In Which There are Too Many Maybe's

1. I haven't been well lately.

It has been one week of strenuous coughing & feverish episodes, I'm suspecting that I might be having pertussis. Last night I probably spent close to three hours coughing - dry, irritating cough - that I lost sleep. Today I was more on autopilot mode, and yet still managed to do my morning rounds. Luckily my MO was nice that she said she'd just read my notes rather than let me do the talking…

Still unwilling to take any cough syrup. Never been a fan of them since the start, to be honest. Already on the antibiotic azithromycin, only because the pharmacy is out of Augmentin and one MO said the bugs in my current paeds ward can only be killed by either Augmentin or azithromycin…

Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's all the germs that the patients brought with them to the ward. Or maybe it's something more…

2. I'm probably destined to be an outsider.

Maybe I'm not a good friend after all. I can't seem to make the sacrifices to actually hang out with them, mainly because of my busy schedule and hectic life and, most of all, the distance.

Maybe my introspectiveness and weak stamina should be blamed as well. Or maybe I'm just not caring or selfless enough…

3. It's tiring for me to follow others' paces all the time. But it's even more hurtful when my timing is off and I get a forced response.

Sometimes I think it's just not fair.

4. I miss having people to chat with.

So yeah, I am missing my university days. At least we were there, in one place, free to hang out and laugh together and share ice creams and watch movies and stuff. Sometimes we would celebrate birthdays and, just for the heck of it, drive around town even though there was nothing worth seeing.

I miss the philosophical talks. Despite my preference for writing, I find it easier and more fulfilling to converse face to face with people. I get to analyse the tone of the voice, the body language, the speed of response...the kind of things that you don't get just from texting or phone calls or even online chats.

Maybe I'm just not good with people. My colleagues at the ward are just that - colleagues. Our shift ends, we go off in our separate ways, and we won't talk or text much unless it's directly work-related.

So maybe I do enjoy going to work - to some extent.

…So what is it that is holding me back, keeping me away?

5. Am I the only one suffering here?

Would the knowledge change anything between us? What would it take for you to summon the courage and take the plunge?

Am I forever destined to be chasing that which is not meant for me? As well as running away from those that I deem as hazards?

In Denial...Sort of

My mother had, every so often, encouraged me to pursue writing as a secondary career, knowing very well how I enjoy writing and how the local literary field is in dire need for better reading materials. Regardless, it's an idea that I myself have entertained every so often...but never actually got around to penning it down.

She suggested that I write something based on my working experience...

...And I have a feeling that if I ever wrote it down, the novel will be entitled "I'm not Jonah".

See, apparently they have this superstitious(?) belief at the hospital, whereby anytime someone who's already a known case of "Jonah" is at work, then plenty of admission is likely. I have, many a time, insisted that I'm not Jonah, and that it actually depends on the MO who is oncall at the same time as I am.

Until today, during which when I called my MO (an awesome one, if I may say so!) to ask about a case, he actually asked, "Eh, kenapa you sibuk sangat hari ni?".

That was after the fifth case in the Emergency Department. So far I've seen seven this day alone...And even the Medical Assistants and the MOs at ED were chuckling when I came to ED to review the cases that they referred to me.

Maybe it's payback for a relatively easy day yesterday, which was fortunate, as I was indisposed for a great deal of the afternoon, feeling under the weather such that they put me on an IV drip. Yes, I have newfound respect for patients who are able to calmly wait on their beds for their drips/antibiotics to finish, staring at the drops that signify the passing time, much like an hourglass...

God, please let my oncall finish soon. I'm starting to have phobia towards my own mobile phone...

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Detrimental

As I go on in this working life, it's inevitable that I get exposed to - and am being forced to reckon with - various human traits that simply defies any simple classification. Mind you, not only from the patients and their relatives, but also from my peers and my superiors (whom I still can't call "Boss"...tsk tsk much?).

One thing that I always try to avoid is talking bad about people. It's not something I like to be done to me, but I suppose nobody can really stop people from talking, yeah? I try to avoid any conflict, and even try to avoid being roped into being a spectator for one. So imagine when someone commented about another's bad attitude/behaviour/etc to me? I just sighed and forced an understanding smile, trying to push out the thought if anyone actually said the same thing about me...and just went ahead with my work.

...Which makes me wonder why people accuse _me_ of being overly negative. Or does the fault lie with me for making myself vulnerable to unfair accusations from people? With all due respect, though, I believe I still have the right to let out some steam whenever I reach the limit. I guess that's why people complain after all? So I too should be able to complain when I absolutely feel like it...

And that pacifist voice in me? The voice is getting slower and slower with each passing day, as my patience grows thinner and my temper fuelling up.

It's ugly. It's ironic, how this supposedly noble profession is very much tainted. It's not all sparkles and glory. I guess whenever people are involved, the equation will always turn out to be more complicated to be understood, to be solved.

When I opt for silence - most of the time probably out of uncertainty on how to response rather than "I shall not dignify your remarks/jokes with an answer" - people say I'm in one of my mood swings. Excuse my saying this, but...what the hell?!

Isn't it ironic if it turns out that my profession of saving lives will be the exact thing that turned out to be, God Forbid, the death of me? I mean, all the stress and negative energy that I've accumulated (ever since med school itself?) must be putting a strain on my body and my general health...

Current Music: Hold Me - Savage Garden

Intermission #29

1. So. Last day of tagging tomorrow...and I seriously can't tell if I'm excited or not. I mean, being off-tag means that I'm officially holding (greater) responsibilities, yes? And honestly - I doubt that I am prepared to handle what might come my way.

Also...I don't know if it's a curse or something, but my facial muscles have this inherent tendency to...expose my stress, however small it may be. And when people start asking why do I look so stressed out when Ortho is considered nothing compared to, say, Medical posting, I really have no idea what to say in response. Is it out of habit? It's times like this that I pray for some sort of a poker face to wear...

But I suppose some things never change, yes? I mean, people don't seem to take me seriously when I want them to - don't get me wrong, I don't mind humouring people, but there's a limit to everything, yes? - and they like to tease me. I'm afraid that one day I might misunderstand (...) and actually snap, because everyone deserves some degree of respect...

2. Have I started to lose weight lately? I haven't measured my weight since some time...but I should, right? I'm not even eating well - my breakfast consists of a small chocolate bar, followed by a mug of Nescafe after the morning round, while my dinner is taken on an EOD basis. Call me ungrateful, but methinks the hospital cafe should hire better cooks...

Also, the fact that they can't even make decent Nescafe - unforgivable!

3. Why do we invest in the uncertain, when we have bigger goals to aim for?

Current Music: Written in The Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner
 

Intermission #23

Note to self: When people say 'global' as in 'global warming', it really means "There's no escape for you, only despair!"

And here I was hoping to avoid the infernal heat back on campus, only to be greeted by the exact replica back in my own hometown. What on Earth!? So now I'm sick with a bad case of upper respiratory tract infection, and I'm aching all over. For some reason my sinusitis is worse in hot weather...

...This little fact should be some sort of a motivation for me. As in, study hard -> good results -> do Masters overseas -> cooler weather.

Ah, I dream nonetheless.

...study, woman, STUDY!!!11 How's about channeling all the thinking energy to issues that really matter for a   change?

Intermission #17

"If you think things can't get any worse, you have no imagination" ~ Sean Keogh

Let's get this straight.

I've seen both ends of the spectrum - patients with major depressive disorder and those with bipolar disorder. And when they're unstable, the first group managed to, somehow, made me feel depressed secondary to their depression while the second group made me feel irritated with their irritability and/or grandiosity.

Let's not even go into how I feel about schizophrenic patients. Do I still feel paranoid about being in the vicinity? Not so.

...I'm pretty sure I'm not judging them, because everyone hates to be judged - but people do it all the same.

What I mean to say is this: I don't want to end up like any of those cases...but the future is hard to tell when even the present is murky.

What does one do, when one is too tired to dream, too tired to hope, too weakened to fight back?

Current Music: Raise Your Glass - Pink

P/s: Accidentally turned out sounding more pessimistic than intended. Whoops?
...Old habits die hard. Dear God.

Onus

Onus - (L.) accountability/responsibility;
1. A duty or responsibility that is a source of anxiety, worry, or hardship
2. A mark of discredit or disgrace
3. Responsibility for an error or crime

I know I'm not supposed to blog as much as before, with the little time we have before that fateful day we call our Final Professional Examinations, scheduled to be on May 23, 2011.

But it's hard to deny what is essential our identity. To change what one is already too accustomed to, to change one's own rhythm. Such is the power of habits; so difficult to break.

So taxing is the change on my psyche that I succumbed to an illness - a minor one, but an illness all the same - within the span of 24 hours. Perhaps, God Willing, I'll still be able to attend class tomorrow, as long as this malaise resolves and my energy returns to my veins.

Sometimes it's just much easier when you have no other choice. It's "You have to do this!" all the way, without any room for a "Maybe".

It's the same with Medicine. Quoting Dr. S one week ago, since we are presently fifth years, we are "no longer juvenile". In other words, there is no excuse to screw up.

Compare that to Dr. A's "Now's the time to make mistakes. The only time you're not given such liberty is during the exams".

I personally am more inclined to the second school of thought. But the first is correct too - as long as one's basics are sound, then one should be all right.

...Honestly, God deserves more Faith to be put in Him. More than we could ever possibly give.


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Now playing: ROOKiEZ is PUNK'D - Complication
via FoxyTunes

Orthopaedics: Final Impressions

Because the mind - mine, at least - is rarely as idle as the physical body, it is only now I can put my thoughts on this virtual paper, mainly on Orthopaedics as a whole. Partly also because a few others have done the same, and there is no harm in jumping on the bandwagon...

So. MCQ was like a migraine attack, One Best Answer some sort of retribution, PMP was a breath of rather suffocating air, clinical exams was...is there a single English word or expression that incorporates the notion of what-have-I-learnt-all-this-while-oh-God-is-there-no-hope-for-me-at-all?

If anything, the finals had made me doubt whatever beads of knowledge that I have gathered during the course of this posting. Practically everything, from the site of pin insertion for skeletal traction, the antibiotic regime, and if I belong where I am.

But! One of the beauties of medicine is that we more often than not learn more than what is enumerated in the syllabus. It's not just about the disease - one must always treat the patient as a whole.

The ward is a good place to observe human behaviour, be it patients, visitors, doctors and fellow peers. When one is ill, that's when one either puts down all his or her defenses and pretences, and resolves to whatever solution - although the aptness of said solution may be subjected to debate *cough* - that guarantees escape from the predicament...which actually includes utter despair and surrender to whatever Fate has in store. Upon the infliction of pain, some would have no qualms to simply throw one's sense of self-reserve; others might even view this an opportunity throw their weight around.

And yet it is this same problem that can bring out the worst in people. I suppose in that aspect one would be forgiven in thinking that being in the wards would be no different from, say, driving on the road.

Yes, the wards, where one can see a spectrum of human behaviour, from the very good to the unbelievably bad.

More beyond this field of vision »

Come and Go

Some come while others go. Similarly like the passing time - when the present is here, the past is left behind, and future slips in eventually.

In other words: With Ramadhan leaving us and the arrival of Syawal, Happy 'Eid, people. My sincere apologies for my mistakes, deliberate ones or no. May God bless y'all.

Short entry is short - for a very good reason. Am probably going to turn in early, in preparation for a busy and hectic(?) day tomorrow.

Note to self: Go easy on the food...because some of them are a big no-no for very good reasons...

Current Music: Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas

Family Medicine: First(?) Impressions

Perhaps it is not too late to have first impressions in the second week into the posting.

1. It has a certain warm feeling to it. I suppose it should, since we _are_ talking about patient-centred approach.

2. No thanks to H1N1, the number of our field visits will likely be reduced. This doesn't stop the Community Medicine group from their Ulu Tembeling trip...

3. Thanks to H1N1, we're presented with how the public health people deal with such pandemic. The polyclinic I was posted in was crowded with so many people coming with Influenza-like Illness. Notwithstanding, chronic cases like Diabetes Mellitus & Hypertension were (are?) aplenty...

4. Patient's compliance? With some people, you'll have more luck making rocks bleed.

5. Role-play. Summary: I've too much formality and no empathy. Tsk.

6. Today's geriatric visit in Dungun. Maybe it is a misnomer, since there were a handful of those whom you might not regard as elderly...
Suffice to say, it opened my eyes - that those unfortunate are not few in numbers. So really, we have every reason to be thankful with what we already owned...
Bukit Besi was a nice place to stop for our side-programme. Now I see why there are those who enjoy photography so much...

7. Am presently contemplating whether I should return home for the weekend or not, since it's one weekend in which Saturday will be free from any class...

8. ...Internet connection, why so unreliable!?

Current Music: Smile Ichiban Ii Onna - An Cafe

On that Intangibly Thin Ice

One example of the things that have been bothering me since we started our Introduction to Psychiatry, is how the range of normality can be all too microscopic.

Too happy, you're labelled as a manic. Too depressed, they'll be diagnosing you as having major depressive disorder. Too crazy, you're deemed psychotic (God Forbid!) and you'll be strapped tightly and will be on your merry way to the nearest psychiatric ward, free of charge. Not crazy enough, and they'll give you "neurosis" or some other disorders.
Because we are human beings, generally speaking, our emotions and moods fluctuate. Fluctuate too much, we'll get cyclothymia. Swing too far into both of the extremes, that's bipolar. Zero emotions? Blunting or flattening of mood.

Roughly two years ago, I'd admit without a second thought that I absolutely adore Psychology. Ask me now, and I'm not sure if I can say that I like Psychiatry with much fervour anymore.

Maybe it's because I simply prefer learning the theories in the pre-clinical years than the practical aspect we're made to perform starting our third year in med school.

Maybe it's the fear of seeing psychiatric patients in the flesh and standing within their reach. Maybe it's the tons of different criteria to remember for different disorders and diseases. Maybe it's how things may, at times, appear to be far too subjective for one to derive proper diagnoses and conclusions. Maybe it's the discomfort of knowing that the lecturers in the department might be picking up some personal quirks and finding them rather suggestive of certain disorders, and then arranging some psychiatric help before one could become aware much less protest against.

...Or, maybe, it's the utter devastation of knowing that there is some probability of falling headfirst into the dark and endless chasm of instability, knowing how close one is to the edge, what with a myriad of unhealthy and possibly disturbing notions already toying with one's mind and bent on crushing one's self-control.

Current Music: Battlefield - Jordin Sparks

Here and There

Am presently home. Am not looking forward to going to campus tomorrow evening. Who actually does, anyway? The weekend feels too short, shorter than usual...

...Shall I say that I need to come home a bit more often? A change of air is always good. Just what a doctor would order, yes? Tsk.

Have been having tonsillopharyngitis more often lately. Shall I blame it on pollution? Or on global warming? (Due to some odd pathophysiologic response, I would sneeze more in hot environments compared to cold ones...) But announcing this little fact out loud may be unwise...With the H1N1 out wrecking havoc around, some people who I am not too keen to meet might be out to get me as well, to lock me up in isolation in the name of quarantine...Heaven forbid.
Sigh. Feeling under the weather when I'm supposed to be savouring my time at home really takes the cake.

Internet connection at home is giving me headaches.

...It's hard to believe that next week is my seventh week in Surgical posting, and yet it doesn't feel like I've learnt much. Don't get me wrong - I do like surgery although the uni's OT get-up is seriously giving "tasteless, hideously ugly" a whole new meaning but less stress and less stringent rulings upon us poor souls would be really cool and helpful.

...The sufferings are different from what Paediatrics had offered me back then. Oh heck, all four postings have different sets of sufferings in store...

Nonetheless, there's no other way to go other than forward.

Current Music: Kekkonshiki no Uta - Miyavi

Stitches

Had an episiotomy workshop today. Suffice to say, I developed a newfound respect for tailors worldwide...
...and I doubt I can ever make it as a surgeon. Still, who knows what the future holds?
A friend - classmate, in fact - asked me why didn't I take up office work instead. To which I responded with, "Because I don't like paperwork, and I'd rather work on people."
Notice the words "work on people" instead of a more amiable "work with people".
...I'll touch on this later. Don't know when, but definitely not now.

I seriously need time for myself. All the sugar I've been taking in does not seem to work in mending my mood, and my headache's pretty unbearable.
I just don't want to see some people for awhile.
Of course I realise that I'm asking for something that's impossible.
I need more strength this time around. Previously, while I was still in IM, most of my energy went to my task of adapting to the new environment and accepting that I have, to some extent, changed...in aspects that I myself found it hard to tolerate. Currently, the energy should be mobilised to enduring the stressful environment (created by some people who are notoriously hard to work with!) and struggling with all the hassles and competitions and tiring tasks.
...I found myself questioning whether I was really tailored for this profession more than ever. It's obviously not in my genes, so what is pushing me forward?
The cognisance that it's too late - and too rueful - for me to turn back alone is not enough.

Current Music: Saving Me - Nickelback

More Freewriting

1. The irony of it all.

I remember the irrepressible longing to do other things when I was supposed to be studying during the study week (or, more accurately, any free time I had during which I was supposed to allocate to studying...). I remember the boredom that came from reading those academic texts, and the frustration at the fact that I never managed to make them stick in my head despite my countless efforts and encounters with those same lines.

So now, when I'm actually on break and have the option to actually entertain the inner otaku and the inner child in me...why am I not making good use it

Aye, we only appreciate things when they're gone.

2. Despite what others may say, I don't think I'm capable, academic-wise or no. The ideal situation would be that I could be using my break to actually develop my other potentials - perhaps those that may be used to make me a better or a more able person - just so that I won't be accused of being too academic-oriented (not that it is actually anywhere close to the truth...oh, the harsh reality!).

The problem is, I lack the discipline.

Problem number two, I don't even have enough discipline to force any discipline on me.
Conclusion? I'm quite hopeless.

But we live and we learn. Perhaps as I journey on further in life, I'll pick up things that might be able to help me grow.

One things that would really help is for me to stop getting stressed out over trifles.
All the adrenaline gush ain't gonna do my poor heart any good anyway, and I think my blood vessels have enough fatty or atherosclerotic plaques lining them as it is (Heaven forbid!).

So let's try a calmer approach from now on. Breathing techniques, sound mind and body...and most importantly, trust in Him.

Of course, it would also help to be equipped with the realisation that change is always around the corner. Without change, humans will be static, with little or no desire to develop themselves. Without change too, comes boredom.

I suppose there's a good reason why America's politics - more specifically, Obama - keeps on yelling out "Change" like it's some sort of a mantra on a broken record.
So we should always update our map - a map that we use to define the world. A map that was shaped from our past experiences since we started to have (some) control over our memory banks, coloured by our own emotions, distorted when we erred, tainted by those episodes in which we were enshrouded in anger and blind reason, rebuilt when we rose from our fall, and refined once we gain that priceless revelation we call wisdom.
...Letting go of the old map is hard, but it's something that should be done, sooner or later. Hard because it may not be easy to accept that something that we have spent a lot of effort in has finally became outdated, hard because we stoop to the harsh realisation that we were wrong.

Letting it go and being back to the drawing board is just another step to acquiring a sense of maturity.

Why continue living in the past when Father Time is now speeding ahead in his F1 racing car?

Current Music: Kasanaru Kage (Instrumental)

Then and Now

Ramadhan's over. Then the regret for not making good of use of it comes and haunt me like it's never going to leave me alone...
But that's not the main reason I'm here, again.

In all frankness, I am simply not in the mood to celebrate 'Eid tomorrow, nor am I looking forward to being dragged around...
It's just my mood, so if I know what's good for me, all the negative vibes should disappear by dawn.

At times, I just want to shrink myself in one corner and think about things - things that should not be giving me palpitations or guilt or headaches or chest pain.
But when those things do come and flood my thoughts, I'm forced to seek solitude.
God, this makes me sound like a dysfunctional loner...

I need some time to straighten out my train of thoughts. And 'Eid is not giving me that.

Then again, maybe all I need is some sleep...

Current Music: Itsuka no Merry Christmas (Remix) - B'z

P/s: How wrong is that? A Christmas song amidst 'Eid (again, since I did the same during the last 'Eid...)? Would you believe me if I say that I'm allergic to Raya songs?

Hitobito

What did I tell you about misusing this Wifi? But that's beside the point here...
Have been having headache, chest pain and abdominal discomfort for some time now. Of course, diagnosing all those condition as purely psychogenic in nature - plus my tendency to _not_ eat - the most logical way to go about it would be to just...ignore them.
Rather than fussing about how things ought to be, it's best if we try to seize control and try to shape it to our liking. In other words, if you don't like how things are going, it's best to attempt to change it the way it should be.
...So?
I don't know.
Maybe I should try not to think too much of and for other people. It has something to do one's intention, definitely. People move on, and you do too...if God Wills it, soon there will be parting of ways. What is the use of investing too much in one who's most likely to leave your side?
That's why we shouldn't fret too much about the present. For all you know, it won't affect your future much.
Too much pessimism, but hey, I'm being realistic. My reality has always been like this.
...Maybe my mind is the one that hasn't grown up, despite my age.

Another Step Forward

I don't have much to say...except that the fasting month is nigh.
Why am I having frequent chest pain nowadays? Psychogenic, surely...but could there be an organic cause to it?
Will there be a day when I could really sort myself out and escape from this labyrinth of confusion and emotional masochism?
...Somebody, whack me and tell me to stop thinking of trifles, and be serious in my studies!
*cringes*

Current Music: It's Not My Time - Three Doors Down

Kyo wa...

Happy Birthday Gackt Camui~! A bit late, but saa...
I really should write something. A so-called inspiration has been stuck in my brain but it doesn't seem to want to be transferred on to paper...
I think I might have otitis media, as an extension from my 'fever'. So that means I'm not in the mood to blog at the moment.
I realise that the font size and fonts in this page is too inconsistent. I might do something about it - in my future entries - by trying to stick to one. Perhaps it's training to instill some sort of self-discipline?
...Maybe I should do something about the layout too...

Current Music: Higurashi no Naku Koro ni
This song is the opening of the anime of the same name, and it has a haunting feel to it. I actually tried watching a couple of episodes, but other than Hoshi Souichirou, nothing else managed to make me want to continue it. The mystery feel is not intriguing at all...I want back the 2++ hours that I spent watching it! I might as well stick to Gintama! Even if it does affect my IQ level in one way or another...

Freewriting

This entry will, as always, be random. The worse part is, things may appear to be disjointed.

Met up with Elaine after 2 years. She treated me to CinnaBon and we...talked.
Sorry I had not much of a story...Yeah, my life's pretty dull.

Facebook's giving me headaches.

Currently fighting off an incoming fever. Throat is irritable. I remember my mom suggested a tonsillectomy not too long ago - when it was suspected to be infectious mononucleosis, although thankfully, I recovered without much sequelae. Personally, I'd rather leave the world with all my organs in with me, in their respective anatomical positions...

Am sad that break is coming to an end. And anxious to be starting a new point in life.

Am nervous - kinda - at the notion of driving back to campus on Sunday.

Praying that my sarcasm won't be on a roll...

Am wondering why is it so difficult to download Gintama episode 64. I'm starting to miss my Toushi plushie too...

Yup, enough for today. Off to take another Panadol. Headache not alleviating...

Current Music: Sayaendou - NewS
Current Book: Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Murakami Haruki

Ahou

I hate feeling like a moron, whether it's really my fault or it's someone else's doing. Maybe it's because of my pride thingy, but really, I don't think anyone likes the notion either.

Humour as a mature ego defense mechanism? Alas, I have not reached that level in these 20 years. My humour is, if I may say it as such, misplaced.

God, I feel like an idiot. I sure hope I'm not one for real.

The story is like this: I rushed home last minute, thinking that I've a cavity, whereas the dentist said that it's not. If anything, it's "in good shape".

I was struck. If I didn't keep my tongue in control, I would've blurted a "...what?".
Of course, doing that would make me look dumber. That is not good.

So maybe all the microbiology and parasitology classes are making me more paranoid than ever.

Not that I wish he was wrong - I love my teeth (and no, I'm not sharing my teeth with those bacteria, normal flora or not! So there, hah!) and I want them to stay normal and healthy. But the thought that my instinct has failed my - miserably - is just too unbearable and appalling.

Have I lost my so-called sixth sense? Or was it simply taking a holiday, leaving an incompetent replacement while it was away?

So why does my tooth still feel odd? Sharp margins, as if a fragment has chipped off from it?

...One explanation would be that I had, in my utter carelessness, exerted a little too much force in brushing, that a fragment just...could not take it anymore. If that were the case, it shows that I need more calcium.

Here's a random thought: Cut down on the chocolate, take more milk.

And about the I-feel-like-an-idiot-issue...the only way to resolve that one is by educating myself.

...

Ha ha.

...

Sigh.