Desiderata

Desiderata (L.) - desired things

With what little time I do have to spare after a hard day's work, is it any wonder that my brain refuses to embark in any further ruminating? And naturally my words will not write themselves, as all I yearn to do these days is to succumb to my lethargy and let my dreams take over.

But I must refrain from talking about work. Because my life is more than that, yes. And because I shouldn't be thinking about work on an off-day.

...My attention capacity is at a worrying level. I can't even finish a chapter properly, what more a book. And yet I still find myself handing over the cash to purchase another book. As I clutch the item close to my person, my mind wonders if this time will be any different from the last time I lost myself in a bookstore.

Whatever the response to that question may be, it ends with my forsaking that thought - because honestly, habits die hard - and praying to God that my self-control will eventually triumph over this materialistic want.

And so I peek into my purse, sigh into it, and chucked it into my bag and walk away, pushing whatever regret I may have into the back of my mind, until it reappears like a sceptre the next time I repeat this folly.

Shopaholic in the making? Goodness, I hope not.

Also, the number of pants that I have now is dangerously close to the number of skirts I already have. Which is worrying, considering that - if you knew me at all - I have never been a pants kind of a person.

Until recently, I suppose. Because there is no way on God's Earth can you wear a skirt or baju kurung and perform CPR without appearing...undignified.

Current Music: Call It What You Want - Foster the People

Intermission #42

1. Yesterday was tiring, but worth it in the end.

Congrats, my dear sir, for exceeding my expectation not once, but twice over.

Congrats, dear self, for maintaining self-control.

2. Dear God, nephro ward is depressing. Not only because I'm the only one in the morning shift (why would an introvert like me feel lonely though?)...but because of the challenging veins and several patients yang banyak sangat cekadak, apa kata balik je la!!??

Cepat la habis, oh Medical! I can't take this no more...

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Compilations #16

1. I have just lost whatever ounce of respect I once had, however negligible it was to begin with.

This may prove to be problematic in the long run.

Is this just my larger-than-life ego speaking? Or does it stem from my disappointment in those I call my superiors?

2. How is it possible to maintain one's niyyah and selflessness - keikhlasan - at work, when it feels like everything is working against you?

Dear God, let not every effort of mine be in vain in Thy Eyes.

3. Which is worse - no system or bad system? I honestly can't tell anymore.

I can't take all the stupidity around me.

4. Dunia dah terbalik...

5. Sometimes I think we don't match. We, who come from two different worlds, with different temperaments and whims.

But every time I hear your voice, my heart makes a little leap like a young puppy, and against my will a smile breaks through the iron facade that I put up.

When our eyes meet, a small part of me can't help feeling that I may not be good enough for you, and wonder what is it that you see in me, a simple girl with a disjointed view of the world. And so I tear my eyes away - reluctantly! - because I don't wish for you to see the sadness that threaten to show itself with each passing time.

Somehow I have a feeling that you know what you've done to me.

...Stop making me fall harder, darn you!

Also...I kinda hate that I'm missing you more than I should.

...I'm so bad at this sort of things, am I not?

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Intermission #36

1. Kudos, Sir, for making me all jittery when all I want to do is be still.

I applaud you, Sir, for single-handedly inspiring my muses one moment and then killing the poetry that they wove in the next.

Lastly, I congratulate you for giving me a light of hope, however small it may be, and more reasons to smile and, ironically, torture myself - all at once.

2. Please, Dear God, let me finish Paediatrics soon.

3. Maybe I should just go back this weekend. On Friday, right after work, even just for one night.

Current Music: Always Be There - Maher Zain

And Now, For Something Relatively New

1. ...On second thought, maybe it ain't all new.

I'll be frank. At work, last week was bad on so many levels. I realise that I'm just not cut out for neonatal resuscitation stuff, and couple that with loads of cases, I'd say that it was hell to go through. Yes, including the fact that on the night prior to said resus I would be having nightmares. Nightmares, I tell you!

So yeah, I'm not into emergency stuff. It's not good for my poor little heart.

This week has been a breath of fresh air. Yeah, so I got stuck with being the Head of the shift for several times, but hey, anything is better than being the one in charge of Resus. There were a couple of dramas ("Why did you guys steal one of our p.m. people!? You guys have enough people already!" or "Why the heck am I Head again suddenly? Why me!?" or "Dude, why do we have so many premature babies and twins? What the heck is O&G doing? What the heck have the Melaka people been doing!?") and stuff, but...well, at least I'm still alive and kicking. And vigorous with good respiratory effort and muscle tone and...uhhh, yeah.

Last week I was in pieces. This week...somehow, I recovered. The trip back home last weekend helped greatly...and then some.

2. ...I am already defeated, but if it means eventually winning a bigger game, then it's fine with me. More than fine, in fact.

But only if I'm not going down alone.

3. Fact: I hate working in the nursery during weekends. For so many reasons that I don't bother making a list anymore.

4. Off day tomorrow, yay! Maybe it's high time to spring clean my room...and shop for a pair of shoes. Again.

Current Music: Without You - David Guetta featuring Usher

P/s: Karniza, dude, terharu to see the pics in your blog entry! Missing you guys and the good ol' university days already...

Compilations #15

1. Time, a great agent of Change.

But certain things are difficult to get rid of. My penchant for dramatisation, for instance - perhaps it's just how my humour is, how I roll.

Never listen to me after my night shift but before my morning cup of coffee; Whatever I babble on will either send you into fits of laughter or give you the urge to knock your head (not mine, I hope?) against the nearest wall.

2. I haven't been updating my writing blog much.

Perhaps it's because my focus has been shifted - towards work, and towards certain possibilities that I have long deemed as mere fiction, and yet still cannot help but to feel drawn to.

It's scary, isn't it, how small things can affect things in big, unimaginable ways?

I salute you, but at the same time I lament for my own weakness for being human.

3. Somehow I always manage to get myself stuck in weird and awkward situations. It's like I'm a natural magnet for this sort of thing.

The uncertainty thrills me for a short while, then it comes and knocks me down to my knees, and kills whatever light of hope I once had.

...I wonder how long will I be able to take this rigmarole before it completely exhausts me.

Current Music: Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

In Which There are Too Many Maybe's

1. I haven't been well lately.

It has been one week of strenuous coughing & feverish episodes, I'm suspecting that I might be having pertussis. Last night I probably spent close to three hours coughing - dry, irritating cough - that I lost sleep. Today I was more on autopilot mode, and yet still managed to do my morning rounds. Luckily my MO was nice that she said she'd just read my notes rather than let me do the talking…

Still unwilling to take any cough syrup. Never been a fan of them since the start, to be honest. Already on the antibiotic azithromycin, only because the pharmacy is out of Augmentin and one MO said the bugs in my current paeds ward can only be killed by either Augmentin or azithromycin…

Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's all the germs that the patients brought with them to the ward. Or maybe it's something more…

2. I'm probably destined to be an outsider.

Maybe I'm not a good friend after all. I can't seem to make the sacrifices to actually hang out with them, mainly because of my busy schedule and hectic life and, most of all, the distance.

Maybe my introspectiveness and weak stamina should be blamed as well. Or maybe I'm just not caring or selfless enough…

3. It's tiring for me to follow others' paces all the time. But it's even more hurtful when my timing is off and I get a forced response.

Sometimes I think it's just not fair.

4. I miss having people to chat with.

So yeah, I am missing my university days. At least we were there, in one place, free to hang out and laugh together and share ice creams and watch movies and stuff. Sometimes we would celebrate birthdays and, just for the heck of it, drive around town even though there was nothing worth seeing.

I miss the philosophical talks. Despite my preference for writing, I find it easier and more fulfilling to converse face to face with people. I get to analyse the tone of the voice, the body language, the speed of response...the kind of things that you don't get just from texting or phone calls or even online chats.

Maybe I'm just not good with people. My colleagues at the ward are just that - colleagues. Our shift ends, we go off in our separate ways, and we won't talk or text much unless it's directly work-related.

So maybe I do enjoy going to work - to some extent.

…So what is it that is holding me back, keeping me away?

5. Am I the only one suffering here?

Would the knowledge change anything between us? What would it take for you to summon the courage and take the plunge?

Am I forever destined to be chasing that which is not meant for me? As well as running away from those that I deem as hazards?

Intoxicated

Could this be a bipolar disorder in the making?

How does one maintain one's faith, one's optimism in something that is so incredible, so incomprehensible, so subjective to human knowledge? Is it enough to have intuition alone in the mere act of realizing it as what it is? In the face of adversity, how does one remain steadfast in one's aim?

All this is so new to me, and yet the pain - the pain is something that I'm familiar to, no thanks to my past 'experiences'. Take note, in this context familiar does not mean 'being accustomed to'...

It's difficult to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, lest I lose touch with reality, when I get swept off my feet with every little thing.

I hate this feeling. But if I were to be honest to myself, it's a thrill that I find myself craving for more. Is this why drug addicts find it difficult to give up their source of pleasure?

Dear God, I sound like a raging lunatic on a high, I'm starting to scare myself.

They say that one will fall as one learns to walk. But here I am, taken high up in the sky (not entirely without my consent, I must confess), but I'm too scared that I will fall, if it comes to that.

It might break me in more ways than one.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

Intermission #33

I haven't blogged for some time.

Today was my day off, and spent the noon getting some stuff and grabbing lunch. Shopping malls being a good place to study (...) human behaviour, I find myself getting turned off by the sight of people...and feeling awkward just by being there.

Social phobia, anyone?

I never felt that way during med school. Maybe because there were always friends to go out with (since our schedules didn't clash much), and time was otherwise occupied. Even in campus the food was agreeable - more agreeable than the hospital cafe here, as a matter of fact, so in terms of food there was not much complaint. But here...

...Yeah, let's just leave it at that.

The sight of me eating alone in restaurants is nothing new.

So when three of my ward-mates and I got together for dinner just now, it was pure awesome. The food was awesome, they were awesome, and yeah...the night was awesome. They were laughing like mad, and I had a hard time suppressing my own laughter that my tummy was hurting. People were probably staring at us, but there was no helping that...

And the best part? There will probably be a second time, God Willing.

Honestly speaking though, I had no idea it would come to this, joining them for something that doesn't involve work.

Perhaps this is contentment. Alhamdulillah.

What Lies Ahead

"Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" ~ Albert Einstein

1. The clock keeps on ticking, the countdown doesn't stop, and my agitation is worsening. So much so that even my sleeping schedule is royally disrupted, because my brain has kicked into defense mode - writing, or more accurately, the desire to write.

My muses are in a state of unrest, my plot bunnies run wild, and my mind refuses to conform to what logic insists I should do. Not good, not good at all.

I want to give it up. Maybe find another hobby, or another way to engage my brainworks.

...But because things rarely go according to plan, I'm quite scared to commit to the idea of forgoing it. Who knows what kind of things will accumulate in my head without a proper outflow channel?

Sometimes I see myself as a collector. I pick up things here and there, mostly reluctantly and out of the force of habit, but even when I thought it has long left my person, even when I become liberated from its iron grasp, the tiniest proof of its presence still remains, and it can go viral when least expected.

2. We fear what we do not know.

I think one of the greatest problems that I have with this line is the sheer uncertainty of what will come. I'm talking in terms of patients' sequelae or prognosis, but more of "What will come through that door and into my care?". Or, in broader example - Which posting will I be placed in? Which hospital?

We also fear what we cannot control.

3. As a side note - I mentioned elsewhere that I absolutely hate batik. Subsequently, I hate shopping for batik, especially when there's not much choice to begin with. Honestly, though, it's pathetic.

...If the government wants to make it a ruling or a dress code, for God's sake make sure there are enough supplies to meet demands. And those supplies had better be darn good.

Ugh.

Current Music:  e・ter・ni・ty - UraBoku OST

Status Quo

The idleness will be the death of me, but to be honest, it will be duly missed once it ceases its reign, and I enslave myself to a life of responsibilities and serving the people, all in the name of answering His Call.

At times I wonder what is it that I've got myself into; Abandoning my interests and what essentially made me, me…will it bode well in the end? Or rather - will I survive the journey itself? Or will I be torn asunder by the gravity of the job, the multiple facades of people, and these turbulent times? Will my sanity maintain its steadiness, or will it finally crack under pressure?

Through all these, I hope God is with me, though undeserving I may be. God Forbid.

I have been writing a lot, although truth be told, most of them still reside in my head rather than in any tangible form. I've been spamming my Tumblr like there's no tomorrow, and similarly, busy deleting spams that somehow made it into my mailbox. Out, damn'd spam[1]!

The truth still stands, strong as ever. Writing is what I do. Thus my thoughts continue to wonder, what am I to do?

The differences between Arts and Science, the two are like estranged brothers, as different as night and day. While Science revels in the unrevealing of mysteries and the unveiling of truths, the Arts seem to reign supreme in the unknown and the irrepressible. How many tragedies written in the past were driven by people unable to contain their rage and rabid desires any longer? How comedies could bring joy to an otherwise murky world?

The two coexist in my head, a jungle of unexplored territories, a garden of juvenile hope, a dungeon of human fallacies, a stretch of plane where imagination takes many forms in turn?

Not to say that I regret my education thus far. But perhaps the Arts has not been given enough recognition it truly deserves, which goes beyond the superficial looks and the temporary glitters and greedy glamour? Even now, as idleness accompany my days, as I seek to amuse myself with whatever shows the television offered me, oftentimes that I found myself frowning in rebuke and scoffing with scorn.

Perhaps the tragedy of the Arts is that it's all, "been there, done that". Every cliche imaginable has been recycled that the effect has been lost, replaced by disappointment. The all reaching media ensures that there is a continuous stock of things that would feed the public's hunger for the hedonistic. And so what was left, except looks?

The problem of paper thin plots and gaping plot-holes are covered up by actors and actresses that are only pretty faces but are unable to act to save their lives. Tone deaf singers without much practice and wide range of abilities only need to ensure on looks to get them by. There are also gimmicks and cheap publicity stunts  that they used to boost up their popularity.

We are easily satisfied with mediocrity, and we become thirsty for more.

It is this quest for beauty that the public unwittingly get trapped in. People are not beautiful enough, not thin enough - but what is there to say about one's attitude?

"You're perfect as you are", or "Never change", or "Just be yourself". Yup, I've seen a lot of them on Tumblr.

While I'm not against positive advices, I do caution their use in situations. Such advices mentioned above are definitely not for those in dire need of a change of attitude.

There is a stench of haughtiness of "I'm good enough", as in the case of "I do as I please". Whatever happened to the quest of becoming a better person each day? Isn't that what growing up is supposed to amount to?

What goes around comes around - some people call it karma, but it's just God's Decree.

I apologize if this post had somehow trod on someone's toes, but it needed to be said. I assure you that all the rumination that I've done over this post hasn't actually relieved my conscience.

Current Music: Sadame - X TV OST

[1] - Parodied from Shakespeare's original work. Here is the real thing - Macbeth Act 5, scene 1:

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then
'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and
afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our
pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to
have had so much blood in him?

I, Fangirl

Contrary to popular belief, fangirling is a serious business.

There are not many things that excite me as much as the next person. I rarely follow TV series or even movies. Perhaps it's just how I was brought up - the TV wasn't my companion until after SPM.

I kind of think that my childhood is trying to get back at me. The level of fangirling I do for anime, Japanese RPGs etc is insane. Which is followed closely by Apple computers.

And so it is with open arms that I welcome the latest addition to my gadget collections. Affectionately named Avicenna II, it serves as a reminder to his predecessor, my very first Apple iBook.

Alhamdulillah.

This is not an advertisement for Apple. Really.
Clockwise: Mac Mini (Miki), iPod Shuffle, MacBook Pro (Avicenna II), iBook (Avicenna I), Apple keyboard & Apple mouse.

Honestly though - even now I question the necessity in owning a MacBook Pro when my iBook is still breathing (...) and alive, albeit some hardware problems which will be troublesome at times of desperate need. I actually considered getting a Windows netbook to complement Mac OS as a means to increase compatibility, but I had to hack the idea since I couldn't shake the notion of reverting to Windows. Besides, other family members are using Windows, so I'll have to even the numbers. Be the odd one out.

So as I type this entry using Avicenna II, I wonder if mankind's quest for gadgets will prove to be a never-ending and, ultimately, forever unfulfilling unless temporarily.

...Now I just need to get my PSP back working. The system crashed a couple of weeks ago, so I couldn't get started with Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep and even my Persona 3 Portable.

What's worse? Apparently Square Enix announced a new Final Fantasy title - FF Type 0, formerly planned to be FF Agito XIII - to be released in Japan this summer. Materialistic much? Or am I just unhealthily obsessed?

At Intervals

It has been days since I last blogged, and amazingly, I'm still relatively stable despite having little to no outlet to vent out.

May I begin with the fact that I'm very thankful that I no longer have to return to campus? Packing out was an abomination, but now with those things safely at home, unpacking is another serious business. It's utterly frustrating! The two big boxes were still full of things, and now I seriously wonder if I actually have too many clothes. There were those that I even forgot I owned them in the first place, and now my cupboard is practically overflowing with clothes...and headscarves. This basically means no shopping for clothes for these few months. (Unless it's really important, like buying clothings that need no ironing, because once work begins I wonder if I'll have the time for ironing or other basic activities of daily living...)

The annual grand dinner went well, and the choral speaking was fun to do. Great stuff, and I love the door-gifts!

The five-day-vacation to Perth was, in general, excellent. I love the weather (winter, oh yeah!!) and the general environment there was calm. It's very neat, how civilised they are, with relatively little litters on the ground. And the people there were nicer too, in general. Pity we didn't shop much though (darn you, currency exchange!), but the museum trips were great. An educational vacation, I should say. And somewhere along the way I developed this unhealthy obsession with koalas...

Went out with the old clique from primary school. It has been a long time since I met them, and now that I'm out of university, it finally feels that I'm _somewhere_, you know?

So I was asked what I'll be doing before I start getting posted to work. Probably bask in the luxury of doing nothing, I had answered (Squeeze in there somewhere a feeble attempt at suturing, I guess? Tsk self, tsk!). I do know that I need to catch up with some anime titles that I've been putting off, but now most of my anime collection has been packed in boxes in my mother's enthusiasm to spring clean, so that means I'll have to go on an exploration to search for them. More unpacking is at hand here, it seems.

Regardless, boredom is imminent. I should go out window shopping or something - just so I will not regress to becoming a socially awkward hikikomori. The current state of my social health is bad enough as it is...


Current Music: Written in The Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner

Painfully Honest

So tired. Is this what 'burnout' feels like?

Things could be worse, though. I see the present as an exercise, a preparation for a potentially worse(?) future.

I asked myself a question once. A question that stemmed out of all the frustration that had been caged in me, the million dollar (possibly more) question that I fearfully realised that I had no answer to.

"Are you really happy?"

I stunned myself silence for several minutes, and then I was almost aware of the gush of blood that rushed through my cerebral circulation in an attempt for an honest response. Palpitations shook my heart against the ribs, and it felt as if I was given into tremors. The only sound I heard then was the sound of the fan above me, all noise but not as much efficient as I would like it to be.

Truth is unbearably bitter.

Then it dawned on me, as slowly as the rising sun but by no means as magnificent or illuminating: "Either way, you won't be happy. There'll always be something."

But Reason - wherever it exists within my person - was in time to reach out to me with a retort: "You're happiest as you are right now. Maybe not in the way it is normally believed what 'happiness' represents to the general population, but there is certainly no reason to believe that He has forsaken you."

Because some bits of my past are a testament to that - that God Works in miraculous ways; ways that one could never have imagined.

Perhaps happiness is when one doesn't compromise temporary joys to those that really, really matter. Saying things like "in the end, it doesn't really matter" really strains one own person in many different ways.

One thing is for sure: Resentment is like a cancer. It eats you up and leaves you worse for wear.

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Lest We Forget

"Sungguh, Allah tidak akan menzalimi seseorang walaupun sebesar zarah, dan jika ada kebajikan (sekecil zarah), nescaya Allah akan melipat gandakannya dan memberikan pahala yang besar dari sisi-Nya" (4:40)

"Dan orang yang beriman serta mengerjakan kebajikan, Kami tidak akan membebani seseorang melainkan menurut kesanggupannya. Mereka itulah penghuni syurga; mereka kekal di dalamnya" (7:42)

It's something that, despite our encounter day in and day out, we can't seem to hold on to staunchly. Because it's always easier to see yourself as a victim instead of one who's given the chance by Him to improve yourself.

...On a lighter note, BBC will be airing their new series - Sherlock - this Sunday. Do want! And why is it that good shows that I'm dying to watch are popping up when I have more important things to attend to!?

Modern day Sherlock Holmes. I personally prefer the Victorian era but no matter.

And moustache-less!Watson will need some time getting used to...

Out for Blood

My choice in literature is simple: Give me a good mystery, preferably murder, and tell it in a good way. Bonus points if there are puzzles that have double meanings and have some reference rooted in history. (And I was not impressed by The Woman in White, although I lost sleep over the book because I couldn't put the book down owing to the sentiment running along the lines of "Good God, will you just end and release me from this torture?!")

But the current fad is - wait for it - vampires. Those blood-sucking undead with (close to) human faces and fangs that elongate when necessary.

And yes, while I do not see vampires as my cup of tea, allow me to say this: I want my vampire stories to have essence, at least one credible plotline, and characters that are fleshed out well and don't make me feel like I'm reading some self-fulfillment fantasies of an abysmal kind of writer who don't deserve to get her/his book published in the first place.

Do I need to mention the title, the so-called saga? I think not. Some people will be out for my blood...and as if I don't have enough social life at stake here...

Another confession: I have never read Bram Stoker's Dracula before. I do know a bit on the person he was based on - Vlad Tepes a.k.a. Vlad the Impaler, a sadistic prince from Romania who took pleasure in dining in his garden among his victims impaled on sticks, like a forest of bodies. The closest(?) vampire book that I read was Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. I read that thick book in the dead of the night while my roommates were asleep, and I got goosebumps. But I did finish it after several months, and while the plot was relatively unremarkable and the writing occasionally deteriorated to mundane description of landscapes, at least the vampires there had no qualms about attacking people to achieve their ends. Did it feel like some sort of a history lesson? Yes, but at least it wasn't as bad as our secondary school syllabus.

And Vampire Knight just didn't strike a chord even after I gave it the three-episodes-trial. The humour fell flat, and some things were just too unbelievable to take seriously.

Despite my lack of affinity with the supernatural beings (be it fiction or in real life, let's pray it'll stay that way!), already I have two vampire-related stories to check out:

(1) Shiki
It's the most anticipated series for the summer season, and will be a long series at over 20 episodes. Hope it's not anything like Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, because that one I couldn't tolerate although it was deemed as one of the best horror series. Others deem it a must watch for those who liked Ghost Hound, a title which I've been wanting to see as well. Still, this will be only kept in view while I embark on an adventure that is the fifth year (gasp!) because I discovered with Durarara!! that it is more fun marathon-ing the episodes rather than wait weekly.

To be honest, the character design irks me somewhat. Does the pointy chin serve any purpose beyond aesthetics?

(2) Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
A new novel. Yes, Lincoln as in one of the past presidents of the US. Yes, he hunted vampires. Yes, it's a work of fiction.
...I'll just wait for a paperback version.

Yes, I am aware that I have better things to read. Thank God Durarara!! and Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood are over.

...Until some other anime comes along. And one is already upon me. Begone, temptation!


----------------
Now playing: OneRepublic - Secrets
via FoxyTunes

Now and Then, Here and There

"Si jeunesse savoit; si viellesse pouvoit"
If only youth had the knowledge; if only age had the strength ~ Henri Estienne

Sometimes we hear the laments of the older adults about how the youngsters nowadays have fallen from grace. This standard that the former uses would be "their younger days".

Then the youngsters would argue with "Time changes things! Things ain't what they used to be anymore!"

Rinse and repeat until
A) both parties agree to disagree
B) one side chickens out
C) the debate gets more physical
D) all of the above, in no definite order

There is some merit in both. Things are no longer as good as the olden days - I usually phrase this as "when the sky was still blue and the grass greener" - and the world today is a different place to live in compared to, say, thirty years ago. We can hardly blame the elders for their stand - how many times have you yourself frowned upon the idiocy and mischief those younger than yourself were up to?


Sure, some things come with age - responsibilities, maturity, wisdom, driving license and the realisation that the world is not only a bed of roses but the thorns are very much real. But that's not what this post is about.

It's how the younger generation are getting more and more daring at a younger age. Primary schoolchildren getting acquainted with cigarettes. Teenagers experimenting on sexual behaviours. Illegal racing. Drugs and gambling. Women and men alike having no shame of parading every inch of their body for others to worship with their lustful eyes and erotic touches. Adultery seen as something normal. Single parenthood is as common as the traditional idea of parenthood. It's the collapse of the basic institution in a society - which spells eventual doom of the latter.

The problem with this risk-taking behaviour is that it is practised at the wrong place, wrong time, wrong situation.

Perhaps it has something to do with the wrong escape route.

Consider for a moment: when we pursue material enjoyments, our reasonings more often than not revolve around this elementary excuse of "to de-stress". In the olden days, things were harsher - everywhere people laboured, parents were generally stricter, kids rarely sought for entertainment. When they did, their form of amusements were basic, using everyday items like slippers, rubber-bands joined to form a skipping rope, and coconut leaves. They didn't have much of an escape, so they faced their hardships with valour and they prospered in the end when they conquered their difficulties.

So they may have a right to brag after all. And, while they're at it, dismiss our generation as having been pampered, causing us to become weaklings who only complain when things don't go the way we want them to.

In contrast, our escape routes are plenty. Too many to choose from, that even if we can successfully overcome the temptation of one, there is no guarantee that we can survive the next. Nothing good on TV? Switch on the PlayStation or XboX. Bored of the console? There's the Internet. From there...my God, the destinations are innumerable. Practically everything can be found there, with the help of a good search engine.

These temptations beckon us to choose escape routes over facing and looking at our problems in the eye. It's not like one of those shounen anime subplots that require the hero or his posse to go on a journey in search of his/their potential to become stronger, to defeat the current villain. No, this is running away like a coward because one is too afraid of the prospect of getting hurt, failure, or the notion of leaving everything including comfort behind.

In other words, afraid of hardships.

So we run away, abandoning the chance to develop ourselves. As a result, we are accused of being pampered.

We retaliate, then we are labelled as rebels.

...There's just no end to this, is there?

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Now playing: Gackt - 哀戦士
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Title or post is in no other way related to the Now and Then, Here and There anime.

Intermission #8

Aaand...we're back to having uncreative titles. *headdesk*

1. Dear mind, stop being irrational. For God's sake please stay relevant to our current task. Kthx.

2. Something is so wrong. It calls for reformation, but something is holding it back...
So much for "History being the best teacher"; In the end it depends on one's own discipline and memory.

3. At times even having options would prove to be puzzling. It's like the more alternatives we have at our disposal, the greater the stress in figuring out which of them would be the best choice to go for...
Or maybe that's just me.

4. Maybe I'm just so deprived from my anime kicks that I'm starting to _not_ make sense. And here I thought I'd finally be able to move on for good...


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Now playing: Savage Garden - The Animal Song
via FoxyTunes

Compilations #6

1. With the first week of Ophthalmology in the past, things are heating up. Clinic day on Monday, and already I'm anticipating the worst. Best thing to prevent this would be to prepare myself with facts and knowledge...
Good thing that yesterday's presentations were over with. Now to get down to proper studying...

2. Call me unwise, but I've managed to procure yet another novel - David Hewson's Dante's Numbers - to satisfy my thirst for fiction. At the rate I'm going, I would be able to establish some sort of a library or something...
And The Alienist is beautiful. I'm not even halfway done, but God, it's so worth the money I put into!

3. I do read something else than mystery/murder novels, of course. Motivational books I like as well (Never mind that I was somewhat offended when a salesperson suggested that I checked out another rack of motivational books, but that is irrelevant), although quite few of them are well-written enough for me to appreciate - or for them to give an impact that it'd actually manage to change my life in some way. But I do like Dale Carnegie's works.
In summary of what I've read so far: We worry because we are confused. We are confused because we don't have enough facts. We don't have enough facts because those that we have collected are inadequate, influenced perhaps by emotions and our own biases.
As said by Thomas Edison, "There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the labour of thinking".
And, by Andre Maurois, "Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not puts us into a rage".

Beautiful, and true.

The lesson? If I want to survive in this challenging world of medicine, for God's sake be objective.

Current Music: So Beautiful - Darren Hayes

P/s: ...Perhaps being busy in Ophthalmology has one advantage. I quote: The worried person must lose himself in action, lest he wither in despair.
Anyhow, here's a link for anyone who's up for online Ophthalmology reading. Or even this, I guess.

P/p/s: If I'm not updating this blog regularly, it's because I'm busy with another pseudoblog, i.e. Ophthalmology's e-logbook.

P/p/p/s: What is this sudden infatuation with Savage Garden!? Not too long ago it was with OneRepublic...Tsk tsk.

Laments of A Semi-Otaku

Warning: Emo-rage ahead.

I think my days as a semi-Otaku are numbered.

The sort of anime released recently have been, by my standards, average. Most have been adaptations from visual novels and eroge. While Suzumiya Haruhi, an example of the former, has been a worldwide phenomenon - for what reason, other than Kyon, I fail to comprehend - others have been so-so.

Taking example from the Autumn selection, my general impression would be cringe-worthy.

Very few made me intrigued that I went into research mode, like Darker than Black: Ryuusei no Gemini, Kobato., Tatakau Shisho: Book of Bantorra, and Aoi Bungaku. Some tried to entice with a very dim light of hope, such as Seiken no Blacksmith (...what is up with that armour!?), Fairy Tail (Hirano Aya makes me go "...meh"), Letter Bee (what's with the loli?), Kimi ni Todoke (This turned out to be a pleasant experience), and 11eyes. Others made me rage (Miracle Train...what were they _thinking_, those sexist imbeciles!?), because they only relied on ridiculous excuse for a plot, cheap fanservice - abnormal anatomical proportions, indecent exposure, inappropriate camera angles - harems, and...females getting it on.

Really now. That's how I was reduced to an anime blog reader rather than an anime watcher.

Still, as I roamed around several anime blogs, it came as a nice surprise to see that the new Winter Anime list is already up.

Am eyeing for Durarara!!, Katanagatari, Nodame Cantabile Finale and Okami Kakushi. Some of the animebloggers said that the selection is more of a "quality over quantity" issue...Which may be good. It will allow me time to backtrack, to watch those that I've missed or had no time for before this.

Oh well. There's always manga.

As a side note, Sakura, I mean, Kishimoto, stop messing up with the plot already!! As if Itachi's death isn't good enough as a plot twist...I really should stay away from Naruto...

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - Thanks For The Memories
via FoxyTunes

P/s: ...Will probably end up buying those Autumn anime that I wanted to check out. It's too much of a hassle to download or stream...

P/p/s: No, don't end, my break!! I don't want to start Ortho... *headdesk*