All in Due Time

And so I completed my last shift as a lowly HO last night. Wasn't exactly a shift to be proud of - my health has not been tip-top lately to be honest - but at least it's over.

So rightfully I'll be an MO in less than a week's time. Excited? Sort of. Anxious, jittery? Definitely.

Not to mention that the department where I'll be floating in has been showing its ugly side lately. Is it my fault that I'm somewhat eager to just leave and start afresh in new territories (wherever it may be, but hopefully closer to home?).

So now all I can do is wait. Wait and pray for the best.

There's a saying I found online: Waiting patiently is easier than regretting tremendously.

Applies to most of life's situations, don't you think? Because jumping headlong into ugly situations, no thanks to one's emotions, is likely to cause more damage...which may end up becoming irreversible.

So as the Quran reminds all of us - be patient, ask Allah for His Forgiveness, and pray hard.

Current Music: Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Intermission #50

And so I am down to - hopefully - my last week of working as a lowly labourer HO in this forsaken hospital.

Excited? Oh yes, so much. Anxious? Definitely.

And as for my transfer - it is still hanging in the air, uncertain. But I have hopes.

As for my current status, while it may be considered as uncertain, the best we could do is to put effort into it. It won't be easy, as many around me has cautioned me against it...but deep down, I know that it's best for me to leave before I turn...malignant.

And so...I resume my wait. Hopeful, but ever so caution, with prayers to The Almighty.

Current Music: Set Fire to the Rain - Adele

Peri-MO-ship

At least one thing is becoming clearer to me: which department am I entering as a fresh MO.

Anaesthesia.

I suppose the reaction most people would get after his/her first choice is granted would be one of elation. As for me?

It was more of a shock.

Perhaps I still am in that state.

Am I ecstatic? More like relieved, sort of.

Am I sad? Sort of, since it means one helluva tag for 1 month straight. Goodbye any plan for a much needed post-HO-ship vacation.

Not to say that I'm not thankful to God.

And yet...reactions from those closest to me have been lacklustre at best.

Also, I have another painful decisions to make.

Yes, it hurts so bad.

I have a knack to spin things out of proportion just to stress myself out, do I not?

Current Music: Not to Love You - Ryan Tedder

Intermission #49

How do you, pray enlighten me, make the most out of something when you don't have much to work with from the start?

I have been accused of being judgmental, but I know not its difference from drawing an inference as a guide to deal with people.

Environment shapes people, and there is no way am I staying put when all I have around me is un-professionalism.

Intermission #48

Maybe I should just leave.

Caught in an uncivilised working place that really should have been shut down or upgraded ages ago.

Caught in a bond that is just as uncertain as ever, despite how people may say otherwise.

But they say never make any decision when all you see is red.

So what do you when you're seeing darkness in your future?

Ideally speaking, we should turn to Him. But I seem to have lost my speech to pray.

But that's okay, right? He, the Omniscient, will still Understand these tears.

Intermission #47

1. It's like everything is telling me to leave this damned hospital.

Never mind that I might not be adequately equipped in terms of knowledge, skills or clinical judgment. Never mind that I'm leaving friends behind. Never mind that I'm stepping into unfamiliar grounds.

I just feel in my heart - with great conviction! - that this is not a place for me. I can't, for the life of me, see myself developing properly if I remain in this backwater place.

It's like all departments are hostile towards each other. There is no respect, no trust.

Let's not even get me started on how ancient the infrastructure, the facilities are.

And the mindset. Oh, God, let's not even go there!

Dear God, save me, for I am powerless to save myself.

2. Now that the elections are over, can we just move on?

So BN retains the government seat. Did they really cheat? Only God Knows. But they can't afford to be complacent anymore.

All I know is, I'm sick of racial politics, regardless of which side incited it. I'm sick of opening my FB newsfeed and seeing hate and accusations, back to back.

Everybody needs "UBAH". And I mean it as change for the better, no matter what your political ideologies or worldview.

...I don't know what to believe in anymore. It's easier to give up than to constantly seek for the truth, in today's graying world, where authenticity is difficult to ascertain, despite the many sources of information available at our disposal. Such irony!

How do you seek the truth when there is slander all around, when people deal in lies, and people act more emotionally than rationally?

Is ignorance bliss? I'm starting to think so.

So please, let's just put all this conflict aside. Stop acting childish. Man up and stop being such a sore loser. Remember that the helm of governance is actually an amanah, and God will question you in the Afterlife.

...And for God's sake, clean up all the flags and banners. They're an eyesore already!

Current Music: Taking Over Me - Lawson

Sixth!

Done with O&G, finally. Thank God. Sick of everything there already.

And...as for Anaes, surprisingly, I'm not enjoying it as much as I hoped.

Frankly, I'm scared. Very, very scared.

Current Music: Let Me Love You - Ne-Yo

Madhouse

Despite our small number, the higher ups still make unreasonable demands.

It's as if they don't care. As if they're ignorant as to how we're also struggling to perform our most basic of duties, and yet they continue to pester us by making things more complicated, more convoluted than necessary.

It's bloody stupid.

Just leave us alone, damnit.

No matter how I try to push myself to go beyond my limits, there are always obstacles.

Is it fair that we the innocents must pay for the follies of the idiots in the management department, and the selfishness of those who only seek to save their own sorry a**es?

The answer came to me on a fellow friend's facebook entry on my newsfeed:

"Nasib baik ada Akhirat"

Because He is the Most Just of Judges.

...and at times I figured it's selfish to ask for life to be a breeze all the way. Because life's not a bed of roses. Especially when you realise that you have pricks in power.

Current Music: Love Story meets Viva la Vida - The Piano Guys

Going Down

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful" ~ Sigmund Freud

1. If you will pardon the words that will follow - the hospital is going to the dogs.

Maybe that's why my current MO & specialist are trying to seduce me into O&G. Not because I'm capable or knowledgeable or anything, but because the department is losing people and they're trying to maintain the number.

Stupid policies are stupid. They're treating us like kids.

It feels especially insulting when you know you've been doing your best all this while, and yet...and yet you can't change people's perception, opinion, biases for the better.

But one may argue: screw what people say. You're not supposed to let them bother you so much, especially when you know that they themselves sometimes don't know any better. Give them some benefit of the doubt, or something.

But you're supposed to be doing all this, working, struggling in God's Cause, yes?

Ideally speaking, yes.

2. Resentment is easy. Easier than trying to find the obscure, almost nonexistent positive aspects of things.

It's easier, but it's just not right.

3. So if anyone's still interested to know, yes, most likely I'll be applying to return to Selangor once I'm done with housemanship.

Am I even worthy of wondering if there will be one who will try to change my mind?

Current Music: La La - The Cab

Intermission #46

1. In almost every situation, there is a high chance that there will be one mood-maker; One whose mere presence gives what kind of atmosphere the rest of us will be in.

Generally in the ward, this role is filled in by the specialist. If s/he is irritable or just being a pain, then chances are the rest of the day is screwed.

Actually it doesn't really matter which department you're in, but here in O&G and Surgical, you can practically feel the tension growing in the air; so thick that you might need a chainsaw to cut it.

The point is, don't abuse your power. This includes the tendency to inflict some indirect psychological insult.

2. Yesterday at work, while my specialist was deep in thoughts thinking on what to do about a suspicious CTG tracing for one of the patients who was in labour, I was in my usual pose - right hand poised with my trusty pen in position, ready to jot down whatever he might have to say. Then he glanced at me, and just gave me an amused smile. He commented how us HO's are always writing down stuff.

I blinked cluelessly, stared once at my pen, recapped it and chucked it into my pocket.

"Ah, that's better," said he.

I gave a measly smile, and stared at my half-written entry.

Then he ambled next to me, whispering, "You know, house officers are not clerks. You're a doctor. Aku dulu pun tak suka clerking, tulis-tulis..."

And, surprising even myself, I blurted out, "Yes, actually I'm confused too."

He chuckled silently. "Don't be."

When he already left me, I just stared at the still unfinished entry.

Yes, I think I'm very much confused about my job description.

I think I'm so used to being a mak turut, merely following orders and running here and there, that I can't even develop my own thinking skills; instead finding myself being so scared of questioning authority blatantly, even when I know they're being unreasonable.

3. I kind of envy how some people are not afraid of speaking out when they see injustice. Maybe they have this air around them - what they say comes out as a constructive criticism, a mature observation of human fallacies.

And me? Maybe people just perceive my words, my opinions as childish complaints, nothing more.

4. I'm very tempted to leave this hospital once my time for MO-ship comes. Especially when the lab is being an absolute pain in the arse, because there's no way I can bear taking up Pathology - if the chance ever presents itself - when I absolutely resent their policies.

Current Music: Angel with A Shotgun - The Cab

P/s: I'm getting really lazy with titles, am I not? Pfft!

Calm Before the Storm

Time-out.

A short break.

Pulling the brakes before heading - headfirst - into a new posting. Fifth posting. Obs & Gynae. This Sunday.

I am overwhelmed, though not in a positive sense of the word.

God, how I wish I have long finished this phase of working. I'm sick of working in an ancient hellhole with idiots running, administrating the place.

Too bloody long.

Would I say I am a more knowledgeable person now than, say, the fresh medical graduate of yore?

Hardly.

And here I am, wondering how on earth is it possible that I can think of everything and nothing, all at the same darn time.

Current Music: I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift

Compilations #19

1. Turnabout

On one fine night I was asked (read: ordered) to cover the haemato/onco ward for a day - a decision I made when I was barely awake, as I was already in my deep slumber. The next morning, with some sense of trepidation, I forced my way to the dilapidated ward instead of my usual route to my usual ward (High Dependency Ward).

Despite the reduced work load, I found myself missing HDW. And no amount of words could ever describe the relief I felt when I returned to HDW the following day.

I suppose some things just grow on you, despite your initial hatred - or indifference - towards them at first.

And some other things, after some twists of fate here and there, unexpected as they may be, can instantaneously trigger a complete change of reaction too.

I guess that's how life is meant to be, even after all these years of living. It is inevitable to judge and to be judged, but one must also be open to changes and be prepared to be challenged, be it physically or mentally and - mostly - spiritually.

We can't win them all. There will be some downsides...but at the end of the day all we can do is to estimate whether the positive aspects outweigh the negative, and if the former will all be worth the troubles of putting up with the latter.

2. Distance

Dear God, I can't take this anymore. But being too close for comfort has its own share of problems too.

Am I the only one who's hurting here?

Intermission #43

1. Perhaps it is time to take the plunge into the uncertain.

Testing the waters too long may have been an act of cowardice, but who can handle the thought of one's dreams collapsing?

Perhaps, in a way, it's already too late to back down.

2. I notice that I enjoy working when I go the extra mile voluntarily, not when people start demanding as if we are their personal attendants or something.

3. Roughly around 7 more weeks until Medical ends, iA. Praying that all will go well.

Also, my paranoia needs to stop intruding my subconscious and translating my dreams into nightmares.

Current Music: Hello - Karmin

Intermission #42

1. Yesterday was tiring, but worth it in the end.

Congrats, my dear sir, for exceeding my expectation not once, but twice over.

Congrats, dear self, for maintaining self-control.

2. Dear God, nephro ward is depressing. Not only because I'm the only one in the morning shift (why would an introvert like me feel lonely though?)...but because of the challenging veins and several patients yang banyak sangat cekadak, apa kata balik je la!!??

Cepat la habis, oh Medical! I can't take this no more...

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Intermission #41

I shouldn't let my work define my entire life. There's more to life than just work, after all.

I shouldn't let people get to me. People will be people anyway.

I shouldn't let my emotions get the best out of me, even when I probably have too much of them to begin with. Too much for this frail frame to handle.

I shouldn't get too involved in uncertain issues.

I should adhere to all the above mantra, because life is tough and what other option do we have other than to be tougher?

I still haven't grown up after all these years, have I?

Current Music: Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift featuring The Civil Wars

Upside Down

1. I'm astounded as to how ignorant I could be at times.

2. One reason why I chose this profession was because how I hated bureaucracy - the sense of being a "pak/mak turut" to your superiors because you're just a lowly kuli and so inexperienced and oh-so-styoopid.

Dear God, I didn't expect I could be more wrong. This is the epitome of bureaucracy.

Remember this rule?

(i) Your boss is always right.

(ii) If your boss is wrong, refer to rule number (i).

Yeah. My working environment is the perfect embodiment of this rule.

Which naturally brings us back to my point 1. Woe is me!

3. Perhaps rather than blowing your top and scolding us house officers (who are nothing but your cheap source of labour anyway), you MOs or specialists or whatnot's should just sit together and discuss among each other what each and everyone of you can request from each other, so that one department will not go and order bizarre and insane things from other departments.

It'd do a world of good rather than sitting together and complaining about us HOs. At least you'd probably understand each other better instead of condemning other departments for their so-called inefficiency or joblessness or whatever rubbish you can think of. Unless your egos are just too big to listen to other people.

What use is there in yakking at me when I'm only following orders?

And for the love of God don't bother asking me questions when you don't give me a chance to answer or give proper reasons.

And if you're just too high and mighty to entertain us HOs, then go yak at my superiors instead!

Honestly though. It feels as if all the higher ups do is complain about us rather than changing the hospital system or manner of management.

They're doing it wrong. But who are we to tell them that, hmm?

4. Don't think just because we're HOs, we have no idea what we're doing.

Oh wait, I forgot. We're your punching bag, your scapegoat, your black sheep. Getting scolded at for no good reason is apparently part of our job description.

...Pshaw! Is this what you call professionalism? Is there a need to make other people's lives more difficult than necessary?

5. I'm becoming less enthusiastic to join Pathology with each passing minute. Damn it.

6. God, when will this suffering end!?

I just hope I will not become like those that I now hate. Difficult, certainly, what with my own temper becoming more and more uncontrollable by the minute...

Current Music: Drive By - Train

Intermission #40

1. Getting real tired of all this crap, of this emotional roller coaster, and the unnecessary sources of stress.

I don't understand how some people can find even the smallest mistakes to point fingers at us lowly HOs.

How is it that people can find so much entertainment, so much sadistic joy in demeaning us the little people? Have they forgotten that they were once like us?

Or do they automatically judge us as incompetent just because we now subscribe to the shift system as opposed to their much demanding oncall system?

For all you know some of us lowly house officers are actually better than how they used to be back in those days in some aspects.

Of course there are those that are problematic, but what about the rest of us who work for real? Do all our hard work and energy go unnoticed?

Honestly, I don't enjoy my work anymore.

2. I can feel the distance growing between us, you who have risen above and I, still stuck in this gutter.

You who are having the time of your life, and I, struggling to find the small beacon of joy amidst all this despair.

You who have all the time on your hands, and I, always behind.

You who are in a crowd, while I, left deserted.

So forgive me for my inability to share your laughter, and - perhaps? - I shall forgive you for forsaking me.

Current Music: Hall of Fame - The Script featuring will.i.am

The Long and the Short of It

I'm making quite a name for myself as a no-nonsense, perpetually pissed off (senior) HO.

My scolding patients is not a new sight these days.

After 1 year in the system, I am already so severely disillusioned.

Is it that bad? Perhaps I exaggerate at times, but perhaps very few would argue with me if I say that the absurdities that this sorry excuse for a hospital dishes out to us house officers beats HTAA by a long, long shot.

Lab rules and protocols are moronic that I'm utterly embarrassed to adhere to their stupid system.

Patients boleh tahan jugak banyak cekadak diorang.

So called protocols and procedures retard our work.

Stupid CMEs are mostly a waste of time, when presenters obviously didn't put in much of an effort.

And for God's sake please stop calling me "Kak" already; I'm an effing doctor for crying out loud, stop telling me to change your IV drip!

And 2 years of HO-ship is too bloody long. Would I say that I'm learning? Hardly - most of my present knowledge I carried from my years as a medical student.

Four months of one posting is too long. What are we, cheap sources of labour!? Will all these insane levels of stress and overwhelming workload and lack of appreciation be worth it in the end?

I realise that the despair and disappointment in the general quality of HOs are not entirely fictional, but even so all this brouhaha is shedding light on an entirely wrong perspective. Even I occasionally facepalm at certain peers of mine, that at times I want nothing more than to fling my shoe in their direction.

I maintain that the higher ups should also share the blame, instead of making us the scapegoats just because we're the lowest in the hierarchy.

The working conditions could use a great deal of improvement. But what to do, the hospital is in poverty anyway.

The hospital is in near-shambles. The elevators are too damn slow, they give no meaning to "stat" anymore. As if the stupid procedures to enter the lab itself is not slowing things enough...

And don't even get me started on how stupid all this code asking business just to ask for blood.

I'm frankly surprised that the mortality rate of this hospital isn't any higher.

Screw everything, I'm outta here as soon as I can if I can help it.

Current Music: How to Go - School Food Punishment

Halfway There, Halfway Gone

"We often like to believe what we want to believe, often because the real facts challenge us too much. It is far easier to wallow in our prejudices than to seek out the truth in anything" ~ Marina Mahathir, The Star 30/08/2012.

1. Dear God, I can't believe that I'm already in Year Two of working.

I think of it as a mid-working life crisis. You know that you're long enough into the job that certain things are already second nature to you. You know enough people and are familiar with the procedures to get things done. You've worked long enough that you're already a familiar face to certain staffs.

And yet there are still things that still get to me.

How my stamina doesn't seem to have improved over the past year. How less tolerant I am to people - patients and relatives alike - who are bloody irritating. How pissed off I could get when my work is delayed no thanks to bureaucracy and the higher ups' ego and mood swings.

I like Medical because of the approach. But what I dislike about it is that it strikes me as a behavioural thing and thus, because of human fallacy and habits are just so hard to break, the process is endless.

Admissions are aplenty. Patients smell of cigarette smoke. Patients with psychiatric problems contributing to the chaos in the ward. And damn stupid elastoplasts that don't secure branulas properly should just rot in hell along with all the stupid, temperamental ECG machines.

This hospital is getting more and more idiotic.

2. The human factor in medicine is, as always, a great contributor to this love-hate (mostly hate, to be honest) I share with Medicine as a whole.

That is one reason why I shouldn't be allowed to practise clinical work.

But doing Pathology would mean abandoning the ward procedures, which previously actually took me some time to acquire.

Other specialties that I have considered include Anaesthesiology, Orthopaedics, Surgical and even ENT (I quote an MO of mine: "Easy no tension!").

Some people say I should worry about these options later. I say that I need something to look forward to, to work hard for.

All I know is, I need to get out of this damned hospital.

3. I feel old these few days. Maybe because a great number of fellow HOs in my current department are first posters, therefore are substantially younger (~2 years) than I am. Sometimes people mistook me for an MO - compounded by the fact that I prefer to roam around the ward without my white coat (I blame the global warming!).

A few people I already know are already MOs. I'm feeling some sort of delayed development here on my part.

4. Dang, esok keje lagi...

Current Music: Payphone - Maroon Five featuring Wiz Khalifa

Whence Shalt I Even Begin?

First of all - yes, I'm done with Surgical posting. There were a few hiccups every now and then - though I maintain that I am by no means guilty of most of them! - but the important thing is that I'm out of the torture chamber!

It's a good feeling. Praises be to Him, as He had definitely Eased me through it all. Especially since the department seems to be deteriorating with every passing minute, it's fortunate that I've already completed my four months' imprisonment. I want out of the madness, and not a minute too late!

Four months is a long time, no kidding. You know you're practically an ancient relic when your MOs start asking you if you're still in the department...because you've been with them for so long already. Pfft!

Would I say that I'm a better person after this experience? I truly doubt it. I remember getting frustrated and wondering if there was still justice in the world and fearing that my humanity will eventually be compromised in the process...or that I will evolve to become a replica of those that I despise.

My end of posting leave is approved, and I've been home for a few days. Alas, my sleeping pattern is as screwed as ever, and I spent most of my hours catching up with valuable Zzz's.

I'm just so bad at this.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy