Vindication

So many things
all over and around, and within,
But this silence I cannot break,
without breaking others in its wake.

There are no tears,
Already dry, wilting,
quivering as the cold wind blows,
and icy words cut through.

There are no scapegoats,
so blame it all on me,
No, I shall say not one word,
as I hold within,
A prayer to ascend to Him,
for comfort, strength and warmth.

-----
ad. Lucidus (c) 2011.

Running the Gauntlet

"Don't wish it were easier, wish that you were better" - Jim Rohn

She was panting when she reached my side. I gave her a few minutes to catch her breath. It was fine - we were in no hurry after all.

"Tired?" I asked when her breathing pattern was restored, her rate normalising.

"Yes."

"...tired of what, specifically?"

She wrinkled her forehead, confused and perhaps, wary of me. "What, specifically, is your question?"

"Is your apparent tiredness stemming from exertion of running away, or are you tired of running away itself?"

"Ah. Good question." She paused to ponder. "You think?"

"I'd say it's both, although the former is more obvious than the latter. At least, by my standards."

"You're right. I am tired of all this running away - avoiding responsibilities, avoiding things just because they have a high probability to screw up. Running away from things when they don't agree with me, or when things are bound to become bad and ugly. Tired of all the panicking and hoping."

I nodded in agreement. "Life will screw you over."

"Quite true. Running won't exactly solve anything. The most it can provide you with is some temporary relief, before falling on your back, regardless if you've seen it coming from a mile away."

"And so...?"

"Well, I suppose to prevent life from screwing us over we'll just have to be well-prepared for it. I mean, sometimes we just have to give in to life, to what has been appointed to us. Stop asking 'why me?' when the world appears to go against you. Playing with 'what if' situations won't really help much to reduce your stress." She beamed at me.

"It's nice to see this paradigm shift in you."

"Yeah? I just hope it's not too late, and that it lasts properly...the heart can't take all the lashings coming its way, anyhow. Well, I'd better dash off..."

"What, where to?" I asked. "So soon? You're running again?"

"Yeah. There's no escape from the bad things in life, but I'd best start equipping myself with whatever is necessary for my survival. Besides, what option do I have but to run, when Time itself flies?" She winked, and was off again before I could say another word.

Indeed, tempus fugit. Regardless of where we stand, be it trapped in the past or anxiously anticipating the future, Time still moves forward.

Run on, until the curtain closes...and perhaps, one will be finally worthy of the applause that might follow.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

P/s: Crossposted here

P/p/s: "Running the gauntlet", according to the Oxford American dictionary, means to "go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal". Appropriate title is appropriate.
As a side note, this was supposed to be written in poetry form but...this fever is killing the words in my brain. Maybe some other day...

Detachment

To separate the brain from the heart

thinking from feeling

deduction from guesswork

logic from emotions

aims from hopes

facts from fiction

ideas from hunches

insights from instincts

wisdom from idiocy

need from lust

perspective from wishful thinking

will it disinter the strong

and entomb the weak,

living in us?

deny humanity,

repudiate our assets?

misuse our ability?

condescend our rank

to that of mere machines?

For in the end,

where will imagination be

wither will belief stand

will sympathy be ensconced

will there be a breath of inspiration

a flow of creativity

a second of euphoria

can we withstand

living in a milieu of destitude

living without a life?

For in the end,

to separate the brain from the heart

a move no different from

the physical divorcing the spiritual

the body isolating the soul.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2004.

Yes, you read that right. 2004. I dug this up from my old collection and decided that it deserves a better home.


Current Music: White Eyes - Gackt Camui

Demarcation

To me, any revelation is always greeted by at least three different sentiments: some joy, some indifference, and mostly fear. Because knowledge is power, and sometimes power can be abused, other times to be feared.

I've figured out at least some part of the answer to my "meaning of life". Hold your horses before you yell out "God and religion, obviously! Wake up, woman!" to me, because I assure you, while you are not wrong (very not wrong, in fact!), I must remind you that I have an inherent ability to complicate things beyond your imagination.

And allow me to present to you my findings, as I see fit:

Blurry is the line

as I see those things

as I think of others

The world you see

A splash of colours, celebrating life

And yet to me

I see a range of gray

More dark than white

With occasional blind spots

They say "Never lose hope"

But I miff, bittered

By the past, by these wounds

Another say, "No expectations,

no disappointment"

Here I tremor,

Not in seeing the error

Of my ways or thinking,

But in anger.

"What, pray tell!"

I yearn to counter

"Tell me how the two differ?

You put your thinking in the future,

I put anticipication in mine"

And so they, enraged, rebuke,

"Nay, you put pessimism!"

"Again, my good people,

where do they differ?

where do you draw the line?

"To anticipate what could go wrong,

surely you need some dark clouds.

Yet you accuse me of pessimism,

loathing it as if it were poison.

And I, if I could,

would say that your optimism,

is just your delusions, your blindness

blanking out those you wish not to see,

your denial."

But no, I have not the will

And so I smile weakly,

praying that the weakness is not my will,

"Here, alas, we part ways,

we agree to disagree.

For our past differ so greatly,

we may never see eye to eye,

but I implore you, as I pray I shan't,

to never lose Respect."

----
(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011

Current Music: Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

Ideation

"It's an uncharted territory," she whispered.

The remark took me by surprise. We have been shrouded in silence since we came here, and I was truthfully relieved that she just opened a topic. The quietness was starting to bore and bug me. Keen to figure out her thread of thoughts this time, I probed on. "What is?"

She shot me an exasperated look. Her hand hovered just next to her head, finally tapping her temple with a finger.

As usual, I was eager to argue. "Well, not exactly. Anatomically speaking, that is. There're enough things in the brain that neither you nor I can possibly cover everything before the Final Pro."

She sighed heavily. Maybe I've struck the wrong note this time. Or maybe my statement hit a little too close to home.

"The brain is merely the hard-drive, the external machinery. No, I'm referring to the thinking process, the operating system," she said, her tone strained.

Of course you are, I felt like retorting bitterly. It was her fault for being so vague in the first place.

"Just like dreams, yes? In a way, it's a relief." She paused as she rearranged her words in the recesses of her own mind. "It's like the brain is telling you that it's still working even though your body starts to demand its time-out once your bedtime arrives."

"Err, yes." Truthfully I wanted to tell her that I rarely remember my dreams at all, so it didn't make much of a difference to me. I probably don't dream at all, so--

"I suppose once we cease to dream, we cease to live as well."

She did it again. With that simple aphorism she almost made me feel like sinking into the ground. Was she accusing me of being lifeless? Like a zombie, maybe!?

Even if she did notice my cringing at my internal monologue, she had nothing to say about it. Good for you! Go on, think some more while I try get rid of this growing uneasiness so that I'll be just in time to resume our little chit-chat.

She broke the silence with a grunt. "Just because you can't remember your dreams, it doesn't mean that you don't dream at all."

Did she just read my mind? Did I just experience the phenomenon of 'thought broadcast' that we learnt in Psychiatry?

Maybe it was time for me to say something - before she gives a reply without my actually saying it and then totally freaking me out. "...Usually my brain is too tired for little details like dreams. It's already cluttered as it is. Besides, I wouldn't want to remember any nightmares. It might turn me into a paranoid person."

"Right."

Wait, why aren't you contradicting me? Are you even listening to what I was saying, or are you still deep in your thoughts that I'm now reduced to an insignificant bystander? Will this short story continue with only my monologues, my complaints about the intricacies of the human mind and human interaction while you sit there and become washed away by your own brainwaves?

"Maybe they're not significant enough for you to remember afterward."

What on earth are you saying now, woman? Did I miss anything you said while I was busy thinking to myself? Make yourself clear, or I'm seriously going to ignore you for the rest of this scene! Still unable to grasp her logic, I could only response in the most intelligent manner possible at the time, "Huh?"

"Something is stopping you. I don't know what it is, though." She looked at me for a moment, taking in my confusion. For a moment there I felt that I was being analysed.

I swear, she must be enjoying this, to see me squirm helplessly while she talked about things that I'd rather not think about too much. Some things are just beyond us! Speaking of which, are we still on the subject of dreams that we experience in sleep, or has she progressed to the dreams one has for one's future?

I seriously couldn't tell where she was going. What have I done to deserve this situation?

"So...?" I prompted carefully. I wondered if her analysis on me came up with anything, and if she would mind sharing. More properly this time. It was only fair!

"Well," she shrugged and stood up from the bench. She turned her head sideways to glance at me, "you mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." With that, she beamed mischievously and skipped off, leaving me staring at her disappearing form.

I hate it whenever she does that. It was bad enough that her ramblings were difficult to follow, now she has even abandoned me in the flesh!

And, seriously - did she just take a line straight out of the movie Inception? So much for originality.

---

Work of fiction (c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Shining Star (TV Ver.) - 9nine 

P/s: "In this game, you always have to have hope. You always have to dream" ~ Robert Low

I'd like to think that this post has something to do with a seminar I have to present later, Sleep and Sleep Disorders.

...Alternatively, maybe it sprung from my alternating unexplained hypersomnia and untimely insomnia.

Baggage

She stares ahead of her, eyes bobbing from left to right then to left again, at the crowd milling about before her. Her bag lies nearby, but she makes no move to assert her claim over it.

"You should keep an eye on that, you know," I murmur. Hopefully it does not come out as too bossy for her tastes.

She is momentarily taken by surprise. She pulls it closer to her side; whether out of following my advice or out of suspicion as to what I could possibly be up to, it is difficult to tell.

"Fascinating, isn't it?" I ask.

"You think so?" she says, hesitant.

"Isn't it?" I repeat myself. "Here we are, in possibly one of the best sites to observe the general public as they are. Everyone has his or her luggage - some have more than the other - and they have a place to go. Except, perhaps..." I nod in one direction, where a young child stands, lost, glancing around her, looking as if she's going to burst into tears any moment now, "...those who are still uncertain of their path in life, still dependent on other people."

My companion looks relieved when the little girl rejoins her parents, and the trio disappear from view, joining the crowd.

"Where are you heading?" I ask conversationally.

She glances at her ticket. "I don't know for sure."

"No?"

She holds the item up for my benefit. Aside from certain details as the time and place to board, it is as good as empty.

"That doesn't look right," I remark, raising an eyebrow.

"It doesn't," she agrees monotonously.

After the pause, I hazard a question, "But you know where you want to go to, don't you?"

She scrunches her face, her forehead now wrinkling in cogitation. "Yes." She meets my eyes, her grip on the ticket tightening. "Very much so."

"Great. You know what to do, then."

She nods.

"And what it takes to get there."

"Quite so."

"There will be necessary sacrifices along the way. Naturally."

"Naturally," she echoes. She however uncaps her pen and begins jotting something down on her ticket. With that done, she pockets it away. She then unzips her bag, and begins taking out several things, one by one. Noticing my enquiring gaze, she explains simply, "There are things that we should just leave behind us, aren't there?"

"Yes. But they might come back to you, somehow. Some do that, you know. Kind of like...nightmares."

"They might, but for now, they're not needed." She pauses. "Or, rather, I don't need them. I know it for a fact. If they ever come back, I'll just rinse and repeat." When I get to my feet, she makes it her point to ask, "You're leaving already?"

"Yes."

"But you--" From the way she eyes my empty hands, it is enough a hint as to what she is getting at. "You already have everything you need?" she asks tentatively. And - if I may say so myself - doubtfully.

I manage a small smile. "Yes." Taking the first few steps away from her, I motion a wave. "I'll see you when you get there."

It takes her a couple of moments to reply, and I am already some distance from her. But from the determination in her voice as she yells out "It's a promise!", I probably have nothing much to worry about.

---

Work of fiction (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010.

Current Music: Everything is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack

Intermission #13

Hope becomes dreams, but dreams turn into nightmares.

We move on, we age on,
We gain some, we leave some,
In the end, is it all worth it?
What we kept for what we have lost?

Life gets tougher
because it assumes you do too


----------------
Now playing: Savage Garden - Affirmation
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Nobody describes my sentiment towards Nelson Essentials of Paediatrics better than Dorothy Parker: "This book is not to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force".

*headdesk*

Vacant Thoughts

1. "A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor" ~ Victor Hugo

"Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything" ~ Floyd Dell

Idleness, akin to drugs,
Crawls discreetly, permeating,
In one's veins and nerves,
Filling out.

It weighs us down,
Blunts the mind,
And dims the soul.

~ (c) ad. Lucidus, 2010

2. That is not to say that the current block - Specialised posting, more specifically, Radiology - is like a walk in a park.
In fact, putting Radiology in perspective; It's seeing the world in black and white, and in between. But you still get more, from "a stack of coins", "bird's beak" or "bat's wings"...
Bored of the monochromes? Just add colour - in this case, dyes.

3. Anaesthesiology. Nice.
...Yet my case reports are still pending.

4. The weather's killing me. It's too hot to do anything, and I don't have to get a proper workout to deceive myself regarding my physical activities!

5. It seems that I have taken a backseat in my hobby, i.e. instead of writing, of late I've been compelled to take on the role of a reader...But who am I to complain, when I have high-quality reading materials at my disposal?

----------------
Now playing: Matsushita Yuuya - Trust Me
via FoxyTunes

停止

Yui says "Halt, in the name of all that is Holy!"

In life, you just have to know when to stop.

Time goes on, and as do you, with your daily undertakings. The problem arises when the two are not in tandem with each other. That is, you fall behind Time because of any delay of some sort, be it procrastination, slowness, attention deficit disorder, or a combination of them.

They say one thing leads to another.

Why is it that my search - or rather, practically every single thing I do lately - only managed to haul me further away from what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be?

Guilt alone is powerless to put an end to all this nonsense. Because the 'dot' that is representing the 'full stop' is too small, that the most it could ever achieve is probably cause me to stumble a bit...but my misguided disobedience will quickly catch my step, and I continue forward, straying away from my greater goals as if nothing had happened...

...Forward, walking deeper into that sinful realm of shallow and temporary fulfillment. Shallow, but still capable of drowning those who allow themselves to be taken in without struggle.

The point of no return is nigh.

Ambition,
Thy flame hast dimmed, and I am without lustre,
no light, no direction, no vigour,
Return my being to where I once stood
before the currents had swept me aside,
before everything else slips out of reach,
before Regret takes me over.

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2009

Current Music: Under the Darkness - Kamui Gakupo, Kaito & Kagamine Len

Even when

Even when I had put everything into those tears, things will never change.
Even when I had discarded all hope, they keep on coming back.
Even when I assured myself that everything is all right, I know it was a lie.
Even when they say 'every cloud has a silver lining', the gloom and storm obliterate all.
Even when I want to break free, something pulls me back.
Even when I seek happiness, guilt always snakes back into my conscience.
Even when God promised His Love and Justice, I still can't accept here and now.
Even when He has proved to me many times before, I can't seem to trust and leave everything to Him easily.

Current Music: Falco - Shimatani Hitomi