Intermission #50

And so I am down to - hopefully - my last week of working as a lowly labourer HO in this forsaken hospital.

Excited? Oh yes, so much. Anxious? Definitely.

And as for my transfer - it is still hanging in the air, uncertain. But I have hopes.

As for my current status, while it may be considered as uncertain, the best we could do is to put effort into it. It won't be easy, as many around me has cautioned me against it...but deep down, I know that it's best for me to leave before I turn...malignant.

And so...I resume my wait. Hopeful, but ever so caution, with prayers to The Almighty.

Current Music: Set Fire to the Rain - Adele

Intermission #45

Have you ever feel so small, so insignificant?

Have you ever felt so hurt that it feels like someone just tore your chest wide open and ripped your heart out of the praecordium, and then shred it to pieces?

Have you ever felt so betrayed by the ones you love and even by yourself?

Have you ever had so many back-to-back episodes of self-reprisals, like a barrage of machine guns taking shots at you?

And all these pain can't be drowned, can't be deleted, can't be ignored or denied.

Why do I do this to myself?

And so it goes on - this fear of attachment. Of getting hurt.

Calm Before the Storm

Time-out.

A short break.

Pulling the brakes before heading - headfirst - into a new posting. Fifth posting. Obs & Gynae. This Sunday.

I am overwhelmed, though not in a positive sense of the word.

God, how I wish I have long finished this phase of working. I'm sick of working in an ancient hellhole with idiots running, administrating the place.

Too bloody long.

Would I say I am a more knowledgeable person now than, say, the fresh medical graduate of yore?

Hardly.

And here I am, wondering how on earth is it possible that I can think of everything and nothing, all at the same darn time.

Current Music: I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift

Desiderata

Desiderata (L.) - desired things

With what little time I do have to spare after a hard day's work, is it any wonder that my brain refuses to embark in any further ruminating? And naturally my words will not write themselves, as all I yearn to do these days is to succumb to my lethargy and let my dreams take over.

But I must refrain from talking about work. Because my life is more than that, yes. And because I shouldn't be thinking about work on an off-day.

...My attention capacity is at a worrying level. I can't even finish a chapter properly, what more a book. And yet I still find myself handing over the cash to purchase another book. As I clutch the item close to my person, my mind wonders if this time will be any different from the last time I lost myself in a bookstore.

Whatever the response to that question may be, it ends with my forsaking that thought - because honestly, habits die hard - and praying to God that my self-control will eventually triumph over this materialistic want.

And so I peek into my purse, sigh into it, and chucked it into my bag and walk away, pushing whatever regret I may have into the back of my mind, until it reappears like a sceptre the next time I repeat this folly.

Shopaholic in the making? Goodness, I hope not.

Also, the number of pants that I have now is dangerously close to the number of skirts I already have. Which is worrying, considering that - if you knew me at all - I have never been a pants kind of a person.

Until recently, I suppose. Because there is no way on God's Earth can you wear a skirt or baju kurung and perform CPR without appearing...undignified.

Current Music: Call It What You Want - Foster the People

Intermission #41

I shouldn't let my work define my entire life. There's more to life than just work, after all.

I shouldn't let people get to me. People will be people anyway.

I shouldn't let my emotions get the best out of me, even when I probably have too much of them to begin with. Too much for this frail frame to handle.

I shouldn't get too involved in uncertain issues.

I should adhere to all the above mantra, because life is tough and what other option do we have other than to be tougher?

I still haven't grown up after all these years, have I?

Current Music: Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars

Halfway There, Halfway Gone

"We often like to believe what we want to believe, often because the real facts challenge us too much. It is far easier to wallow in our prejudices than to seek out the truth in anything" ~ Marina Mahathir, The Star 30/08/2012.

1. Dear God, I can't believe that I'm already in Year Two of working.

I think of it as a mid-working life crisis. You know that you're long enough into the job that certain things are already second nature to you. You know enough people and are familiar with the procedures to get things done. You've worked long enough that you're already a familiar face to certain staffs.

And yet there are still things that still get to me.

How my stamina doesn't seem to have improved over the past year. How less tolerant I am to people - patients and relatives alike - who are bloody irritating. How pissed off I could get when my work is delayed no thanks to bureaucracy and the higher ups' ego and mood swings.

I like Medical because of the approach. But what I dislike about it is that it strikes me as a behavioural thing and thus, because of human fallacy and habits are just so hard to break, the process is endless.

Admissions are aplenty. Patients smell of cigarette smoke. Patients with psychiatric problems contributing to the chaos in the ward. And damn stupid elastoplasts that don't secure branulas properly should just rot in hell along with all the stupid, temperamental ECG machines.

This hospital is getting more and more idiotic.

2. The human factor in medicine is, as always, a great contributor to this love-hate (mostly hate, to be honest) I share with Medicine as a whole.

That is one reason why I shouldn't be allowed to practise clinical work.

But doing Pathology would mean abandoning the ward procedures, which previously actually took me some time to acquire.

Other specialties that I have considered include Anaesthesiology, Orthopaedics, Surgical and even ENT (I quote an MO of mine: "Easy no tension!").

Some people say I should worry about these options later. I say that I need something to look forward to, to work hard for.

All I know is, I need to get out of this damned hospital.

3. I feel old these few days. Maybe because a great number of fellow HOs in my current department are first posters, therefore are substantially younger (~2 years) than I am. Sometimes people mistook me for an MO - compounded by the fact that I prefer to roam around the ward without my white coat (I blame the global warming!).

A few people I already know are already MOs. I'm feeling some sort of delayed development here on my part.

4. Dang, esok keje lagi...

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Intermission #39

"O you who are patient! Bear a little more, just a little more remains" ~ Ibn Qayyim

Dear God, it feels like there's still some way to go for me to finish this journey - my current posting for one thing, my entire role as a lowly house officer is another.

Especially when people I know are already a step above me.

I won't lie - there's slight awkwardness involved.

Dear God, I feel too much it'll probably be the downfall of me.

Buck up, self! Jangan nak emo sangat, boleh tak? Pfft~!

Current Music: Science & Faith - The Script

Intermission #38

1. Ramadhan is here again, Alhamdulillah.

Though there is some sadness in me knowing that my late grandfather is no longer around, both for the fasting and the incoming Syawal.

I try not to make a big deal out of sahur and breaking fast solo, but there is no helping it when I falter once in awhile.

Here's to praying that all will be well - my making good use of this Ramadhan, finishing my Surgical posting with a bang, among them.

Happy Ramadhan, people.

2. They say some things are better left unsaid.

But what if one never says something that another expects from him or her?

They say actions speak louder than words.

And that a smile is a universal language in its own right.

Am I being selfish if I were to ask for more?

Or maybe the signs were all there, but I'm just too careful, too negative to acknowledge them.

...because I'm just one dense ignoramus.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Clash of Postulations

The world today is not the same as before. Different generations act and respond differently.

I don't know if my realistic (read: pessimistic) standpoint is to blame, but I seem to think that things are more complicated than they appear to be. As in, there are aspects that are just beyond our control, that the outcome is not as simple as either A or B. My parents, on the other hand, equipped with their own life experiences, tend to think that their views are right - or, more right than mine, whatever that is supposed to mean.

Yes, occasionally there will be debates in the house. In a way I do appreciate the fact that they let me voice out what I think (despite my feeble hopes of emerging as the champion, pfft!), rather than telling me to just shut my mouth and nod reluctantly to whatever they were saying.

They make the wrong comparisons.

I tend to get emotional because they don't seem to see the reason behind my arguments.

They say that all that I have come to know - and adore - will bring me nowhere but towards a disastrous end.

I say that time is not my side - yet. Is it not the Holy Quran that said that man is ever hasty? ["Dan memang manusia bersifat tergesa-gesa" (17:11)]

At the end of the day their skepticism placed me in doubt...and I get bitter all over again.

Bitter and grieved.


Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Compilations #17

1. Spare me the drama at work, please.

It's amazingly scary what stress can do to you, and what you in turn do unto others. Even I find myself sniping at those I find deserving - especially after I made the initial effort of being extra-civilised and yet received a disappointing response.

Sometimes it's just not worth the extra effort.

I can't afford to play nice all the way - not when people don't seem to appreciate it. Yes, I know it's supposed to be for God and all...but I am just human, liable to emotional breakdowns.

I try not to impart judgment on people...because deep down I realise that I might(?) be doing the same mistake if I were in their shoes.

2. There is a change in how I spend my money these days...and I'm kind of worried.

3. How do you define me? How do you see me in your eyes?

Maybe you don't know me that well. Or maybe I'm just too multi-faceted that you don't get to see a certain side of me that prefers to hide in the darkness, behind a pleasant face.

Or maybe I'm the one that's in error, blind to my own shortcomings.

4. I'm starting to understand - and emulate - my mother's occasional indifference(?) to patients' complaints.

...Good God, I really need to be done with housemanship and just get out of clinical work for good.

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Compilations #16

1. I have just lost whatever ounce of respect I once had, however negligible it was to begin with.

This may prove to be problematic in the long run.

Is this just my larger-than-life ego speaking? Or does it stem from my disappointment in those I call my superiors?

2. How is it possible to maintain one's niyyah and selflessness - keikhlasan - at work, when it feels like everything is working against you?

Dear God, let not every effort of mine be in vain in Thy Eyes.

3. Which is worse - no system or bad system? I honestly can't tell anymore.

I can't take all the stupidity around me.

4. Dunia dah terbalik...

5. Sometimes I think we don't match. We, who come from two different worlds, with different temperaments and whims.

But every time I hear your voice, my heart makes a little leap like a young puppy, and against my will a smile breaks through the iron facade that I put up.

When our eyes meet, a small part of me can't help feeling that I may not be good enough for you, and wonder what is it that you see in me, a simple girl with a disjointed view of the world. And so I tear my eyes away - reluctantly! - because I don't wish for you to see the sadness that threaten to show itself with each passing time.

Somehow I have a feeling that you know what you've done to me.

...Stop making me fall harder, darn you!

Also...I kinda hate that I'm missing you more than I should.

...I'm so bad at this sort of things, am I not?

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Anomaly

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been" ~ Albert Einstein

It's difficult being the odd one out.

Positive people would label this as 'being unique', but how does that stand in a world where one might be punished for being different?

There is a Japanese proverb that describes exactly this: The nail that sticks out gets hammered...Or something that sounds like that.

Is there something that I missed? Am I so terribly uninformed that I have this naivety, this tendency to float about in a world of my own creation, made up of enchanting lies and blissful ignorance? Was my childhood so utterly traumatising(?) that it managed to put my entire perspective on life in jeopardy?

Perhaps I am guilty of assuming, of passing judgments too easily after all. Of being unable to appreciate those that may be obscure at first glance, or being blind to what are glaringly obvious to the rest of the world.

Funny how personal opinions and beliefs can taint our outlooks with prejudice - and vice versa.

But when I observe the world around me, with the myriad of people and all sorts of drama that they embroiled themselves in unwittingly, my mind automatically wonders - Is it just me, or has the world gone cuckoo?

Maybe, with regards to Mr. Einstein's quote above...this is one of the many ways that the term "Forever Alone" can be applied to yours truly.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Intermission #37

1. In a way, despite the prospect of greater trials and trouble ahead, I can't wait to get out of Paeds.

Allah Willing, I just have to go through two more working shifts - both are resus, but screw it, it's not like I have much control over the matter. Things could be worse so...here's to praying that I shall survive those two days!

I hate dealing with parents, full stop. Maybe not all - I'm not that heartless that I can afford to leave them with their anxieties - but for God's sake could they at least take a damn hint and see that we are busy with rounds and stop nagging us with questions such as but not limited to, "Bila anak saya boleh keluar?" or "Macam mana baby saya?" or "Kenapa kena amik darah lagi?".

Today at one point I wondered if the hospital's policy of nursery admission is too bloody all-encompassing that maybe we are having unnecessary admissions, all in the name of observation.

...And whose fault is it when the hospital resorts to drastic and effing ridiculous measures just to cut costs? One of which is by delaying our allowance, which is a tyrannical move, I tell you!

2. A precarious state.

In which uncertainty is certain. Dubious, and up to anyone's interpretation.

It could go either way...and I fear I may not be prepared for a bad end.

Yet, it had not blinded me entirely. Far from perfect, but at the same time, sounds rather too good to be true that I need to double check myself to make sure that I was not dreaming.

But am I compromising too much here?

Would testing the waters sink the boat to the bottom? Or will it bring us to greater heights?

Or am I singing a solo melody here?

Fear precludes me from finding out for real.

Current Music: Number One for Me - Maher Zain

Fill in the Blanks

1. There is a popular saying on Tumblr: "Follow your heart, but take your brain with you".
So what do you do when reason says no, but both your heart and your instincts (at least, the less rational part of it) say go?
No matter what people may say, at the end of the day, it's only going to be me going down when everything falls apart.
Uncertain where else to look for the answer, I look heavenward and whisper a prayer.
Deep down - despite all my vehement denials - I know what I want. I wonder if it was ever in His Plans.

2. The other day I was accused of putting too much inhibition on myself.
My argument? Because I know it would not be me if it were otherwise.
Maybe it's because of this thing people call 'ego'. Or maybe because I just prefer to maintain my insouciant air, despite the contrary.
Or maybe I've just been hurt too often, too badly in the past, that I'd rather keep to myself than leave myself vulnerable.

3. I swear, some people have this inherent ability to just piss me off without even trying.
Even so I try hard to be calm and not judge too harshly, because we are but humans. Because I know that I'm far from perfect...
...but at least I'm trying, am I not?

4. Yes, I realise that my timing is, more often than not, off. Which is why I rarely initiate things, and just let things come as they may.
But please, trust me a little bit more when I say it's still too early to say anything for sure.

5. Dang, tomorrow I'm in charge of resus again. Shoot la weyy...

Current Music: Breathing - Jason Derulo

Kotoba

Words are powerful.

Could this little fact, perhaps, be the reason why I immerse myself in linguistics and writing?

They say rumour spreads faster than a bushfire (...or something to that effect?). But what, pray tell, are words when they may not even represent the situation?

Maybe people see what I fail - or deny myself - to see.

Maybe people just jump too easily to conclusions.

Or maybe the simple fact remains: people just love to talk about people, whatever the topic may be.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

In Which There are Too Many Maybe's

1. I haven't been well lately.

It has been one week of strenuous coughing & feverish episodes, I'm suspecting that I might be having pertussis. Last night I probably spent close to three hours coughing - dry, irritating cough - that I lost sleep. Today I was more on autopilot mode, and yet still managed to do my morning rounds. Luckily my MO was nice that she said she'd just read my notes rather than let me do the talking…

Still unwilling to take any cough syrup. Never been a fan of them since the start, to be honest. Already on the antibiotic azithromycin, only because the pharmacy is out of Augmentin and one MO said the bugs in my current paeds ward can only be killed by either Augmentin or azithromycin…

Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's all the germs that the patients brought with them to the ward. Or maybe it's something more…

2. I'm probably destined to be an outsider.

Maybe I'm not a good friend after all. I can't seem to make the sacrifices to actually hang out with them, mainly because of my busy schedule and hectic life and, most of all, the distance.

Maybe my introspectiveness and weak stamina should be blamed as well. Or maybe I'm just not caring or selfless enough…

3. It's tiring for me to follow others' paces all the time. But it's even more hurtful when my timing is off and I get a forced response.

Sometimes I think it's just not fair.

4. I miss having people to chat with.

So yeah, I am missing my university days. At least we were there, in one place, free to hang out and laugh together and share ice creams and watch movies and stuff. Sometimes we would celebrate birthdays and, just for the heck of it, drive around town even though there was nothing worth seeing.

I miss the philosophical talks. Despite my preference for writing, I find it easier and more fulfilling to converse face to face with people. I get to analyse the tone of the voice, the body language, the speed of response...the kind of things that you don't get just from texting or phone calls or even online chats.

Maybe I'm just not good with people. My colleagues at the ward are just that - colleagues. Our shift ends, we go off in our separate ways, and we won't talk or text much unless it's directly work-related.

So maybe I do enjoy going to work - to some extent.

…So what is it that is holding me back, keeping me away?

5. Am I the only one suffering here?

Would the knowledge change anything between us? What would it take for you to summon the courage and take the plunge?

Am I forever destined to be chasing that which is not meant for me? As well as running away from those that I deem as hazards?

Intoxicated

Could this be a bipolar disorder in the making?

How does one maintain one's faith, one's optimism in something that is so incredible, so incomprehensible, so subjective to human knowledge? Is it enough to have intuition alone in the mere act of realizing it as what it is? In the face of adversity, how does one remain steadfast in one's aim?

All this is so new to me, and yet the pain - the pain is something that I'm familiar to, no thanks to my past 'experiences'. Take note, in this context familiar does not mean 'being accustomed to'...

It's difficult to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, lest I lose touch with reality, when I get swept off my feet with every little thing.

I hate this feeling. But if I were to be honest to myself, it's a thrill that I find myself craving for more. Is this why drug addicts find it difficult to give up their source of pleasure?

Dear God, I sound like a raging lunatic on a high, I'm starting to scare myself.

They say that one will fall as one learns to walk. But here I am, taken high up in the sky (not entirely without my consent, I must confess), but I'm too scared that I will fall, if it comes to that.

It might break me in more ways than one.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

Compilations #13

1. After a certain point, even the most patient of person might fall prey to the his or her own anger.
After a certain point, anything can turn 180 degrees.

2. What do you do when you want something so badly, but you're unsure if you're actually worthy of it? Or, heck, if it's supposed to be yours after all?

3. It's okay, isn't it, to not go for a dinner which I paid RM30 for? Let the money burn just like that...because I just don't feel like meeting people. Just because.
It's just money, after all.

4. I'm always going to be stuck in a roller coaster of emotions, aren't I? It's always one brief moment of happiness, followed by despair...
Is that how life is, generally speaking? Or am I thinking too much into it, allowing my emotions get the best out of me?

Current Music: Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner

Intermission #34

What do you do when you see a glimmer of hope? Do you reach out to grab it in your hands, to proudly call it your own...or do you wait, with your hands tied behind your back, for the glimmer to brighten, embracing your entire self?

I don't know if this is what people may call as desperate, but I do know - that I want it, bad.

What have I learnt from the past? My pessimistic self would rebuke me for assuming, while my optimistic self would reprimand me for being too pessimistic in the first place.

In conclusion? Perhaps it's time to try and change the course of things actively...without pushing it too far, with my prayers to Him, and...pray for the very best.

Still, forgive me for this expression but...damnit, self.

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Intermission #28

There are things that can easily mute my tongue and yet trigger an endless chain of thoughts in my head. They don't go away easily either, and have this tendency to pop out at the most inopportune moment.
Perhaps one reason why I somewhat (kind of) enjoy working is that it helps to take my mind off such distractions. Whatever spare time I have is enough just to dwell on them without going overboard.
Lately the threshold's getting lower...and I'm scared to know what will happen when I give in to them.
I'm not acting my age, am I? Why do I allow people to fluster me only too easily? Is my self-control really this unreliable?
...I guess this is why I always have a certain dread towards Raya.
I'm sorry, God, for feeling sorry for myself despite having no solid reason to.