Anomaly

"The woman who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been" ~ Albert Einstein

It's difficult being the odd one out.

Positive people would label this as 'being unique', but how does that stand in a world where one might be punished for being different?

There is a Japanese proverb that describes exactly this: The nail that sticks out gets hammered...Or something that sounds like that.

Is there something that I missed? Am I so terribly uninformed that I have this naivety, this tendency to float about in a world of my own creation, made up of enchanting lies and blissful ignorance? Was my childhood so utterly traumatising(?) that it managed to put my entire perspective on life in jeopardy?

Perhaps I am guilty of assuming, of passing judgments too easily after all. Of being unable to appreciate those that may be obscure at first glance, or being blind to what are glaringly obvious to the rest of the world.

Funny how personal opinions and beliefs can taint our outlooks with prejudice - and vice versa.

But when I observe the world around me, with the myriad of people and all sorts of drama that they embroiled themselves in unwittingly, my mind automatically wonders - Is it just me, or has the world gone cuckoo?

Maybe, with regards to Mr. Einstein's quote above...this is one of the many ways that the term "Forever Alone" can be applied to yours truly.

Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson

Intermission #37

1. In a way, despite the prospect of greater trials and trouble ahead, I can't wait to get out of Paeds.

Allah Willing, I just have to go through two more working shifts - both are resus, but screw it, it's not like I have much control over the matter. Things could be worse so...here's to praying that I shall survive those two days!

I hate dealing with parents, full stop. Maybe not all - I'm not that heartless that I can afford to leave them with their anxieties - but for God's sake could they at least take a damn hint and see that we are busy with rounds and stop nagging us with questions such as but not limited to, "Bila anak saya boleh keluar?" or "Macam mana baby saya?" or "Kenapa kena amik darah lagi?".

Today at one point I wondered if the hospital's policy of nursery admission is too bloody all-encompassing that maybe we are having unnecessary admissions, all in the name of observation.

...And whose fault is it when the hospital resorts to drastic and effing ridiculous measures just to cut costs? One of which is by delaying our allowance, which is a tyrannical move, I tell you!

2. A precarious state.

In which uncertainty is certain. Dubious, and up to anyone's interpretation.

It could go either way...and I fear I may not be prepared for a bad end.

Yet, it had not blinded me entirely. Far from perfect, but at the same time, sounds rather too good to be true that I need to double check myself to make sure that I was not dreaming.

But am I compromising too much here?

Would testing the waters sink the boat to the bottom? Or will it bring us to greater heights?

Or am I singing a solo melody here?

Fear precludes me from finding out for real.

Current Music: Number One for Me - Maher Zain

Fill in the Blanks

1. There is a popular saying on Tumblr: "Follow your heart, but take your brain with you".
So what do you do when reason says no, but both your heart and your instincts (at least, the less rational part of it) say go?
No matter what people may say, at the end of the day, it's only going to be me going down when everything falls apart.
Uncertain where else to look for the answer, I look heavenward and whisper a prayer.
Deep down - despite all my vehement denials - I know what I want. I wonder if it was ever in His Plans.

2. The other day I was accused of putting too much inhibition on myself.
My argument? Because I know it would not be me if it were otherwise.
Maybe it's because of this thing people call 'ego'. Or maybe because I just prefer to maintain my insouciant air, despite the contrary.
Or maybe I've just been hurt too often, too badly in the past, that I'd rather keep to myself than leave myself vulnerable.

3. I swear, some people have this inherent ability to just piss me off without even trying.
Even so I try hard to be calm and not judge too harshly, because we are but humans. Because I know that I'm far from perfect...
...but at least I'm trying, am I not?

4. Yes, I realise that my timing is, more often than not, off. Which is why I rarely initiate things, and just let things come as they may.
But please, trust me a little bit more when I say it's still too early to say anything for sure.

5. Dang, tomorrow I'm in charge of resus again. Shoot la weyy...

Current Music: Breathing - Jason Derulo