Renascence

It's like I've finally seen the light, now that I'm aware of the error of my ways.

Although, it would seem too farfetched if I were to say that it was a total rebirth on my part. I have, in fact, realised it long ago - but I'd say that it is only recently that I've mustered enough courage to...experiment.

Of course, I'm not saying that I'm changing my style as a whole. More accurately, one may say that I'm in the beginning of the transition state.

Never mind that this whole change is somewhat late. Better late than never, in any case.

I can't say that I'm confident that it will work out - perhaps it will. For one thing, it'll make me stop taking things too lightly and letting me subconscious self do all the work without my own assistance (Perhaps that's why she has been rebellious of late...).

Habits are difficult to break. It means letting go of what I used to feel comfortable with, what I felt _used_ to. But at least, I'm trying.

Get a grip. One will never know everything. The least one can aim for is as much as his/her brain is able to take, as long as there's stamina, as long as Father Time is smiling upon him/her, with blessings from the Powers that Be.
It's a leap into the dark, and out of my comfort zone.

Current Music: Keep Tryin' - Utada Hikaru

Merci

As the Japanese proverb goes, even a paper has two sides.
So allow me to begin by extending my 'heartfelt' gratitude.
To my university, which I will not mention its name here, thank you for giving me the chance to be in the course of my dreams.
Thank you for giving me the avenue to search for my true meaning of life.
Thank you providing me with a comfortable little corner I can call my own.
Thank you for introducing me to my batch.
Thank you for giving me a freezing cold lecture hall. (I like cold temperatures!)
Thank you for the new experience.

But.

Thank you for making me hike virtually everyday.
Thank you for managing to make studying less interesting, and more tormenting.
Thank you for making me surrounded by scary people.
Thank you for isolating me from civilisation.
Thank you for complicating things beyond perspective.
Thank you for making my life more difficult that it had to be.
Thank you for denying my rights as a human being.
Thank you for making me a worse person, instead of a better one.
Thank you for stripping me away from what I held dear.
Thank you for sucking my parents' money.
Thank you for deteriorating my health as a whole.
Thank you for helping me mess up my life and myself.
Thank you for changing me, to the extent that now I am foreign even to myself.

Interesting. The negatives outweigh the positives by a long shot. Is the future worth the present?

Current Music: Killing Me - L`Arc~En~Ciel

Shinjitsu

I present here two lines: "The truth will set you free" and "Truth is bitter". Take your pick.

Of course, this would depend on what kind of 'truth' are we speaking of. Usually one would go to the ultimate pain just to hide awful truths so...I'd have to go for the second. And no, I don't think it's only the pessimist of me speaking when I said that.

Setting oneself free...perhaps it's true when it concerns God. Before the 'freedom', one still has to go through the bitterness of it all

"You still don't trust in Him, do you?"

It's not just a question of trust. It's about me, whether I can actually pass this so-called test. Even if I were to 'score', how will it affect the rest of my future? I mean, all this stress is doing injustice to my physical and emotional health - is the transient moment of euphoria in this world worth all the trouble and pain I had to go through?

We all know the answer to that: "You're here for the life after this one".
There, I'm tongue-tied. But we're on a bridge that connects this life to the Afterlife, yes? If my bridge is burnt before I was to actually cross, what is my option?

I still have to make sure my bridge is strong enough to withhold the pressure and forces (external or internal) imposed on it. Perhaps we're too concerned with the beginning and the end, that we bothered less about the intermediate. Life is a journey, and we know where our _real_ destination once we breathe our last breath.
It's about maintenance too.

Current Music: Travelling - Utada Hikaru

Namae

Sometimes hearing my name being called is enough to embarrass me. While it has no negative connotation associated to it, but...the fact that I can never live up to the 'positivity' of my name is truly...depressing.
I'm only the personification of the physical solidity aspect, nothing more.
It's bad enough that I tend to argue with anything that I find wrong (no matter how trifling it may be), but now...I even argue with myself. It's a cause for concern, how it contributes to my indecisiveness.
And the fact that I'm rebuking myself...and accusing myself of being too...vile is just too unbearable at this point.
So why is it so damn hard to just be positive for once?
From last night's conversation, I can only answer in this way: Because life's not a fairy tale. Be realistic, and reality is depressing. Like I said, "Welcome to the real world"...where only the strong will survive - then oppress the weak.
But I don't intend to go into political issues - or the administrations, for that matter. Perhaps there will come a time when...I can slaughter them as much as they deserve to be slaughtered.
I know my priorities. I know what kind of obstacles lie ahead and within me - so what is stopping me from racing forward?
"You're your own worst enemy".
It's an axiom that there are some things that one cannot change - one can only change oneself. The problem is...habits are hard to break.
The hardest point is always in the beginning. Come to think of it, I have never actually been in the beginning. I'm still far from the starting line.
And I'm no runner.
It's scary, to feel that I can't even control myself properly. What am I left with?

Current Music: D-technolife - UVERworld

Onaji

Frankly speaking, I'm out of things to say.
I realise that day by day, the same thoughts cross my mind - no need to repeat them here - and yes, my emotions crumble due to the same darn things all over again.
I'm sick of it. It just proves how weak I truly am.
Perhaps this is His way of strengthening me up, shaping me into a better person?
(Merely by hearing a positive voice in my head is scaring me. No kidding. Usually I wouldn't bother too much).
The future is anybody's guess.

Okane

'Is there anything better than to be longing for something, when you know it is within reach?' - Greta Grabo

I don't see myself as a shopaholic. Really, I kid thee not. But as an average shopper, I still feel anguish when I see price tags at the mall.

One may argue: You're paying for the quality, so it's okay to pay big bucks for it. But let's face it, not all pricey stuff are good in terms of quality, and likewise, not all pricey stuff are actually worth the money at all.

I wonder what power do brands have that they manage to impact our psychology. A shirt for over one hundred bucks? Surely the manufacturers are joking!

And yes, I'm starting to be wary of sales. While it is refreshing to see 50% off or even 70% off, but don't you ever wonder if they had, in fact, raised the price prior to the sale, that in the end, despite the so-called sale, you're still paying for...say, not too far away from the original price?

I mean, it's bad enough to have heard that some food supplement manufacturers have been somewhat...vile in the case of those who stretch the truth - lying on the food labels.

So what _can_ we trust nowadays?

For one thing, I think it's acceptable to say that the world today, as we know it, is moving towards destruction, no thanks to humans who are too greedy in searching for material wealth in that they deceive others.

Money is becoming our first priority. Let's be realistic here - without money, one can hardly survive. Heck, to even lead a life without the luxury would be quite hard.

Temptations. Need I say more?

I'm sorry for spending. I don't think I overdid it, because...well, let's just say that the rational part of me kept my head in the vicious game of shopping.

All these bickerings within me is starting to be a pain. I do wish it won't be too damaging for my emotional and psychological health.

Otherwise...well, best not go into it.

Tsuzuku

"Just remember - when you think all is lost, the future remains" - Dr. Robert H. Goddard

The past doesn't always reflect the future. My glory days are over - for now, at least.

Like I said before, I'm still lost. At certain times, it feels like I can't go on any longer.

So please, I do hope that they won't make it harder than it already is. I'm a different person now, no thanks to this new environment I'm stranded in.

Do I have the will to carry on? I doubt it.

If only...

kaeru!

"The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can't learn anything from being perfect" - Adam Osborne

Today I should be on my way home, just so that I can spend the weekend there. Hey, despite my screwing my mini test (not royally, praises be to God for that) but I still can't help feeling rather disappointment.

But I should be rather unaffected by such sentiments. How many times have I encountered disappointment, and how many times I've told myself that if it is for the better future, then I wouldn't mind screwing the present - as long as the damage is not too great, rendering the future nothing more than a faraway dream.

Never mind. There's always another chance for revenge.

Praying to God for a safe journey home. Perhaps there, I'll regain myself - only to lose her again after a while.

Life is a discovery.

Numb

One of the things that I fear the most is near. The first test, in which most people - as can be seen from the past batches - will fail.

I can see myself as one of them. While I do hope it's merely a groundless paranoia, part of me is certain of it. The question is, will I be able to take it?

My pessimism is, decidedly, more beneficial than my being positive. In a way, it prepares oneself for the worst, though the risk of getting high blood pressure or heart attack is not exactly what I have in mind, now in the future.

Speaking of health problems, the problem-based learning that they have here is not exactly as fun as I had thought. For one thing, it depends too much to the 'facilitator' (the lecturer who is present) in terms of giving out the marks. The problem comes when there's some sort of communication failure - ie. the facilitator did not specify beforehand what s/he wants exactly, or in what manner is the presentation to be like - and when the facilitator expects too much from us.
For the love of God, this is only our first block. We're still fresh and blur. And we're not really as smart as you think we are. Yet, at least.

I'm destined for mediocrity.

I can't seem to keep my focus. While this was the same problem I faced before, now it has worsened. Too many things are bothering me, all at the same time. And the fact that other people could study - and they happened to be very informed of what they read - bothered me as well.

Perhaps I'm the only one who hasn't adapted to my surroundings. I've always seen myself as a rigid person, taking such a long time to change, to familiarise, to blend in with the new ambience. Will time allow it, then? Or will it suck me, turning me upside down and voila! Say hello to Failure, who'll be accompanying me until the end of time.

I'm not myself anymore. I hardly knew myself then, and now...it's like a total stranger has taken over my mind, body and soul. Perhaps the real me was never fated for medical school.

Disappointment is tough, but hey, you know it's coming. Best be prepared for it.