Intoxicated

Could this be a bipolar disorder in the making?

How does one maintain one's faith, one's optimism in something that is so incredible, so incomprehensible, so subjective to human knowledge? Is it enough to have intuition alone in the mere act of realizing it as what it is? In the face of adversity, how does one remain steadfast in one's aim?

All this is so new to me, and yet the pain - the pain is something that I'm familiar to, no thanks to my past 'experiences'. Take note, in this context familiar does not mean 'being accustomed to'...

It's difficult to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, lest I lose touch with reality, when I get swept off my feet with every little thing.

I hate this feeling. But if I were to be honest to myself, it's a thrill that I find myself craving for more. Is this why drug addicts find it difficult to give up their source of pleasure?

Dear God, I sound like a raging lunatic on a high, I'm starting to scare myself.

They say that one will fall as one learns to walk. But here I am, taken high up in the sky (not entirely without my consent, I must confess), but I'm too scared that I will fall, if it comes to that.

It might break me in more ways than one.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

In Denial...Sort of

My mother had, every so often, encouraged me to pursue writing as a secondary career, knowing very well how I enjoy writing and how the local literary field is in dire need for better reading materials. Regardless, it's an idea that I myself have entertained every so often...but never actually got around to penning it down.

She suggested that I write something based on my working experience...

...And I have a feeling that if I ever wrote it down, the novel will be entitled "I'm not Jonah".

See, apparently they have this superstitious(?) belief at the hospital, whereby anytime someone who's already a known case of "Jonah" is at work, then plenty of admission is likely. I have, many a time, insisted that I'm not Jonah, and that it actually depends on the MO who is oncall at the same time as I am.

Until today, during which when I called my MO (an awesome one, if I may say so!) to ask about a case, he actually asked, "Eh, kenapa you sibuk sangat hari ni?".

That was after the fifth case in the Emergency Department. So far I've seen seven this day alone...And even the Medical Assistants and the MOs at ED were chuckling when I came to ED to review the cases that they referred to me.

Maybe it's payback for a relatively easy day yesterday, which was fortunate, as I was indisposed for a great deal of the afternoon, feeling under the weather such that they put me on an IV drip. Yes, I have newfound respect for patients who are able to calmly wait on their beds for their drips/antibiotics to finish, staring at the drops that signify the passing time, much like an hourglass...

God, please let my oncall finish soon. I'm starting to have phobia towards my own mobile phone...

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Compilations #13

1. After a certain point, even the most patient of person might fall prey to the his or her own anger.
After a certain point, anything can turn 180 degrees.

2. What do you do when you want something so badly, but you're unsure if you're actually worthy of it? Or, heck, if it's supposed to be yours after all?

3. It's okay, isn't it, to not go for a dinner which I paid RM30 for? Let the money burn just like that...because I just don't feel like meeting people. Just because.
It's just money, after all.

4. I'm always going to be stuck in a roller coaster of emotions, aren't I? It's always one brief moment of happiness, followed by despair...
Is that how life is, generally speaking? Or am I thinking too much into it, allowing my emotions get the best out of me?

Current Music: Written in the Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner

Reciprocal

I'll soon be well into my fourth month in Orthopaedics - hopefully it will be my last month, because I sure as heck would not want to be there longer than necessary. Need to finish my postings on the dot!

And, as my habits die hard, as always I tend to observe people, particularly my own colleagues and, to a slightly lesser extent, the patients.

There are those people that, no matter how one tries to establish good rapport with, one's attempts would be met with failure. At one point I realised (I judged?) that a certain new H.O. simply did not appear to be amiable enough, in which she responded in a manner that just let me down, completely dampening any interest I might have had in meeting her acquaintance. Couple this with a certain attitude which I deem as irresponsible and inconsiderate - Malay people will call this as "mengelat" - so I might as well forget it. Ignoring her will probably the lesser of two evils.

But I'll just give her the benefit of a doubt. For now, it's still "Whatever".

At one point though, it gets tiring. It feels like I'm always the one expending energy to actually initiate and even maintain things. How am I supposed to know if it's actually mutual, and that all my efforts are actually amounting to something?

Aw, man.

Current Music: Price Tag - Jessie J. featuring B.o.B

P/s: Ignore my incoherence. I'm just so utterly homesick and tired from work, that I might be making little to no sense. Maybe it's the stress talking. Pfft.

At Intervals

At work, too many things occupy my thoughts...that the moment my shift ends, it's like everything comes crushing down. Sort of like being on high, then it goes down for no explicable reason...and it leaves you feeling helpless.

...But in my case, it's like the sudden release from work triggers a whole new myriad of thoughts that I usually had no control of.

And is it any wonder that I don't really get much rest even after work? Let's not even go into how people still called for me, asking for unreasonable, trivial things even when it's supposed to be my day off.

I hate the fact that I can't even control my own thoughts when they go overboard. I blame it on my irregular sleeping schedule, amongst other things...

Despite it all, I still pray that He will Open up the Path for me.

Current Music: How to Go (TV Ver.) - School Food Punishment

Intermission #34

What do you do when you see a glimmer of hope? Do you reach out to grab it in your hands, to proudly call it your own...or do you wait, with your hands tied behind your back, for the glimmer to brighten, embracing your entire self?

I don't know if this is what people may call as desperate, but I do know - that I want it, bad.

What have I learnt from the past? My pessimistic self would rebuke me for assuming, while my optimistic self would reprimand me for being too pessimistic in the first place.

In conclusion? Perhaps it's time to try and change the course of things actively...without pushing it too far, with my prayers to Him, and...pray for the very best.

Still, forgive me for this expression but...damnit, self.

Current Music: Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine

Intermission #33

I haven't blogged for some time.

Today was my day off, and spent the noon getting some stuff and grabbing lunch. Shopping malls being a good place to study (...) human behaviour, I find myself getting turned off by the sight of people...and feeling awkward just by being there.

Social phobia, anyone?

I never felt that way during med school. Maybe because there were always friends to go out with (since our schedules didn't clash much), and time was otherwise occupied. Even in campus the food was agreeable - more agreeable than the hospital cafe here, as a matter of fact, so in terms of food there was not much complaint. But here...

...Yeah, let's just leave it at that.

The sight of me eating alone in restaurants is nothing new.

So when three of my ward-mates and I got together for dinner just now, it was pure awesome. The food was awesome, they were awesome, and yeah...the night was awesome. They were laughing like mad, and I had a hard time suppressing my own laughter that my tummy was hurting. People were probably staring at us, but there was no helping that...

And the best part? There will probably be a second time, God Willing.

Honestly speaking though, I had no idea it would come to this, joining them for something that doesn't involve work.

Perhaps this is contentment. Alhamdulillah.

A Matter of Opinion

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails” ~ William Arthur Ward

Perhaps it just won't do to listen to people's opinions, but some would be quick to deny that. After all, working with people means there is no escape from people, yes? Even if we can stop people from talking (no small feat, surely!), no way we can change their opinions so easily. And, as most books would tell you, more often than not we are dealing with people as they are emotional creatures, rather than logical -  despite what my field of work might say on the matter.

But then again - are opinions actually manifestations of people judging people? I'm starting to think that they are the same...

Specialists and MOs remarked that I seemed depressed lately, making me more even more flustered than usual. While I appreciate(?) the concern(?), I'd rather not have it pointed out. It's my natural state of things, although I'm trying to do something about it. As one kind patient told me - in the end, all the stress accumulated at work won't actually be worth it if other aspects in one's life - health, social links, etc - become compromised in the process.

Fellow HOs teased that I was (am?) optimistic, and expressed their mock horror that my optimism is slowly being eroded. My response? I've never been an optimist, because my heart has been broken so many times.

...I'll just have to work hard, yes? As long as I know I'm doing what's right, it should be okay even if the world is against me, because God Knows better anyway...and what is this world but a sojourn, a minefield of trials and tribulations?

...This entry probably reflects my idealistic musings, but whatever. Having any conviction is just too much work these days.

Current Music: Love Love - Take That

Intermission #32

I can't take it anymore.

There has to be a limit to what kind of stupidity that the superiors are putting us into. If you want things to be done, how's about stop introducing stupid rules that restrict us in our job?

The breaking point is so near, it's like something is breaking in my chest, and I'm suffocating. Overwhelmed by all this rubbish that I'm in - against my own will, and yet still too powerless to do anything about this.

I'm starting to forget what happiness feels like. One thing for sure - even during my convocation I felt numb, apathetic.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain

H.O., oh H.O. ...

1. …or, other things that are part of the job description of a house officer that you were never really told about before you jumped headfirst into it:
- glorified secretary
- scapegoat
- sacrificial lamb
- punching bag
- puppet
- labourer
- pinata

Where is the glory, you ask? I'm still searching for the light, but it seems to be getting dimmer by the moment...

2. At certain times, it feels like even my body is against me.

That feeling of uselessness leaves an empty vortex, and it sucks whatever iota of hope that tried to stubbornly shine through. The seething anger towards others shakes every inch of my being. That anger towards self claws violently at something in my chest - My heart? My conscience? My soul - while all the stress gnaws at my stomach.

And somehow it's like the body is trying to purge me of all this toxic things by inducing nausea. There is the danger of rejecting food, and even sweet chocolate tastes bitter in my mouth.

My thoughts roam too far and too near for comfort. Colourful words that would make even sailors blush, and dark, dangerous imagination run wild without restraint. My dreams are bleak, and I wake up feeling more drained.

I'm afraid of going to sleep. There is no logic, no self-control to keep things in check, and I'm afraid if the nightmares will swallow me whole...and I never wake up.

Detrimental

As I go on in this working life, it's inevitable that I get exposed to - and am being forced to reckon with - various human traits that simply defies any simple classification. Mind you, not only from the patients and their relatives, but also from my peers and my superiors (whom I still can't call "Boss"...tsk tsk much?).

One thing that I always try to avoid is talking bad about people. It's not something I like to be done to me, but I suppose nobody can really stop people from talking, yeah? I try to avoid any conflict, and even try to avoid being roped into being a spectator for one. So imagine when someone commented about another's bad attitude/behaviour/etc to me? I just sighed and forced an understanding smile, trying to push out the thought if anyone actually said the same thing about me...and just went ahead with my work.

...Which makes me wonder why people accuse _me_ of being overly negative. Or does the fault lie with me for making myself vulnerable to unfair accusations from people? With all due respect, though, I believe I still have the right to let out some steam whenever I reach the limit. I guess that's why people complain after all? So I too should be able to complain when I absolutely feel like it...

And that pacifist voice in me? The voice is getting slower and slower with each passing day, as my patience grows thinner and my temper fuelling up.

It's ugly. It's ironic, how this supposedly noble profession is very much tainted. It's not all sparkles and glory. I guess whenever people are involved, the equation will always turn out to be more complicated to be understood, to be solved.

When I opt for silence - most of the time probably out of uncertainty on how to response rather than "I shall not dignify your remarks/jokes with an answer" - people say I'm in one of my mood swings. Excuse my saying this, but...what the hell?!

Isn't it ironic if it turns out that my profession of saving lives will be the exact thing that turned out to be, God Forbid, the death of me? I mean, all the stress and negative energy that I've accumulated (ever since med school itself?) must be putting a strain on my body and my general health...

Current Music: Hold Me - Savage Garden

Intermission #31

I tried, I really did.

Perhaps optimism is way beyond me. It's easier to ignore than to deny.

To climb is far more difficult than traveling in a flat, straight line. To descend, on the other hand...promises more misery, and a worse view of things to come.

I'm too young to feel this bad...but already old enough to know that idealism kills.

As mentioned before - there are no more tears. Numbness is starting to set in...and the only solution I can see is with Him.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain

True(?) Colours

I seriously don't know how people perceive me anymore.

Of late, practically everyday at least one person would comment on how I look 'depressed' or 'stressed out', to which - most of the time - I would reply with a typical answer of "I'm okay" when I'm actually bothered, or a simple nod which would mean "Dang, not this again, but whatever". People were saying how I used to be all smiles and all cheerful at the beginning...now they're busy asking if I'm okay. Usually it's the same people, to boot - although it rather makes sense.

Not to say that I'm angry at their display of concern - far from it! - but it just feels like people see me as weak.

At one point I confessed to a colleague that the usual smiling me is kind of not the true me, so he kind of dropped the issue - and I'm thankful.

My opinion? It's not only work per se that's giving me the headache. But that's not exactly a wise thing to say especially in front of a certain someone, is it?

Either way, I end up getting hurt. I always do, even when other people celebrate it as if it's the best thing since buttered toast.

Anyway. I'm praying for another uneventful oncall night...

Current Music: More (Remix) - Usher

Intermission #30

...If there is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand, it is people being uncivilised.

Since when is it cool to hit on random people? Especially when an example of said random person happens to be one stressed out, recently started houseman who was stuck doing discharge summaries as if she's actually a clerk and relatives nagging on when the deuce can their son/brother/etc get out of the ward?

It impedes on my professional front, which means that there is a real danger of my spite making itself known to the whole wide world.

So maybe I'm actually pissed off at something else or maybe even with myself, but whatever, and I'm starting to lose it, bit by bit.

Makes one wonder how long it'll take before I actually snap, yes?


...So maybe I'm actually pissed off because it's not the person I'd like to who's actually doing the wooing. Damn it, self, what the deuce is wrong with you!?

...Pardon the colourful language. It's the stress talking, I assure you.

Hanging On

Today will be my third day offtag, and I can safely say that I'm hatin' the shift system.

From what I could see from my two days' worth of experience, the department doesn't have enough House Officers to work in shifts. In the morning, there are only at most 3 or 4 HOs in each ward, but that's before they get called to the OT, to the clinic, to review the patient(s) in the first class ward. And because the clinic always demands for as many HOs as possible, yesterday my ward practically had zero HO around - until the second shift person came in, who was stuck doing the discharge summaries.

As for me, yesterday I was called down to the clinic before the morning round was barely halfway, and as I attended to the patients in the clinic, suddenly I was informed that I had to enter the OT to assist. And so I ran - at one point I even got lost, but let's leave that aside - and because the OT staffs who had no work was busy with some Raya feast, the people lining up at the table kind of blocked my way.

Sigh. Fortunately though, a colleague managed to brief me on what a HO is supposed to do in the OT, so I suppose I got the gist of it - missing only one or two duties. Anyhow. It was a case of closed fracture of proximal third of right femur - in fact, one of the first cases that I clerked in the ward - and so the operation was interlocking nail of right femur.

The problem? Because I'm of (below?) average height, and the MOs who were doing the op were tall people, the OT table was at least at the level of my chest. And when I had to retract the muscle upwards, I had to do it while standing on my toes. Because we're talking about retracting the anterior thigh muscles, which are strong like whoa, this morning I woke up with aches all over my body.

Ortho can be fun, but maybe I'm just physically not built for it.

As for the oncall the night before - it could get pretty hectic with handling new admissions, post-op reviews, keeping a straight face as a post-op patient in pain scolded me when I advised him to elevate his lower limb in view of his swollen foot, a certain nurse's rudeness and possessiveness over an injection trolley (I commend my self-control for not yelling out "What the hell is your problem, woman!?" there and then), further blood-taking procedures...and people's branulas keep on leaking and/or being pulled out.

I must have inserted at least 8 branulas on that day alone, but I'm pretty thankful that the veins of Melaka people are easier to find and poke than those of Kuantan.

Suffice to say, my first oncall was all right - although the sleep that followed was anything but restful, as I still dreamt of being in the ward and talking to a colleague *coughcough*, causing intermittent disruptions in my sleep.

And so, the saga continues. I'm on oncall duty tonight, from 10pm until 10am tomorrow morning. Here's to praying that it will be an uneventful one, because I don't think my body is ready to handle too many serious cases at once.

...I need to get a proper life, and proper food. Surviving on a cup of Nescafe for long stretches of hours can be damaging in the long run. And my heart...my poor heart.

...After a certain point, I don't know what to think anymore, and just let the waves of Life push me to the shores, as He Sees fit.

At least I can look forward to my parents' visit tomorrow, if He Wills it.


Current Music: Seigi no Koe ga Kikoeru kai? - Hirata Hiroaki & Morita Masakazu

Intermission #29

1. So. Last day of tagging tomorrow...and I seriously can't tell if I'm excited or not. I mean, being off-tag means that I'm officially holding (greater) responsibilities, yes? And honestly - I doubt that I am prepared to handle what might come my way.

Also...I don't know if it's a curse or something, but my facial muscles have this inherent tendency to...expose my stress, however small it may be. And when people start asking why do I look so stressed out when Ortho is considered nothing compared to, say, Medical posting, I really have no idea what to say in response. Is it out of habit? It's times like this that I pray for some sort of a poker face to wear...

But I suppose some things never change, yes? I mean, people don't seem to take me seriously when I want them to - don't get me wrong, I don't mind humouring people, but there's a limit to everything, yes? - and they like to tease me. I'm afraid that one day I might misunderstand (...) and actually snap, because everyone deserves some degree of respect...

2. Have I started to lose weight lately? I haven't measured my weight since some time...but I should, right? I'm not even eating well - my breakfast consists of a small chocolate bar, followed by a mug of Nescafe after the morning round, while my dinner is taken on an EOD basis. Call me ungrateful, but methinks the hospital cafe should hire better cooks...

Also, the fact that they can't even make decent Nescafe - unforgivable!

3. Why do we invest in the uncertain, when we have bigger goals to aim for?

Current Music: Written in The Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner
 

Intermission #28

There are things that can easily mute my tongue and yet trigger an endless chain of thoughts in my head. They don't go away easily either, and have this tendency to pop out at the most inopportune moment.
Perhaps one reason why I somewhat (kind of) enjoy working is that it helps to take my mind off such distractions. Whatever spare time I have is enough just to dwell on them without going overboard.
Lately the threshold's getting lower...and I'm scared to know what will happen when I give in to them.
I'm not acting my age, am I? Why do I allow people to fluster me only too easily? Is my self-control really this unreliable?
...I guess this is why I always have a certain dread towards Raya.
I'm sorry, God, for feeling sorry for myself despite having no solid reason to.

Still Standing

Here I am, still relatively sane ('though probably that isn't saying much, considering I'm still so green in this working business...) and, surprisingly, kind of enjoying this tagging period.

But that's not the biggest surprise.

(Take note, people, because this is where I act all out-of-character that one may be compelled to accuse me of no longer being myself.) Here goes:

I am thankful that I went to UIA.

There, I said it.

Not to say that it's a perfect 10 in my books, but it's pretty close. And all the emotional trauma(?) and harsh words that HTAA had bombarded me with? Yeah, somehow it managed to toughen me up (so far, at least), that the current hospital I'm posted at is a welcoming change.

And need I go into the knowledge aspect? Not to say that I'm uberly awesome (haha, whut?), but at least I still have some rough idea on the whats and the whys. Other things just need time - and a lot of reading and refreshing.

So far Orthopaedic's pretty okay, but I have only followed one specialist's rounds so far, and there's a lot more to be seen and experienced. Then there's the bit about Ortho being the most relaxed posting compared to the rest, so it's good, right? I mean, this adapting business takes time, and what better to spend it in a posting that doesn't really demand much from you to begin with?

Those of you who are aware of my initial horror of being posted in Ortho (which went along the lines of "zOMGwhatonEarthwhyOrthoWHY!!!???") may now give me that knowing look and say, "I told you so!".

Regardless, at least I still got my raya break - probably more than I had hoped for, although the price is by no means small. I don't even know - better make the best of it, yes?

...And now, allow me to reminiscence on my experience in Ortho posting in my university student days while I wait for the night round.

Current Music: Seigi no Koe ga Kikoeru kai? - Hirata Hiroaki & Morita Masakazu

What Lies Ahead

"Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity" ~ Albert Einstein

1. The clock keeps on ticking, the countdown doesn't stop, and my agitation is worsening. So much so that even my sleeping schedule is royally disrupted, because my brain has kicked into defense mode - writing, or more accurately, the desire to write.

My muses are in a state of unrest, my plot bunnies run wild, and my mind refuses to conform to what logic insists I should do. Not good, not good at all.

I want to give it up. Maybe find another hobby, or another way to engage my brainworks.

...But because things rarely go according to plan, I'm quite scared to commit to the idea of forgoing it. Who knows what kind of things will accumulate in my head without a proper outflow channel?

Sometimes I see myself as a collector. I pick up things here and there, mostly reluctantly and out of the force of habit, but even when I thought it has long left my person, even when I become liberated from its iron grasp, the tiniest proof of its presence still remains, and it can go viral when least expected.

2. We fear what we do not know.

I think one of the greatest problems that I have with this line is the sheer uncertainty of what will come. I'm talking in terms of patients' sequelae or prognosis, but more of "What will come through that door and into my care?". Or, in broader example - Which posting will I be placed in? Which hospital?

We also fear what we cannot control.

3. As a side note - I mentioned elsewhere that I absolutely hate batik. Subsequently, I hate shopping for batik, especially when there's not much choice to begin with. Honestly, though, it's pathetic.

...If the government wants to make it a ruling or a dress code, for God's sake make sure there are enough supplies to meet demands. And those supplies had better be darn good.

Ugh.

Current Music:  e・ter・ni・ty - UraBoku OST

I Can't Even

1. I...think there is something very, very wrong with my attention span these days. It'd better be remedied before I start working, for the benefit of all involved.

Am I scared to make the leap? To finally be one of the working class? For sure I am, although to be honest that it has always been something that the younger me were looking forward to.

It's like a whole new life to lead, a new identity to don. No more living for oneself, and we have no choice but to be thrown into the unpredictable, the uncontrollable.

It's times like these that we realise how small we are.

2. As a side note, Oscar Wilde once declared "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life" in his essay, The Decay of Lying (1889).

Today we started baking Raya cookies; Our standard fare - Cornflake Cookies with Chocolate Chip. (Never mind that I had insisted that it's simply too early for that - because the mere presence of said cookies will threaten our dietary habits and put my pancreas in a difficult position - but I lost the debate because they figured out that they'll be short of manual labour once I start working...My plan has failed!) And...well, the outcome was disastrous.

Cue facial grimace.

Allow me to maintain that I only started on it when the damage was already done, but ignorant as we were, we pressed on. (This is not a situation to apply the old adage of "Ignorance is bliss")

Anyway, we wondered why the texture turned out wrong. They crumbled easily, and it was insanely dry. And it was tiresome just to roll the batch into their proper shapes prior to their voyage into the oven.

But we remained positive. (See what optimism can do to me!? It backfired!)

It came out morbidly salty. The sweetness of the chocolate chips was entirely wiped out. Suffice to say, it's not an experience I wish upon my worst of enemies. (Haha, really?)

"Apparently it was salt," said my brother.

"Salt?"

"Yeah. The usual container for sugar actually had salt in it..."

Pause. "You mean this actually happened in real life!?"

"You think it only happens in TV shows?" my mom said flatly.

And now, each time I pass through the kitchen, I can only stare at the biscuits in both dismay and frustration at the sheer waste of it all.

3. Why am I not too upset with the prospect of possibly having to work during 'Eid? I'm more distressed with the idea that I will be missing my weekly shows!

Current Music: Asterisk - Morita Masakazu (cover)

Intermission #27

1. So it's here again - the holy month, Ramadhan. Hope it will be an opportunity to increase our piety to Allah and our humanity to our fellow humans. Also...do more good deeds!

2. The yearbook finally arrived! Let's just say that I'm ecstatic, and it's done really well. Kudos to the team!

3. Asking out of curiosity, anyone using Google+ so far?

4. Just how much apparent to us is the Truth?

Current Music: Saraba - Kinmokusei

Intermission #26

I am impressed. There is a newly opened Apple Store in ECM, and one of the employees there actually answered my enquiries well.

Though the question remains - Why didn't they open sooner, and not now when I'm already done with Kuantan!?

Current Music: Oasis - Gackt Camui

Compilations #12

1. So the issue now is - when shall we be called for work? (Called for induction, to be more accurate, but whatever - one thing leads to another!)
Personally, I don't really mind either way, but the issue that we're already late as it is still bites me. It's awfully unfair, and honestly, it's like the university never learn at all. Way to show your credibility, guys. As if we don't already hate you enough...
Or maybe I'm just the type who shows little enthusiasm. Paranoid much? Or is it something more?

2. Maybe I should stop thinking too much about writing. Lately it doesn't give me as much kick as it used to. Perhaps it's God's way of telling me, "Grow up, woman!" or something. Hmm...

3. These few days, I've been busy checking out some of the radio shows that Japanese VAs do. Despite the fact that I don't really understand a great deal of what they're saying - sort of enough, but I need more! - it still manages to make me grin like an idiot and burst out laughing like a maniac. They're having too much fun at their job, and their passion really shines through.
I'm sort of envious. Hoping that I can reach that level of passion for my job soon enough.
In any case, I can't be listening to the radio shows on my mp3 player in public. Wouldn't want people to stare at me strangely and wondering if I should be confined, away from supposedly sane people...

4. Also, I've been busy filling up documents - although probably 'busy' is such an undeserving overstatement. Every time, I can't figure out what to write under "Occupation".
It's like being stuck in between worlds, or something like that.

5. Dangit, country block!!

6. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was awesome. Needs more Draco though, or maybe that's just me...

Listening to: Bonus Track Intro ~Zenryaku Gake no Ue Yori Hizou Demo Ryuushutsu~ - Morita Masakazu, from Bleach B Station Volume 2

Vindication

So many things
all over and around, and within,
But this silence I cannot break,
without breaking others in its wake.

There are no tears,
Already dry, wilting,
quivering as the cold wind blows,
and icy words cut through.

There are no scapegoats,
so blame it all on me,
No, I shall say not one word,
as I hold within,
A prayer to ascend to Him,
for comfort, strength and warmth.

-----
ad. Lucidus (c) 2011.

Status Quo

The idleness will be the death of me, but to be honest, it will be duly missed once it ceases its reign, and I enslave myself to a life of responsibilities and serving the people, all in the name of answering His Call.

At times I wonder what is it that I've got myself into; Abandoning my interests and what essentially made me, me…will it bode well in the end? Or rather - will I survive the journey itself? Or will I be torn asunder by the gravity of the job, the multiple facades of people, and these turbulent times? Will my sanity maintain its steadiness, or will it finally crack under pressure?

Through all these, I hope God is with me, though undeserving I may be. God Forbid.

I have been writing a lot, although truth be told, most of them still reside in my head rather than in any tangible form. I've been spamming my Tumblr like there's no tomorrow, and similarly, busy deleting spams that somehow made it into my mailbox. Out, damn'd spam[1]!

The truth still stands, strong as ever. Writing is what I do. Thus my thoughts continue to wonder, what am I to do?

The differences between Arts and Science, the two are like estranged brothers, as different as night and day. While Science revels in the unrevealing of mysteries and the unveiling of truths, the Arts seem to reign supreme in the unknown and the irrepressible. How many tragedies written in the past were driven by people unable to contain their rage and rabid desires any longer? How comedies could bring joy to an otherwise murky world?

The two coexist in my head, a jungle of unexplored territories, a garden of juvenile hope, a dungeon of human fallacies, a stretch of plane where imagination takes many forms in turn?

Not to say that I regret my education thus far. But perhaps the Arts has not been given enough recognition it truly deserves, which goes beyond the superficial looks and the temporary glitters and greedy glamour? Even now, as idleness accompany my days, as I seek to amuse myself with whatever shows the television offered me, oftentimes that I found myself frowning in rebuke and scoffing with scorn.

Perhaps the tragedy of the Arts is that it's all, "been there, done that". Every cliche imaginable has been recycled that the effect has been lost, replaced by disappointment. The all reaching media ensures that there is a continuous stock of things that would feed the public's hunger for the hedonistic. And so what was left, except looks?

The problem of paper thin plots and gaping plot-holes are covered up by actors and actresses that are only pretty faces but are unable to act to save their lives. Tone deaf singers without much practice and wide range of abilities only need to ensure on looks to get them by. There are also gimmicks and cheap publicity stunts  that they used to boost up their popularity.

We are easily satisfied with mediocrity, and we become thirsty for more.

It is this quest for beauty that the public unwittingly get trapped in. People are not beautiful enough, not thin enough - but what is there to say about one's attitude?

"You're perfect as you are", or "Never change", or "Just be yourself". Yup, I've seen a lot of them on Tumblr.

While I'm not against positive advices, I do caution their use in situations. Such advices mentioned above are definitely not for those in dire need of a change of attitude.

There is a stench of haughtiness of "I'm good enough", as in the case of "I do as I please". Whatever happened to the quest of becoming a better person each day? Isn't that what growing up is supposed to amount to?

What goes around comes around - some people call it karma, but it's just God's Decree.

I apologize if this post had somehow trod on someone's toes, but it needed to be said. I assure you that all the rumination that I've done over this post hasn't actually relieved my conscience.

Current Music: Sadame - X TV OST

[1] - Parodied from Shakespeare's original work. Here is the real thing - Macbeth Act 5, scene 1:

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!—One; two: why, then
'tis time to do't.—Hell is murky.—Fie, my lord, fie, a soldier, and
afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our
pow'r to accompt?—Yet who would have thought the old man to
have had so much blood in him?

I, Fangirl

Contrary to popular belief, fangirling is a serious business.

There are not many things that excite me as much as the next person. I rarely follow TV series or even movies. Perhaps it's just how I was brought up - the TV wasn't my companion until after SPM.

I kind of think that my childhood is trying to get back at me. The level of fangirling I do for anime, Japanese RPGs etc is insane. Which is followed closely by Apple computers.

And so it is with open arms that I welcome the latest addition to my gadget collections. Affectionately named Avicenna II, it serves as a reminder to his predecessor, my very first Apple iBook.

Alhamdulillah.

This is not an advertisement for Apple. Really.
Clockwise: Mac Mini (Miki), iPod Shuffle, MacBook Pro (Avicenna II), iBook (Avicenna I), Apple keyboard & Apple mouse.

Honestly though - even now I question the necessity in owning a MacBook Pro when my iBook is still breathing (...) and alive, albeit some hardware problems which will be troublesome at times of desperate need. I actually considered getting a Windows netbook to complement Mac OS as a means to increase compatibility, but I had to hack the idea since I couldn't shake the notion of reverting to Windows. Besides, other family members are using Windows, so I'll have to even the numbers. Be the odd one out.

So as I type this entry using Avicenna II, I wonder if mankind's quest for gadgets will prove to be a never-ending and, ultimately, forever unfulfilling unless temporarily.

...Now I just need to get my PSP back working. The system crashed a couple of weeks ago, so I couldn't get started with Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep and even my Persona 3 Portable.

What's worse? Apparently Square Enix announced a new Final Fantasy title - FF Type 0, formerly planned to be FF Agito XIII - to be released in Japan this summer. Materialistic much? Or am I just unhealthily obsessed?

Intermission #25

I am in despair.

Remember the 10 sites that the government has blocked access to as one of their efforts to battle piracy? While it may or may not help their political propaganda cause, I am utterly, utterly irritated that I can't even download a harmless file in txt format.

What the flipping heck!?

Can I blame inflation for the rising prices (which then leads to piracy) in addition to blaming the government?

...How great is this? I haven't even started working but already I'm worried about money matters. Way to go, self.

Kyon facepalms at the continuous facepalm-worthy antics

Current Music: Love Love - Take That

Compilations #11

It feels...not good.

I have yet to discover the clear demarcation between 'ignoring' and 'denying'. Perhaps it's because my head is never good with such distinctions, especially when it comes to subjective matters.

Just like I can't seem to practise this 'optimism' that people preach.

I wonder if calling me a 'walking paradox' won't be off the mark...

2. It feels like a love-hate relationship.

Lately I've been disappointed for far too often. Too often, too much. The anime titles that they're churning out are becoming more and more - shall I say - derogatory in nature, although there are a few selected titles that make me look forward to them.

This doesn't stop me from following up via anime blogs though. Why do I continuously subject myself to such trifles?

Is it something worth bragging about if I can walk into an anime store and give a synopsis of at least 85% of the anime stuff that they have? And let's not even get me started on the seiyuu themselves...

3. But I am getting utterly frustrated with the manga Detective Conan. It's like a bunch of filler chapters over and over again, except that the cases are not enticing to say the least.

The kids are an annoying bunch...and I kind of wish that Ran will just drop dead already.

4. Bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored....bored.

5. And yet back then when classes were on I was still stuck with boredom. What on Earth is wrong with me?!

6. ...I probably have been watching a bit too many movies. Is it normal to not feeling excited about having watched Kung Fu Panda 2?

Or maybe I just can't get over the talking animals.

...Somewhere along the way in the cinema I wondered if it'll be considered racism to be having different animal species in a movie depicted differently.

7. ...I probably should have put a warning before I actually started typing this entry. The obligatory "turn away if you don't want to be plagued by my despair or something".

Too late though. I apologise.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

At Intervals

It has been days since I last blogged, and amazingly, I'm still relatively stable despite having little to no outlet to vent out.

May I begin with the fact that I'm very thankful that I no longer have to return to campus? Packing out was an abomination, but now with those things safely at home, unpacking is another serious business. It's utterly frustrating! The two big boxes were still full of things, and now I seriously wonder if I actually have too many clothes. There were those that I even forgot I owned them in the first place, and now my cupboard is practically overflowing with clothes...and headscarves. This basically means no shopping for clothes for these few months. (Unless it's really important, like buying clothings that need no ironing, because once work begins I wonder if I'll have the time for ironing or other basic activities of daily living...)

The annual grand dinner went well, and the choral speaking was fun to do. Great stuff, and I love the door-gifts!

The five-day-vacation to Perth was, in general, excellent. I love the weather (winter, oh yeah!!) and the general environment there was calm. It's very neat, how civilised they are, with relatively little litters on the ground. And the people there were nicer too, in general. Pity we didn't shop much though (darn you, currency exchange!), but the museum trips were great. An educational vacation, I should say. And somewhere along the way I developed this unhealthy obsession with koalas...

Went out with the old clique from primary school. It has been a long time since I met them, and now that I'm out of university, it finally feels that I'm _somewhere_, you know?

So I was asked what I'll be doing before I start getting posted to work. Probably bask in the luxury of doing nothing, I had answered (Squeeze in there somewhere a feeble attempt at suturing, I guess? Tsk self, tsk!). I do know that I need to catch up with some anime titles that I've been putting off, but now most of my anime collection has been packed in boxes in my mother's enthusiasm to spring clean, so that means I'll have to go on an exploration to search for them. More unpacking is at hand here, it seems.

Regardless, boredom is imminent. I should go out window shopping or something - just so I will not regress to becoming a socially awkward hikikomori. The current state of my social health is bad enough as it is...


Current Music: Written in The Stars - Tinie Tempah featuring Eric Turner

The Next Phase

And so, it ends.

Only to signal a new beginning, a new chapter. And today, was just a prologue to it.

If I were to be honest, I never thought of feeling what I felt back then. To have the prefix "Doctor" before my name, it should be a good feeling - but the feeling I had, mixed amongst gratitude and syukur and relief, was fear.

Fear of the sudden gravity of the situation, the responsibility that comes with it. It just got real.

(Added to the confusion was the question if I am now incapable of feeling 'happy', even after hearing the good news. Maybe I'm over-analysing things here, but I've got quite good in defining how I feel towards certain things...Ask me if I'm relieved, I'll say yes in a split second. Am I happy? I'll need to get back to you later with a proper answer...
It probably warrants a post of its own, if I ever manage to string coherent words to explain it to those who would read it...)

I could rant on and on, I suppose, but much has been said about it here.

It's a whole new ball game, with a whole new set of rules, players and audience. And it calls for a different tactic to emerge victorious.

And the game will be on soon enough.


Current Music: The Ballad of Mona Lisa - Panic! At the Disco

Intermission #24

This is it. Final Pro. Today - Monday the 23rd - until Wednesday the 25th.

Frankly, I don't know what to think and feel anymore. Just go through with it, as if I'm on autopilot or something. Argh.

For some reason I'm not as down as I thought I would be. Tired, very tired...but I thought I'd be in total despair by now.

Not to say that I did awesomely. Sigh. At this point, beggars can't be choosers.

All I know is, I'm almost halfway there...wherever 'there' may lead me. It's no secret though that I wish to graduate as soon as possible.

But I still pray for the best - for everyone and for my own self.

...Positive!Self, where have you been all these while!?

Current Music: Insya Allah - Maher Zain

Intermission #23

Note to self: When people say 'global' as in 'global warming', it really means "There's no escape for you, only despair!"

And here I was hoping to avoid the infernal heat back on campus, only to be greeted by the exact replica back in my own hometown. What on Earth!? So now I'm sick with a bad case of upper respiratory tract infection, and I'm aching all over. For some reason my sinusitis is worse in hot weather...

...This little fact should be some sort of a motivation for me. As in, study hard -> good results -> do Masters overseas -> cooler weather.

Ah, I dream nonetheless.

...study, woman, STUDY!!!11 How's about channeling all the thinking energy to issues that really matter for a   change?

Intermission #22

1. Today was...I don't what how to describe it. Surreal, yes, but I've used the word before in the same setting so...ah, screw it. Yes, it was surreal, but it's good that it's finally over. The last end block exam before Final Pro ended for me this morning.

And it was...meh. There's no other word for it, so it should do for now. Or maybe my brain is too lazy to think right now. Brainfreeze much?

2. There's always something to be thankful for, no matter what - I need to remind myself of this obvious fact every now and then. Also, there's always something that we can count on...

Life will be much easier if I could actually stop over-analysing stuff. I think my imagination is too active for my own good. Channel some of those energy to the Memory section, will you? Pfft.

3. As a side note...zOMG WHY is my knowledge on neurology so MEH!?

Current Music: More - Usher

Unrest

My head is not a pretty place to live in right now, especially since I barely have time (Final Pro exams next month OMG!!!111) to even entertain the notions that keep on making waves in my thoughts, but then I realise that I've not written for some time and...well, I get cranky once I skip blogging. Yes, so that's why I need to get it all out now to focus on the things that really matter (OMGFinalProOMG!!!111).

A couple of weeks ago my group posted in Internal Medicine had a session with Dr. M. Before starting he asked us to form a circle, and start introducing ourselves on several points: name, where we came from, our secondary school, favourite food and book, and what we aspired to be when we were but kindergarten schoolkids.

For my favourite book, I answered it as Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, a book that basically talked about the role of little things in success. And, surprise, luck plays a pivotal point! Who was it who said that "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation"? That person could not have been more accurate. There was another quote that specifically said the percentage of luck and perspiration, but I can't recall that one right off the bat. Regardless, sufficient to say, the book made me depressed.

Yes, my favourite book happens to compound my depression. Masochistic much? Tsk!

Outliers happened to be the second book by Gladwell that I read. The first was Blink, but perhaps I read it when I was too young that I can't really say the book made much impression on me. But I do remember one point: the role of the subconscious self.

Then I came across a webpage that talked about Gladwell's most recent book, What the Dog Saw. According to him, there are two methods of learning, the implicit and the explicit. The explicit deals with details and is done consciously, while implicit is more subconscious, like figuring out a pattern and - to some extent - skills. Some actions such as playing an instrument or acting are better suited to be done using the implicit learning.

The problem happens when the explicit takes over, which can occur when the brain takes over while we are under stress. There was a study done by Sam Glucksberg in which two groups were given the task to complete in a given time, but only one was given a reward, a financial intensive. As it turned out, this group finished later than the other.

I suppose that's why I tend to zone out at times, paying no heed to other stimuli around and within me while I perform certain things, like during the exams or even when people cross-question me when it comes to academics. Some may even accuse me of recklessness. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it has got me this far and...I'd like to think that it's just how my brain works. Maybe it became this way after all the depressing things that I run into, or how the education system has moulded my thinking methods, or even my years of gaming (which probably is done more intuitive than anything else I do).

Perhaps it will be better with time and experience. Yet I pray that I can count on it to get me out of a fix.

God Help me. God Help us all.

Current Music: Time's Scar - Chrono Cross OST

Running the Gauntlet

"Don't wish it were easier, wish that you were better" - Jim Rohn

She was panting when she reached my side. I gave her a few minutes to catch her breath. It was fine - we were in no hurry after all.

"Tired?" I asked when her breathing pattern was restored, her rate normalising.

"Yes."

"...tired of what, specifically?"

She wrinkled her forehead, confused and perhaps, wary of me. "What, specifically, is your question?"

"Is your apparent tiredness stemming from exertion of running away, or are you tired of running away itself?"

"Ah. Good question." She paused to ponder. "You think?"

"I'd say it's both, although the former is more obvious than the latter. At least, by my standards."

"You're right. I am tired of all this running away - avoiding responsibilities, avoiding things just because they have a high probability to screw up. Running away from things when they don't agree with me, or when things are bound to become bad and ugly. Tired of all the panicking and hoping."

I nodded in agreement. "Life will screw you over."

"Quite true. Running won't exactly solve anything. The most it can provide you with is some temporary relief, before falling on your back, regardless if you've seen it coming from a mile away."

"And so...?"

"Well, I suppose to prevent life from screwing us over we'll just have to be well-prepared for it. I mean, sometimes we just have to give in to life, to what has been appointed to us. Stop asking 'why me?' when the world appears to go against you. Playing with 'what if' situations won't really help much to reduce your stress." She beamed at me.

"It's nice to see this paradigm shift in you."

"Yeah? I just hope it's not too late, and that it lasts properly...the heart can't take all the lashings coming its way, anyhow. Well, I'd better dash off..."

"What, where to?" I asked. "So soon? You're running again?"

"Yeah. There's no escape from the bad things in life, but I'd best start equipping myself with whatever is necessary for my survival. Besides, what option do I have but to run, when Time itself flies?" She winked, and was off again before I could say another word.

Indeed, tempus fugit. Regardless of where we stand, be it trapped in the past or anxiously anticipating the future, Time still moves forward.

Run on, until the curtain closes...and perhaps, one will be finally worthy of the applause that might follow.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

P/s: Crossposted here

P/p/s: "Running the gauntlet", according to the Oxford American dictionary, means to "go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal". Appropriate title is appropriate.
As a side note, this was supposed to be written in poetry form but...this fever is killing the words in my brain. Maybe some other day...

Intermission #21

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for ((Allah)'s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (3:159)
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

1. I like to think that one of my fortes is sarcasm (Not exactly something worth bragging about, I agree...). Maybe it's just my way of letting it out without employing a loud tone of voice, but while I have many opportunities to put this into practice, I rarely do, for fear of:

• sounding like an arrogant know-it-all (...)
• accused of being rude (...some people tend to accuse more easily than the general population...)
• the listener not understanding the sarcasm, which kind of defeats the purpose. Dang.

Or, maybe, it's just my style of humour - which people don't always get, which sort of results in my unwillingness to mix around much. That, and that catering to people exhausts me greatly.
(On a somewhat unrelated note - I'm starting to think that 'humour' as an ego defense mechanism should not be put as a mature defense mechanism. It belittles the gravity of the situation - isn't that akin to denial itself?! And some people push the jokes a bit too far...it starts to get irritating. And offensive.)
Perhaps I should start becoming more silent. That way people may not misunderstand me much, it reduces the risk of inadvertently offending anyone else - and it probably helps in that what I say rarely bears any impact anyhow.
...Thank God for blogs though.

2. "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves" ~ Carl Gustav Jung.

If I appear to be colder and more labile these days, I apologise. It dawned on me that with some people it gets more difficult to tolerate them and their antics...and so I might have accidentally 'displaced' any displeasure I have towards them on some other poor innocent souls.
Or...it could be the stress. Now with regards to the time, one can only say "OMG Final Pro is just next month, OMG!!".

3. Avicenna's keyboard is acting up. The cursor appears in odd places and starts to insert the text I'm typing into other words. What the flipping heck, Apple!
Yeah. Time for a new laptop. A MacBook, no less. Sigh.

4. The manga Meitantei Conan is finally back on track - somewhat. It's about time too! Besides, I need more Okiya!

5. "The world is a crazy place. And sometimes that craziness infects us. Sometimes it makes us a little crazy too" ~ Anonymous (snagged from Tumblr)

I'm the kind who is in tune with my psyche and aims to achieve harmony with my surroundings. But with the...turbulent state of things, I can safely say that it's nigh impossible to achieve this task.
The heart can only take so much before breaking. Maybe because it's never meant to take up too much burden. But with the Internet, with the information overload (useless and useful data notwithstanding), it seems that ignorance is bliss after all, when applied correctly...

Maybe I should move away to someplace else, where people can act more rationally instead of just resorting to the excuse of "other people hexing others using supernatural means"...and the delusion that just because one has Google or the Internet in your laptop/computer/iPhone/PDA/tablet, you're as good as a specialist in that area.

...I wonder if such a place actually exists, or is it just an idealist's unattainable Utopia?

Current Music: Redemption - Gackt Camui

Overload

"The only dream worth having, I told her, is to dream that you will live while you're alive and die only when you're dead. [Which means:] To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget." - Arundhati Roy

It's getting uglier. So ugly it's repulsive, it's blasphemy.

What on God's Earth is wrong with...every single thing!? Why are utter morons holding the strings, the baton to the orchestra? Why can't some people just act their age already?

Why is it that most people appear so selfish it's just so inhumane? (...Myself notwithstanding? Really? Oh dear...) I used to think that the only thing that is limitless in a person is his or her dreams - perhaps now I may add 'ego' to that list?

Why do people no longer respond to kindness with kindness too? Why is it that people's good will gets manipulated out of context only too easily? Why is it that lies always seem to prevail over truth? Why does it feel as if our lives are being controlled by capitalists and corruption?

Is everything a mere fabrication, a veil to blind?

Is this how humanity spirals down to destruction? Are we already in the final chapter, or are things just getting started?

One thing I'm quite certain of - I'm so sick of all this bull.

Current Music: What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

Intermission #20

So tired, that I can't even think of a proper title for this entry. Pfft.

Sleeping schedule is screwed haywire, and my energy is depleting at an alarming rate that by the time the day ends all I want is to return to familiar territory and just let go, even though I know extremely well that time is not exactly on my side...

But I suppose the most important things are that (a) I do enjoy the posting so far, and (b) I'm learning things.

It's good to have achievable goals, at any rate. An idealist still needs to return to Earth and back to reality, after all - lest one develops psychosis upon failure to do so.

At least there are fewer things that bug me for now...at least, in terms of numbers, but definitely not in term of magnitude (zomg-major-exams-soon-omg!!!111).

But people do strange things when they lost control of themselves. Some people ingest things they'll probably regret later on (if they ever regain their senses, that is), other people channel their bad moods into more productive outcomes, while I...I blog, I suppose. It helps me to feel closer to myself, realising that I'm still in touch with me despite my inability to comprehend others. Because I've realised it's futile to expect too much from people - sometimes it suffocates me, other times it leaves me miserable.

I'm over-thinking things again. No wonder I get so tired so easily.

Making sense of things is hard. But trying to respond to things without them being scrutinised and judged...I'd say that is harder. Maybe some things are just not meant to make _any_ sense in the first place...

But what am I supposed to do when I can't even accept them, and yet rejection is akin to rejecting reality itself?

Current Music: Kimi no Kirei ni Kizuiteokure -  Sambomaster

P/s: Desperate people do desperate things at desperate times for desperate reasons. It seems that it's getting more and more difficult to escape the clutches of the Net, what with my perpetual blog-writing and visiting, Tumblr and...a certain other social network site (No, it ain't Facebook - I'm kind of over it by now...).
And it goes on and on and on...

Detachment

To separate the brain from the heart

thinking from feeling

deduction from guesswork

logic from emotions

aims from hopes

facts from fiction

ideas from hunches

insights from instincts

wisdom from idiocy

need from lust

perspective from wishful thinking

will it disinter the strong

and entomb the weak,

living in us?

deny humanity,

repudiate our assets?

misuse our ability?

condescend our rank

to that of mere machines?

For in the end,

where will imagination be

wither will belief stand

will sympathy be ensconced

will there be a breath of inspiration

a flow of creativity

a second of euphoria

can we withstand

living in a milieu of destitude

living without a life?

For in the end,

to separate the brain from the heart

a move no different from

the physical divorcing the spiritual

the body isolating the soul.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2004.

Yes, you read that right. 2004. I dug this up from my old collection and decided that it deserves a better home.


Current Music: White Eyes - Gackt Camui

Gaia

They came again, this time bigger and badder than ever; the devastating earthquake-tsunami combo.

This time, they hit Japan.

That's how Nature reminds us how she can just snap and shows us mere humans that she could be overpowering once she powers up and starts being unpredictable, while God Reminds us that we are still tiny, tiny specks of living things that should not get too full of ourselves, and to always remember who we are, where we come from and where we will undeniably go from here.

Also, never forget to be thankful for what we have. I'll just leave this here for your perusal.

Current Music: Last Song - Gackt Camui

Just the Way Things are

Royally screwed beyond redemption, but things didn't get worse - thank God for that! That is a one-line summary of how my Psychiatry clinical exam went.

Perhaps I was destined to screw up from the beginning. The moment the patient walked into the room, I had a temporary lapse of thinking. As if my thoughts were taken over by a void so empty, so dark, and it swallowed me whole.

But somehow I pulled myself back out of that hellhole, only to fall back into it around ten minutes later.

And when the patient started crying in front of me, I figured I was doomed.

The history that I got was so pathetically scant that I almost felt embarrassed to present. So my diagnosis, I based on the Mental State Examination rather than the history.

Do I blame the patient? At one point, yes, and I'm not even embarrassed to admit this. I'd say it was human to be in despair, given my state at the time, and really...did I have any choice in the first place?

Do I feel regret for not knowing the case even though she has been warded since two weeks ago? Not really, no. Regretting would mean blaming myself - and blaming my fate, I suppose - so that's the last thing I need for now.

Maybe life'll be easier to tread on when you just find within you, that willingness to accept whatever God has Given you.

I just wonder if my 'acceptance' appears to be more of 'forlorn'.

Maybe it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.


Current Music: Main Theme - Zombie Loan OST 

P/s: I'm still sad that Psychiatry is over, although frankly, it's probably more than I can take...

Intermission #19

They say never let fear take over.

I don't know if it's just some ironic coincidence, but I seem to recall that this is not the first time that my exams happen to take place at a time when trouble is brewing at another part of the world. Some time before it was the tsunami, then there was also the flood...and now, the genocide in Libya, and my exams are in three days' time.

It was during clinic with a lecturer yesterday when he brought up the issue, which I shamefully displayed my ignorance on the issue. Dr. U was saying how a bit of depression is good - I quote, "depressed people have better reality testing" and "those people who never had an episode of depression have high tendency to become overconfident" and they might terrorise other people, "like what Gadaffi is doing".

So there. Meanwhile, here I am, getting all jittery and depressed for the coming exams, and in an attempt to allay those uneasy feelings, I try to be thankful that the situation wasn't any worse...and I started thinking how bad things are for other people.

Needless to say, out of that exercise...I get more depressed.

Yeah, it backfired.

God Help Us all.

Current Music: No Moral (TV Size) - Itou Kanako