Numb

One of the things that I fear the most is near. The first test, in which most people - as can be seen from the past batches - will fail.

I can see myself as one of them. While I do hope it's merely a groundless paranoia, part of me is certain of it. The question is, will I be able to take it?

My pessimism is, decidedly, more beneficial than my being positive. In a way, it prepares oneself for the worst, though the risk of getting high blood pressure or heart attack is not exactly what I have in mind, now in the future.

Speaking of health problems, the problem-based learning that they have here is not exactly as fun as I had thought. For one thing, it depends too much to the 'facilitator' (the lecturer who is present) in terms of giving out the marks. The problem comes when there's some sort of communication failure - ie. the facilitator did not specify beforehand what s/he wants exactly, or in what manner is the presentation to be like - and when the facilitator expects too much from us.
For the love of God, this is only our first block. We're still fresh and blur. And we're not really as smart as you think we are. Yet, at least.

I'm destined for mediocrity.

I can't seem to keep my focus. While this was the same problem I faced before, now it has worsened. Too many things are bothering me, all at the same time. And the fact that other people could study - and they happened to be very informed of what they read - bothered me as well.

Perhaps I'm the only one who hasn't adapted to my surroundings. I've always seen myself as a rigid person, taking such a long time to change, to familiarise, to blend in with the new ambience. Will time allow it, then? Or will it suck me, turning me upside down and voila! Say hello to Failure, who'll be accompanying me until the end of time.

I'm not myself anymore. I hardly knew myself then, and now...it's like a total stranger has taken over my mind, body and soul. Perhaps the real me was never fated for medical school.

Disappointment is tough, but hey, you know it's coming. Best be prepared for it.

Head On

"If there was nothing wrong in the world, there wouldn't be anything for us to do" - George Bernard Shaw

So I have been guilty of many things. I realise that by complaining, it makes me sound like a spoilt brat, but hey, what else is there to do when one is subjected to such injustice?

I'm starting to dislike this place. It manages to make things more...annoying for us. There was one day when we had to go for a bloody dull seminar on consumerisme just because it's compulsory. While it is true that it won't make much different after all if I were there or not, but let's face it - responsibility is pain. They make you do what you don't want to do - which is quite like describing life in general, especially if one is governed by autocratic rules and rulers. It's a question of responsibility - your being absent shows that you've some sort of an attitude problem, and yes, that itself is enough to show how unfit you are for medicine.

But there's also the question of human rights - student rights. As a student, I'm to study. To me, I'm no student of this university - I'm just a student of medicine. So that means I study for the knowledge, not for the university. As such, I have aversion in fulfilling all (perhaps most) the extra tasks they drop on my frail little shoulders. Who cares what the seminar was talking about? The speakers were utterly dull, irritating (honestly, it took all my self control not to go out there and launch a debate there and then...) and so, so unprofessional.

Find some other people to yak to, for God's sake. My books were calling me, yet I've wasted my whole day. I tried to be positive about it, really, but there's no way I can lie to myself.

Studies are another. Honestly speaking, I love reading the books. If I had the time and energy, I would read more. I would delightedly open several books just for one topic but hey! Let's be realistic. There's no time. It's not like during my matrix time, when I could gleefully read and reread the textbook. Now it's all rush, rush and rush. The things we've to learn are interesting (mostly) too, but when the time factor is involved, one can't help but to just...give up on it all. I've no problem at all with books, seriously, but what good are books when we can't read because of Father Time?

And I think Anatomy is just not for me. Heck, sheer memorising is not for me. I don't think it's the right way to stimulate one's intelligence and brain capacity. The cadaver class didn't really help either, since there wasn't any good view long enough to make sure that whatever enters my brain stays there. The formaline stench was hellish - the sight of death was, at first, nerving. And one cadaver for 30 people? Absurd. Fifteen is good enough. And that's not even talking about how the girls and guys are to distance themselves from each other and all...

Honestly, some people make other people's lives more miserable than it should be.
I can't seem to treat humans as mere cells and organisms. I keep on thinking about the soul - the unseen.

Speaking of cells, I keep on falling asleep during Histology class. I don't think it's my fault (it's beyond my control! If only I can control it, turn it on and off whenever and wherever appropriate...ah, bliss) and it's not the lecturer's fault either.

I have a big issue with some teaching methods. If one remembers history, one would say that all the big imams of the past had stern teachers. As for me (call me weak if you must, there's no use denying reality) I beg to differ with this attitude on behalf of the teachers or...people in the teaching business. Just because they know more than us students doesn't grant them the right to...speak (or berate) us if we erred. It's human to err. Teachers were students too once upon a time, so they think they should re-apply the teaching methods their own teachers of the past applied to us too?
Where is common sense? Perhaps the word common should be dropped from common sense, since it's not so common anymore. At least, it's not common here.

The authoritative have no common sense. If we need any information to be filled in their forms, why couldn't they have informed us in advance on what kind of info the forms require - or at least , if one already has it, to bring it over? Not everybody's parent(s) is at home to check. Normal people don't go memorising numbers like tax accounts into their head - there are much better things to remember!

All this emotional torture is seriously frizzing up my hair, and possibly giving me high blood pressure too. I wonder if I could sue this evil breed of...creatures.
Some people are immensely annoying, you'd wish they'd just vanish from the face of the earth, and your memory of their existence with it.

My focus has long gone with the wind.

Can I survive here? Barely one month and my motivation is already below sea level. Stay for another five freaking years...I don't know if my sanity is still intact by then.

Survival seems so incredibly impossible.

Medical students are human beings too. Don't push us as if we're not.

Where is civilisation when I need it?

If only five years would speed pass by me without my losing my balance.

crushed

I really can't seem to get it. NO matter how many times I told myself, I can't seem to not hope.

Trying to look at it from a positive angle is rather tiring. Sure, we're all in the same boat, but I don's want to be in that particular boat.

Can I say that I'm still waiting for my ship to come in?

It doesn't look like this ride will be very smooth, and there's no good place for me to stop without losing anything.

I can say that it's meant to be that way, so what can I do to change that?

Perhaps I'm not that powerless to change my fate, somehow or the other. I have to learn how to focus.