Tsuzuku

"Just remember - when you think all is lost, the future remains" - Dr. Robert H. Goddard

The past doesn't always reflect the future. My glory days are over - for now, at least.

Like I said before, I'm still lost. At certain times, it feels like I can't go on any longer.

So please, I do hope that they won't make it harder than it already is. I'm a different person now, no thanks to this new environment I'm stranded in.

Do I have the will to carry on? I doubt it.

If only...

kaeru!

"The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake - you can't learn anything from being perfect" - Adam Osborne

Today I should be on my way home, just so that I can spend the weekend there. Hey, despite my screwing my mini test (not royally, praises be to God for that) but I still can't help feeling rather disappointment.

But I should be rather unaffected by such sentiments. How many times have I encountered disappointment, and how many times I've told myself that if it is for the better future, then I wouldn't mind screwing the present - as long as the damage is not too great, rendering the future nothing more than a faraway dream.

Never mind. There's always another chance for revenge.

Praying to God for a safe journey home. Perhaps there, I'll regain myself - only to lose her again after a while.

Life is a discovery.

Numb

One of the things that I fear the most is near. The first test, in which most people - as can be seen from the past batches - will fail.

I can see myself as one of them. While I do hope it's merely a groundless paranoia, part of me is certain of it. The question is, will I be able to take it?

My pessimism is, decidedly, more beneficial than my being positive. In a way, it prepares oneself for the worst, though the risk of getting high blood pressure or heart attack is not exactly what I have in mind, now in the future.

Speaking of health problems, the problem-based learning that they have here is not exactly as fun as I had thought. For one thing, it depends too much to the 'facilitator' (the lecturer who is present) in terms of giving out the marks. The problem comes when there's some sort of communication failure - ie. the facilitator did not specify beforehand what s/he wants exactly, or in what manner is the presentation to be like - and when the facilitator expects too much from us.
For the love of God, this is only our first block. We're still fresh and blur. And we're not really as smart as you think we are. Yet, at least.

I'm destined for mediocrity.

I can't seem to keep my focus. While this was the same problem I faced before, now it has worsened. Too many things are bothering me, all at the same time. And the fact that other people could study - and they happened to be very informed of what they read - bothered me as well.

Perhaps I'm the only one who hasn't adapted to my surroundings. I've always seen myself as a rigid person, taking such a long time to change, to familiarise, to blend in with the new ambience. Will time allow it, then? Or will it suck me, turning me upside down and voila! Say hello to Failure, who'll be accompanying me until the end of time.

I'm not myself anymore. I hardly knew myself then, and now...it's like a total stranger has taken over my mind, body and soul. Perhaps the real me was never fated for medical school.

Disappointment is tough, but hey, you know it's coming. Best be prepared for it.