Calm Before the Storm

Time-out.

A short break.

Pulling the brakes before heading - headfirst - into a new posting. Fifth posting. Obs & Gynae. This Sunday.

I am overwhelmed, though not in a positive sense of the word.

God, how I wish I have long finished this phase of working. I'm sick of working in an ancient hellhole with idiots running, administrating the place.

Too bloody long.

Would I say I am a more knowledgeable person now than, say, the fresh medical graduate of yore?

Hardly.

And here I am, wondering how on earth is it possible that I can think of everything and nothing, all at the same darn time.

Current Music: I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift

Desiderata

Desiderata (L.) - desired things

With what little time I do have to spare after a hard day's work, is it any wonder that my brain refuses to embark in any further ruminating? And naturally my words will not write themselves, as all I yearn to do these days is to succumb to my lethargy and let my dreams take over.

But I must refrain from talking about work. Because my life is more than that, yes. And because I shouldn't be thinking about work on an off-day.

...My attention capacity is at a worrying level. I can't even finish a chapter properly, what more a book. And yet I still find myself handing over the cash to purchase another book. As I clutch the item close to my person, my mind wonders if this time will be any different from the last time I lost myself in a bookstore.

Whatever the response to that question may be, it ends with my forsaking that thought - because honestly, habits die hard - and praying to God that my self-control will eventually triumph over this materialistic want.

And so I peek into my purse, sigh into it, and chucked it into my bag and walk away, pushing whatever regret I may have into the back of my mind, until it reappears like a sceptre the next time I repeat this folly.

Shopaholic in the making? Goodness, I hope not.

Also, the number of pants that I have now is dangerously close to the number of skirts I already have. Which is worrying, considering that - if you knew me at all - I have never been a pants kind of a person.

Until recently, I suppose. Because there is no way on God's Earth can you wear a skirt or baju kurung and perform CPR without appearing...undignified.

Current Music: Call It What You Want - Foster the People

Kotoba

Words are powerful.

Could this little fact, perhaps, be the reason why I immerse myself in linguistics and writing?

They say rumour spreads faster than a bushfire (...or something to that effect?). But what, pray tell, are words when they may not even represent the situation?

Maybe people see what I fail - or deny myself - to see.

Maybe people just jump too easily to conclusions.

Or maybe the simple fact remains: people just love to talk about people, whatever the topic may be.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

I Can't Even

1. I...think there is something very, very wrong with my attention span these days. It'd better be remedied before I start working, for the benefit of all involved.

Am I scared to make the leap? To finally be one of the working class? For sure I am, although to be honest that it has always been something that the younger me were looking forward to.

It's like a whole new life to lead, a new identity to don. No more living for oneself, and we have no choice but to be thrown into the unpredictable, the uncontrollable.

It's times like these that we realise how small we are.

2. As a side note, Oscar Wilde once declared "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life" in his essay, The Decay of Lying (1889).

Today we started baking Raya cookies; Our standard fare - Cornflake Cookies with Chocolate Chip. (Never mind that I had insisted that it's simply too early for that - because the mere presence of said cookies will threaten our dietary habits and put my pancreas in a difficult position - but I lost the debate because they figured out that they'll be short of manual labour once I start working...My plan has failed!) And...well, the outcome was disastrous.

Cue facial grimace.

Allow me to maintain that I only started on it when the damage was already done, but ignorant as we were, we pressed on. (This is not a situation to apply the old adage of "Ignorance is bliss")

Anyway, we wondered why the texture turned out wrong. They crumbled easily, and it was insanely dry. And it was tiresome just to roll the batch into their proper shapes prior to their voyage into the oven.

But we remained positive. (See what optimism can do to me!? It backfired!)

It came out morbidly salty. The sweetness of the chocolate chips was entirely wiped out. Suffice to say, it's not an experience I wish upon my worst of enemies. (Haha, really?)

"Apparently it was salt," said my brother.

"Salt?"

"Yeah. The usual container for sugar actually had salt in it..."

Pause. "You mean this actually happened in real life!?"

"You think it only happens in TV shows?" my mom said flatly.

And now, each time I pass through the kitchen, I can only stare at the biscuits in both dismay and frustration at the sheer waste of it all.

3. Why am I not too upset with the prospect of possibly having to work during 'Eid? I'm more distressed with the idea that I will be missing my weekly shows!

Current Music: Asterisk - Morita Masakazu (cover)

Intermission #26

I am impressed. There is a newly opened Apple Store in ECM, and one of the employees there actually answered my enquiries well.

Though the question remains - Why didn't they open sooner, and not now when I'm already done with Kuantan!?

Current Music: Oasis - Gackt Camui

Demarcation

To me, any revelation is always greeted by at least three different sentiments: some joy, some indifference, and mostly fear. Because knowledge is power, and sometimes power can be abused, other times to be feared.

I've figured out at least some part of the answer to my "meaning of life". Hold your horses before you yell out "God and religion, obviously! Wake up, woman!" to me, because I assure you, while you are not wrong (very not wrong, in fact!), I must remind you that I have an inherent ability to complicate things beyond your imagination.

And allow me to present to you my findings, as I see fit:

Blurry is the line

as I see those things

as I think of others

The world you see

A splash of colours, celebrating life

And yet to me

I see a range of gray

More dark than white

With occasional blind spots

They say "Never lose hope"

But I miff, bittered

By the past, by these wounds

Another say, "No expectations,

no disappointment"

Here I tremor,

Not in seeing the error

Of my ways or thinking,

But in anger.

"What, pray tell!"

I yearn to counter

"Tell me how the two differ?

You put your thinking in the future,

I put anticipication in mine"

And so they, enraged, rebuke,

"Nay, you put pessimism!"

"Again, my good people,

where do they differ?

where do you draw the line?

"To anticipate what could go wrong,

surely you need some dark clouds.

Yet you accuse me of pessimism,

loathing it as if it were poison.

And I, if I could,

would say that your optimism,

is just your delusions, your blindness

blanking out those you wish not to see,

your denial."

But no, I have not the will

And so I smile weakly,

praying that the weakness is not my will,

"Here, alas, we part ways,

we agree to disagree.

For our past differ so greatly,

we may never see eye to eye,

but I implore you, as I pray I shan't,

to never lose Respect."

----
(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011

Current Music: Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

Hopefully Not Just Hot Air...

Dear God, I apologise for being such an ingrate, but my headache, myalgia and lethargy are conspiring against me, that I soon find myself thinking about everything and then nothing then everything again, all in rapid succession, and I cannot keep up.
Perhaps the issue of global warming is one to reckon with. Here is a list as to how global warming is evil. Really evil. Seriously evil.

1. The heat enrages people.
2. Following the point above, people are more aggressive on the road, behind the wheels. Passengers are not exempt from this influence.
3. As a consequence of Point (2), accidents might happen. God Forbid! (Excuse me while I dedicate a moment of silence to Miyavi...)
4. The sun is too glaring, it blinds people - with rage, or while driving.
5. Point (3) also applies to Point (4).
6. My thermoregulatory centre cannot adjust to the extreme temperatures. One moment I'm in the library/OT shivering like whoa, and the next I'm right under the hot, unforgiving ball of fire we call the sun, struggling with a throbbing headache that signifies an imminent migraine, and perspiring to the extent that I fear getting dehydrated. My water bottle tries to help, but at times it fails too...
7. Sleep. Then again, we sleep in whatever weather - be it hot or cold. Human nature? Inherent laziness? The need to dream? Hmph.
8. The craving for something cold - which is oftentimes sweet as well. Specifically, ice cream. More specifically, Cornetto (I blame Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright for this...). Needless to say, my pancreas is not happy.
9. In relation to (8), I'm annoyed for having no fridge. Guhh.
10. Too hot, too uncomfortable, cannot study. *headdesk*

Current Music: That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain

This is, like, y'know, cool and stuff...

*cough* ...well, at least it is, by my standards, being a stickler for words and linguistics and the related. And I'm starting to be intrigued by this typography thing...ahh, the wonders of graphics and technology.




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Now playing: The Classic Crime - Sing
via FoxyTunes

P/s: ...I miss Miyavi so bad. *sigh*