Intermission #35

I can't believe that I haven't updated for around two weeks.

Truth be told, I've been trying to make heads or tails of a lot of issues. A whole lot of them, that enumerating them down one by one would take some time. So I had to make do with trying to rein them in my head, but honestly, it hasn't been working well.

I'm done with Orthopaedics, currently am in Paediatrics. Completed 7 days of tagging which, truth be told, gave me little opportunity to actually learn stuff. Maybe that's just me - right after I'm done in the ward, I head home and collapse. I've never been one to actually study in the ward even from my student days - trust me, with crying children and fussy parents/aunts/grandparents/what-have-you, ward rounds three times daily, and colleagues who are prone to crack jokes...any effort of studying is futile.

Even the Net bores me these days. I haven't been following any anime lately, and the only show that I finished was UN-GO (which was awesome, but I digress). Even putting my thoughts into words proved to be no small feat. Whatever scenario I conjured in my mind seemed unfit to be shared to the rest of the virtual world. Any string of words is mercilessly axed before any coherence is met. Any faint image, further blurred.

I frankly am losing control of my thoughts, my imagination, and I'm scared.

I've always been afraid to dream of beautiful, cheerful things.

But there comes a time when dark, haunting nightmares gather around me, and I could only cower, alone, defenseless, and left to my despair.

When that sliver of hope appears, I'm still afraid to reach out for it, no matter how desperate I am.

Maybe it's retribution. Maybe it's His Trial for me. Maybe it's just me.

I'm losing a battle with myself. What now?

Current Music: Kimi ga Matteiru kara - Gackt Camui

Intoxicated

Could this be a bipolar disorder in the making?

How does one maintain one's faith, one's optimism in something that is so incredible, so incomprehensible, so subjective to human knowledge? Is it enough to have intuition alone in the mere act of realizing it as what it is? In the face of adversity, how does one remain steadfast in one's aim?

All this is so new to me, and yet the pain - the pain is something that I'm familiar to, no thanks to my past 'experiences'. Take note, in this context familiar does not mean 'being accustomed to'...

It's difficult to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, lest I lose touch with reality, when I get swept off my feet with every little thing.

I hate this feeling. But if I were to be honest to myself, it's a thrill that I find myself craving for more. Is this why drug addicts find it difficult to give up their source of pleasure?

Dear God, I sound like a raging lunatic on a high, I'm starting to scare myself.

They say that one will fall as one learns to walk. But here I am, taken high up in the sky (not entirely without my consent, I must confess), but I'm too scared that I will fall, if it comes to that.

It might break me in more ways than one.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills

In Denial...Sort of

My mother had, every so often, encouraged me to pursue writing as a secondary career, knowing very well how I enjoy writing and how the local literary field is in dire need for better reading materials. Regardless, it's an idea that I myself have entertained every so often...but never actually got around to penning it down.

She suggested that I write something based on my working experience...

...And I have a feeling that if I ever wrote it down, the novel will be entitled "I'm not Jonah".

See, apparently they have this superstitious(?) belief at the hospital, whereby anytime someone who's already a known case of "Jonah" is at work, then plenty of admission is likely. I have, many a time, insisted that I'm not Jonah, and that it actually depends on the MO who is oncall at the same time as I am.

Until today, during which when I called my MO (an awesome one, if I may say so!) to ask about a case, he actually asked, "Eh, kenapa you sibuk sangat hari ni?".

That was after the fifth case in the Emergency Department. So far I've seen seven this day alone...And even the Medical Assistants and the MOs at ED were chuckling when I came to ED to review the cases that they referred to me.

Maybe it's payback for a relatively easy day yesterday, which was fortunate, as I was indisposed for a great deal of the afternoon, feeling under the weather such that they put me on an IV drip. Yes, I have newfound respect for patients who are able to calmly wait on their beds for their drips/antibiotics to finish, staring at the drops that signify the passing time, much like an hourglass...

God, please let my oncall finish soon. I'm starting to have phobia towards my own mobile phone...

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five