Beyond Words

It's when Raya is around the corner that I cannot help but think: What exactly does it mean when somebody says sorry?
A) "I feel awful for being such an inconsiderate person in that I failed to pause and wonder if my next step would bring you immeasurable distress?"
B) "I regret for having caused you much grief, and will see to it that it shall not repeat in the future"
C) "I know I shouldn't have done it, but I had to (or, I just did). Now that I'm asking for forgiveness, it naturally follows that you should forgive me"
D) "I suppose I did make you feel sad/angry/annoyed/etc, but I can't remember any right now, so I'll just do this because it's tradition"
E) "Oh, heck, everyone's doing it. I'll just follow the crowd"

But I'd like to point out that whatever one's answer may be, in some (most?) cases it's easy to forgive but not easy to forget.

So what _does_ forgiveness actually mean?

A dictionary defines it as "stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake".

I mean, it actually helps that forgive=/=forget, because otherwise, we'll be ignorant of the fact that it could happen some other time even after the negative emotions have long subsided. We'll just get mad all over again, and the whole process will repeat itself...until one party decides that he/she has had enough of it all.

Of course, some people never learn.

The whole aspect of life is that you live and you learn. As I'd like to see it, life is a discovery; A discovery of yourself, of God and His Might, and the world around you.

As you progress on in this world, you realise how you are. How you will react to a certain situation, and how your perspective of the world is shaped, and how it changes later on.
And if your perspective is actually quite close to describing the world in general.

Maybe it's one of my shortcomings. The study of sciences, regardless physics or biology or pathology, requires conclusions. So it follows that I'd be only too eager to conclude something - anything - about humanity or the world after some sort of incident or mere observation. Call it a force of habit, if you will.

One perspective that has long struck me is this: That people is capable of great evil.

A simple proof is that crimes are running rampant, and unnecessary wars are being justified by those who wield power.

Sure, people _can_ do good, but seeing the current scenario in the world, let's just say that the temptation to do evil would greatly overwhelm those who are too weak to succumb to their evil will.

It saddens me that I could not help but feel suspicious and a little scared when some stranger in, say, an LRT started a conversation with me, especially when the conversation pertains to me in some way or another. There is this certain boundary that you put up to shield you from everyone else, but the diametre is only too great.

I suppose that was why my father was unhappy some time ago when I told him I was supposed to meet a (male) lecturer to get something from him, that in the end he did it on my behalf, on his own.

While I do appreciate the protection, at least give the lecturer (and me) the benefit of the doubt.
But I digress. At least, I think so.

Right, about forgiving and forgetting.

Some would say that feelings are very hard to control, even if they are your own. You know you're not supposed to get mad, but you do anyway. One who's emotional would say that one is powerless against it, and that it is this unseen entity that actually decides your action for you.
So what am I supposed to do when I _know_ it's wrong for me to harbour dissatisfaction, and yet I'm too...impuissant to bury the hatchet?

One can never be happy with others (heck, are _you_ happy with yourself? Like, really happy?) because as much as we seek near perfection in others, there's no way on Earth we'll actually find it within ourselves.

Said problem is especially difficult to live with if your personality is a rare one, and that people and the world, from your point of view, is beyond understanding.

Plus the notion that you yourself, the human population and Mother Earth is beyond help.

But God doesn't like this pattern of thinking. He teaches optimism, in that there is always reason for how things turn up, and that He sets things in motion in a way that is best-suited for you.

But I've always thought that pessimism is the way for me. It saves me the disappointment when things don't turn up the way I wanted/hoped it to. Being optimistic is tiring because if things don't go your way, you have to assert to yourself that it is actually for the best. So it saves energy, to just think that things are just _not_ meant to be and leave it at that.

Of course, like all man-made plans, it backfires. In this roller-coaster life, things don't really stick to the horizontal plane; you go up, you come down.

Example: when I really, really have lost hope in someone to ever improve, that person will then, without warning, do something that automatically defies my initial thinking.

Now _that_ is tiring. Simply because then I've to remind myself that people are like that; that one day they're capable of hurting you, and comforting you on the next.

Perhaps it really is easier to tolerate someone who will continuously hurt you as opposed to one who 'fluctuates'.

But people _do_ fluctuate. That explains why we are required to constantly seek forgiveness from Him, because we are forgetful of our origin, our responsibilities, and His Rules that we have to abide by.

But really, when it's like almost everyone starts to seem irritating, then it has to mean that the pathology is, in fact, endogenous. That my own view of the world and people is dysfunctional. That I'm looking for something I may never procure in this life, like chasing after a light in a darkened tunnel in the middle of a moonless night. That I'll never learn and accept the truth that reality bites.

Ouch.

And so I run. Running away from this cruel reality, hiding in fiction that is anime and fantasy. Where laughter comes easily. Where things happen for a reason, where there is justification (in some of) their actions. Where, in most cases, the end reflects the shallow human understanding of justice.

Such is human thinking, naive and erroneous.


Current Music: Alones - Aqua Timez