Painfully Honest

So tired. Is this what 'burnout' feels like?

Things could be worse, though. I see the present as an exercise, a preparation for a potentially worse(?) future.

I asked myself a question once. A question that stemmed out of all the frustration that had been caged in me, the million dollar (possibly more) question that I fearfully realised that I had no answer to.

"Are you really happy?"

I stunned myself silence for several minutes, and then I was almost aware of the gush of blood that rushed through my cerebral circulation in an attempt for an honest response. Palpitations shook my heart against the ribs, and it felt as if I was given into tremors. The only sound I heard then was the sound of the fan above me, all noise but not as much efficient as I would like it to be.

Truth is unbearably bitter.

Then it dawned on me, as slowly as the rising sun but by no means as magnificent or illuminating: "Either way, you won't be happy. There'll always be something."

But Reason - wherever it exists within my person - was in time to reach out to me with a retort: "You're happiest as you are right now. Maybe not in the way it is normally believed what 'happiness' represents to the general population, but there is certainly no reason to believe that He has forsaken you."

Because some bits of my past are a testament to that - that God Works in miraculous ways; ways that one could never have imagined.

Perhaps happiness is when one doesn't compromise temporary joys to those that really, really matter. Saying things like "in the end, it doesn't really matter" really strains one own person in many different ways.

One thing is for sure: Resentment is like a cancer. It eats you up and leaves you worse for wear.

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Intermission #12

This is getting way out of hand. I left for just over two weeks, only to come back and discover that they have taken over my domain!?

It would explain the allergic reaction.

This is unacceptable.

This means war, and I'm taking no prisoners.

...Why, oh WHY is our room suddenly being _dangerously_ infested with ants!?


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Made For You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Apparently ants are not so choosy nowadays, are they? That was my dinner that they conquered! *headdesk*

(No) Boundaries

"Responsibility is the price of greatness" ~ Winston Churchill

Perhaps you'd agree with me if I say that childhood ends when life ceases to appear as straightforward. Teenage years commence when one tends to exaggerate the level of such entanglements - "Nobody understands me! Screw you, world!" or "Look at me, the rebel without a cause!" - oftentimes due to seeing oneself as more adult than one truly is; some sort of an identity crisis, being caught between two phases.

As for adulthood, that's when you surrender to the fact that no, the world wouldn't stop being so difficult just because you told her to...and so you resolve to make the most out of it - press on despite the raging currents, rise above even when everything seems to bring you down.

Because our survival instincts know that we essentially don't have any other choice.

But we sometimes stop and wonder - "What if everything I've done so far was a mistake?"

Am I just complicating things, by questioning the validity of the status quo?

Some things in life need to be changed by one’s own hands. Others need to be accepted and tolerated as they are, and the remaining deserves no attention whatsoever.

Some things need to be done, others are optional, and the rest…they don’t matter, whatever their outcome may be.

Sometimes the demarcation is easy, other times difficult. But perhaps, the only thing more difficult than the latter is the initiative to truly act as what is needed of you. Treating unimportant matters as important, and vice versa, is akin to putting things not in their proper place. Yes, it is injustice.

Easier said than done, I confess.

We will falter at times, when the situation is most dire, or when we are simply exhausted beyond imagination. It is then that we just have to remember – there are always prayers, and there will always be Him, Who would Listen in His Own Way…even when the rest of the world turns a deaf ear and walks out on you.

Source

Current Music: Signal (Acoustic Version) - Kelun