Mind Games

Raya break is on, and I'm still me. Makes me wonder if I've actually improved with each passing year, each passing moment...
Maybe not. Am I actually trying? Saa...
As to what I have been up to these days...not much, definitely. Other than my constant wrestle with my inner conflict of interest, there's nothing much to say or relate to.

Truth be told, I don't really like to blog. Well, not blogging per se...but rather, it's the prospect of people reading this blog actually being granted access to my thoughts and feelings. It's like trumpeting my own displeasure out loud for the whole wide world, yes? I like talking, but at the same time, I hate subjecting people to be my listeners...
...Like I said earlier, it's an inner conflict of interest, because I might be exaggerating things on my own.
So I still suffer, either way. The solution is stop thinking too much because it's all in my head, and they're not necessarily true. Reining my hyperactive imagination would still require tremendous amount of energy.
It'd be great if my mind is more organised. Like a computer, maybe? With an icon that says "Recycle Bin" for me to dump useless thoughts and memories, and with another option to delete those that won't be missed or those just occupying precious space. That way I won't be too tied down by the past...so that I can work hard in the present and look forward to a better future.
If only I could let go of things that should be ignored and extinguished.
In a way I'm allowing myself to be pushed around by the darker side of me. Sure, I know my priorities and stuff, but at times it's only too easy to be pushed away from my goal, taken astray.

I had an interesting conversation with a patient once. She's younger than I am, but comparing her current age to how I was when I was 16, she might have been more mature than I was (am?).
She remarked that she had a feeling that while in terms of abilities I'm quite capable, but I still have yet to find something in my life - something that I find worth aiming and working hard for. Kinda like my own rambling on and on about "searching for the true meaning of life"...
She went on to say that probably I've been too focused with my studies...and advised that I go and meet up to get to know other people, and how it's a refreshing change to hang out with other kinds of people.
She also added that I need not to worry about finding 'the One' or not being adequately sufficient for that purpose, because he will come. This issue deserves no further elaboration, period.
Oh, and her advice to smile more. To which I argued saying that smiling is tiring...
...Which is true. It takes a great effort to smile to people when you don't feel like smiling to yourself, seeing how your current agenda is. Especially if it involves patients - who obviously would like to be greeted with a kind smile rather than a cold grunt - and your other friends.
Her solution: Don't think too much.
I'm trying to do the same. But sometimes it's nice to have people telling you straight on what you should be doing...
Whatever it is, I still have exams to sit for in three weeks' time. And tomorrow's 'Eid.
...I need to take it easy. I don't want to die of cardiac failure either.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay