Intermission #46

1. In almost every situation, there is a high chance that there will be one mood-maker; One whose mere presence gives what kind of atmosphere the rest of us will be in.

Generally in the ward, this role is filled in by the specialist. If s/he is irritable or just being a pain, then chances are the rest of the day is screwed.

Actually it doesn't really matter which department you're in, but here in O&G and Surgical, you can practically feel the tension growing in the air; so thick that you might need a chainsaw to cut it.

The point is, don't abuse your power. This includes the tendency to inflict some indirect psychological insult.

2. Yesterday at work, while my specialist was deep in thoughts thinking on what to do about a suspicious CTG tracing for one of the patients who was in labour, I was in my usual pose - right hand poised with my trusty pen in position, ready to jot down whatever he might have to say. Then he glanced at me, and just gave me an amused smile. He commented how us HO's are always writing down stuff.

I blinked cluelessly, stared once at my pen, recapped it and chucked it into my pocket.

"Ah, that's better," said he.

I gave a measly smile, and stared at my half-written entry.

Then he ambled next to me, whispering, "You know, house officers are not clerks. You're a doctor. Aku dulu pun tak suka clerking, tulis-tulis..."

And, surprising even myself, I blurted out, "Yes, actually I'm confused too."

He chuckled silently. "Don't be."

When he already left me, I just stared at the still unfinished entry.

Yes, I think I'm very much confused about my job description.

I think I'm so used to being a mak turut, merely following orders and running here and there, that I can't even develop my own thinking skills; instead finding myself being so scared of questioning authority blatantly, even when I know they're being unreasonable.

3. I kind of envy how some people are not afraid of speaking out when they see injustice. Maybe they have this air around them - what they say comes out as a constructive criticism, a mature observation of human fallacies.

And me? Maybe people just perceive my words, my opinions as childish complaints, nothing more.

4. I'm very tempted to leave this hospital once my time for MO-ship comes. Especially when the lab is being an absolute pain in the arse, because there's no way I can bear taking up Pathology - if the chance ever presents itself - when I absolutely resent their policies.

Current Music: Angel with A Shotgun - The Cab

P/s: I'm getting really lazy with titles, am I not? Pfft!

Intermission #45

Have you ever feel so small, so insignificant?

Have you ever felt so hurt that it feels like someone just tore your chest wide open and ripped your heart out of the praecordium, and then shred it to pieces?

Have you ever felt so betrayed by the ones you love and even by yourself?

Have you ever had so many back-to-back episodes of self-reprisals, like a barrage of machine guns taking shots at you?

And all these pain can't be drowned, can't be deleted, can't be ignored or denied.

Why do I do this to myself?

And so it goes on - this fear of attachment. Of getting hurt.

Obligatory New Year Post(?)

It's just another, run-of-the-mill day, to survive.

It just goes to show that while we are definitely growing older, to say that we are growing in wisdom and maturity is still up to interpretation.

Most things change, whether we like them to or not. And as for those that remain the same...well, they are too deeply ingrained that I wonder if there is ever hope for any improvement.

Just another one question out of many that I doubt I will ever find the answer to.

Current Music: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train