Overload

"The only dream worth having, I told her, is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead. [Which means:] To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget." - Arundhati Roy

It's getting uglier. So ugly it's repulsive, it's blasphemy.

What on God's Earth is wrong with...every single thing!? Why are utter morons holding the strings, the baton to the orchestra? Why can't some people just act their age already?

Why is it that most people appear so selfish it's just so inhumane? (...Myself notwithstanding? Really? Oh dear...) I used to think that the only thing that is limitless in a person is his or her dreams - perhaps now I may add 'ego' to that list?

Why do people no longer respond to kindness with kindness too? Why is it that people's good will gets manipulated out of context only too easily? Why is it that lies always seem to prevail over truth? Why does it feel as if our lives are being controlled by capitalists and corruption?

Is everything a mere fabrication, a veil to blind?

Is this how humanity spirals down to destruction? Are we already in the final chapter, or are things just getting started?

One thing I'm quite certain of - I'm so sick of all this bull.

Current Music: What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

Intermission #20

So tired, that I can't even think of a proper title for this entry. Pfft.

Sleeping schedule is screwed haywire, and my energy is depleting at an alarming rate that by the time the day ends all I want is to return to familiar territory and just let go, even though I know extremely well that time is not exactly on my side...

But I suppose the most important things are that (a) I do enjoy the posting so far, and (b) I'm learning things.

It's good to have achievable goals, at any rate. An idealist still needs to return to Earth and back to reality, after all - lest one develops psychosis upon failure to do so.

At least there are fewer things that bug me for now...at least, in terms of numbers, but definitely not in term of magnitude (zomg-major-exams-soon-omg!!!111).

But people do strange things when they lost control of themselves. Some people ingest things they'll probably regret later on (if they ever regain their senses, that is), other people channel their bad moods into more productive outcomes, while I...I blog, I suppose. It helps me to feel closer to myself, realising that I'm still in touch with me despite my inability to comprehend others. Because I've realised it's futile to expect too much from people - sometimes it suffocates me, other times it leaves me miserable.

I'm over-thinking things again. No wonder I get so tired so easily.

Making sense of things is hard. But trying to respond to things without them being scrutinised and judged...I'd say that is harder. Maybe some things are just not meant to make _any_ sense in the first place...

But what am I supposed to do when I can't even accept them, and yet rejection is akin to rejecting reality itself?

Current Music: Kimi no Kirei ni Kizuiteokure -  Sambomaster

P/s: Desperate people do desperate things at desperate times for desperate reasons. It seems that it's getting more and more difficult to escape the clutches of the Net, what with my perpetual blog-writing and visiting, Tumblr and...a certain other social network site (No, it ain't Facebook - I'm kind of over it by now...).
And it goes on and on and on...

Detachment

To separate the brain from the heart

thinking from feeling

deduction from guesswork

logic from emotions

aims from hopes

facts from fiction

ideas from hunches

insights from instincts

wisdom from idiocy

need from lust

perspective from wishful thinking

will it disinter the strong

and entomb the weak,

living in us?

deny humanity,

repudiate our assets?

misuse our ability?

condescend our rank

to that of mere machines?

For in the end,

where will imagination be

wither will belief stand

will sympathy be ensconced

will there be a breath of inspiration

a flow of creativity

a second of euphoria

can we withstand

living in a milieu of destitude

living without a life?

For in the end,

to separate the brain from the heart

a move no different from

the physical divorcing the spiritual

the body isolating the soul.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2004.

Yes, you read that right. 2004. I dug this up from my old collection and decided that it deserves a better home.


Current Music: White Eyes - Gackt Camui

Gaia

They came again, this time bigger and badder than ever; the devastating earthquake-tsunami combo.

This time, they hit Japan.

That's how Nature reminds us how she can just snap and shows us mere humans that she could be overpowering once she powers up and starts being unpredictable, while God Reminds us that we are still tiny, tiny specks of living things that should not get too full of ourselves, and to always remember who we are, where we come from and where we will undeniably go from here.

Also, never forget to be thankful for what we have. I'll just leave this here for your perusal.

Current Music: Last Song - Gackt Camui

Just the Way Things are

Royally screwed beyond redemption, but things didn't get worse - thank God for that! That is a one-line summary of how my Psychiatry clinical exam went.

Perhaps I was destined to screw up from the beginning. The moment the patient walked into the room, I had a temporary lapse of thinking. As if my thoughts were taken over by a void so empty, so dark, and it swallowed me whole.

But somehow I pulled myself back out of that hellhole, only to fall back into it around ten minutes later.

And when the patient started crying in front of me, I figured I was doomed.

The history that I got was so pathetically scant that I almost felt embarrassed to present. So my diagnosis, I based on the Mental State Examination rather than the history.

Do I blame the patient? At one point, yes, and I'm not even embarrassed to admit this. I'd say it was human to be in despair, given my state at the time, and really...did I have any choice in the first place?

Do I feel regret for not knowing the case even though she has been warded since two weeks ago? Not really, no. Regretting would mean blaming myself - and blaming my fate, I suppose - so that's the last thing I need for now.

Maybe life'll be easier to tread on when you just find within you, that willingness to accept whatever God has Given you.

I just wonder if my 'acceptance' appears to be more of 'forlorn'.

Maybe it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.


Current Music: Main Theme - Zombie Loan OST 

P/s: I'm still sad that Psychiatry is over, although frankly, it's probably more than I can take...