
even when doubt consumes all...

Image from here; Poster generated from Keepcalm-O-Matic

Current Music: Made for You - OneRepublic

Hopefully Not Just Hot Air...

Dear God, I apologise for being such an ingrate, but my headache, myalgia and lethargy are conspiring against me, that I soon find myself thinking about everything and then nothing then everything again, all in rapid succession, and I cannot keep up.
Perhaps the issue of global warming is one to reckon with. Here is a list as to how global warming is evil. Really evil. Seriously evil.

1. The heat enrages people.
2. Following the point above, people are more aggressive on the road, behind the wheels. Passengers are not exempt from this influence.
3. As a consequence of Point (2), accidents might happen. God Forbid! (Excuse me while I dedicate a moment of silence to Miyavi...)
4. The sun is too glaring, it blinds people - with rage, or while driving.
5. Point (3) also applies to Point (4).
6. My thermoregulatory centre cannot adjust to the extreme temperatures. One moment I'm in the library/OT shivering like whoa, and the next I'm right under the hot, unforgiving ball of fire we call the sun, struggling with a throbbing headache that signifies an imminent migraine, and perspiring to the extent that I fear getting dehydrated. My water bottle tries to help, but at times it fails too...
7. Sleep. Then again, we sleep in whatever weather - be it hot or cold. Human nature? Inherent laziness? The need to dream? Hmph.
8. The craving for something cold - which is oftentimes sweet as well. Specifically, ice cream. More specifically, Cornetto (I blame Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright for this...). Needless to say, my pancreas is not happy.
9. In relation to (8), I'm annoyed for having no fridge. Guhh.
10. Too hot, too uncomfortable, cannot study. *headdesk*

Current Music: That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain

This is, like, y'know, cool and stuff...

*cough* ...well, at least it is, by my standards, being a stickler for words and linguistics and the related. And I'm starting to be intrigued by this typography thing...ahh, the wonders of graphics and technology.




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Now playing: The Classic Crime - Sing
via FoxyTunes

P/s: ...I miss Miyavi so bad. *sigh*

Soredemo Jinsei wa Tsuzuketeiru

Even so, life goes on.

There are no words that could describe it. Everything felt like a dream. Even the aftermath felt surreal. But the physical pain and emotional uneasiness are anything but fake.

It was blurry - a blur of grey ("smoke, dear God, there's smoke coming out..."), red ("...I'm bleeding...") and white ("So that's how my airbags look like..."). And the fact that my companions were apparently well, and that I was still able to collect my senses. And then there were people...lots of people...and there was a swirl of emotions - all sorts of them, one after another and at other times, all at the same time - that seem to congest my chest...

What could have been, what should have been - they can be sensitive business.

But yeah, at the end of the day, what God has decreed will eventually happen, despite what measure we've taken to prevent it. Why? Only He Knows.

And only He will repay those who has helped to ease our hardships yesterday. God Bless.

Heartfelt gratitude to those who texted me with your wishes and concern. Apologies for giving people something extra to worry about.

Thank God that things didn't get any worse.

...Well, whaddaya know...There's still some optimism in me after all. Hmm.

P/s: I realise now that I prefer the term "accident" rather than my own mother tongue's "kemalangan". The latter has the root word of "unfortunate", which indirectly blames your luck, or what God has decided for you. The term "accident", on the other hand, denotes something unexpected, something that's not desirable. So there.

Soredemo Chikyuu wa Mawatteiru

Even so, the Earth continues to spin. Title is based on the Shaft anime, Soredemo Machi wa Mawatteiru.

Everybody's watches, even though they may differ by up to ten minutes or more despite being in the same time zone, generally run in the same speed. One second on your watch should be of the same duration on mine.

Nonetheless this doesn't mean that our brains work at the same speed. Brains and physicals...basically everything else.

We each face different things in life. No matter how we find ourselves in the same situation, your perspective differ from mine. Experiences may be the same, but what we get from it, how it eventually shapes up, could mean a world of differences.

Time brings changes. Changes that could be good to some or to most, but damaging to the rest.

Sometimes we forget that we are adults. Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in revert us back to our former selves. Former ugly selves, ones that we thought we had vanquished aeons ago.

Regardless, I respect how people have their own demons - inner or outer demons - to face and to conquer. So I make it my business to not trouble people beyond what is necessary. Which probably makes me a tad dysfunctional, but what else is new?

I've long given up expectations, which explains why I tend to approach things with little to no enthusiasm, except in very select cases. This method has served me well...until things became worse than what I had anticipated.

I wanted to blame my lack of foresight, but I can't. Because there's no way of doing it without instigating a whole new load of angst, one which I'd probably could never handle for the life of me.

Playing hide and seek doesn't seem to work. It always finds me, most of the time at the most undesirable moment and company. While I'm busy juggling with life's challenges and all this emotional baggage, people move on and tend to assume that I'd be all right with _everything_ they decide on - even when their verdict affects me enormously.

I'm sick of hiding behind pleasantries when there is no justification for it. My rights need to be fought for, and nobody else is going to do it for me. It's probably not in their job description anyway.

It's a futile battle, but I can't go down without a fight. A civilised fight, at least to the best of my capabilities. If there is no space for a win-win situation, then so be it. But no way am I going to be satisfied with loss, because I've been compromising enough for far too long.

The game is on.

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Now playing: Carolina Liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For
via FoxyTunes

Broken

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.” ~ Stanley Lindquist

I used to be naive. Too naive for my own good.

The world, through my eyes, is too cruel. My rose-tinted glasses had shattered in its wake, and the shards pierce deep and painfully into my soles. Each step becomes more painful than the one before.

The knowledge doesn't make the journey any less painful. Despite the preparation, there will always be something - a weak point that will be the downfall of everything else. Like cotton candy torn to bits by a machine-gun gone amok. Or a small hole that will eventually be ripped open, wider and wider, that soon an entire forest of elephants could go through the opening.

I don't like being the target. A punching bag for hits of all sorts. When you have no artillery at your disposal for your defense - or, heck, even a brick wall - then all you can do is stand still, as still as whatever left of your dignity allows you, and take it all in your stride.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But this...this is poisoning slowly, that by the time the damage is beyond repair, I'd probably be in a vegetative state, or, simply put, have long snapped.


God Forbid though.

...That is all. For now.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

It's always the same when the time comes, that we should've known by now

Except that we rarely do. Maybe it's the defense mechanism kicking in - trying to suppress the unpleasant memories of the unpleasant experiences in favour of more joyful ones.

Except that it comes with a price - we fail to learn from our mistakes.

Right. That still doesn't change the fact that we have our exams on Monday, befitting the end of the block.

Dear God. What with the full schedule in the past few days, I had some minor disorientation to time. One time I was quite absent-minded, such as applying shampoo _twice_ instead of the conditioner after the shampoo. Quite a waste of good shampoo too, tsk tsk. Kept on forgetting my car keys, only noticing it after I exited my room. Went to class yesterday without my watch, and I felt lost without it. Oh, and should I even mention the arrhythmia I felt during two of my classes this week?

The stress is making people irritable. God Forbid, it might just be worse when the Final Pro is around the corner...

I still hate Nelson with a passion. I think it's one of those things that makes my interest in Paediatrics impossible to nurture.

...God help us all. Please.


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Typos. Argh.

Bittersweet

Life being life, moderation is the key. That said, God Knows how many times I've been accused of being dangerously close to either extremes...

I was in a bleak mood for most of the time in the past week. Several good things did happen - phone calls from good friends (especially a certain long distance call, halfway across the world *nudgenudgewinkwink*), presents, some laughter, teasings, much Apple fangirling - but being a pessimist, sometimes the clouds obliterate the sunshine just too easily.

I thought it was because of my being deprived from shopping, as it appeared that I was unable to shop without feeling guilty, hence in the end I'd just abandon the intention and settle for window shopping instead. Then I deduced that it would be more worthwhile to shop back in my hometown anyway...and yes, my homesickness was at a whole new level - and it comes attacking more frequent lately, what's up with that!?

I have never been much of an enthusiast when it comes to serious things. It has always been like a love-hate relationship since my third year, when more things and variables start to enter into the picture. Then came a time that my soul whimpered, and started asking God - Am I doing it right? Why is it so difficult to turn back? Why does everything seem so uncertain, so hopeless?

"Crossroads" (1999), by István Orosz

The answer came late, but what's important is that it _did_ come.

I met a couple of interesting people lately. The downside of being in this course with my kind of personality is that I prefer hanging around those that I already knew instead of meeting new bunch of people on a regular basis. What's interesting is that they managed to give me a boost of motivation - okay, not much, but better than nothing! - when it comes to pursuing the future.

Why is it that my enthusiasm is easily dampened lately? Maybe it's because of my struggle with my intention, my raison d'etre in this course, and my stand on a lot of different issues.

The wisest thing to do now would be to "Keep calm and carry on".

There is no time for idle contemplations. An escape route is there, but the path heading there is full of knaves and personae non gratae, thorns and traps.


Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liar

Intermission #13

Hope becomes dreams, but dreams turn into nightmares.

We move on, we age on,
We gain some, we leave some,
In the end, is it all worth it?
What we kept for what we have lost?

Life gets tougher
because it assumes you do too


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Now playing: Savage Garden - Affirmation
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Nobody describes my sentiment towards Nelson Essentials of Paediatrics better than Dorothy Parker: "This book is not to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force".

*headdesk*

A Day in Hours

Oh God.

24.

Two dozens.

The number of hours in a day.

I feel so old. Maybe not in the sense of wrinkling foreheads or sagging cheeks or silvery white hair - at least, I hope not - but in that I start to worry about my health. All the stress I've been accumulating thus far is not something to be proud of, to be allowed to be retained in me to wreck havoc in unthinkable ways, everywhere and at any times.

And...I wonder if I act my age enough. Should I abandon my theatrical air and instead settle for a sombre one? Or should I shed that which is holding me down because - well, it's high time that I must break free?

Decisions, decisions. The only thing more difficult is to act upon it...or maybe not.

Sigh.

There's still a lot of things that I can't comprehend, can't tolerate, can't properly respond to.

Still a lot more that needs to be done.

In short, there's still a lot of change to be undertaken.

…Though I wonder if I'm already too late?


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Now playing: Vertical Horizon - All of You
via FoxyTunes


P/s: What the heck am I doing spouting melancholic preoccupations on a day like this!? *facepalm*

Smoky Grey

I have other obligations to see to, but this entry insists that I get down to it before I attend to other more pressing matters.

Things were relatively simple in the old days. We only had a problem of quantity - namely, the amount of information that we get. Now? It's not so much on the amount - unless some narrow-minded imbeciles decide that excessive-but-badly-misplaced censoring, restricted-and/or-fabricated-journalism *cough*mainstreammedia*cough*, and highly offensive blogs are the keys to successful rule and maintaining influence - but it's the quality that we should worry about.

Academically speaking, there're textbooks and journals and other literature. Some people frown upon simple search engines or online encyclopedia e.g. Wikipedia, eMedicine, and even Google (not Google Scholar, mind you). And that's just the serious issues.

Of course there are the unnecessary piece of information that we possibly could do without. The problem is to some, these information are their bread and butter, their daily requirement.

Now's not a problem of lack of information. Rather, it's the over-abundant and ambiguous information. If people in the past used to have to travel far and wide to seek for a teacher, now we're stuck having to confirm every bits and pieces of whatever data we have managed to procure so far before we can say anything.

One good thing about the Net is that everyone can contribute. The downside? Everyone can contribute whatever rubbish they have to say, if they feel like it.

And don't even get me started with the newspapers. I'm starting to think that the only worthwhile page in the paper would be the comics section.

I once advised a patient not to read the newspapers. Reason? She was hypertensive and I said (joked?) that reading tragic and gruesome news wouldn't exactly be safe for the heart. But yeah, we must know about other occurrences elsewhere - if only to realise that the world today is not as safe as we'd like to think.

Anyhow, the idea is this - the world, through my eyes, has never been more grey. I can't see the demarcation, and I only find out that I've transgressed the limits that the general public had dictated only after the act.

To some, reasons sound like excuses. Humility like stupidity, and over-confidence as an over-inflated ego.

We believe what we want to believe, most of the time. Blinded by prejudice won't really help improve things.

I want to believe that there is light at the end of this long, shadowy tunnel...but my torchlight's running out of battery and my limbs out of energy. The mind has started to take over, materialising evil trolls that appear to multiply in number.

I do wish I have a bazooka to shoot down all the stigma though. Only, I might end up blowing other things as well - like the foundation of the tunnel, which in the end would only bury me in too deep...

...where there will be no air, no light.

...No salvation.


Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liars

Painfully Honest

So tired. Is this what 'burnout' feels like?

Things could be worse, though. I see the present as an exercise, a preparation for a potentially worse(?) future.

I asked myself a question once. A question that stemmed out of all the frustration that had been caged in me, the million dollar (possibly more) question that I fearfully realised that I had no answer to.

"Are you really happy?"

I stunned myself silence for several minutes, and then I was almost aware of the gush of blood that rushed through my cerebral circulation in an attempt for an honest response. Palpitations shook my heart against the ribs, and it felt as if I was given into tremors. The only sound I heard then was the sound of the fan above me, all noise but not as much efficient as I would like it to be.

Truth is unbearably bitter.

Then it dawned on me, as slowly as the rising sun but by no means as magnificent or illuminating: "Either way, you won't be happy. There'll always be something."

But Reason - wherever it exists within my person - was in time to reach out to me with a retort: "You're happiest as you are right now. Maybe not in the way it is normally believed what 'happiness' represents to the general population, but there is certainly no reason to believe that He has forsaken you."

Because some bits of my past are a testament to that - that God Works in miraculous ways; ways that one could never have imagined.

Perhaps happiness is when one doesn't compromise temporary joys to those that really, really matter. Saying things like "in the end, it doesn't really matter" really strains one own person in many different ways.

One thing is for sure: Resentment is like a cancer. It eats you up and leaves you worse for wear.

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Intermission #12

This is getting way out of hand. I left for just over two weeks, only to come back and discover that they have taken over my domain!?

It would explain the allergic reaction.

This is unacceptable.

This means war, and I'm taking no prisoners.

...Why, oh WHY is our room suddenly being _dangerously_ infested with ants!?


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Made For You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Apparently ants are not so choosy nowadays, are they? That was my dinner that they conquered! *headdesk*

(No) Boundaries

"Responsibility is the price of greatness" ~ Winston Churchill

Perhaps you'd agree with me if I say that childhood ends when life ceases to appear as straightforward. Teenage years commence when one tends to exaggerate the level of such entanglements - "Nobody understands me! Screw you, world!" or "Look at me, the rebel without a cause!" - oftentimes due to seeing oneself as more adult than one truly is; some sort of an identity crisis, being caught between two phases.

As for adulthood, that's when you surrender to the fact that no, the world wouldn't stop being so difficult just because you told her to...and so you resolve to make the most out of it - press on despite the raging currents, rise above even when everything seems to bring you down.

Because our survival instincts know that we essentially don't have any other choice.

But we sometimes stop and wonder - "What if everything I've done so far was a mistake?"

Am I just complicating things, by questioning the validity of the status quo?

Some things in life need to be changed by one’s own hands. Others need to be accepted and tolerated as they are, and the remaining deserves no attention whatsoever.

Some things need to be done, others are optional, and the rest…they don’t matter, whatever their outcome may be.

Sometimes the demarcation is easy, other times difficult. But perhaps, the only thing more difficult than the latter is the initiative to truly act as what is needed of you. Treating unimportant matters as important, and vice versa, is akin to putting things not in their proper place. Yes, it is injustice.

Easier said than done, I confess.

We will falter at times, when the situation is most dire, or when we are simply exhausted beyond imagination. It is then that we just have to remember – there are always prayers, and there will always be Him, Who would Listen in His Own Way…even when the rest of the world turns a deaf ear and walks out on you.

Source

Current Music: Signal (Acoustic Version) - Kelun

Intermission #11

I scrutinize this blog's tag list and I am torn between laughing bitterly and heavy sighing. While it is by no means surprising, it is a cause of concern that does need rectifying.

Going by the frequency, the highest number of entries are those that revolve around med-life, people and anguish. Yes, this little corner in the www might just be a little too pessimistic for its own good.

That is not to say that I'm a full-blown pessimist bordering on suicidal thoughts (despite my frequent talks about jumping off buildings - God forgive me) and more-than-occasional anhedonia. But with negative feelings, there is a greater need to analyse and allow it to unfold - hence the blog entries.

The response to joy is easier - extend one's gratitude to God, don't let it get to your head, and carry on. There is less need to ruminate over it, with less drama involved.

There isn't much else to say. My hobbies are few. I'm losing interest in anime, and it's getting difficult trying to keep abreast with recent updates on my J-music fix. Books I rarely purchase these days - one reason is the sheer price and another is the need to focus on academic reading - so I mostly read online stuff. Politics has to be avoided - there's too much idiocy going on and it's no use getting so emotionally worked up over them. Wouldn't want to toe over the line of sensitive issues, would we? And I tell you there's a lot of that contributing to my brain activity...more than what should be permitted for normal functioning level.

I'm honestly running out of things to write about. Would it spell the end of my writing?

...Yeah, right. There'll always be something; Something...

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Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes

The Simple(r) Life

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

What if everything that you have ever known or thought that you believed in whole-heartedly - was in fact wrong? Would you say that you were tricked by those delusions? Or would you say that they spawned from ignorance, and now you are freed from those lies - only that you're already leaping across a huge chasm; falling into it means being swallowed alive with no hope raising above and seeing the light, while reaching the other side means facing the great unknown, the indomitable evil within and outside, brutes who are only too eager to bring you down?

Maybe my thinking is a bit too radical, too alien for this part of the world, this community I'm living in. How I came to the realisation that I feel more comfortable working alone compared to dealing with people of all sorts was a shock. I've never thought I'd have this kind of predicament before - whatever happened to the me of yore, who was able to freely achieve things that the current me is still finding the courage to?

And yet when my old friends remarked that I "haven't changed a bit", part of me just wanted to laugh bitterly. Oh, if only they knew...

I missed those days that I did not have to worry about trifles, and how Chance never appeared to me like a looming spectre, eager to grasp me in his claws and tear me apart, and how Uncertainty never laughed at my fumbling in a B-grade sitcom.

If I could go back in time to see the younger version of me, I would engage her in a long, long talk. One that probably would convert her to the current me a bit sooner, but probably would save her the trouble in the long run.

But no! There is no way to turn back the clock. Gone are those days when we could laugh easily and look forward to a brighter, more promising day ahead. In retrospect, those problems that we faced as children were tantamount to nothing - entirely insignificant - to those that we face now. Perhaps the same will ring true when our future self puts our current self in juxtaposition.

It's irreversible. Why is it that we can't seem to learn!?

We only have the Past as our teacher, the Present as our arsenals, and the Future as our spoils of war, a trophy that embodied the blood and tears that we had put into. And we put ourselves - perhaps so much more! - at stake in this great battle.

Ah, the power of belief...so influential, yet so incorrigible.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #10

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress" ~ Bruce Barton

1. Good grief. How I miss the revision weeks we once enjoyed before we became fifth year students...without it, time is speeding beyond the speed of light and I am left scrambled for whatever pieces I could gather.

In O&G, it felt like most of my time was spent trying to look for procedures, waiting for deliveries and timing pregnant ladies' contractions (...). That, and the innumerable nights that I lost sleep, making my biological clock more chaotic than ever. And my brain - my poor brain is starting to rebel against me.

I don't know. That's just how things are. Who am I to say anything else?

2. Sometimes I do wish some people would mind others. We live in a community, don't we? Then, for the love of God, please treat public property like one and stop hogging it like it's personal property. *cringe*

3. No more. If I start rambling further...who knows what my caffeine-deprived, sleepy brain would say next? Perhaps those things I'll forever regret...

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Now playing: Maroon Five - Misery
via FoxyTunes

Comme Il Faut

Comme il faut (Fr.)
- lit. as is necessary
- correct in behavior or etiquette

Source: Oxford American Dictionary

“Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively” ~ Voltaire

In that case I am certifiably mad. As in, angered to a point of physical retaliation, or an acidic retort.

It is inevitable. It has happened to our seniors in the previous years, and will continue to happen in the future. It's impossible to built this sense of camaraderie when there are just too many people that your personal space gets invaded, and when an amiable offer is returned by what is in essence impudence.

I hardly think I am abusing my seniority. The fact that other people share my sentiments _must_ mean something.

It's amazing how emotions can cloud one's perception. Amazing and dangerous, definitely. Between two people sharing some similarities - be it blood ties, appearance or even behaviour - our prejudices can tell them apart and react to what we see as deserving to each party in question.

I swear, if I'm ever peeved again by that wench, I won't hold back.

I Can (Not) Advance

Title is based on that of the new Evangelion movie, Evangelion 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance.

Penalise me, if you must, for beginning this entry with an all too depressing note, but let it end there. It's a balance that I must have, the inevitable phase that I go through after a period of positive outlook in life. I was rebuked for taking on this blanket statement, and because I can be such a hard-headed ignoramus, I took my argument no further. Delusions I must not indulge myself in, and being lost in a tsunami of raging emotions is never an option. Life is too short for us to be morose, or so I was told, but we are also advocated to always stay true to ourselves.

Perhaps there will be those who will agree with me when I say that no other postings highlights the concept of God's provisions better than Obstetrics and Gynaecology. There's simply no telling what will happen, much less when. Or to whom. Or who will be there to seize it.

I'm in despair. Time is quickly running out, and my energy limited.

I want to believe (even though I can't) amidst the situation I am in. I want to look up at the open skies, but the mud I trudge on sinks me deep.

I don't want to lose hope in the shifaa' - the panacea - that God has given.

I just want to believe that there's something for everyone. And that in the end, it _does_ really matter.

"And He giveth you of all that ye ask for. But if ye count the favours of Allah, never will ye be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude" (14:34) (Source).

Source

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Now playing: Hans Zimmer - Panic, Sheer Bloody Panic
via FoxyTunes

Lest We Forget

"Sungguh, Allah tidak akan menzalimi seseorang walaupun sebesar zarah, dan jika ada kebajikan (sekecil zarah), nescaya Allah akan melipat gandakannya dan memberikan pahala yang besar dari sisi-Nya" (4:40)

"Dan orang yang beriman serta mengerjakan kebajikan, Kami tidak akan membebani seseorang melainkan menurut kesanggupannya. Mereka itulah penghuni syurga; mereka kekal di dalamnya" (7:42)

It's something that, despite our encounter day in and day out, we can't seem to hold on to staunchly. Because it's always easier to see yourself as a victim instead of one who's given the chance by Him to improve yourself.

...On a lighter note, BBC will be airing their new series - Sherlock - this Sunday. Do want! And why is it that good shows that I'm dying to watch are popping up when I have more important things to attend to!?

Modern day Sherlock Holmes. I personally prefer the Victorian era but no matter.

And moustache-less!Watson will need some time getting used to...

There are No Words

I lied. Of course there are words; otherwise there would be no entry.

My mood has been melodramatic, at best. It's more on the indescribable side; I feel like a painter who was just asked to explain her abstract drawing. Maybe that is not art on the canvas, but rather, mere splotches and drips of paint orchestrated by the irascible paintbrush.

Maybe this issue of altering what is deeply engraved in me takes more than I can manage. Maybe not, but there's no discounting that possibility.

I don't want to see the world as conspiring against me, because it's akin to having little to no faith in His Plans.

For now, it's time to try controlling what can be controlled. Hmph.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Onus

Onus - (L.) accountability/responsibility;
1. A duty or responsibility that is a source of anxiety, worry, or hardship
2. A mark of discredit or disgrace
3. Responsibility for an error or crime

I know I'm not supposed to blog as much as before, with the little time we have before that fateful day we call our Final Professional Examinations, scheduled to be on May 23, 2011.

But it's hard to deny what is essential our identity. To change what one is already too accustomed to, to change one's own rhythm. Such is the power of habits; so difficult to break.

So taxing is the change on my psyche that I succumbed to an illness - a minor one, but an illness all the same - within the span of 24 hours. Perhaps, God Willing, I'll still be able to attend class tomorrow, as long as this malaise resolves and my energy returns to my veins.

Sometimes it's just much easier when you have no other choice. It's "You have to do this!" all the way, without any room for a "Maybe".

It's the same with Medicine. Quoting Dr. S one week ago, since we are presently fifth years, we are "no longer juvenile". In other words, there is no excuse to screw up.

Compare that to Dr. A's "Now's the time to make mistakes. The only time you're not given such liberty is during the exams".

I personally am more inclined to the second school of thought. But the first is correct too - as long as one's basics are sound, then one should be all right.

...Honestly, God deserves more Faith to be put in Him. More than we could ever possibly give.


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Now playing: ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D - Complication
via FoxyTunes

Out for Blood

My choice in literature is simple: Give me a good mystery, preferably murder, and tell it in a good way. Bonus points if there are puzzles that have double meanings and have some reference rooted in history. (And I was not impressed by The Woman in White, although I lost sleep over the book because I couldn't put the book down owing to the sentiment running along the lines of "Good God, will you just end and release me from this torture?!")

But the current fad is - wait for it - vampires. Those blood-sucking undead with (close to) human faces and fangs that elongate when necessary.

And yes, while I do not see vampires as my cup of tea, allow me to say this: I want my vampire stories to have essence, at least one credible plotline, and characters that are fleshed out well and don't make me feel like I'm reading some self-fulfillment fantasies of an abysmal kind of writer who don't deserve to get her/his book published in the first place.

Do I need to mention the title, the so-called saga? I think not. Some people will be out for my blood...and as if I don't have enough social life at stake here...

Another confession: I have never read Bram Stoker's Dracula before. I do know a bit on the person he was based on - Vlad Tepes a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler, a sadistic prince from Romania who took pleasure in dining in his garden among his victims impaled on sticks, like a forest of bodies. The closest(?) vampire book that I read was Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. I read that thick book in the dead of the night while my roommates were asleep, and I got goosebumps. But I did finish it after several months, and while the plot was relatively unremarkable and the writing occasionally deteriorated to mundane description of landscapes, at least the vampires there had no qualms about attacking people to achieve their ends. Did it feel like some sort of a history lesson? Yes, but at least it wasn't as bad as our secondary school syllabus.

And Vampire Knight just didn't strike a chord even after I gave it the three-episodes-trial. The humour fell flat, and some things were just too unbelievable to take seriously.

Despite my lack of affinity with the supernatural beings (be it fiction or in real life, let's pray it'll stay that way!), already I have two vampire-related stories to check out:

(1) Shiki
It's the most anticipated series for the summer season, and will be a long series at over 20 episodes. Hope it's not anything like Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, because that one I couldn't tolerate although it was deemed as one of the best horror series. Others deem it a must watch for those who liked Ghost Hound, a title which I've been wanting to see as well. Still, this will be only kept in view while I embark on an adventure that is the fifth year (gasp!) because I discovered with Durarara!! that it is more fun marathon-ing the episodes rather than wait weekly.

To be honest, the character design irks me somewhat. Does the pointy chin serve any purpose beyond aesthetics?

(2) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
A new novel. Yes, Lincoln as in one of the past presidents of the US. Yes, he hunted vampires. Yes, it's a work of fiction.
...I'll just wait for a paperback version.

Yes, I am aware that I have better things to read. Thank God Durarara!! and Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood are over.

...Until some other anime comes along. And one is already upon me. Begone, temptation!


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #9

Less than half a week more until I step into campus as a fifth year student. And, as my instinct has correctly hinted for the past 2, 3 weeks...Obstetrics & Gynaecology would be one of the earlier postings I've to conquer. Turned out that O&G is the first one that comes my way. Of course, it appears that my attempt at optimism does nothing to quell this state of unrest.

Oh dear.

*Cringe*

Massive writer's block. It's killing the words in my brain and muting my tongue. Maybe it's because of some bad writing that masquerades as literature when it's actually nothing more than a pile of endless drivel that deserves the paper-shredding machine treatment, then thrown into some toxic cesspool far away from human civilisation.

This issue of postings and fifth year stuff needs to be carefully digested before I can get myself back together.

Note to roommate: If you ever, in this academic year, catch me banging my head against a wall or engaging in other acts that endangers my well-being and makes you question the state of my sanity, feel free to intervene for the greater good. Thank you.


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Now playing: Oasis - Falling Down
via FoxyTunes

P/s: I need to find another spot in the Net to hang out in. Lately the issues are about races and stuff, and that doesn't make yours truly one happy camper. Thank God there's still some voice of reason in this world.

Relatively Speaking...

Some things are just beyond me.

I recall a conversation I had once with a good friend of mine during secondary school, in which I remarked that I'd consider Einstein to be more ingenious if he could put his explanations in simpler terms. She replied that it's because he was such an unparalleled genius that his thinking exceeds that of an average person's, hence the capability to think of things that we the little people could never think of.

Well, I _was_ a young, unmindful teenager back then. Maybe I was at fault for not bothering to find a simpler explanation for his Theory of Relativity. But never mind - my physics-depraved mind no longer swings that way after having four years stripped away from that privilege.

Everybody moves at his or her own pace. Keeping up with them can be tough - not to say that social networks make it easier. I mean, my FB is just like a Touch-and-Go sensor - I go online and only if I feel like it (which is rare, tbh) I sign in, then I sign out. Call me a bad friend, whatever, but the truth is, there's too many things for me to read there. God Knows if it's my short attention span, but I'd be honest to you - I just can't catch up. May I blame the time lapse?

Some people move too fast for me, some people just dropped out of communication. So does yours truly.

Is it okay to lag behind in certain aspects? Some are racing like their lives depend on it, some are taking a stroll to just enjoy the view. No matter how it may appear to you, I like having things to my rhythm - it feels like it would agree more to how nature and fate would eventually unfold themselves, to open up to my comprehension and wait for my appropriate (or inappropriate?) response.

But I dream a dream that will forever be unfulfilled. Because the Earth travels in her own speed, her own direction - and the pace in some places is established by superiors who probably are not worth the dime they're paid.

I do wish people would understand this entire "personalised rhythm". Of course, we can't forever demand things to be the way we want them to be. Perhaps adults work around this by either a) taking the initiative to make change or progress, or b) just keep their mouths shut and move on. It's the brats who complain, isn't it? Or so they say.

But I quote a line in a book by Will Thomas that I find suitable to retort to a certain opinion people have with this meagre bundle of pixels in the vast number of other webpages on this virtual landscape; "Complaining is the only civilised form of regress".

Naturally, there will only be chaos if everyone instills his or her own brand of direction and speed - because such an effect would only bring disorder.

Why is it that there's no proper traffic light to regulate the traffic in one's life?

How does one live when he is powerless amidst the Present, yet intimidated by the Past and fearful of the Future?


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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Anti-climax

1. I don't want to sound haughty if I were to quote a certain fictional character saying "My mind rebels at stagnation"...But it does. Put up an awful row in my head too.

Why so? Because the rebellion doesn't end with the cessation of idleness. It intrudes into work as well. It's a feeling like you fail to move into higher gear when you and your car both know it just had to be done. It's frustrating to you and the other drivers, and it's damaging to your car in the long run. Oh, to yourself too, because of the stress that you develop will manifest as hypertension some day (Heaven forbid!).

2. Just a little bit more till the finishing line. It's already the last lap, and it doesn't really seem like I'm giving it my all...

3. I don't want to say "Things could have been better" in fear of sounding ungrateful, but after all this...the tiny voice in my head refuses to concur to just shake that darn feeling off.


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Now playing: ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D - Complication
via FoxyTunes

P/s: I was just thinking the other day that one of the very few things that made me value Wordpress above Blogger is the former's allowing one to hide the rest of his/her blog entry behind a link, so that a post doesn't appear too lengthy. As it turns out, Blogger now supports this feature as well. So I went ahead and studied this page to see how it's done, and modified some of my old entries with it.
Of course, some entries are nicer to be spared from this treatment - it's easier to read everything in one page without having to open up another tab or leave the current page.

Compilations #10

1. It's a general truth that not everyone will get a piece of the pie.

In this dog eat dog world, it's every man for himself, and every woman for herself.

Simply knowing this doesn't mean that the battle is half won. If anything, it's the ticket to anxiety, injustice and ruthlessness.

Welcome to the world of capitalism.

2. I'd like, even for one day, to read a newspaper that has none of the following:

i. Road traffic accidents
ii. People getting murdered, accidentally or no
iii. Political ruckus and/or fracas
iv. pr0n, Objectification of sex
v. People getting kidnapped/putting on strike/getting robbed
vi. What the Prime Minister's wife is up to

...Yeah. I suspect it'll be a mighty fine edition, although probably it'll be awfully thin...

3. "It is a bad plan that admits of no modification" ~ Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

Never say never - be it in medicine or one's every day life. For example, never say "I must not buy more fiction books because they will not be asked in the exams" because...well, I found myself doing just that.


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Now playing: Chris Daughtry - Life After You
via FoxyTunes