Compilations #14

1. My limit, before my dreams all come crumbling down, is 3 to 4 days. Which is bad, since previously it took one week for my optimism to run out and leave me in the lurch.
I've got it bad, indeed.
I despise this feeling of dependence.
Somehow it's unfair if I'm the only one suffering here.
Somehow, I'm surprised that I'm still trying to desperately hang on - but on to what? God's Promises and His Justice?

2. Today, during the ward round...

MO 1: Mycoplasma infection can cause hemolytic anaemia, right?
MO 2: Yes, I think so.
Me: *nodding silently in agreement*
MO 1: Why're you shaking your head?
Me: I'm nodding. Yes, it causes hemolytic anaemia.
MO 1: *to other MOs around* This girl is smart. She knows things that I didn't know during my houseman years. *turns back me* What does parvovirus cause?
Me: *suddenly thinking of Slapped Cheek Disease* You mean the infection?
MO 1: No, what anaemia it causes.
Me: Sickle cell disease.
MO 1: …
Me: Ehh, aplastic anaemia!
MO 1: I only knew that when I became an MO! Are you going into Paediatrics later?
Me: No.
MO 1: Good, don't go into Paeds. You're going to make me look bad.
MO 3: If she enters Paeds, I'll be the first one to be kicked out…

Anyway, parvovirus infection can trigger sickle cell crisis, so I wasn't entirely wrong there...
I still think Paediatrics as meh. And I keep on forgetting to bring earplugs just to protect my ears from the children's screaming during bloodtaking...

3. Sometimes we need to remember to be thankful for the things that we already have, instead of chasing those that may or may not be out of our reach, but not necessarily the best for us. God alone Knows.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay

P/s: Blogging about the above conversation is not meant to be a brag...but perhaps to serve as something to boost my mood up in case it goes back to its gloomy shell. Besides...a part of me thinks it would be bragging if I were to put it on my FB wall...Pfft!

Intermission #35

I can't believe that I haven't updated for around two weeks.

Truth be told, I've been trying to make heads or tails of a lot of issues. A whole lot of them, that enumerating them down one by one would take some time. So I had to make do with trying to rein them in my head, but honestly, it hasn't been working well.

I'm done with Orthopaedics, currently am in Paediatrics. Completed 7 days of tagging which, truth be told, gave me little opportunity to actually learn stuff. Maybe that's just me - right after I'm done in the ward, I head home and collapse. I've never been one to actually study in the ward even from my student days - trust me, with crying children and fussy parents/aunts/grandparents/what-have-you, ward rounds three times daily, and colleagues who are prone to crack jokes...any effort of studying is futile.

Even the Net bores me these days. I haven't been following any anime lately, and the only show that I finished was UN-GO (which was awesome, but I digress). Even putting my thoughts into words proved to be no small feat. Whatever scenario I conjured in my mind seemed unfit to be shared to the rest of the virtual world. Any string of words is mercilessly axed before any coherence is met. Any faint image, further blurred.

I frankly am losing control of my thoughts, my imagination, and I'm scared.

I've always been afraid to dream of beautiful, cheerful things.

But there comes a time when dark, haunting nightmares gather around me, and I could only cower, alone, defenseless, and left to my despair.

When that sliver of hope appears, I'm still afraid to reach out for it, no matter how desperate I am.

Maybe it's retribution. Maybe it's His Trial for me. Maybe it's just me.

I'm losing a battle with myself. What now?

Current Music: Kimi ga Matteiru kara - Gackt Camui

Intoxicated

Could this be a bipolar disorder in the making?

How does one maintain one's faith, one's optimism in something that is so incredible, so incomprehensible, so subjective to human knowledge? Is it enough to have intuition alone in the mere act of realizing it as what it is? In the face of adversity, how does one remain steadfast in one's aim?

All this is so new to me, and yet the pain - the pain is something that I'm familiar to, no thanks to my past 'experiences'. Take note, in this context familiar does not mean 'being accustomed to'...

It's difficult to keep my feet firmly rooted to the ground, lest I lose touch with reality, when I get swept off my feet with every little thing.

I hate this feeling. But if I were to be honest to myself, it's a thrill that I find myself craving for more. Is this why drug addicts find it difficult to give up their source of pleasure?

Dear God, I sound like a raging lunatic on a high, I'm starting to scare myself.

They say that one will fall as one learns to walk. But here I am, taken high up in the sky (not entirely without my consent, I must confess), but I'm too scared that I will fall, if it comes to that.

It might break me in more ways than one.

Current Music: Wonderland - Natalia Kills