Intermission #33

I haven't blogged for some time.

Today was my day off, and spent the noon getting some stuff and grabbing lunch. Shopping malls being a good place to study (...) human behaviour, I find myself getting turned off by the sight of people...and feeling awkward just by being there.

Social phobia, anyone?

I never felt that way during med school. Maybe because there were always friends to go out with (since our schedules didn't clash much), and time was otherwise occupied. Even in campus the food was agreeable - more agreeable than the hospital cafe here, as a matter of fact, so in terms of food there was not much complaint. But here...

...Yeah, let's just leave it at that.

The sight of me eating alone in restaurants is nothing new.

So when three of my ward-mates and I got together for dinner just now, it was pure awesome. The food was awesome, they were awesome, and yeah...the night was awesome. They were laughing like mad, and I had a hard time suppressing my own laughter that my tummy was hurting. People were probably staring at us, but there was no helping that...

And the best part? There will probably be a second time, God Willing.

Honestly speaking though, I had no idea it would come to this, joining them for something that doesn't involve work.

Perhaps this is contentment. Alhamdulillah.

A Matter of Opinion

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails” ~ William Arthur Ward

Perhaps it just won't do to listen to people's opinions, but some would be quick to deny that. After all, working with people means there is no escape from people, yes? Even if we can stop people from talking (no small feat, surely!), no way we can change their opinions so easily. And, as most books would tell you, more often than not we are dealing with people as they are emotional creatures, rather than logical -  despite what my field of work might say on the matter.

But then again - are opinions actually manifestations of people judging people? I'm starting to think that they are the same...

Specialists and MOs remarked that I seemed depressed lately, making me more even more flustered than usual. While I appreciate(?) the concern(?), I'd rather not have it pointed out. It's my natural state of things, although I'm trying to do something about it. As one kind patient told me - in the end, all the stress accumulated at work won't actually be worth it if other aspects in one's life - health, social links, etc - become compromised in the process.

Fellow HOs teased that I was (am?) optimistic, and expressed their mock horror that my optimism is slowly being eroded. My response? I've never been an optimist, because my heart has been broken so many times.

...I'll just have to work hard, yes? As long as I know I'm doing what's right, it should be okay even if the world is against me, because God Knows better anyway...and what is this world but a sojourn, a minefield of trials and tribulations?

...This entry probably reflects my idealistic musings, but whatever. Having any conviction is just too much work these days.

Current Music: Love Love - Take That

Intermission #32

I can't take it anymore.

There has to be a limit to what kind of stupidity that the superiors are putting us into. If you want things to be done, how's about stop introducing stupid rules that restrict us in our job?

The breaking point is so near, it's like something is breaking in my chest, and I'm suffocating. Overwhelmed by all this rubbish that I'm in - against my own will, and yet still too powerless to do anything about this.

I'm starting to forget what happiness feels like. One thing for sure - even during my convocation I felt numb, apathetic.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain