Fogged

"Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life" ~ Dr. David M. Burns

Many a time have I been shrouded in questions and doubts - Do I really belong where I am right now? Will I be able to survive what awaits me in the future?
Allow me to say this freely - Never expect to receive compassion in this profession. Heck, in this world.
It's a cruel world, people.

Pardon my state of negativism. It ain't easy to obliterate, especially after my eyes are opened to how the real world is.

...Because that's the only way for me to maintain my sanity for the time being. I've tried to adopt optimism, but it just falls flat.

Current Music: Your Beauty - Hamza Robertson

A Point of No Return?

Yes, I've attempted to extricate myself from this intricate web of anime addiction many a time, and yet it has always managed to pull me back, little by little...
...Anyhow. In view of my current lack of free time, here are the reminders about what I have to watch later.
Here we go:

1. Kuroshitsuji
2. Vampire Knight (...yes, despite the irritating female lead...)
3. Vampire Knight Guilty (ditto)
4. Hakushaku to Yousei (Let's try to ignore the female lead and focus, instead, on Edgar and Raven...)
5. Ga Rei: Zero
6. Yozakura Quartet
7. To Aru Majutsu no Index (???)
8. Chaos;Head

Current Music: Signal - Kelun

Intermission #1

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Just a short time-out while I'm dealing with my case write up. Makes me wonder if getting stressed out over it is wise, since we all know it won't be assessed properly anyway...
...I'm probably misplacing my tendency to develop stress. Yeah, that must be it.

Current Music: What You Got - Colby O'Donis feat. Akon

Of Hate and People...and Hating People

Despite the negative ambiance the title is supposed to carry, it's better to view this entry as a sarcastic view of life's many colours.

(i) People
You know the inherent tendency to develop change. Simple examples like how one's worldview changes with each passing episode of one's life.
I just realised that it's not necessarily change per se...
...it's the discovery.
Initially you know the person's one aspect of personality, and then the other...The latter of which may seem to be in direct contradiction with the first.
It's only when you contemplate more on the complexity of human behaviours that everything - if not most things - start to click into place.
So maybe it's more complicated than just blaming everything on people changing. It's when the situation changes, and the person just reacts to it...just not the way you had expected or wanted him/her to.
...It's hard to accept, but hey, that's just the way it is.
Like I like to say : Life's a discovery.

(ii) Hate
Generally speaking, people hate someone either because they are bugged by it, or because they think they're superior to it. Overlap between the two may occur.
But seeing how they respond, it's pretty easy to guess.
When they don't actually try to help you to alleviate a certain situation, it's kinda obvious that it's the superiority complex, if there exists such a thing.

(iii) Hating People
Although this is related to (ii), it's more personal.
I remember saying that I'd rather avoid conflicts...but when conflicts come to me, the debater in me is unleashed and all hell breaks loose.
So far I haven't reacted too badly, I think.
When I hate or dislike people, I try to find the reason. In most cases, I end up hating myself for hating the person, especially when I realise that I may not be a good enough person to start judging people and labelling them either 'likeable', 'tolerable to a certain extent' or 'despicable'.
Last night I could find no answer to this hate. Which led me to this certain feeling of relief.
I haven't had the enjoyment of hating someone for a long time. Especially when it's hate at first sight.
I'll remember the name, the face, and the words. Seriously though, I'd rather forget the words.
Still, the person is too grating to even deserve a space in my memory.

Yes, I know that this entry exposes the bitter side of me - A side that is writhing to get out and wreck turmoil to seek revenge.
So what am I to do now? Especially when I'm confronted with this abominable, haughty excuse of a *****?
Just give the thing a smile that wishes it an unbearably painful misery; A sadistic smile that is oblivious to whatever the thing has to say or do.
This will be one smile that is the most effortless of all.

Another Personality Thing

Your answers suggest you are a Counsellor

The four aspects that make up this personality type are:

Summary of Counsellors

• Search for meaning in their life and develop powerful insights
• Are dedicated to helping others reach their potential
• Think of themselves as gentle, peaceable and cautious
• Others may find it difficult to get to know them

More about Counsellors

Counsellors have a natural understanding of human relationships and the complexities of life, which they use to help others. They search for meaning in everything and develop complex insights.

Counsellors are least likely to describe themselves as atheists, according to a UK survey.

Counsellors feel most relaxed and creative when their surroundings are organised. They are deeply private people who only share their insights with trusted friends; however, they will defend their values if challenged.

In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Counsellors may withdraw from the people around them or become resentful. Under extreme stress, Counsellors may feel overwhelmed and be driven to organise small parts of their lives such as their kitchen cabinets or their record collection.

Counsellors typically prefer a few close relationships to a wide circle of friends.

Counsellor Careers

Counsellors are often drawn to jobs where they can help people develop emotionally, intellectually or spiritually and where they can use their imagination.

It's important to remember that no survey can predict personality type with 100 percent accuracy. Experts say that we should use personality type to better understand ourselves and others, but shouldn't feel restricted by our results.

- - -

Funny. I could have sworn that I got "Idealist" some time in the distant past...


Current Music: Death Wish - Gackt Camui

P/s: It saddens me to find out that Maryam won't be updating her Cappuccino blog anymore...tsk tsk. It's a great loss. Alas.

P/P/s: ...I'll probably talk about how I'm faring in O&G later. Like, some time later. Don't know when, but later...

Stitches

Had an episiotomy workshop today. Suffice to say, I developed a newfound respect for tailors worldwide...
...and I doubt I can ever make it as a surgeon. Still, who knows what the future holds?
A friend - classmate, in fact - asked me why didn't I take up office work instead. To which I responded with, "Because I don't like paperwork, and I'd rather work on people."
Notice the words "work on people" instead of a more amiable "work with people".
...I'll touch on this later. Don't know when, but definitely not now.

I seriously need time for myself. All the sugar I've been taking in does not seem to work in mending my mood, and my headache's pretty unbearable.
I just don't want to see some people for awhile.
Of course I realise that I'm asking for something that's impossible.
I need more strength this time around. Previously, while I was still in IM, most of my energy went to my task of adapting to the new environment and accepting that I have, to some extent, changed...in aspects that I myself found it hard to tolerate. Currently, the energy should be mobilised to enduring the stressful environment (created by some people who are notoriously hard to work with!) and struggling with all the hassles and competitions and tiring tasks.
...I found myself questioning whether I was really tailored for this profession more than ever. It's obviously not in my genes, so what is pushing me forward?
The cognisance that it's too late - and too rueful - for me to turn back alone is not enough.

Current Music: Saving Me - Nickelback

A Passing Moment

So Boss-dude said that my blog is apparently full of complaints. But hey, it ain't false, so I'm not complaining.
Insert smiley face here.
Am currently thanking God for my pass in the previous clinical exam, despite it all. It's pretty sad, that I could only see the beauty of Internal Medicine when I'm now in Obstetrics & Gynaecology.
Of course, an even greater challenge awaits me in this world. Where the gift of life seems so beautiful, so is the reality that surrounds this joy.
But it's still to early for me to say more.
Still, allow me to say this, for my future reminder at least - We should always be prepared for disappointment, and from there, be patient.
I'll continue this later, if it's God's Will. Right now I've to read up on the anatomy of female perineum.
God help me.

Current Music: XTC - Psychic Lover

More Freewriting

1. The irony of it all.

I remember the irrepressible longing to do other things when I was supposed to be studying during the study week (or, more accurately, any free time I had during which I was supposed to allocate to studying...). I remember the boredom that came from reading those academic texts, and the frustration at the fact that I never managed to make them stick in my head despite my countless efforts and encounters with those same lines.

So now, when I'm actually on break and have the option to actually entertain the inner otaku and the inner child in me...why am I not making good use it

Aye, we only appreciate things when they're gone.

2. Despite what others may say, I don't think I'm capable, academic-wise or no. The ideal situation would be that I could be using my break to actually develop my other potentials - perhaps those that may be used to make me a better or a more able person - just so that I won't be accused of being too academic-oriented (not that it is actually anywhere close to the truth...oh, the harsh reality!).

The problem is, I lack the discipline.

Problem number two, I don't even have enough discipline to force any discipline on me.
Conclusion? I'm quite hopeless.

But we live and we learn. Perhaps as I journey on further in life, I'll pick up things that might be able to help me grow.

One things that would really help is for me to stop getting stressed out over trifles.
All the adrenaline gush ain't gonna do my poor heart any good anyway, and I think my blood vessels have enough fatty or atherosclerotic plaques lining them as it is (Heaven forbid!).

So let's try a calmer approach from now on. Breathing techniques, sound mind and body...and most importantly, trust in Him.

Of course, it would also help to be equipped with the realisation that change is always around the corner. Without change, humans will be static, with little or no desire to develop themselves. Without change too, comes boredom.

I suppose there's a good reason why America's politics - more specifically, Obama - keeps on yelling out "Change" like it's some sort of a mantra on a broken record.
So we should always update our map - a map that we use to define the world. A map that was shaped from our past experiences since we started to have (some) control over our memory banks, coloured by our own emotions, distorted when we erred, tainted by those episodes in which we were enshrouded in anger and blind reason, rebuilt when we rose from our fall, and refined once we gain that priceless revelation we call wisdom.
...Letting go of the old map is hard, but it's something that should be done, sooner or later. Hard because it may not be easy to accept that something that we have spent a lot of effort in has finally became outdated, hard because we stoop to the harsh realisation that we were wrong.

Letting it go and being back to the drawing board is just another step to acquiring a sense of maturity.

Why continue living in the past when Father Time is now speeding ahead in his F1 racing car?

Current Music: Kasanaru Kage (Instrumental)

Lost

End of the block exam for my first clinical posting. And suffice to say, it was screwed on an epic scale.
But we're not going to talk about that. No sirree.
Nor are we going to talk about how I drove back.

I was just checking out Tun Dr. M's blog. Not really out of curiosity - but rather, it was more of boredom.
To whomever who are following his blog, my advice is this: The comments section is hardly worth reading, period.
Simply because if you're planning to make your reading and your time worthwhile, the comments can hardly appease you. They're just a huge waste of time.
The fourth PM's writings are worth a lot when they're not too infused with emotions, I daresay. For instance, when he touched on the economics, history, and the games that politicians play and the words that they twist out of context.
The comments, most of the time, are only by those who only voice out their blind admiration for the PM, most of which sounds a lot like "sucking up".

Maybe now is not the best time to blog. I'm like the centre for all the negative energy in this part of the world...

Flipped

So I'm back in Kuantan, although not in campus. Yet.
What have I achieved from the oh-too-short Raya break? Other then my successful attempts at cutting watermelons open (would you believe it? I've never done anything like cutting watermelons before...) and the sudden peaked interest in the current American political arena (or rather, how the people are criticizing Republican Party's Sarah Palin) and the realisation that I have this "fear" of ketupat and my feeble attempts at studying...mmm, that doesn't leave anything much for me, does it?
But the break did give me time to refresh and to reconstruct my perspective. Perspective on many things, in fact.
Now the issue is whether I can actually carry out my plans of reformation, rather than just leaving them on an intangible blueprint.
Yosh.
Reality has a way of knocking back some sense into you, you know?

Then and Now

Ramadhan's over. Then the regret for not making good of use of it comes and haunt me like it's never going to leave me alone...
But that's not the main reason I'm here, again.

In all frankness, I am simply not in the mood to celebrate 'Eid tomorrow, nor am I looking forward to being dragged around...
It's just my mood, so if I know what's good for me, all the negative vibes should disappear by dawn.

At times, I just want to shrink myself in one corner and think about things - things that should not be giving me palpitations or guilt or headaches or chest pain.
But when those things do come and flood my thoughts, I'm forced to seek solitude.
God, this makes me sound like a dysfunctional loner...

I need some time to straighten out my train of thoughts. And 'Eid is not giving me that.

Then again, maybe all I need is some sleep...

Current Music: Itsuka no Merry Christmas (Remix) - B'z

P/s: How wrong is that? A Christmas song amidst 'Eid (again, since I did the same during the last 'Eid...)? Would you believe me if I say that I'm allergic to Raya songs?

Mind Games

Raya break is on, and I'm still me. Makes me wonder if I've actually improved with each passing year, each passing moment...
Maybe not. Am I actually trying? Saa...
As to what I have been up to these days...not much, definitely. Other than my constant wrestle with my inner conflict of interest, there's nothing much to say or relate to.

Truth be told, I don't really like to blog. Well, not blogging per se...but rather, it's the prospect of people reading this blog actually being granted access to my thoughts and feelings. It's like trumpeting my own displeasure out loud for the whole wide world, yes? I like talking, but at the same time, I hate subjecting people to be my listeners...
...Like I said earlier, it's an inner conflict of interest, because I might be exaggerating things on my own.
So I still suffer, either way. The solution is stop thinking too much because it's all in my head, and they're not necessarily true. Reining my hyperactive imagination would still require tremendous amount of energy.
It'd be great if my mind is more organised. Like a computer, maybe? With an icon that says "Recycle Bin" for me to dump useless thoughts and memories, and with another option to delete those that won't be missed or those just occupying precious space. That way I won't be too tied down by the past...so that I can work hard in the present and look forward to a better future.
If only I could let go of things that should be ignored and extinguished.
In a way I'm allowing myself to be pushed around by the darker side of me. Sure, I know my priorities and stuff, but at times it's only too easy to be pushed away from my goal, taken astray.

I had an interesting conversation with a patient once. She's younger than I am, but comparing her current age to how I was when I was 16, she might have been more mature than I was (am?).
She remarked that she had a feeling that while in terms of abilities I'm quite capable, but I still have yet to find something in my life - something that I find worth aiming and working hard for. Kinda like my own rambling on and on about "searching for the true meaning of life"...
She went on to say that probably I've been too focused with my studies...and advised that I go and meet up to get to know other people, and how it's a refreshing change to hang out with other kinds of people.
She also added that I need not to worry about finding 'the One' or not being adequately sufficient for that purpose, because he will come. This issue deserves no further elaboration, period.
Oh, and her advice to smile more. To which I argued saying that smiling is tiring...
...Which is true. It takes a great effort to smile to people when you don't feel like smiling to yourself, seeing how your current agenda is. Especially if it involves patients - who obviously would like to be greeted with a kind smile rather than a cold grunt - and your other friends.
Her solution: Don't think too much.
I'm trying to do the same. But sometimes it's nice to have people telling you straight on what you should be doing...
Whatever it is, I still have exams to sit for in three weeks' time. And tomorrow's 'Eid.
...I need to take it easy. I don't want to die of cardiac failure either.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay

Hitobito

What did I tell you about misusing this Wifi? But that's beside the point here...
Have been having headache, chest pain and abdominal discomfort for some time now. Of course, diagnosing all those condition as purely psychogenic in nature - plus my tendency to _not_ eat - the most logical way to go about it would be to just...ignore them.
Rather than fussing about how things ought to be, it's best if we try to seize control and try to shape it to our liking. In other words, if you don't like how things are going, it's best to attempt to change it the way it should be.
...So?
I don't know.
Maybe I should try not to think too much of and for other people. It has something to do one's intention, definitely. People move on, and you do too...if God Wills it, soon there will be parting of ways. What is the use of investing too much in one who's most likely to leave your side?
That's why we shouldn't fret too much about the present. For all you know, it won't affect your future much.
Too much pessimism, but hey, I'm being realistic. My reality has always been like this.
...Maybe my mind is the one that hasn't grown up, despite my age.

Another Step Forward

I don't have much to say...except that the fasting month is nigh.
Why am I having frequent chest pain nowadays? Psychogenic, surely...but could there be an organic cause to it?
Will there be a day when I could really sort myself out and escape from this labyrinth of confusion and emotional masochism?
...Somebody, whack me and tell me to stop thinking of trifles, and be serious in my studies!
*cringes*

Current Music: It's Not My Time - Three Doors Down

Rekishi

It took me around two months to actually get my uni's Wifi for Avicenna. How pathetic is that? Not that I'm complaining or anything - it's just that my time has been too occupied (being at the hospital is one thing, in slumberland is another...) so I don't have much time to go to the IT Dept to get it to work. The least I was able to do was to submit the registration form after Dr. Jamal showed me Avicenna's MAC address.
Determination can really push one to the extremes. So today, at 4.40pm, 'Izzah and I left the hospital, I sped Miyavi on the road (Don't do it, folks, especially if you're in Kuantan...'coz the selected drivers here could cost you your life or at least your car), then I ran up to my room to grab Avicenna, then it was back speeding to ITD. By then it was past 5 (i.e. past office hours), but they attended to us. Bravo, bravo! So the first man - I know not the name, alas! - tried very hard to get the Wifi running, had some problems with the configuration and authentication, so after several valiant tries, he called his pal - superior? - to do it instead.
...To make a long story short, he succeeded. Kudos! And now Avicenna's ready to surf~!
As gratitude, here's a link to his blog. Very informative, amusing - from the sarcasm, or the play of words - especially to those newbies who want to know how he thinks of laptops and stuff.
...If I ever get around to, I'll put a blogroll or something. Later, like when I have time to re-arrange my hectic life.

But that's not the main reason for blogging. While waiting for them to work on Avicenna, I could not help but to think of how similar his line of duty is to a doctor's.

Basically they work on computers while doctors work on human beings. Of course, computers dying is nowhere near as traumatic or tragic as a human dying but still...

You go to a computer whiz with expectations that he'll get your computer to work. Your computer hasn't been doing what it's supposed to do, and you don't know why. You don't even know the technical terms and how things actually work. You don't even know if you should start blaming yourself if you've had a fair share in causing your computer's ailment.

Likewise, you go to a doctor when you don't feel well. At the end of the visit, you expect that the doctor will tell you what is actually wrong - accurately - and that the doctor will actually do something to solve your current problem. Perhaps, if you're the conscientious type, you'd start regretting for not taking up a healthier lifestyle, cursing all the fast food outlets, lamenting about the oh-so-hot weather which generally doesn't permit you the suitable milieu to exercise outdoors.

Then the experts start asking you for the relevant history. Like, what you were doing when the problem starts manifesting itself. So you talk, unaware if the answers that they are looking for is hidden somewhere in your answer. You assume that the more you talk, the more the doctor will be able to make a head or tail of your current problem. That's History of Present Illness.

Except in my experience with the ITD guys, they didn't ask any questions. They jumped right to Avicenna, asking for my username, password and what I actually did when I idiotically attempted to set the Wifi myself.
But it was only when I let it slip that I submitted two registration forms that they knew what was wrong, and why the authentication has been failing.
So he deleted one registration in the database and all was well.
Moral of the story: If you think a certain detail is too trifling that it could not possibly be the source of your problems, think again.
But based on my experience with the patients in the hospital, that is not necessarily true. If the patients start listing all their problems from A-Z, we students are going to have a merry ride in trying to reach the correct diagnosis.

...This thought came when I recalled that I did think of becoming an IT person once upon a time.

Let's hope that I won't be misusing this luxury any time soon...

Won't Be Long

Title is a reference to a song by Exile featuring Koda Kumi. Not that it actually matters. It's the title 'coz this entry will be pretty short - though not sweet.

Mood is volatile. Yesterday I was pretty much walking on air, today I felt heavy.

I'm getting motion sickness from life's ups and downs.

One thing that I can conclude from clinical years is that I've no choice but to do things last minute. I've no other choice - I'm stuck at the hospital and ward from morning, running around trying to clerk patients and hopefully being able to do P.E. as well as some procedures, and when I come back to my room fatigue kicks in, and then at night my brain is working against me in that it refuses to perform it's duties.

Tomorrow there'll be a workshop - in which my pride and good name might no longer be what they used to be - and then on Tuesday there'll be Short Case and Seminar.

God, I hate doing things without proper order, and that's coming from someone who claims that entropy and impulse are her way of life.

Geez.

I do wish for more time so that I'll be able to do do more research.

...Or maybe I should just stop doing things like blogging or facebooking in the time being to focus on what's really important.

Unless I get too stressed out and need a temporary escape. Yup.

...Right.

To be continued some time later. Most probably with a darker mood to it.

Current Music: Kimi Dake ga Kizuite Hoshii - doa
(which is actually playing on Avicenna - I'm typing this using Shahnaz's laptop since hers is the only one with proper Wifi connection set-up. Confound those IT people!)

A Hint of Guilt

I'm home when I'm not really supposed to be, considering the huge pile of work which I suppose I should be doing are still in the to-do list rather than in the completed list.
I should be doing something that should be pushing me nearer to my goals - like, y'know, studying or poking myself with a syringe (in a feeble attempt at venepuncture, nothing else) - but I'm still doing what I do best, i.e. procrastinating.
I shopped instead of saving money.
Pleading guilty, Your Honour.

Anyway. My imagination's running a bit rampant.
There's something so wicked in deriving pleasure by criticising the current shows we have on TV nowadays. Lacking in depth, the questionable existence of a plot, the superficial actors & actresses, the oh-so unnecessary lavish make-ups and the current vogue they call "fashion" and "the in thing"...
I insist that we have, as a majority, bad and hopeless actors and actresses. Every single actress I saw on TV lately, I automatically deemed as "cheap", "pretty face and nothing else", "an utter disgrace to the entire XX species" and "...Yuck."
And the guys...Well, the "pretty" ones get "pretty face and nothing else", others get a simple "...Ugh". And the rest? They all look like stalkers to me.

What's the purpose of this entry? None, I suppose.
...Maybe it's just my way of celebrating my short break before a long clinical posting ahead.

Kyo wa...

Happy Birthday Gackt Camui~! A bit late, but saa...
I really should write something. A so-called inspiration has been stuck in my brain but it doesn't seem to want to be transferred on to paper...
I think I might have otitis media, as an extension from my 'fever'. So that means I'm not in the mood to blog at the moment.
I realise that the font size and fonts in this page is too inconsistent. I might do something about it - in my future entries - by trying to stick to one. Perhaps it's training to instill some sort of self-discipline?
...Maybe I should do something about the layout too...

Current Music: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
This song is the opening of the anime of the same name, and it has a haunting feel to it. I actually tried watching a couple of episodes, but other than Hoshi Souichirou, nothing else managed to make me want to continue it. The mystery feel is not intriguing at all...I want back the 2++ hours that I spent watching it! I might as well stick to Gintama! Even if it does affect my IQ level in one way or another...

Freewriting

This entry will, as always, be random. The worse part is, things may appear to be disjointed.

Met up with Elaine after 2 years. She treated me to CinnaBon and we...talked.
Sorry I had not much of a story...Yeah, my life's pretty dull.

Facebook's giving me headaches.

Currently fighting off an incoming fever. Throat is irritable. I remember my mom suggested a tonsillectomy not too long ago - when it was suspected to be infectious mononucleosis, although thankfully, I recovered without much sequelae. Personally, I'd rather leave the world with all my organs in with me, in their respective anatomical positions...

Am sad that break is coming to an end. And anxious to be starting a new point in life.

Am nervous - kinda - at the notion of driving back to campus on Sunday.

Praying that my sarcasm won't be on a roll...

Am wondering why is it so difficult to download Gintama episode 64. I'm starting to miss my Toushi plushie too...

Yup, enough for today. Off to take another Panadol. Headache not alleviating...

Current Music: Sayaendou - NewS
Current Book: Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Murakami Haruki

Money and...Much More

Am astounded as to why my Internet connection seems to be lagging. *shoots death glares at ISP*

Anyway. Haven't been doing much worth bragging about. Haven't been practising my keyboard for over a week now, and my attempt at Japanese have been so-so. One good thing that I did achieve was the revival of my Xda II by purchasing a new battery for him, and that I've managed to download a programme plus plugins to enable it to play FLV. Score one for the home team! I'll probably try to sustain it for 2, 3 years until I get a new one...Though that doesn't say much, since a camera - which I've wanted for quite some time - is still under my lengthy Wish List.

On with the subject I've promised earlier: Money and Value.

I mentioned before how depressing news are lately. And people have been complaining how hard it is to make ends meet, how troublesome it will be if the government were to issue salary twice a month, how government was right is reducing the subsidy...and henceforth. Last night's news revealed that whole chickens are sold for RM8 each, houses are now 30% more expensive...
While I'm thankful that my middle-income family is not suffering too much, it never hurts to be a little more prudent. The government has been promoting lifestyle change but seriously, a mere 10% decrement in their own earnings is laughable at the very least when we compare that the fuel price hike reaches a whooping 40%. They've been driving luxurious car(s) around, so the reduction won't even give them a proper jolt to reality. A little pang to their pride and a little jab at their greed (if present), but nothing more.
...Maybe it's not too wise to talk about them too much. God Knows if the ISA would suddenly stumble across this little blog of mine...

At times, regret and guilt would come raining down on me. Regret for either having bought something which turned out to be unnecessary later on, or even for not buying something when the chance presented itself. Guilt naturally ensues after the phase of regret.
So when I was told that it's best to invest money rather than just saving up, I had to agree. Likewise, when smart spending is involved. Let's face it, although we might be able to accumulate tons of money in banks, with the high inflation rates and all, the value would go down, down, down. Even a lot of money won't be able to get you much in the end.

Oh, the sheer horror of it all.

I'm kind of surprised (and relieved?) that students under JPA scholarship haven't tried asking for a raise. It probably had something to do with a recent raise we got a couple of months back...
...Still, the fact that I can't afford to laze around remains. There's a serious need to buck up if I want to make it in this world.
So it's time to stop thinking about how am I going to get to own superfluous things - like an iPhone (...), or a PSP (...), or a PS3 (ha?), a bunch of CDs or DVDs, clothes and stuff...
Which gave me no real reason to go to the mall, unless for window shopping. But we all know it may lead to unnecessary spending, or in the case of non-spending, a severe case of depression when the realisation that I won't be able to own it hits me hard. Even so, driving to the mall would consume money too...

*groans*

Still, frankly speaking, I'm sick of staying at home. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to do much, be it the things that I usually enjoy doing or not.

It's a different case of homesickness.

Maybe I should go out tomorrow. So what if I'll be on my own? I'll just busy myself with reading at a bookstore. Besides, we live in a somewhat un-caring society anyway; one that doesn't bother with other people's business.

That's all.

Ah. In an out-of-character move, I've landed myself with a Facebook account. What has the world come to!?

What's Your Morning Personality?

My Result: Still Sleepy

Sleepyheads like you are the reason they invented the snooze button. "Another five minutes! Just another five minutes." Okay, maybe one more...But eventually you do get up to face the day and arrive wherever you need to be in somewhat decent shape.


That said, after your initial reluctance to get out from under the covers, we'd guess you're pretty eager to get your day going. And while you probably won't be up with the roosters (or at least volunteer to be), you're able to be surprisingly productive before noon. Sometimes you just may need a little nudge or strong cup of coffee to get going. Then you'll be off and running!

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=morningpersonalityogt&c=50652

The Influence of Birth Order

My Result: Eldest child because of your achievements

People who stand out as eldest children due to their achievements usually believe that educational and career advancement is very important. In fact, they likely enjoy higher salaries and more professional prestige than many of their peers. They tend to be highly efficient and appreciate the value of constructive feedback. They're probably competitive and like to compare themselves to others. Odds are they are more likely than most to enjoy competition and team sports. Additionally, it's probable that they are smart and able to perform at above average levels at most things.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=birthorderogt&c=50652

Current Music: You - Yuzuki
A song from Higurashi no Naku Koro ni. I even cropped it so that it'll become my ringtone. A surprising change of rhythm from Back-On or doa...Have I mellowed in the past few days?

untitled. for no good reason.

Countdown to end of break: Roughly around 3 weeks more. Which means that the end to this luxury of idleness is nigh.

I realise that I've been looking at the television set quite frequently. No, the word 'looking' previously was not mistaken to carry to same meaning as 'watching'; Simply, 'looking' denotes a lack of focus on the show, which happens when the television set is on - just for the sake of having a background sound around - while one busies oneself with other stuff like reading or munching on some grubs. A waste of electricity? Probably.

Sometimes watching shows that are centred on romance irks me. For instance, nowadays I made it a point - not too strong a point though - to follow a Korean drama (Sassy Girl Chun-hyang), the Japanese drama Proposal Daigakusen (Naohito Fujiki, anyone?), and the English new series Pushing Daisies. Too much of sap, while does lift up one's mood, only manages to leave a bad aftertaste in other instances.

Watching the main male character chase after the main female character with such determination and stubbornness makes me wonder if the drama production crew is pushing it a little too far. Or maybe I'm just too incredulous as to how emotional guys could be when football is not involved (not to offend any Euro fans or something, mind you). I mean, from my understanding, guys have a certain un-emotional trait that sets them apart from girls. Generally speaking, that is. In short, it felt too much unrealistic. Like how the events play out and all. But hey, that's the plotline and script for you.

Or, another plausible explanation to my uneasiness is simply this - that I know such fantasy-filled scenario would never happen in my life, so why bother?

Perhaps that's why I'm hesitating even in my choice of shows to watch. There's this new anime called Special A, which looks gorgeous and funny, but knowing that the plot might not be for me...I feel dubious as to whether I should start dabbling in it...

...Perhaps I worry too much. Rather than cracking my head trying to come out with a decision, it might be wise to just stay put and see how the future unfolds itself...

Your Mind is 88% Cluttered

Your mind is incredibly cluttered. You have so much going on in there, it's hard to think straight. Consider talking to a therapist. It's a good idea to sort through your thoughts, if only to see which ones are worth hanging on to.

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

What Drives You?

My Result: Stability

People driven by Stability are concerned about security in many different facets of their life. They take comfort in knowing they're prepared for their future and as such, take the necessary steps to make their life more predictable. Whether that means setting up a good savings account, educating themselves so they're prepared for their next job or child, or physically safeguarding their home with alarms or new storm windows, they do well when stability is in their sights.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=selfmotivationogt&c=50652

A testament to my Libra sign?

You Are A Chocolate Ice Cream Girl

Dramatic. Powerful. Flirty.

What Flavor Ice Cream Girl Are You?

Eh? I think not...Flirty? Seriously??

What's Your Secret to Success?

My Result: Balancing Skills

From your home or job to your family and social life, an active and busy person like you has a lot on your plate. But that doesn't mean that you let it get you down or get the better of you. Quite the opposite — having a packed calendar and too much to do is probably just the way you like it.


Whether you've got a million items on your to-do list or just a few big ones, you've got a knack for keeping track of things and staying on top of them. Where some might sink under an avalanche of duties, projects, and appointments, it's your time to rise to the top and show off your true talents. Way to shine!

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=secretsuccessogt&c=50652

Next entry (Probably. Unless other issue props up or my laziness gets the best of me) - Of money and value.

Current Music: New World - Back-On

Kako to Ima

I'm starting to miss my livejournal account. Not that it's obliterated or anything like that, it's just that...well, maybe I just have too much free time I'm dawdling about old times.

Not that I feel old, with my age and all...

It's a pity that I haven't been doing much during this break other than lazing around. Am too lazy even to watch anime...although I did finish Galileo, hurrah! Masha is too awesome for words.

Still wondering if I should start following Proposal Daigakusen. It's bad enough that my mother remarked that I "prefer fictions"...Sigh. Can't be helped. While fiction is full of far-fetched hope, incredible situation and mere conjunctures of the human mind, it's better than reality in that the latter seems to be only overladen with depression and evil.

Proof? Just watch the news. People getting killed, people waging wars, people in poverty...

It's too depressing. I think I'll go and enjoy my newly downloaded doa stuff for now...

You're Catch-22!

by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You
could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of
people.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Current Music: Eiyuu - doa

Looking Back

Considering the time span between the present and the last time I wrote an entry for this blog, a lot has happened.
Now, I am at home and despite the time (1.22 a.m.), I am still more than half-awake, no thanks to a glass of iced nescafe and another glass of mocha smoothie, and with ample time and idleness, it allows me the opportunity to just...think back.
Let's proceed systematically, for once.

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i. First Professional Exam
Date: May 12 - May 14
I figured that I'd be off the wall during the two weeks of revision period prior to this huge event. I mean, we are talking about covering two years' worth of lectures and stuff, compressed into an oh-too-short duration on a mere 14 days, and that's before we subtract all the little yet important activities that one does as a normal, sane human being - eating, sleeping and napping, procrastination, periods of emotional upheaval and negative vibes, and, as one with limited focusing ability, goofing around.
Yes, I remember going out at least three times, spending an average of three hours minimum at a shopping mall, shopping for things that are not exactly in my high priority nor urgent list. Though, buying food to nibble on and for dinner (ah, the memory of heating sausages and crab fillets come to mind effortlessly) does constitute as a normal activity...one imperative for survival and health.
So, as usual, there were hints dropped by the lecturers - one reminded us many a time NOT to ask her again pertaining this matter - as well as our usual practice; that is to say, targeting and...interpreting dreams.
This latter act is, I must confess, one that I engage in, although not without a pinch of salt. Given the fact that it did prove to be useful in the past, it's like a guide courtesy of my instincts, which most of the time is pretty helpful. One prime example is when I dreamt of Dr. Imad in Y1B3, and sure enough, an essay on Hepatitis viruses came out. Then in second year, a dream of Dr. Saxena dictated another essay on pharmacology; of Dr. Emad was on embryology (Development of the female genital tract)...Yep, I know they were long shots to begin with but hey, one's gotta start somewhere.
Just before my Y2B4 (Neuromuscular block) finals, I dreamt of Dr. San San telling me "Ascending tract" over and over again, but not narrowing it down when I specifically asked which one. Of course, Dr. Saxena also made his appearance (which is pretty logical, seeing how hardworking he is). So, when the questions did come by, I was kinda shocked - pharmacology because a tip I received from my classmates actually came out (drugs in epilepsy, hmmm...I seriously thought RA would be asked) and, instead of ascending tracts, Dr. Emad's corticospinal tract (i.e. descending tract) came out!
Being a little optimistic, I reasoned that my instincts were actually pointing towards Pro questions.
But no...Instead, we got repeated questions.

Essay - Cardiac Cycle (which was asked in Y2B1), Anti-diabetics & OHAs (Y2B3), and the one question that was a lil surprising: Streptococci & the medical conditions that they cause. Something like that. This paper also marked a change in my pattern of answering; instead of answering the essays according to their order i.e. their numbering, I skipped question two, going straight for question three once I was done with question one. So I broke one of my personal rules...Sigh.

Short Notes - Uhm. Killer. Getting shocked five times, one for each question, is never good. Inguinal canal (came out once in the past Pro question, but I didn't expect it would make a reappearance!), Biosynthesis of thyroid hormones (exact question in Y2B3...but my answer this time around was worse than back then, mainly because I only glanced at the topic at the last minute...), Congenital toxoplasmosis (not too surprising, but I had expected hookworms or ascariasis or hepatic amoebiasis...), Spinal shock & its recovery (Ha? It was asked as an essay in Y2B4, but now...I didn't remember as much...), and for our Islamic Input...Controlling anger as taught by the Prophet S.A.W. Yup yup. Killer questions.

OSPE - One thing I'm thankful for is that my group was the first to go, which means more time for any last minute preparation for the next paper (said last minute preparation contains, for the most part, an extended afternoon nap...). So...quite a few immunology questions (Ha? A sterilisation technique? Didn't remember much, and the word "autoclave" was completely MIA in my head...), histopathology slides, ovarian cyst (what, AGAIN!? Wasn't this, like, the third time already? ...Not that there was any improvement in my answer even after all that...Tsk tsk), one question about the leg muscle Flexor Digitorum Longus (instead of digitorum, I got confused between digitalis and digiti...Needless to say, since I spent significantly more time with my pharmacology notes, I went for digitalis. Unforgivable, since drugs are way off...I suppose answering 'digiti' - which refers to the fingers of the hand - would make more sense...), one question about anti-lipid agents (I read it already, but I couldn't remember! *tugs hair*), and...many more. Snakes didn't come out at all...Tch. Oh, and another blunder: I forgot how to spell Sarcoptes scabiei.

PBQ - I figured it would be Dr. Naznin's...Peptic ulcer, probably, since it is common and, despite it already being asked in Y2B2's PBQ and PBL, there was still a chance of a repeat question, given the nature of the questions in the essay and short notes papers. Or, Heaven forbid, cancer...Seriously, we had at least two cancer cases already for our PBQ (cervical cancer in Y1B2, lung cancer in Y2B1) and countless in our PBL sessions (oesophageal cancer...). What came out? Hypovolaemic shock due to spleen rupture (reminiscent of a PBL case in Y1B1 and PBQ in the same block, except that the spleen was uninvolved...). Yeah. Histo of the involved organ? Uhm, didn't remember much...Wound healing? Yeah, so Dr. Naznin did say that it was important during our revision class...

MCQ - Where to begin...If short notes was a killer, this was like some sort of divine punishment. For starters, the questions were new, 99.8%. The first question - what I like to call the mood setter - set the wheels in motion by asking, of all things, about the female pelvis (I forgot, despite reading it up a few times!), then another question had to ask about purine metabolism (Yup, read it too, despite half-heartedly...). Yeah, so it was like Y2B1 Minitest I all over again - it was the time when we had close to 100% new questions, and only 20 people passed the paper...
The problem with MCQs is that, being the final paper, means that we, the students, were already exhausted by then. The night before the paper was filled with light if not futile attempts at revising, because the attack of "I wanna go home already!" had started to amplify.

Outcome - Three candidates for Viva Voce for distinction, two of which got it. None for borderline Viva, and likewise, zero failure! Thank Heavens! Quoting Dr. Naznin, we're 40% doctors already! Third year, here we come!

ii. Preclinical Years Recapitulated
It was fun, in spite of the obstacles. The doctors, I hope I'll never forget how fun the lectures were...and the feasts that we had. Really, from the breaking of fast and Raya feasts and our appreciation lunch...It's a fresh sight, seeing how the lecturers reveal a little more human aspect, and not merely the lecturer with his/her powerpoint plus lectures mode.
Still, one conclusion would be that we humans are easily motivated by food...
Cough.
Then comes the issue of how our batch be labelled as the troublesome batch. Decidedly, in academics, we may not be too mad...But when it comes to discipline, let's just say that there's plenty of room for improvement. And, Minitest I in Y2B1...the lecturers had to have a meeting to discuss the unbelievable drop in our achievement. Also, after an essay in Y2B2 on Drugs in Inflammatory Bowel Disease, I expect they had another meeting for that (Dude, seriously? IBD isn't that common in this part of the world...).
So, yeah. We're something...let's just leave it at that. And we seem to force the doctors to hold meetings that discuss about us...Are we craving for attention or something?

iii. Miyavi Bu-Jae Chiaki
If it sounds like a mixed-up name conjured from a random machine, it's not. It's actually the name for our new car, which is under joined ownership of my sister and me. It's a black Myvi...and no, we didn't want black in the first place ('coz black is too ubiquitous, and silver rules), and I didn't want Myvi, although a small voice in me said that the probability of the new car being one is too high to be overlooked.
It turned out that practically everyone in the family loves him (yes, the two of us decided that the car's a 'he'...Don't ask) but I was less than enthusiastic...
Not too aesthetically pleasing, but hey, I rarely get to make the final call anyway...I'll work for my own car, then...

iv. Break
One and a half months before we officially enter third year as clinical students. Sure, it sounds long (it's the longest break we'll ever have as medical students...) but if I don't make proper use of my time, it'll seem as if it had gone by that it'd shove itself right into my face when it's finally over.
My plans are these, not in any particular order:

1. Cooking and baking - Does it seem that I've finally embraced the feminine passion within me? Will it actually become a reality?

2. Learning Adobe Photoshop - Well, I do get requests of drawing comic strips once in awhile, so why not make it really manga-like? One needs to develop the creative brain too...
Plus, I need to finish another comic strip for MSC's DVD, and I owe someone (who has been waiting patiently for it) a Natsumi of Taiho! Shichauzo drawing.

3. Galileo - A J-drama featuring Fukuyama Masaharu as the brilliant but eccentric Physics lecturer, and Shibasaki Kou as a determined detective, who solve cases. Add a bit of Numbers, a tinge of CSI, and a spoonful of mysteries...
So far I've downloaded four episodes. There're six more to go. Frankly I thought I'd give up on J-dramas for good, since Nodame Cantabile had practically raised my expectations and appreciation level sky-high...that I might never enjoy another J-drama (or any show for that matter) in this life as much as I enjoyed Nodame anymore.
So the drama has rekindled my adoration for Fukuyama Masaharu, whom I last saw in Beauty or the Beast.
Which reminds me...Why is it so hard to find (Not So) Perfect Love nowadays!?

4. Anime - I am guilty in that I tend to spend money to buy anime but only watching it halfway (perhaps less than that...), if at all. Example, Tactics , Peacemaker Kurogane, Honey & Clover II, Saiunkoku Monogatari Season I, to name a few, fall under the category of "To Complete" a.k.a "When are you gonna finish this one, you fickle minded woman?!" and Full Metal Alchemist, Saiyuki Reload, Nodame Cantabile (Anime), Code Geass: Lelouch no Rebellion, etc are unfortunately under "To Begin" a.k.a "Have you forgotten about us, scatterbrain of a woman?!". Bleach, Naruto Shippuuden , Tennis no Ouji-sama are just too long and draggy, they're considered "Dropped" for the time being (Actually, I'm thinking of categorising Code Geass: Lelouch no Rebellion under this category as well, since I feel nothing for the characters and am not so curious about its second season...).
What's the worst thing? Apparently I have this knack of expanding my anime collection rather than finishing them properly. I'm looking for One Piece, impatiently waiting for Gintama, containing my curiosity towards D.Gray-man, Shounen Onmyouji, Saiunkoku Monogatari Season II (despite suddenly developing a slight distaste towards the female lead, hence the laziness in actually continuing Season I)...
It's unfortunate that money is the limiting factor in this equation.

5. Manga Scanlations - Anxiously waiting for the next update of 07 Ghost and Volume 62. If finding the scans were easy, I'd like to find more Meitantei Conanof Samurai Deeper Kyo, Gintama (for the heck of it), Saiyuki, Kingdom Hearts, Spiral, etc...
Greedy, greedy. Guilty of greed, Your Honour.

6. Studies - It's a sad fact, isn't it, that this is numbered 6...which means that it struck me later than all the previous things enumerated. So, perhaps now it's time to concentrate on polishing what I've learnt plus reading up a bit on the clinical aspects and physical examinations...
On a side note, I should've bought Hutchinson's rather than Talley & O'Connor...

7. Keyboard - The musical instrument, not the one you type with. It's my dream to at least know how to play one musical instrument, although I know my parents would object to this...

8. Japanese language

9. English language - You wouldn't believe how my English has been impaired over the years I'm in Uni. Oh, the irony! Sad, isn't it? I used to write and read a lot, and now I'm reduced to just an average speaker. Not that I'm aiming to be the best debater or speaker but still...This is a life-long thing!

10. Polishing up my driving - 'Coz driving in Kuantan takes much more skill, gut and mental preparation than in PJ, enough said...

-+-+-+-

So that's it for now. Although all the caffeine still wrecks havoc in my brain, my prefrontal area emphasizes that it's time to actually get some sleep. Or at least, endeavour to. I wouldn't want to spend an entire Sunday afternoon sleeping. It'd be a great waste, worthy of a whole week of repentance.

Note to self: Nasi lemak as breakfast is a huge no-no, unless you plan to sleep for a huge chunk of the day. The same goes for roti canai...

Current Music: Kiss shite - KOH+ (Theme for Galileo. I adore the ending sequence!)
Current Book: Kafka on the Shore - Murakami Haruki