Aftermath

So we had our first mini test two weeks ago. It was a horrible, horrible one hour of my life.

Maybe I didn't study enough. Maybe I studied too much (in one way exhausting myself before the real deal). Maybe I took it for granted (I mean, hey, our ninth mini test. One is bound to get desensitized to the horror of mini tests sooner or later...).

The lecturers are now questioning us: Was the paper _that_ difficult?

One lecturer even expressed that he was upset with us within five minutes of entering the lecture hall.

This goes to show that the number of failed candidates must be, in one word, overwhelming. History repeats itself (I heard that the same thing happened to the previous batch, ie our immediate seniors). I guess they did a second round of markings, etc etc to verify the the meagre assumption that something must be wrong.

Obviously it points directly to us. Or the paper, if you happen to be one stubborn student who refuses to admit his/her mistake.

The paper was tough. Either that, or I really, really was not myself. I mean, that one hour was awfully fast - I barely had enough time to think things over.

I studied, and I'm sure others did to (albeit with various enthusiasm and efficacy) but the paper was a shock to us. Plenty of clinical questions (which are actually quite okay once you're given ample time to reflect) and most questions fell in the gray area.

As I like to say, the world is neither black nor white. It's gray.

But mini tests only recognise three answers: True, False, or Blank (otherwise dubbed as "I don't know or not sure and am too cowardly to even hazard a guess lest it deducts a true answer - that is, assuming that I have one in the first place - so I'll just leave the question unanswered and my question paper white").

In mini tests, it's not just about answering the paper. It's about calculating risks (if you're a risk taker, or simply, if you've no choice at all for the reason that any answers that you are confident with may not be enough to earn you a "Pass" status). It's also about budgeting. It's also about time-planning.

Sadly, I failed in all aspects.

Honestly, I enjoyed this block. Physio, haemato - and heck, maybe a lil bit of anatomy... - were all enjoyable (but still, tiring! They should do something about the distance between college and lecture halls). The clinical elements were rewarding; they give you a sense of 'satiety', making you realise that you are actually learning for something more, something higher than mere mini tests or end block exams or maybe even first professional exam. This block is a nice change from the previous one, in which we were bombarded with anatomy (LOTS of anatomy...), epidemiology, public health, biostats, etc.

So I wasn't too depressed when I performed moderately (read: miserably, by my standards) in Y1B4.

Back to the current dilemma.

One can hardly imagine how tremendous this failure could be. I mean, the way lecturers were lamenting, it must mean something that is on a grand scale that even if all of us were to then get credited with distinctions at the end of the block, we would not be able to compensate for this dark episode in our life as medical students?

Some say the results would be out tomorrow. I don't feel like checking. Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

But I am ready to kick aside my record of "Zero-fails in Mini Tests"...if it promises a brighter future ahead.

But we're supposed to work to make our future brighter.

At the rate I'm going right now, I can't even see where I'm heading to. So far I could only remember exams, lectures, tests, and more lectures. It doesn't feel like I could apply what I've learnt thus far to make it as a career once I graduate.

Who to blame? I'm sure I'm not the only one deserving a wallop for this.

This week feels long. Classes are full. I want to go home so badly.

I need fresher air to clear my mind and my head.

And some more Japanese songs to boost up. For now, I'll just go and grab something that could remotely constitute as dinner.