Unrest

My head is not a pretty place to live in right now, especially since I barely have time (Final Pro exams next month OMG!!!111) to even entertain the notions that keep on making waves in my thoughts, but then I realise that I've not written for some time and...well, I get cranky once I skip blogging. Yes, so that's why I need to get it all out now to focus on the things that really matter (OMGFinalProOMG!!!111).

A couple of weeks ago my group posted in Internal Medicine had a session with Dr. M. Before starting he asked us to form a circle, and start introducing ourselves on several points: name, where we came from, our secondary school, favourite food and book, and what we aspired to be when we were but kindergarten schoolkids.

For my favourite book, I answered it as Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers, a book that basically talked about the role of little things in success. And, surprise, luck plays a pivotal point! Who was it who said that "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation"? That person could not have been more accurate. There was another quote that specifically said the percentage of luck and perspiration, but I can't recall that one right off the bat. Regardless, sufficient to say, the book made me depressed.

Yes, my favourite book happens to compound my depression. Masochistic much? Tsk!

Outliers happened to be the second book by Gladwell that I read. The first was Blink, but perhaps I read it when I was too young that I can't really say the book made much impression on me. But I do remember one point: the role of the subconscious self.

Then I came across a webpage that talked about Gladwell's most recent book, What the Dog Saw. According to him, there are two methods of learning, the implicit and the explicit. The explicit deals with details and is done consciously, while implicit is more subconscious, like figuring out a pattern and - to some extent - skills. Some actions such as playing an instrument or acting are better suited to be done using the implicit learning.

The problem happens when the explicit takes over, which can occur when the brain takes over while we are under stress. There was a study done by Sam Glucksberg in which two groups were given the task to complete in a given time, but only one was given a reward, a financial intensive. As it turned out, this group finished later than the other.

I suppose that's why I tend to zone out at times, paying no heed to other stimuli around and within me while I perform certain things, like during the exams or even when people cross-question me when it comes to academics. Some may even accuse me of recklessness. I don't know if it's a good thing, but it has got me this far and...I'd like to think that it's just how my brain works. Maybe it became this way after all the depressing things that I run into, or how the education system has moulded my thinking methods, or even my years of gaming (which probably is done more intuitive than anything else I do).

Perhaps it will be better with time and experience. Yet I pray that I can count on it to get me out of a fix.

God Help me. God Help us all.

Current Music: Time's Scar - Chrono Cross OST

Running the Gauntlet

"Don't wish it were easier, wish that you were better" - Jim Rohn

She was panting when she reached my side. I gave her a few minutes to catch her breath. It was fine - we were in no hurry after all.

"Tired?" I asked when her breathing pattern was restored, her rate normalising.

"Yes."

"...tired of what, specifically?"

She wrinkled her forehead, confused and perhaps, wary of me. "What, specifically, is your question?"

"Is your apparent tiredness stemming from exertion of running away, or are you tired of running away itself?"

"Ah. Good question." She paused to ponder. "You think?"

"I'd say it's both, although the former is more obvious than the latter. At least, by my standards."

"You're right. I am tired of all this running away - avoiding responsibilities, avoiding things just because they have a high probability to screw up. Running away from things when they don't agree with me, or when things are bound to become bad and ugly. Tired of all the panicking and hoping."

I nodded in agreement. "Life will screw you over."

"Quite true. Running won't exactly solve anything. The most it can provide you with is some temporary relief, before falling on your back, regardless if you've seen it coming from a mile away."

"And so...?"

"Well, I suppose to prevent life from screwing us over we'll just have to be well-prepared for it. I mean, sometimes we just have to give in to life, to what has been appointed to us. Stop asking 'why me?' when the world appears to go against you. Playing with 'what if' situations won't really help much to reduce your stress." She beamed at me.

"It's nice to see this paradigm shift in you."

"Yeah? I just hope it's not too late, and that it lasts properly...the heart can't take all the lashings coming its way, anyhow. Well, I'd better dash off..."

"What, where to?" I asked. "So soon? You're running again?"

"Yeah. There's no escape from the bad things in life, but I'd best start equipping myself with whatever is necessary for my survival. Besides, what option do I have but to run, when Time itself flies?" She winked, and was off again before I could say another word.

Indeed, tempus fugit. Regardless of where we stand, be it trapped in the past or anxiously anticipating the future, Time still moves forward.

Run on, until the curtain closes...and perhaps, one will be finally worthy of the applause that might follow.

-----

(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

P/s: Crossposted here

P/p/s: "Running the gauntlet", according to the Oxford American dictionary, means to "go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal". Appropriate title is appropriate.
As a side note, this was supposed to be written in poetry form but...this fever is killing the words in my brain. Maybe some other day...

Intermission #21

It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them Wert thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (Their faults), and ask for ((Allah)'s) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast Taken a decision put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him). (3:159)
If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust. (3:160)

1. I like to think that one of my fortes is sarcasm (Not exactly something worth bragging about, I agree...). Maybe it's just my way of letting it out without employing a loud tone of voice, but while I have many opportunities to put this into practice, I rarely do, for fear of:

• sounding like an arrogant know-it-all (...)
• accused of being rude (...some people tend to accuse more easily than the general population...)
• the listener not understanding the sarcasm, which kind of defeats the purpose. Dang.

Or, maybe, it's just my style of humour - which people don't always get, which sort of results in my unwillingness to mix around much. That, and that catering to people exhausts me greatly.
(On a somewhat unrelated note - I'm starting to think that 'humour' as an ego defense mechanism should not be put as a mature defense mechanism. It belittles the gravity of the situation - isn't that akin to denial itself?! And some people push the jokes a bit too far...it starts to get irritating. And offensive.)
Perhaps I should start becoming more silent. That way people may not misunderstand me much, it reduces the risk of inadvertently offending anyone else - and it probably helps in that what I say rarely bears any impact anyhow.
...Thank God for blogs though.

2. "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves" ~ Carl Gustav Jung.

If I appear to be colder and more labile these days, I apologise. It dawned on me that with some people it gets more difficult to tolerate them and their antics...and so I might have accidentally 'displaced' any displeasure I have towards them on some other poor innocent souls.
Or...it could be the stress. Now with regards to the time, one can only say "OMG Final Pro is just next month, OMG!!".

3. Avicenna's keyboard is acting up. The cursor appears in odd places and starts to insert the text I'm typing into other words. What the flipping heck, Apple!
Yeah. Time for a new laptop. A MacBook, no less. Sigh.

4. The manga Meitantei Conan is finally back on track - somewhat. It's about time too! Besides, I need more Okiya!

5. "The world is a crazy place. And sometimes that craziness infects us. Sometimes it makes us a little crazy too" ~ Anonymous (snagged from Tumblr)

I'm the kind who is in tune with my psyche and aims to achieve harmony with my surroundings. But with the...turbulent state of things, I can safely say that it's nigh impossible to achieve this task.
The heart can only take so much before breaking. Maybe because it's never meant to take up too much burden. But with the Internet, with the information overload (useless and useful data notwithstanding), it seems that ignorance is bliss after all, when applied correctly...

Maybe I should move away to someplace else, where people can act more rationally instead of just resorting to the excuse of "other people hexing others using supernatural means"...and the delusion that just because one has Google or the Internet in your laptop/computer/iPhone/PDA/tablet, you're as good as a specialist in that area.

...I wonder if such a place actually exists, or is it just an idealist's unattainable Utopia?

Current Music: Redemption - Gackt Camui