Detrimental

As I go on in this working life, it's inevitable that I get exposed to - and am being forced to reckon with - various human traits that simply defies any simple classification. Mind you, not only from the patients and their relatives, but also from my peers and my superiors (whom I still can't call "Boss"...tsk tsk much?).

One thing that I always try to avoid is talking bad about people. It's not something I like to be done to me, but I suppose nobody can really stop people from talking, yeah? I try to avoid any conflict, and even try to avoid being roped into being a spectator for one. So imagine when someone commented about another's bad attitude/behaviour/etc to me? I just sighed and forced an understanding smile, trying to push out the thought if anyone actually said the same thing about me...and just went ahead with my work.

...Which makes me wonder why people accuse _me_ of being overly negative. Or does the fault lie with me for making myself vulnerable to unfair accusations from people? With all due respect, though, I believe I still have the right to let out some steam whenever I reach the limit. I guess that's why people complain after all? So I too should be able to complain when I absolutely feel like it...

And that pacifist voice in me? The voice is getting slower and slower with each passing day, as my patience grows thinner and my temper fuelling up.

It's ugly. It's ironic, how this supposedly noble profession is very much tainted. It's not all sparkles and glory. I guess whenever people are involved, the equation will always turn out to be more complicated to be understood, to be solved.

When I opt for silence - most of the time probably out of uncertainty on how to response rather than "I shall not dignify your remarks/jokes with an answer" - people say I'm in one of my mood swings. Excuse my saying this, but...what the hell?!

Isn't it ironic if it turns out that my profession of saving lives will be the exact thing that turned out to be, God Forbid, the death of me? I mean, all the stress and negative energy that I've accumulated (ever since med school itself?) must be putting a strain on my body and my general health...

Current Music: Hold Me - Savage Garden

Intermission #31

I tried, I really did.

Perhaps optimism is way beyond me. It's easier to ignore than to deny.

To climb is far more difficult than traveling in a flat, straight line. To descend, on the other hand...promises more misery, and a worse view of things to come.

I'm too young to feel this bad...but already old enough to know that idealism kills.

As mentioned before - there are no more tears. Numbness is starting to set in...and the only solution I can see is with Him.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain

True(?) Colours

I seriously don't know how people perceive me anymore.

Of late, practically everyday at least one person would comment on how I look 'depressed' or 'stressed out', to which - most of the time - I would reply with a typical answer of "I'm okay" when I'm actually bothered, or a simple nod which would mean "Dang, not this again, but whatever". People were saying how I used to be all smiles and all cheerful at the beginning...now they're busy asking if I'm okay. Usually it's the same people, to boot - although it rather makes sense.

Not to say that I'm angry at their display of concern - far from it! - but it just feels like people see me as weak.

At one point I confessed to a colleague that the usual smiling me is kind of not the true me, so he kind of dropped the issue - and I'm thankful.

My opinion? It's not only work per se that's giving me the headache. But that's not exactly a wise thing to say especially in front of a certain someone, is it?

Either way, I end up getting hurt. I always do, even when other people celebrate it as if it's the best thing since buttered toast.

Anyway. I'm praying for another uneventful oncall night...

Current Music: More (Remix) - Usher