Intermission #11

I scrutinize this blog's tag list and I am torn between laughing bitterly and heavy sighing. While it is by no means surprising, it is a cause of concern that does need rectifying.

Going by the frequency, the highest number of entries are those that revolve around med-life, people and anguish. Yes, this little corner in the www might just be a little too pessimistic for its own good.

That is not to say that I'm a full-blown pessimist bordering on suicidal thoughts (despite my frequent talks about jumping off buildings - God forgive me) and more-than-occasional anhedonia. But with negative feelings, there is a greater need to analyse and allow it to unfold - hence the blog entries.

The response to joy is easier - extend one's gratitude to God, don't let it get to your head, and carry on. There is less need to ruminate over it, with less drama involved.

There isn't much else to say. My hobbies are few. I'm losing interest in anime, and it's getting difficult trying to keep abreast with recent updates on my J-music fix. Books I rarely purchase these days - one reason is the sheer price and another is the need to focus on academic reading - so I mostly read online stuff. Politics has to be avoided - there's too much idiocy going on and it's no use getting so emotionally worked up over them. Wouldn't want to toe over the line of sensitive issues, would we? And I tell you there's a lot of that contributing to my brain activity...more than what should be permitted for normal functioning level.

I'm honestly running out of things to write about. Would it spell the end of my writing?

...Yeah, right. There'll always be something; Something...

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Now playing: Back-On - Sands of Time
via FoxyTunes

The Simple(r) Life

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

What if everything that you have ever known or thought that you believed in whole-heartedly - was in fact wrong? Would you say that you were tricked by those delusions? Or would you say that they spawned from ignorance, and now you are freed from those lies - only that you're already leaping across a huge chasm; falling into it means being swallowed alive with no hope raising above and seeing the light, while reaching the other side means facing the great unknown, the indomitable evil within and outside, brutes who are only too eager to bring you down?

Maybe my thinking is a bit too radical, too alien for this part of the world, this community I'm living in. How I came to the realisation that I feel more comfortable working alone compared to dealing with people of all sorts was a shock. I've never thought I'd have this kind of predicament before - whatever happened to the me of yore, who was able to freely achieve things that the current me is still finding the courage to?

And yet when my old friends remarked that I "haven't changed a bit", part of me just wanted to laugh bitterly. Oh, if only they knew...

I missed those days that I did not have to worry about trifles, and how Chance never appeared to me like a looming spectre, eager to grasp me in his claws and tear me apart, and how Uncertainty never laughed at my fumbling in a B-grade sitcom.

If I could go back in time to see the younger version of me, I would engage her in a long, long talk. One that probably would convert her to the current me a bit sooner, but probably would save her the trouble in the long run.

But no! There is no way to turn back the clock. Gone are those days when we could laugh easily and look forward to a brighter, more promising day ahead. In retrospect, those problems that we faced as children were tantamount to nothing - entirely insignificant - to those that we face now. Perhaps the same will ring true when our future self puts our current self in juxtaposition.

It's irreversible. Why is it that we can't seem to learn!?

We only have the Past as our teacher, the Present as our arsenals, and the Future as our spoils of war, a trophy that embodied the blood and tears that we had put into. And we put ourselves - perhaps so much more! - at stake in this great battle.

Ah, the power of belief...so influential, yet so incorrigible.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Halfway Gone
via FoxyTunes

Intermission #10

"Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress" ~ Bruce Barton

1. Good grief. How I miss the revision weeks we once enjoyed before we became fifth year students...without it, time is speeding beyond the speed of light and I am left scrambled for whatever pieces I could gather.

In O&G, it felt like most of my time was spent trying to look for procedures, waiting for deliveries and timing pregnant ladies' contractions (...). That, and the innumerable nights that I lost sleep, making my biological clock more chaotic than ever. And my brain - my poor brain is starting to rebel against me.

I don't know. That's just how things are. Who am I to say anything else?

2. Sometimes I do wish some people would mind others. We live in a community, don't we? Then, for the love of God, please treat public property like one and stop hogging it like it's personal property. *cringe*

3. No more. If I start rambling further...who knows what my caffeine-deprived, sleepy brain would say next? Perhaps those things I'll forever regret...

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Now playing: Maroon Five - Misery
via FoxyTunes