Unrest

My head is not a pretty place to live in right now, especially since I barely have time (Final Pro exams next month OMG!!!111) to even entertain the notions that keep on making waves in my thoughts, but then I realise that I've not written for some time and...well, I get cranky once I skip blogging. Yes, so that's why I need to get it all out now to focus on the things that really matter (OMGFinalProOMG!!!111).

A couple of weeks ago my group posted in Internal Medicine had a session with Dr. M. Before starting he asked us to form a circle, and start introducing ourselves on several points: name, where we came from, our secondary school, favourite food and book, and what we aspired to be when we were but kindergarten schoolkids.

For my favourite book, I answered it as Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, a book that basically talked about the role of little things in success. And, surprise, luck plays a pivotal point! Who was it who said that "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation"? That person could not have been more accurate. There was another quote that specifically said the percentage of luck and perspiration, but I can't recall that one right off the bat. Regardless, sufficient to say, the book made me depressed.

Yes, my favourite book happens to compound my depression. Masochistic much? Tsk!

Outliers happened to be the second book by Gladwell that I read. The first was Blink, but perhaps I read it when I was too young that I can't really say the book made much impression on me. But I do remember one point: the role of the subconscious self.

Then I came across a webpage that talked about Gladwell's most recent book, What the Dog Saw. According to him, there are two methods of learning, the implicit and the explicit. The explicit deals with details and is done consciously, while implicit is more subconscious, like figuring out a pattern and - to some extent - skills. Some actions such as playing an instrument or acting are better suited to be done using the implicit learning.

The problem happens when the explicit takes over, which can occur when the brain takes over while we are under stress. There was a study done by Sam Glucksberg in which two groups were given the task to complete in a given time, but only one was given a reward, a financial intensive. As it turned out, this group finished later than the other.

I suppose that's why I tend to zone out at times, paying no heed to other stimuli around and within me while I perform certain things, like during the exams or even when people cross-question me when it comes to academics. Some may even accuse me of recklessness. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it has got me this far and...I'd like to think that it's just how my brain works. Maybe it became this way after all the depressing things that I run into, or how the education system has moulded my thinking methods, or even my years of gaming (which probably is done more intuitive than anything else I do).

Perhaps it will be better with time and experience. Yet I pray that I can count on it to get me out of a fix.

God Help me. God Help us all.

Current Music: Time's Scar - Chrono Cross OST

I Want to Believe

1. ...but there is an omnipresent black hole that sucks the living daylight from every sliver of light that flickers.

But the need to believe - this trust in God - wants to fight back. And so it struggles on, with whatever ounce of energy it has.

And, as always, my Ego self that is perpetually in the middle of a tug of war between the Superego and Id, will always swing to one side and then to the other. I'm getting dizzy from all the motion, sick of all the drama, and growing numb from all the uncertainty.

It's always the same darn thing over and over again, and really, when will this cycle end!? Haven't I learnt anything!?

2. ...It's pretty obvious that I'm trying to get in the mood for Psychiatry, is it not? Perhaps it's a means to drown the unpleasantness that I had to suffer through back then.

3. Bought a book that I've been searching for since roughly a week ago. The Sherlockian by Graham Moore. At this point in time I know I shouldn't be investing in more fictions, of all things, but lately it's getting hard to find joy in things that I used to have so much passion for. And so when the need to indulge comes, especially when it comes to those that rank high in my list of addictions, then there is simply no compromise.

Kind of like coffee too, come to think of it. There's the phase of need, then when it's not fulfilled the withdrawal symptoms come, and later on you'll find yourself drinking coffee just to maintain your physiological level at a basic functioning state. Otherwise the neurons get cranky, firing up in the areas that you least need activity in.

4. “The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live” ~ Joan Borysenko

...Lately I keep on getting killer questions, even _after_ the exams. Oh heck.

5. I was asked what my new year resolution would be. Then it struck me - with great horror! - how out of touch with time I've been lately, and that things are really coming at full speed, regardless whether I'm ready to play catch with it or am even prepared for a defense.
"What will be your 2011 resolution?"
'OMG it's really going to be next year soon! OMG!' "...to get skin hypertrophy." 'And it's not in the cancerous version, dear God...please, not that.'
"What?"
"...meaning to grow a thicker skin."

...Yeah. Maybe this numbness is a way of getting there. Perhaps it's not too impossible after all?

6. Why this? Because I can, and I need to lay off this blog for a bit. All the extra-lengthy posts gobbles up too much of my time, and it's probably easier opting for summaries and graphic representations instead.
Take note: Probably.
...Oh God.

Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry

Out for Blood

My choice in literature is simple: Give me a good mystery, preferably murder, and tell it in a good way. Bonus points if there are puzzles that have double meanings and have some reference rooted in history. (And I was not impressed by The Woman in White, although I lost sleep over the book because I couldn't put the book down owing to the sentiment running along the lines of "Good God, will you just end and release me from this torture?!")

But the current fad is - wait for it - vampires. Those blood-sucking undead with (close to) human faces and fangs that elongate when necessary.

And yes, while I do not see vampires as my cup of tea, allow me to say this: I want my vampire stories to have essence, at least one credible plotline, and characters that are fleshed out well and don't make me feel like I'm reading some self-fulfillment fantasies of an abysmal kind of writer who don't deserve to get her/his book published in the first place.

Do I need to mention the title, the so-called saga? I think not. Some people will be out for my blood...and as if I don't have enough social life at stake here...

Another confession: I have never read Bram Stoker's Dracula before. I do know a bit on the person he was based on - Vlad Tepes a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler, a sadistic prince from Romania who took pleasure in dining in his garden among his victims impaled on sticks, like a forest of bodies. The closest(?) vampire book that I read was Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. I read that thick book in the dead of the night while my roommates were asleep, and I got goosebumps. But I did finish it after several months, and while the plot was relatively unremarkable and the writing occasionally deteriorated to mundane description of landscapes, at least the vampires there had no qualms about attacking people to achieve their ends. Did it feel like some sort of a history lesson? Yes, but at least it wasn't as bad as our secondary school syllabus.

And Vampire Knight just didn't strike a chord even after I gave it the three-episodes-trial. The humour fell flat, and some things were just too unbelievable to take seriously.

Despite my lack of affinity with the supernatural beings (be it fiction or in real life, let's pray it'll stay that way!), already I have two vampire-related stories to check out:

(1) Shiki
It's the most anticipated series for the summer season, and will be a long series at over 20 episodes. Hope it's not anything like Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, because that one I couldn't tolerate although it was deemed as one of the best horror series. Others deem it a must watch for those who liked Ghost Hound, a title which I've been wanting to see as well. Still, this will be only kept in view while I embark on an adventure that is the fifth year (gasp!) because I discovered with Durarara!! that it is more fun marathon-ing the episodes rather than wait weekly.

To be honest, the character design irks me somewhat. Does the pointy chin serve any purpose beyond aesthetics?

(2) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
A new novel. Yes, Lincoln as in one of the past presidents of the US. Yes, he hunted vampires. Yes, it's a work of fiction.
...I'll just wait for a paperback version.

Yes, I am aware that I have better things to read. Thank God Durarara!! and Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood are over.

...Until some other anime comes along. And one is already upon me. Begone, temptation!


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

Compilations #10

1. It's a general truth that not everyone will get a piece of the pie.

In this dog eat dog world, it's every man for himself, and every woman for herself.

Simply knowing this doesn't mean that the battle is half won. If anything, it's the ticket to anxiety, injustice and ruthlessness.

Welcome to the world of capitalism.

2. I'd like, even for one day, to read a newspaper that has none of the following:

i. Road traffic accidents
ii. People getting murdered, accidentally or no
iii. Political ruckus and/or fracas
iv. pr0n, Objectification of sex
v. People getting kidnapped/putting on strike/getting robbed
vi. What the Prime Minister's wife is up to

...Yeah. I suspect it'll be a mighty fine edition, although probably it'll be awfully thin...

3. "It is a bad plan that admits of no modification" ~ Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims

Never say never - be it in medicine or one's every day life. For example, never say "I must not buy more fiction books because they will not be asked in the exams" because...well, I found myself doing just that.


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Now playing: Chris Daughtry - Life After You
via FoxyTunes

Compilations #8

1. The irony. I'm bored but I'm not exactly _ecstatic_ to start my elective posting next week. Perhaps I have been over-indulging that whatever studious mood I once had had been dampened. Not good, not good indeed.

2. I'm getting a bit too paranoid. It's sad that we can no longer perform charity for others without a certain inkling tingling. Like some sort of a radar for frauds or those with ulterior and evil motives. It's sad, because it feels as if we're having bad preconceived ideas as to a person's character - even though s/he is the complete opposite.
Given the kind of world we live in, of course it doesn't hurt to be extra careful. But still! Why must humans sink so low? And since when?

3. I need to stop buying novels. Seriously. I am so disappointed in Dante's Numbers, and Cocaine Blues just reeks of Mary Sue.
Maybe it's a sign that I should instead focus on some academic reading...

4. Note to self: More pain ahead. Get ready with Band-Aids and other therapeutic measures.

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Now playing: Barenaked Ladies - The Big Bang Theory Theme Song
via FoxyTunes

Compilations #6

1. With the first week of Ophthalmology in the past, things are heating up. Clinic day on Monday, and already I'm anticipating the worst. Best thing to prevent this would be to prepare myself with facts and knowledge...
Good thing that yesterday's presentations were over with. Now to get down to proper studying...

2. Call me unwise, but I've managed to procure yet another novel - David Hewson's Dante's Numbers - to satisfy my thirst for fiction. At the rate I'm going, I would be able to establish some sort of a library or something...
And The Alienist is beautiful. I'm not even halfway done, but God, it's so worth the money I put into!

3. I do read something else than mystery/murder novels, of course. Motivational books I like as well (Never mind that I was somewhat offended when a salesperson suggested that I checked out another rack of motivational books, but that is irrelevant), although quite few of them are well-written enough for me to appreciate - or for them to give an impact that it'd actually manage to change my life in some way. But I do like Dale Carnegie's works.
In summary of what I've read so far: We worry because we are confused. We are confused because we don't have enough facts. We don't have enough facts because those that we have collected are inadequate, influenced perhaps by emotions and our own biases.
As said by Thomas Edison, "There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the labour of thinking".
And, by Andre Maurois, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us into a rage".

Beautiful, and true.

The lesson? If I want to survive in this challenging world of medicine, for God's sake be objective.

Current Music: So Beautiful - Darren Hayes

P/s: ...Perhaps being busy in Ophthalmology has one advantage. I quote: The worried person must lose himself in action, lest he wither in despair.
Anyhow, here's a link for anyone who's up for online Ophthalmology reading. Or even this, I guess.

P/p/s: If I'm not updating this blog regularly, it's because I'm busy with another pseudoblog, i.e. Ophthalmology's e-logbook.

P/p/p/s: What is this sudden infatuation with Savage Garden!? Not too long ago it was with OneRepublic...Tsk tsk.

Intermission #7

1. Done with Radiology for now. My eyes hurt, my head spins. Making sense of a spectrum of gray is taking its toll on me...
Next, dermatology. Ack.

2. Case reports. Thank goodness they're done with.

3. Can't wait to go back next weekend. Got a call from the bookstore saying that Caleb Carr's The Alienist that I ordered one month ago has finally arrived. If I weren't at the hospital when I received the call I would've squealed like a fangirl on helium (or sugar rush, whichever is higher in frequency).
I did manage to finish Caleb Carr's Killing Time one week after purchasing the book (deliberate delay on my part), but God Knows that after I shut the back cover of the book, I had some bad aftertaste lingering in my buccal cavity. That's not to say that the book was _bad_ - on the contrary, it was well-written, and it highlighted one of the major concerns of this so-called information technology age - but maybe that's exactly it; It rings true to the current scenario, and I shudder when I realise that I could be playing right into the enemy's field, just the way they wanted me to. Tsk.

4. On a positive note, the so-called Book Fair - not many books to choose from, but I suppose I'm in no place to complain - did manage to provide me with three books that were awesome bargains. It just shows that there could be hidden gems among the, uh, not-so-worthwhile.
...So what if I still am only two-thirds through Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, and halfway through Simon Winchester's The Professor and The Madman?

5. Methinks I should widen my choice of reading materials. Sure, crime and mysteries are intriguing, but they highlight the dark sides of people - one that is willing to trample over others just to get their way, and to satisfy their selfish needs and greed.
...Somehow I can't imagine myself reading chick lits or Twilight romance stuff. I need more intricate plots, more complex characters, and story development that blows one's mind.
And I want Dan Simmon's Drood.
Writing is difficult. Which is why I haven't written much lately.

6. I'm all out for technology, but reading books the old-fashioned way still beats eBooks.
The same goes to academic books, alas.

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Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Naruto chapter 486 made me LOL (there's simply no other manner to describe it). Or rather, the reactions to that chapter... *snicker*

P/p/s: Am way behind Durarara!!...Maybe getting the DVD once it comes out would be a better option...

Vacant Thoughts

1. "A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor" ~ Victor Hugo

"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything" ~ Floyd Dell

Idleness, akin to drugs,
Crawls discreetly, permeating,
In one's veins and nerves,
Filling out.

It weighs us down,
Blunts the mind,
And dims the soul.

~ (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010

2. That is not to say that the current block - Specialised posting, more specifically, Radiology - is like a walk in a park.
In fact, putting Radiology in perspective; It's seeing the world in black and white, and in between. But you still get more, from "a stack of coins", "bird's beak" or "bat's wings"...
Bored of the monochromes? Just add colour - in this case, dyes.

3. Anaesthesiology. Nice.
...Yet my case reports are still pending.

4. The weather's killing me. It's too hot to do anything, and I don't have to get a proper workout to deceive myself regarding my physical activities!

5. It seems that I have taken a backseat in my hobby, i.e. instead of writing, of late I've been compelled to take on the role of a reader...But who am I to complain, when I have high-quality reading materials at my disposal?

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Now playing: Matsushita Yuuya - Trust Me
via FoxyTunes

Deprivation

An amazing feat. No, I am not talking about my surviving forensic medicine posting in HKL last week (ooh, bodies, blood and putrefaction galore!) and the god-awful but bearable traffic jam (my record being stuck in a bumper-to-bumper jam: close to 1 hour 30 minutes)...but rather, two weeks without Internet connection, because Streamyx is in dire need of improving its customer service. That, or the cables at my home are calling out for a change.

Astoundingly, without the Net - which automatically means no new anime watched, no new manga chapters read, no online reading, no blogging, no FB (...), et al - some things were achieved. Three books were finished: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, The Fire by Katherine Neville (earning itself one of the best ever historical fiction this humble reader has had the pleasure to peruse!), and The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins (a good mystery, considering it was written in the mid 1800s - although it was no Sherlock Holmes material). I'm also awaiting my order - Caleb Carr's The Alienist, which I could expect to arrive in 2, 3 weeks. In the meantime, I'll comfort myself with The Alchemist and Outliers.

I have managed to not shop, partly because almost nothing managed to pique my interest.

Am presently on holiday in Perak, but tomorrow, by God's Will, we'll set off for Cameron Highlands. Strawberries, mmm...

Current Music: Ah, Putrefaction - Sherlock Holmes OST<--in the spirit of forensic medicine!

Hon

So my dad gave me a book called Don't Be Sad, which is the English translation of (the hit?) Laa Tahzan.

I've so far read up to page 49, and as I had assumed, the book failed to affect me much.

I'd be lying if I were to say that it has zero effect on me. There is a little difference, but it's not enough to boost me up from sub-sea level of depression.
I'd be frank; So far whatever I've been reading, around 85% of them is precisely what I've been telling myself all along. It's no longer a question of knowing, but being.

Things about God being the Ultimate Power. Check.

On how things could be a lot worse. Check.

Things about His Plannings being the best one for an individual. Check.

Things about making the most out of the present, and forgetting the past. Check.

Things about people are people. Check.

Not being like others, but be yourself. Check.

Differences among people, and that there won't be a time when everyone will agree with you. Check.

In other words, check, check, check, and more check.

But I do like the way the author inserted Quranic verses here and there appropriately.

His argument about the future being an abstract entity, though, is something that I tend to disagree with.

It's true that the future can't be reached until we come to it, whereby it will by then become the present, and the current present turns into the past. I think about the future a lot, because it provides direction. It gives a glimpse as to what you want to achieve, and and idea as to how you're to utilise the present to shape the future that you want.

...My argument is weak, but it's still the principle that I've been holding on to for the past...ten years (Before that, I was too dumb to realise the harsh realities the world has to offer).

Will I finish the book eventually? Perhaps, but I doubt it'd be any time soon - I've other things to read and memorise. I do hope no one would ask about my progress, because I won't even dare call it a progress, as far as my reading is concerned.

Will I actually change my mind about the book? I don't know, and I don't care.

Don't get me wrong - it's a good book. People can and do benefit from it.

It's just not good enough to revolutionalise my life.

People tend to exaggerate, yes. It depends on what is it that you're exaggerating.


Current Music: death wish - Gackt